Chapter Seven
CHAPTER SEVEN
“ I ’m sorry,” I quickly apologized, blinking a few times in an effort to force myself back into the conversation. “What did you say?”
The older woman across the table seemed unfazed and repeated the question. “Is there anything you recommend us doing in Richmond when we visit?”
She was a relative of Marin… An aunt maybe?
Shit, I can’t remember.
“Oh…” I covered my mouth with my napkin, even though I’d barely touched my food. All I could think of when I stared down at my food was the pink heart that was taped underneath. My stomach swirled. “There are, um, tons—museums, parks, amazing restaurants. Are you Poe fans?”
Her sparse white eyebrows furrowed.
I guess not.
I pulled out my phone and slid it across the table. “Give me your number,” I suggested, trying to smile even though all I really wanted to do was tell her to fucking google it, throw down my napkin, and run. “I’ll send you a list.”
She seemed pleased with the suggestion, and I let out a staggered breath. I looked around the table, noticing how everyone was engaged in animated conversations, their moods happy and jovial.
Like yours should be.
The woman finished punching in her phone number and handed it back to me, and she opened her mouth once again. “So what?—”
“How is Texas this time of year?” Zander interrupted her, making my head turn.
He leaned over the table and smiled. The woman’s eyes raked over his edgy, dark haircut with the shaved sides, the pierced brow, and all those tattoos covering his forearms.
And she freaking blushed .
“Oh, it’s miserable,” she answered, fiddling with the pearl buttons on her sweater cardigan.
Was there a single woman on this planet he couldn’t charm? I’d be mad about it if it wasn’t for the fact he’d purposely distracted her from interrogating me any further.
I didn’t know how I felt about that. He shouldn’t know me so well.
Someone laughed, and I turned. Macon was kissing Marin’s temple, laughing at something her sister had said. Her parents were huddled over something—was that a sonogram picture?
“I’ll be right back,” I said suddenly as I rose from my seat.
Zander looked up, a note of concern flashing across his face.
“You okay?” he questioned.
I nodded. “Just need to use the restroom,” I assured him.
He didn’t seem convinced, but let me go anyway.
It wasn’t like he could follow me to the restroom.
I was thankful that mostly everyone was still mid-meal, and I had a clear path across the restaurant. After my last conversation, I was at my limit for idle chatter at the moment. I followed the signs to a small hallway, and there, I found the ladies’ restroom. I pushed the door open and let out a sigh of relief when I checked the three stalls and found them all empty.
I went to the sink and stared at myself in the reflection. My red lipstick was mostly gone, but outwardly, I mostly looked the same as I had when I left the house less than two hours prior.
Beautiful, polished, and put together.
Inside, I felt disgusting and ugly.
“What the hell is wrong with you?” I whispered, my lips quivering as I said it. My arms wrapped around my middle as I tried to will myself back together.
A quiet knock sounded at the door.
Cocking my head toward it, I froze. Why would someone knock? Did they not know it was a multi-stall situation up in here?
I took a few tentative steps, and before I made it to the door, Zander stepped in, his eyes sweeping over me like he was checking for bodily harm.
“Are you okay?”
Say yes, Elena.
Say yes.
“Can you take me home?” The words were out before I could stop them.
“Yeah,” he answered right away, not even bothering to ask why.
He closed the distance between us, wrapped an arm around my shoulders, and ushered us out. The hallway was quiet and empty, but I heard the sound of laughter as the party went on without us.
“Why did you come after me?” I asked as he pushed the door open and we headed for the exit.
“I don’t know,” he answered honestly. He sounded just as surprised by his actions as I was.
We made it to his car without being noticed. Everyone was still too wrapped in the food, the booze, and the happy news…
I bit down on my bottom lip as Zander opened the passenger door and guided me in.
“I’m good,” I assured him.
He seemed reluctant to let me go but did once I had my seat belt in hand. The car door shut soon after, and a few seconds later, he was in the driver’s seat, and we were on the road.
A deafening silence settled between us as I watched trees and street signs pass by us. A chill went down my spine as a blast of cold air from one of the vents hit me, and then I remembered.
“Your jacket!” I said, sucking in a breath.
