Chapter 36
Olivia
Now
Carmello’s truck is the only one in the parking lot when I pull up at Celia’s.
I slept like a baby last night, woke up with the high of a teenager who just found out their crush likes them back.
But now it’s a late-morning-after, with time to process, and I won’t lie about being nervous.
Especially because I really want to answer that question for Carmello, about whether we could ever be casual, and I’m hoping it goes the way I’ve been dreaming it can.
He’s in the basement, sweeping debris into a pile on the floor.
I wait on the stairs so I don’t startle him.
But he doesn’t even look surprised when he hears me say hi.
Steven must’ve snitched about me bribing him to lend me his master key last week so I could make a copy of it.
I tell my body to stop being so anxious, but it takes everything not to jump into Carmello’s arms and find out how he feels about us one way or the other.
“What time are we opening?” I ask.
“We’re not,” he says. “And I told everyone they could take another day off after Steven made a comment in the group chat about how cleaning debris is above his pay grade.”
I feel a tug in my chest: a silly little longing to be part of the group chat.
“That tracks,” I say. “But I’m sure some of the others would’ve come in to help.”
Carmello shrugs. “I wouldn’t want anyone complaining.”
I look more closely at the disaster that was left behind by the plumbers.
He’s right: thick, dirty-looking dust coats everything and there are holes in the ceiling and the walls that are bigger than my head.
I stand by what I said, thinking the decision to handle all of this alone was probably more about the way Carmello’s big heart worries extra hard for the people he cares about.
He stops sweeping to stare. “What about you, O?”
“What about me?” My face warms during his silence. I clear my throat. “Mello?”
“I think you’re happy to be here,” he finally says. “Is that true?”
“In Rhode Island?” I ask, heart thrumming. “Or with you?”
One side of his mouth curves up, and I think I can see the nerves on his face now too. “I meant with me, but you don’t have to answer either of those questions.”
I inhale and take the last step. Knowing I need courage for this conversation too, knowing he still needs me to be the one to make the first move.
That’s fair. Plus, I’m the kind of woman who doesn’t mind being the hero.
So, once I’m standing in front of him, I tilt my head and say, “Would you believe me if I told you I was already happy with you and here in Rhode Island before last night and that the five-star oral sex was an unexpected bonus I hope we can do again and again?”
I love the way he laughs. It always kisses his eyes and reaches for my heart. “I can believe you feel that way, yeah. But what does that mean for us? I know I can’t just have sex with you until you leave. Casual or not. I care about you too much for that.”
“I care about you too,” I say.
He scratches the back of his neck. “So…what do you think about us continuing to see each other even after you go?”
“You’re serious?” I ask, stomach squeezing and throat thick. I want him to be but I need to know. “You forgive me for leaving the first time, just like that? Are you sure you’re not hypnotized by having your head between my thighs last night?”
A smile breaks out across his face. “O…I forgive you.”
“That fast?” I narrow my eyes. “Bullshit. You were so pissed when I first arrived here.”
“Well, my mom did give part of my restaurant to someone else, making me question whether she had faith in me…or whether she wanted to play matchmaker because that someone was my ex-girlfriend, who waltzed in here like it was normal. And I worked so hard to forget this girl, but there she was making my heart race like it used to.” He blows out a breath.
“O, these past few weeks have made me feel things I haven’t felt for anyone in ten years.
You make me laugh, inspire me, you shake things up and challenge me, and we may be different but it feels like we understand each other.
When you told me about your endometriosis, I wished I could take it from you and carry it myself so that you don’t have to live with it.
It’s scary how much I care about you, but it feels right.
I thought about us all night and the only thing that’d be getting in the way of me telling you that I still want you is ego.
I can’t afford ego when the truth is I don’t want to let you slip through my fingers if there’s a chance you feel the same way I do. ”
I feel myself soften, wanting nothing more than to take another step toward him, wrap my arms around his middle. Tell him I had the same thought about his mom playing matchmaker. But I hold steady and say, “You don’t even know the reason I left the way I did, Mello.”
“The reason doesn’t really matter anymore, O,” he says. “We were young. You left, I stayed. Now we’re back here. I had a ten-year head start on forgiveness before you busted down my door again. That’s why it seems fast.”
