38. Kyle
CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT
KYLE
“ C an’t we at least go out to dinner and talk about things?” Marissa asks for what feels like the millionth time.
“No. Not right now, Marissa,” I say with a sigh, getting fed up with repeating myself.
I’m going to strangle Nelson for letting my ex-girlfriend into the house after I’ve ignored her for weeks. Sure, I’ve been having second thoughts about our relationship ever since she texted me wanting to get back together, but I wasn’t ready to talk.
“ Why not, Kyle? ”
“Still committed to your little pact, I see?” Nelson asks with a chuckle, shaking his head condescendingly. “Childish if you ask me.”
My heart drops as Marissa’s brows furrow. “What pact? What’s he talking about Kyle?”
I’m going to murder him.
Nelson’s smile is smug, and I really wish he’d just butt out and go away.
“Why the hell are you still here, Nelson?” I sneer before he rolls his eyes and disappears back into the house while I continue to stand in the foyer with my ex.
“We’re not together anymore, Marissa. I don’t know why you’re here, or why my brother let you in,” I say, laying it all out there without actually answering any of her questions.
She ignores me, continuing her inquisition. “Let me guess . . . Whatever this dumb pact is, Warren put you up to it.”
My mouth tightens into a thin line, refusing to answer, but she keeps going nonetheless.
Marissa scoffs. “I’m sure it was all his idea, and you just went along for the ride like you always do. He continually gets you into trouble, Kyle. Can’t you see that? It’s absolutely ridiculous, and I think it’s time you cut ties with him and move on.”
I burst out laughing because it’s just so absurd, even though I know she’s being dead-ass serious by the look in her dark eyes. “Why do you think you have a say in what I do, or who I’m friends with, Marissa? Now, that’s ridiculous.”
Marissa sighs and shakes her head like she knows something I don’t, and I’m just being silly. “Because, baby,” she coos, lowering her voice and sidling up to me. “It’s why I’ve been trying to get ahold of you.” She runs her fingers along my forearm, tickling me and attempting to get me worked up, but I feel nothing. Absolutely nothing. “I’m so sorry for breaking up with you, Kyle. I made a mistake. A really stupid one. Will you forgive me?”
I stare at my ex for a minute, scanning her long dark hair and big brown eyes that make her look so sweet and innocent. When I don’t answer, her smile drops slightly, but she doesn't give up.
Marissa never gives up.
It’s actually one of the traits I first admired about her in debate class senior year.
“My parents are paying for my apartment next semester, and I want you to move in with me,” she blurts out.
I blink slowly as if that will give me time to process her words, but it doesn’t really work.
I’m still flabbergasted.
“You want to go from broken up to living together? I don’t understand, Marissa. Why would you want that? Why would you think I would want that?”
“Because, Kyle!” she cries out, reaching for me, but I step out of the way. “I’ve come to realize that other men aren’t considerate like you. Or thoughtful. Kind. Sweet. The list goes on and on, babe!”
She’s getting upset, and my feelings are already tangled up enough, I don’t need to add my ex-girlfriend to the mix.
Fuck!
“My dad loves you, and he’s been so mad at me for losing his favorite pickleball partner. Because now Mom’s trying to learn how to play, and it’s just been an utter disaster. She nearly sprained her ankle last weekend. Kyle, please. This was all just one big mistake. A misunderstanding really.”
She’s trying to guilt trip me, using the relationship I had with her parents against me. I take a deep breath, ready to lay it out there. “Marissa I?—”
“I know you want a family, Kyle.”
My eyes dart up, wide and unblinking.
“Think about it, this could be the very start of it all. The beginning of our fairy tale—just like our parents.”
Marissa’s mom and dad were high school sweethearts, just like mine. We’ve had long conversations about our dreams of one day getting married, buying a house, and having a family of our own.
But things are different now, and I can’t tell her why.
I can’t tell her about Ren.
“I don’t know, Marissa. Moving in together is a really big step. I need to think about it.”
“I know, baby. But it’s a step in the right direction,” Marissa urges, and I can tell she’s getting impatient, as if she expected to waltz right in here and get her way. “You’d rather keep living with your parents? Kyle, come on. That’s a little pathetic. You’re going to be twenty soon.”