“It’s fine,” he assured me. He didn’t seem fazed, which surprised me. The jacket seemed pretty important to him. “I’ll text Macon.”
“Do you even have Macon’s number?” I asked.
“No,” he confessed, the tiniest smirk spreading across his face. “But I’m sure you can remedy that for me.”
I decided not to point out that once his brother had his phone number, the ability to cut and run would become a little more difficult. But maybe he’d thought about that already.
Maybe he hadn’t.
Either way, it didn’t matter. He was leaving regardless.
“I take it, you didn’t know?” Zander’s voice was quiet. Tentative.
“No,” I answered as I fiddled with the clasp of my clutch, running my fingers over the cool metal as I tried to come up with something else to say. But what else was there?
Why hadn’t she told me?
Why had she held on to such a big announcement and decided not to share it with me privately? From the reactions in the room, it appeared that they hadn’t told anyone, not even Marin’s parents.
So, why would I assume I would be an exception?
Because she was always mine…
Zander pulled into the driveway of Ochre Bay and shut off the engine. I didn’t say anything as I tugged off my seat belt and exited the car. Soon, he joined me, and we walked side by side up the walkway until we reached the doorway, and he punched in the code.
I flipped on a light and immediately kicked off my heels.
“Do you want anything?” he asked as he headed straight for the kitchen. “I noticed you didn’t eat much.”
“I—” He had been watching me? “I’m good,” I answered. “I’m going to go change. I’ll be right back.”
He nodded, already pulling out what looked like fixings for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
“Do you want me to text Marin, or…” Please say no. I couldn’t pretend right now.
He shook his head, already diving into the peanut butter with a butter knife. My stomach growled.
“No, I can do it.”
I reached into my clutch and placed my phone on the counter. “You can grab Macon’s number. I don’t want them to worry.”
A wry grin ghosted his lips as he drew his thumb into his mouth and licked a bit of peanut butter off of it. I watched far too intently.
“I doubt they are worried in the way you think.” He stared at me for a moment longer.
Oh, right.
“I’ll let you get changed.” He turned away.
I didn’t bother saying anything more. Heading down the hallway, I opened the door to my room and stepped in. It was dark, and for a few breaths, I just stood there as all my awful thoughts came rushing back at once.
She should have told me.
Why do I feel jealous?
Why isn’t he here?
A sob tore from my lips as I tried to muffle the sound with both hands. Tears burned my eyes, and in that moment, I hated myself.
Hated my insecurities.
My selfishness.
“Elena.” A soft voice sounded behind me.
I turned to see Zander framing the door. The light from the hallway surrounded him like a halo, and he stepped into the dark room and wrapped his arms around me.
He didn’t say a word. He didn’t ask any questions as I let the tears fall, all that guilt and shame staining my cheeks as the sound of my sobs filled the room. His hand gently stroked my hair. My head rested against his chest, and I felt the steady, comforting rhythm of his heartbeat.
“You must think I’m an awful person,” I finally said, my voice barely a whisper. “My best friend announces she’s pregnant, and I burst into tears.”
“That is the last thing I’m thinking right now,” he assured me, his voice deep and even. “And for the record, you’re allowed to feel and react however the fuck you want.”
“I want to be happy for them,” I said before amending my words. “I am happy for them.”
“You can be happy for someone and also feel sad?—”
“I feel—” I swallowed, hating myself for even thinking it. “No, I can’t.”
“Sometimes, saying it out loud helps. You’re only feeding the monster by keeping it in.”
“The monster?”
“Trauma, rage, depression. Whatever your demon is, it feeds off of all those self-doubts and intrusive thoughts. The less we acknowledge them, the bigger those monsters grow inside our head, and pretty soon, there’s not a whole lot of room left for us.”
“You sound very well-adjusted for someone who can’t talk to his brother.”
For once, he didn’t pull away. “It’s one thing to offer advice. It’s another thing to follow it.”
I tried not to think about how much that resonated with me. How many times had I given Marin advice over the years, only to do the opposite in my own life?