I ignore the pestering feeling to push him a little harder, to make sure he means what he’s saying, but I’m not sure I want to delve into why I left either.
Not when I’m aching for him to kiss me and tell me he’s as certain about me as I am about him.
“I don’t think we can date while I’m in Tokyo,” I finally say.
“That’s too long of a distance, even for me.
But…if you ask me to stay, I might say I still have time to tell my client to find another private chef. ”
He lowers his brows. “You want to stay here? To work in this small city, at this particular restaurant? Are you sure? Because I can’t ask you to stay for me.
You have to want to stay for yourself. If I’m your only reason, I’m not sure how long your happiness can last. And I have a good life here.
I have Teddy. I like the stability. Starting something with you… it’d be serious for me, O.”
I hear the words he’s not saying. He does forgive me.
He wants to be with me, but he doesn’t fully trust me yet.
I’m willing to show him that he can. “This is already serious for me, Mello,” I say.
“I want to be compensated and treated like an equal, but you should know I still plan on signing my shares of the restaurant over to you if I stay.”
He shakes his head and with a firm voice says, “No. If you’re here, it’s yours too.”
“You shouldn’t make any promises yet on that front.
Though, I wouldn’t mind that result in the end.
” When he smiles back at me, I cup his face.
He closes his eyes and leans into my touch.
When he finally opens to my gaze again, there’s a well of feelings right there for me to sift through.
Fear, uncertainty, yearning…something deeper?
“If you don’t think we should take time to be intentional and make sure being together is the right decision,” I say, “I’ll jump right in with you.
But you’ve gotta believe me when I say I can vacation in Tokyo, I don’t need to live there.
And I don’t think I was ready to hear the words before, but now, I need to know you want me to stay.
Because I’ve spent most of my life scared to tether myself to something, somewhere, someone…
” I think back on how much I lost at such a young age, and how that loss—and the way my parents reacted to it—shaped my values, made me eager to protect myself and prevent more pain, and how empty I’ve felt as a result.
“I don’t want to be scared anymore. I love working with this movie cast of a staff you’ve hired.
I missed Paula’s pandesal and, God, her cupcakes.
And for the first time in my adult life, I think I’m actually part of a friend group.
It’s not just because I’m still in love with you, Carmello. ”
I hear it when his breath catches. He blinks and searches my face, but not longer than a second, because if there’s one thing that’s always been true about Carmello it’s this: he might not wear his feelings where everyone can see them, but he’ll pour into you as long as he can see where to aim his heart.
I feel the reciprocation when he bends down to capture my lips before he says anything at all.
I took the first step, and now he feels safe to take two.
When he breaks the kiss, he bows his forehead against mine. “I’ve never stopped loving you, Olivia. It’s been a decade without you, so I’m pretty sure I always will.”
My eyes are wet, heart stuttering from happiness, butterflies beating their wings in my belly.
But there’s a part of me that wonders if this is too easy.
If we’re missing something and rushing the feelings, and then a louder part of me says, Why shouldn’t it be easy?
We know each other so well, so deeply. He still loves you and you still love him and you’ve spent this long apart.
You get to stay. Be a chef at this restaurant you love with people you adore.
Isn’t this how you wanted it to happen? Hasn’t Providence always been calling you home?
So, I swallow and say, “We’re really going to try again? Do better this time?”
He pulls my hand from his face to kiss my scarred palm.
Memories flash of us sharing our first dance.
I didn’t have sensation in my skin there then, but tingles spread through my body the same way they do right now.
He meets my eyes. “We really are, and I know we’ll both do better.
I don’t want to lose any more time with you. ”
“Neither do I, but I think life worked out exactly the way it was supposed to,” I say.
“I’m glad you think so,” he says, then he walks over to the rack on the wall and hands me the second broom. “Because owners don’t get paid for extra labor.”
“How romantic,” I scoff. “What if I told you my throat was already itching from being down here so long just to secure my man?”
“I’d say, lucky for me, my girl isn’t my employee.”
I squeal and raise my shoulder to my chin. “Say it again.”
“You’re my girl,” he says, then slaps my behind. “Now I need you to be a good one and get your hands dirty so we can go do nasty things before I have to pick my son up from school.”
“You know, that might be the sexiest thing you’ve ever said to me, Rodriguez.”
“Just you wait until I hit you with the dad jokes, Jones.”