She’s playing on my insecurities now, but I’m tired of her manipulations. “I said, I have to think about it. Please just accept that, Marissa.”
“Okay, fine. But we have to sign the lease soon, so you only have a few days to decide, or I’ll have to settle with Jenna as my roommate.” She rolls her eyes as if it would be a major inconvenience to live with her best friend.
“I’ll text you.” That’s all I can say.
All I can offer.
“Bye, Kyle.” Marissa’s perfectly-shaped brows crease while she gives me a once over, examining my features a little more closely, as if she realizes something fundamental about me has changed.
“Bye, Marissa.”
She finally leaves, the familiar scent of cherry blossom following in her wake. I peek through the blinds as she struts down the driveway to her car.
Running my fingers through my messy hair, I tangle it further, wishing I could yank it all out, or maybe scream into a pillow.
I don’t need any of this stress.
I need to focus on summer school.
Not even an hour later, there’s a knock on the front door while I’m working on some homework and studying.
I’m really not up for another unannounced visitor, but at least Nelson isn’t home to intercept. I close one eye and look through the peephole, happily surprised to find Warren on my doorstep.
He barges in as soon as I open the door. “ Bro! You weren’t answering your phone! I’ve got something important to tell you.”
I’m still a little frazzled after my encounter with Marissa, but he doesn’t need to know that. “My bad. What is it?”
“Gee, Kyle. Don’t sound so excited,” Ren chuckles, but he has no idea that Marissa’s been texting me, calling me, and finally just showed up, asking me to move in with her.
It’s overwhelming, and I’m on edge. I don’t know how I can even play it cool right now.
“Sorry, Ren. I stayed up all night Monday, and I’ve been off ever since. What’s the news?” I ask, giving him a bullshit excuse and a fake smile.
“ You okay? ” he asks, worried about me instead of whatever it is he wants to tell me.
“ Yeah, yeah. Just school.” I brush him off. “What’s up?”
He doesn’t look convinced, but answers anyway. “Pops is giving me another opportunity. He’s gonna let me fix up the apartment over the west garage, and I can live in it until graduation. We can live in it.”
My brain overheats, misfiring like a brand-new car screeching across the pavement before hitting the curb and bursting into flame on impact.
We.
He said we.
Ren continues to talk about what an amazing chance this is, and how he’s sure he’ll have it all finished before summer ends.
“It’ll be like our time on the RV except every fucking day . We can finally be together, Kyle. In the real world. Can you believe it?” He laughs so carefree, like a huge weight has been lifted off his shoulders, only to be placed on mine.
Is it possible for a decision to hurt this bad?
To feel so visceral, it grips your throat and stops your heart like a living, breathing entity.
This is too overwhelming.
All of it.
I wasn’t mentally prepared for Marissa to stop by and ask me to move in with her.
And now Ren?
I really don’t think I can handle it.
I have a macro exam coming up that I need to focus on. Summer session was supposed to get me ahead, not put my overall GPA at risk.
Ren finally notices the agony on my face and spurs into action.
“ Hey, hey, hey. What’s wrong?” he asks, cupping my cheeks between his palms, but I ignore him, staring at the ground instead. “ Look at me, ” he demands.
I can’t tell him Marissa just asked me the same exact thing. It would hurt him too much. And I never want to hurt Ren. Ever.
My gaze finally meets his intense stare, neither of us breaking eye contact.
Everything in my soul is telling me the right choice is Ren, but everything I’ve been raised to believe, raised to want for myself, tells me to choose Marissa.
Fuck!
Curling away from him, I scrub a hand through my tangled strands.
I can’t make this decision right now.
I just can’t.
“What’s wrong, Kyle? You can tell me. Please. ”
Warren places a gentle hand on my shoulder, but it’s as if a balloon pops and all the air whooshes out of me on contact. I start to droop, wanting to sink to the floor and melt into it, but two strong hands hold me up firmly.
Concerned eyes urge me to speak, and I have no more strength left, so I give in, confessing everything. “Marissa’s been texting me since the end of our trip. I’ve ignored her, but then she showed up at my house earlier today, and Nelson let her in. She wants to get back together and . . . She asked me to move in with her .”
