Chapter 48 #2
“Fine, fine,” he says. “I’ll start with this: my mom told me a long time ago that relationships require more than love, they’re hard work.
And being close to you, cracking jokes with you, cooking with you, craving you, that’s the easy part.
But neither of us is perfect, Olivia. I think I do have OCD, and you should know for me that means I have these dark, intrusive thoughts that are hard to shake.
I fear the worst for the people that I love, I constantly have voices in my head that try to throw me off.
If you want to see me fully, you need to know how scary that is for me and how scary it might be to tell you my thoughts, but I want to try if you do.
” I reach for his hand, lace our fingers, tears pricking at my eyes.
“Sometimes I’ll worry, O, sometimes you’ll jump, and we’ll keep crashing into each other unexpectedly, but there’s no one else I’d rather pick up the pieces with.
You balance me out, Jones, and I’d like to think I do the same thing for you.
So I’m asking you to do the hard work of a relationship with me.
We can go as slow as you want. We can keep our choices, and should you choose to wake up and work at this with me, then I’ll be there every single day, smiling at you from the other pillow—even at times when we’re on different continents. ”
“Carmello,” I say, swatting at my eyes. “I love you so much, and I understand why you’d be afraid to let me in all the way, but I’m grateful you’re opening up to me about your OCD.
I know it’s different, but I’ve spent years working through my ADHD diagnosis and recognizing where my thoughts and desires stem from…
and, well, I hope you know that I understand what you’re working through.
We can be open about how our brains work, together.
I’m here for you, Mello. Just like I know you’re here for me. ”
“Always,” he says, and brushes hair from my face. “Now come here.”
When our mouths meet, there’s no other word I can think of to describe it but magic. Carmello’s kisses call me home. Time after time. And I think I’ll have that feeling from him for the rest of my life. We break away and he presses his forehead to mine so that we can breathe together.
While our faces are touching, I take his hand and put it right beneath my breastbone.
“Do you feel how fast my heart is beating?”
“Here,” he says, putting my hand on his chest too. “You’re not alone.”
“This is all so crazy,” I say. “Your mom was…”
“The original swindler,” he says.
“I was going to say an innocent little angel, but she was definitely a well-rounded woman,” I say, and with us connected, both of our bodies vibrate when he laughs.
He pulls back and says, “Did you know there were dozens of emails for me unsent in her drafts folder? Pictures of my report cards, of her and me, of Teddy cooking in the kitchen, of our staff having fun, and dishes I made for her when she was sick. One-liners like: I’m proud of you. I wonder why she never sent them.”
I smile and say, “I remember years ago she told me that she wanted to feel closer to you. I didn’t understand what she meant, but then I realized you both kinda floated around each other with heart eyes instead of saying the words.
So, I shared with her something that me and my parents have always done since even before the fire when they’d travel for work. ”
“What’s that?”
“Send each other out-of-context pictures through email of whatever was going on that day, just to know that we were thinking of each other even when we felt far away. She never responded to my idea to do that with you, but months after I left she checked in with me for the first time over email. Like a fairly typical electronically deficient human being of her generation, she didn’t write much in the body of it, just asked how I was doing and sent me a picture of her rolled lumpia.
And my heart still leaped that she cared about me enough to do that and to remember what emails like that meant to me.
But Carmello, you were always right by her side; maybe that’s why she never sent the emails to you.
Maybe she thought you already knew how much she loved you. ”
“I did know,” he says, and I can hear how thick his throat is. “That’s why I always wanted to be by her side too.”
I wrap my arms around him and we brush faces with each other. “Like lions,” he whispers, and I have images of us curled up on the couch together, watching movies with Teddy.
When golden hour starts to give way to pink skies, Carmello reaches for my hand and pulls me toward the railings so we can watch the view over the water.
“I hope we’ll get to see more sunsets together,” I say, tilting my head up to look at him. “Do you think while we’re working to spend our lives together, we can work on that too?”
“Oh, I’ll shut down the whole restaurant early all the time if that’s what would make you happy, Jones,” Carmello says. “Don’t you know how much I love you?”
“We probably can’t afford to do that just yet,” I say, smiling.
“But I think we can find a balance. And I knew you loved me down bad way before you made me a partner. Probably the first time you saw me sitting in a booth at the restaurant. I was eating so damn good because life wasn’t as complicated yet and there you were trying to be mean, but I was just too cute. ”
“You’re so cocky,” he says, then he spins me around and bends low to kiss me.
“And you like it,” I say, reaching for another. “You’re captivated by me, Rodriguez.”
When I suck his bottom lip into my mouth, he makes a delicious sound before his eyes flick to something behind me.
He releases a heavy breath and pulls me closer, wrapping his arms around me and hiding me against his broad chest. “Oh, completely,” he says.
“And I’d like nothing more than to make out with you on this bridge, but we get carried away when we do that, and I didn’t even notice that we have company kind of close.
I’m pretty sure they’re doing shrooms but they’re also staring at us.
Wouldn’t want us to risk public indecency and not be able to come here after this. ”
I get on my tiptoes and kiss his chin, whisper, “Let’s go to the truck after this.”
“Deal,” he says, then we turn back toward the water and I get to watch the sky transition to night at my favorite place with my favorite person.
But I don’t forget about the other people in my heart. Balance.
While Carmello’s elbow touches mine on the railing, I smile at the single text from Denise: Girl, at least tell me he’s still got some good…
I see what she’s putting down and lean against Carmello, his body supporting me like the trunk of a tree while I send Denise emojis that’ll definitely give her the vision of what my life has been like, in and out of bed.
Then, I realize for the first time in a while it’s not that hard to focus my attention on more than one thing at a time as long as it feels right.