I took a deep breath, letting the air leave my lungs slowly as I gathered the courage to speak. “It’s not like I’ve never thought about Marin having kids. Logically, I knew when she and Macon got engaged, this would happen. I guess I just hadn’t prepared myself for the type of emotions it might conjure up. When I saw her up there, elated and beaming with joy, I wanted to be happy, like everyone else. Instead, the first thought I had was, It should be Daniel standing there beside her . And then I got so angry with myself for even thinking it.” The words made my eyes sting, and I fought the wave of emotions threatening to take over. “God, I really am an awful friend.”
“No,” he argued. “You’re a good sister. One who still misses her brother.”
I squeezed my eyes shut, a myriad of images flooding my mind—sitting on the floor of Daniel’s room, listening to music; dropping him off on his first day of college; seeing his face when Marin walked down the aisle.
“He would have been an amazing dad,” I said. “He always thought Ocracoke would be a great place to raise kids.”
Zander grunted, and the deep sound vibrated against my chest. “I feel like I’m the wrong person to make that assessment.” He paused before adding, “But I don’t doubt Macon will do his damnedest to give his family everything we didn’t have.”
I looked up at him. “I love Macon,” I assured him. “I do.”
“You don’t have to convince me.” His eyes turned away.
“Your brother’s a good man, Zander.”
“I know,” he said quietly, pulling back. His arms dropped to his sides. “You okay to get dressed now? I made you a sandwich. Don’t say you’re not hungry.”
Still avoiding the Macon topic. Got it.
“Yeah, and thanks.” For everything.
“Anytime.”
We both knew that wasn’t true.
“So, is the PB and J, like, a specialty, or are you trained in other childhood delicacies?” I teased him as I sat cross-legged on the sofa.
Despite the dig, it was really good. The perfect balance of peanut butter and raspberry jam. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d had something so simple and satisfying. Zander was on his second—or was it third?—sandwich while I was eating at a more leisurely pace and still nibbling on the first half of mine.
“That’s a lot of mocking for someone who didn’t say thank you.” He smirked.
And then I swore he shoved an entire half of a sandwich in his mouth.
T hat should not be adorable.
He’d changed after he left my room, switching out his all-black look for a fitted gray T-shirt and sweats. I’d never really been a big fan of sweats, always associating them with my father’s frumpy pajamas, but these were not your papa’s PJs. They hung low on his hips, and the tapered fit made his ass look fucking edible.
I’d tried not to stare when I came out of my bedroom and he walked out of the kitchen, carrying my sandwich.
But there might have been some blatant ogling—I wasn’t gonna lie.
His large body seemed to dwarf the oversize chair as he leaned over the coffee table and continued to inhale his dinner…snack? Whatever .
I attempted to cover my grin but failed miserably. “Thank you. I was actually hungry.”
“Clearly,” he mocked, motioning to my half-eaten sandwich.
“Not all of us have the metabolism of Superman,” I said. Or the body. “And the maid-of-honor dress I picked out is not forgiving, so I’m trying to behave.”
His gaze raked down my body. I was dressed down in yoga pants and a cropped fleece hoodie.
“I’m sorry I’m going to miss that.” His words sounded genuine. “But if the dress is anything like the one you wore tonight, I don’t think you’ll have any problem, Louie.” His eyes darkened, causing me to flush.
Part of me was relieved he wouldn’t be here. I wasn’t sure how much longer I could withstand this sexual tension between us.
A soft knock caused me to jump, and Zander’s eyes jerked to the door.
“Expecting anyone?” he asked.
I shook my head. As he was just starting to get off the couch, a familiar voice came from the other side of the door.
“If you’re naked, could you just let me know? Like, give me a signal or something?”
Zander and I looked at each other.
It was Marin.
“Maybe just a knock on the wall? Or you can just…” She paused, and I could just picture her at the threshold, staring up at the sky, begging any deity she could think of to give her strength. “You know what? I’ll just come back in the morning.”
“Should we save her from her misery? Or let her go?” An evil grin spread across Zander’s face.
I was already getting up and headed for the door. “She doesn’t need that kind of stress,” I told him. “Or nightmares.”
He laughed.
Pulling the door open, I found my best friend on the other side, one face shielded by a familiar article of clothing—Zander’s leather jacket.
“Is it safe?” she asked, her voice slightly muffled by the leather.
“Oh my God.” I swatted at the jacket, getting her attention. “You are ridiculous.”