Ren’s jaw drops, as if he doesn’t believe it, and I almost don’t either. “What?”
“I know. It’s a crazy coincidence that you both asked me the same question on the same day, and now I’m faced with this huge, life-impacting decision,” I blurt out, feeling a little better to get some of this weight off my chest.
“ What? ” he asks again, this time shouting the question.
“I . . .”
Does he really want me to repeat myself?
Ren closes his eyes, rubbing his temples like he’s completely shocked by what I just said, even though things have been strained and distant ever since we’ve been home.
When he finally opens them, his stare is harsh. A storm is brewing in his dark gray depths, and for the first time in history, it seems to be headed my way. “You don’t wanna be with me?”
“I don’t know, Ren,” I say softly.
“After everything we’ve been through? All our memories? And I don’t just mean the road trip, Ky. I’m talking about our whole damn lives .”
“I don’t know,” I repeat in nothing but a weak whisper, shaking my head uselessly as Ren keeps going.
“Even after last weekend? I mean, I know we got interrupted, but I thought it proved that our connection existed outside of the vacation bubble.”
Moving in with him as friends is one thing, but as more is something entirely different, and I just don’t know if I’m ready for it. And I wouldn’t want to lead him on.
“I—”
“Don’t say it again,” he grits out through clenched teeth.
I’m crushing him.
I can see it in his eyes.
I’m absolutely breaking his heart.
But what else am I supposed to do?
“I’m not gay, Ren. I’m sorry. I’m just not.”
My words feel cold and partly untrue.
“And I’m not either, Ky! But that doesn’t mean that I don’t fucking love you!” His voice cracks on the last words. “Or want you. Or think about you every waking moment of the day.” Warren stares at me with panic-stricken eyes, dragging his fingers through his hair like he might rip it all out.
“Ren. Don’t,” I whimper.
This is making things so much harder.
“Don’t what? Confess my love? Tell you that I love you as a brother, a friend, and most of all, that I love you in my bed ? Well, too fucking bad, Kyle. I love it all. I love you .”
He’s going to break me. Rip my heart from my body and stomp on it until there’s nothing left but tattered shreds.
“ I can’t . . . ” I murmur.
The pain in his eyes is staggering, but it was never part of my plan to settle down with a man.
It just wasn’t.
“So what? Now that we’re back in the real world, you’re ashamed to be with me? To be with a guy? Is that it, Kyle? ’Cause you sure as hell didn’t care when you were announcing to everyone in California that I’m yours.”
“I’m not gay,” I repeat on autopilot, my words hollow and dead at this point.
But Ren’s not having any of it.
He goes from heartbroken to livid in one minute, stalking my way and shoving me against the wall. “Tell me who you think about when you stroke yourself at night, Ky. Is it Marissa? Does she still get you hard? Or do you think about us together? Your cock stretching me open? ’Cause I sure as fuck do. I’ll never be the same after what we did on that RV.”
I whimper, nearly melting in his arms, but I hold strong, knowing that the only way to make this hurt less is to be even more cruel in return.
He can’t love me, he has to hate me.
I can feel my heart unzipping as it slowly splits in two while I spit hurtful words into his face. “You’re just jealous because you want what I have. You want a serious relationship because you’ve never had one. Because you can’t keep one.”
Tears fill his eyes, making them shimmer like molten silver, and it’s the exact opposite reaction I wanted. I wanted him to blow up. Yell. Slap me, even.
Not this.
Anything but this.
“Is this really what you want?” he whispers, sounding completely gutted and defeated. So unlike my Ren.
I don’t know.
I don’t fucking know.
“Did those three weeks together mean nothing to you? Because I feel like I’m staring at a fucking alien right now.”
“We have no future together. Not like that,” I murmur, staring off to the side while everything is blurring as I try to hold myself together a little longer.
When I look back, his gaze is cold and detached, sending a chill down my spine.
“You’re trying too hard to be completely straight, and it’s painful to watch. The pact is fucking over. ” Ren rips his friendship bracelet off and throws it to the ground at my feet, storming out of my house and leaving a Ren-shaped hole inside my heart.