She finally dropped it to her side, and her eyes opened. “You’re dressed.” She seemed…shocked.
“Of course, I’m dressed!” I exclaimed. “Didn’t Zander text Macon?”
“Well, yes, but he told Macon he took you home ’cause you didn’t feel well.”
I looked at her, my expression blank as I waited for her to respond. I looked over at Zander, who was casually leaning against the arm of the couch with his arms folded across his chest. I looked back at Marin, and her mouth formed a big, round O.
“Oh, so that was true? I just assumed it was code.”
I rolled my eyes and stepped aside to let her in. She caught sight of Zander, taking in his casual appearance, but apparently chose not to say anything.
“So, are you feeling okay?” she asked as I returned to my seat on the couch. She took the seat next to me and turned so we were facing one another.
I swallowed, unsure how to respond. I didn’t want to lie. I had technically left the party because I felt unwell. There just wasn’t anything physically wrong with me.
“Uh, I’m gonna go check in with…” Zander grabbed the back of his neck as he pushed off the couch, clearly uncomfortable with giving Marin too much information about his life. “I’m gonna go make a phone call.”
His eyes met mine, and I knew immediately what he was doing. He was giving us time to talk, and once again, I found it strange that he could understand me so well after such a short time.
She was still in her dress from the party. It was romantic with a delicate floral pattern, and now that I looked at it, I realized it was also deceptively good at covering her midsection.
It also made me think back over the last twenty-four hours in a new light.
“So, I have to ask you a serious question,” I said, getting straight to the point.
She nodded, her eyes avoiding mine, obviously nervous.
“Did you or did you not serve me decaf coffee this morning?”
She burst out laughing, and I held out my hands in an exaggerated shrug and said, “What? I need to know ’cause I’m not sure our friendship can handle this deception.”
I knew we had other stuff we needed to talk about, and we would, but right now, I needed to laugh with my best friend.
So, that was what we did.
“I’m going to plead the Fifth,” she finally answered.
“You bitch!”
Her eyes were leaking with unshed tears from our giggling. “It’s why I ordered a matcha latte this morning at the coffee shop, too.”
I grimaced. “Gross. You know that shit tastes like grass, right?”
“Well, right now, that ‘grass’ is the most caffeine I’m allowed to consume, and even that makes Macon nervous. He’s overprotective on a normal day. Now? He’s freaking insane.”
I swallowed nervously. “So, how did this all happen? The baby, I mean. Was it planned?”
“No!” she answered with a laugh. “But it’s not unwelcome, if that’s what you mean.”
“That’s not at all what I meant,” I assured her. “I know you’ve always wanted kids.”
Her gaze met mine, and although she didn’t say anything, I knew we were both thinking of Daniel.
“I’m not sure how it happened, honestly,” she told me. I tilted my brow. “Okay, I mean, I know how it happens, obviously, but I don’t know how exactly it happened for us.”
“Explain,” I said, grabbing another bite of my long-forgotten PB&J. I needed something to do with my hands.
“I’m not sure if I ever told you that Macon and Kristy tried to have a baby for a long time.”
I could tell by the pitch in her voice that she did not enjoy talking about her fiancé’s cheating ex. It wasn’t as sore of a subject as it used to be now that Kristy had helped put her second husband, the former sheriff, behind bars.
But it didn’t erase the pain she’d caused Macon.
“Anyway, I guess after she got pregnant so quickly with Hayes, Macon kind of figured it was his fault they’d never conceived.”
That sounded like him. He tried to carry the blame for everything.
“So, you decided to, what? Forgo birth control because of it?” I was trying to figure out where she was going with this story.
“Not exactly,” she answered sheepishly. “But I might not have been as diligent as I should have been, believing that it might never happen for us.”
“Marin.” I tried to sound genuine in my scolding, but how could I? They were having a baby, and if there were two people more deserving, it was Marin and Macon.
My throat constricted.
“I’m sorry I left the party,” I said, my voice suddenly heavy with emotion. “I?—”
“No.” She held up a hand. “I should have told you. I worked up this whole gender reveal in my head and got so wrapped up in the surprise of it all that I forgot to stop and think how it might affect everyone. When the first sentence out of my dad’s mouth was a fearful, ‘Is she healthy?’” I knew I’d made a mistake.
My face softened. “He knows MS isn’t inherited.”
She nodded. “Yes, of course he knows. The rational side of him, that is. But sometimes, when you’re hit with something like that, the irrational thoughts are the ones you hear the loudest.”
I nodded, understanding more than she realized. “So, that’s why you showed up here, in the middle of your engagement party, willing to walk in on Zander and me?”
She grinned.
“Seriously, Marin. Did you really think I’d just run back here, emotional and distraught, and what? Use his dick as a coping mechanism?”
She snorted, her hand flying to her mouth as a laugh bubbled up her throat. “I mean, I wouldn’t blame you. God, those Green genes are really something else, aren’t they?”
Now, it was my turn to laugh. “That is your future brother-in-law!”
“Doesn’t mean I can’t acknowledge that he’s hot.” She shrugged. “And you’re totally right. Adam Levine clone, all the way.”
“Good God,” I muttered. “Who are you? Is this a pregnancy symptom? I think I liked it better when you went fifty shades of red when talking about anything remotely sexual.”
“Oh, I’m not completely cured. Mention a vibrator, and I turn into a tomato.” It was true. She was already fidgeting on the couch and blushing.
I raised my pointer finger in the air. “You just gave me the perfect idea for a baby shower gift! Every new mom needs one.”
Her eyes went wide. “Don’t you dare! My mother will be there.”
Giggles filled the living room, healing my soul bit by bit.
“Thanks for coming over,” I said finally.
“Thanks for spending these three weeks with me. I know it wasn’t easy to take the time off.”
I thought those words over. “No, but maybe it should be.”
“What do you mean?”
“It’s just…” I let out a sigh. “Ever since Chad and I broke up, I keep going out on these dates, hoping I’ll, what? Meet someone? But what’s the point? It’s not like I have anything to offer them. My life is that job.”
She gave me a warm smile. “Then, maybe this vacation is just what you need. Just consider you and your job officially on a break.” I grimaced, and she just shook her head. “How many times have you checked your email?”
“A few times,” I confessed.
“I’ll go in your room right now and confiscate that laptop, I swear to God.”
I pressed my lips together to stop from grinning. “You’re gonna be an amazing mom,” I told her. I’d never meant anything more. This was a role she’d take on effortlessly, and I couldn’t wait to see her embrace it.
“And you’re going to be an amazing aunt,” she assured me.
I swallowed, feeling emotional all over again.
I wasn’t technically going to be an aunt. But she knew that.
I also knew that she didn’t care about technicalities.
“No,” I corrected her. “I’m going to be the best aunt.”
Her face broke out into a wide grin. “Well, my sister already said the same thing so?—”
“Margo thinks she can beat me? Oh, it’s on.” I rubbed my hands together like some maniacal villain. “How do you feel about monograms? Designer diaper bag? Oh! Chandelier in the nursery!”
“Oh God, this kid is gonna be spoiled.”
Hell yeah, she is.
One of the weirdest things so far about this vacation—aside from my temporary roommate—was the lack of an alarm clock. I’d woken up to that jarring sound blasting in my eardrums ever since I was a kid. Even on the weekends, I was an early riser, always heading to the gym or catching up on a bit of work before I started my day.
But when I had gotten to Ocracoke, I’d forced myself to go without. It was vacation after all, right? And vacation was all about relaxation and a disconnect from reality.
But after two days, I’d decided I really fucking hated it.
I rolled over in bed and opened my eyes to the morning sun. The morning sun? I never got up when it was light outside.
What time is it?
Where the hell am I?
Shit, did I sleep through my alarm?
God, I felt disoriented. I turned my head slowly, shifting in the too-firm bed, and found my suitcase on the floor across from me. The world started to make sense again.
Marin. Ocracoke. Wedding.
Pregnant .
The initial shock from last night had worn off, and although the painful reality of once again realizing that my brother was gone was still there, I was truly happy for my best friend.
And so unbelievably grateful to have her in my life.
Seeing her standing there at the door, knowing she’d left her own engagement party to come find me, had reminded me just how amazing she was.
If my brother’s life had to be cut short, I was glad he at least had gotten to spend it with her.
Zander had never come back after he left Marin and me alone to talk. I wasn’t sure if he didn’t feel comfortable with Marin here or if he simply needed to rest. But the two of us talked for hours until Macon came by and stole her back, grumbling about the stragglers at the party and how long it took them to leave.
You give people an open bar, and suddenly, they forget where they live…
It had been late when they both headed home, but part of me had hoped I might see Zander again. He was leaving today, and I’d wanted to have a little more time with him before he left.
To thank him.
To…
It doesn’t matter.
He’s leaving regardless.
I sat up and stretched, looking out the window. It was sunny, which meant it was going to be hot. For a girl who had grown up in Texas and Virginia, you’d think I would be used to this kind of weather, but I hated it. It wasn’t to say I liked the cold either. Give me seventy-five and sunny any day of the week. I was not made for extremes.
I threw the covers off and quickly changed out of my pajamas. I might have packed cozy loungewear, but my PJs were the exact opposite. One hundred percent silk, this little short and camisole set was worth every damn penny, and it made sleeping feel indulgent.
Thankfully, each bedroom in this house came with its own bathroom, so I headed into mine and brushed my teeth. Catching a quick look in the mirror, I tried to tame my hair with a brush, but ended up just tossing it into a messy ponytail before heading into the kitchen.
The house was eerily quiet.
What time was it?
I realized I hadn’t even checked. I made a mental note to mention that to Marin.
See, I was totally acing this vacation thing.
I went to the pantry and pulled out a bag of coffee and then pulled out the pot to fill it with water.
My eyes widened as I saw its digital clock staring back at me.
Nine freaking thirty?
I’d slept in until nine thirty?
After that startling revelation, I realized I wasn’t the only one.
Zander’s bedroom door was still firmly shut.
I had no idea what Zander’s schedule was, but I knew he’d planned on talking to Macon today, so he had to be up at some point.
Maybe I’d make him something as a thank-you for the meal he’d bought me the other night.
I did kind of owe him for bailing right after…
I opened the fridge and stared at the stocked fridge Macon had left us. What should I make? Eggs and bacon? Pancakes? Oh, waffles!
I pulled my head out of the fridge and frantically looked around. I needed a recipe.
Shit, where is my phone?
I remembered I hadn’t had it when I came into the kitchen, so I ran back to my room and found it still plugged in on the side table. Just as I was about to grab it, it started to vibrate.
I looked down at the screen. Marin was calling me.
“Hey, what’s up?” I answered cheerfully.
“Hey.” By the sound of her voice, I knew instantly that something was wrong.
“Are you okay? Is the baby?—”
“Baby is fine,” she assured me. I hope she realized she was going to be saying that a lot over the next five months of her pregnancy. “I’m calling because…” She paused. “Is Zander there?”
I scrunched my brows in confusion, and for some reason, I scanned my room like I expected him to be there. “What do you mean? Where else would he be?”
She let out a sigh. “He was supposed to meet Macon at the coffee shop half an hour ago, and he never showed.”
Dread pooled in my belly as I ran to the window and pulled the curtain to the side.
The spot where Zander’s rental had been parked along the curb was now empty.
“Fuck.” I squeezed my eyes shut.
He wouldn’t.
He would.
“What?” she asked.
“Hold on,” I replied, turning around and marching out of the room.
I headed down the hallway to his room. I didn’t even knock.
I knew there was no point.
He wasn’t there.
The bed was neatly made, and the curtains were pulled closed. It was as if he had never been there.
“He’s gone,” I finally told her.
There was a long pause.
“This is going to destroy Macon.”
I bit my bottom lip, hating that I’d kept this from her. “He came back,” I told her. “It’s a start.”
But even I knew I was grasping at straws.
She said good-bye after that, needing to find Macon to deliver the news. I wandered back into the kitchen as the coffeepot beeped that it was ready.
A whole pot of coffee, just for me.
I sighed, placed my phone on the counter, and grabbed a mug. As I turned around, I noticed the notifications on my screen.
One unread text from an unknown number.
I pulled it up.
Take care of our niece.
—Z
I couldn’t stop the tears that followed, and I had no idea why.