40. Kyle
CHAPTER FORTY
KYLE
I ’ve completely lost my happiness without Ren in my life. Nothing feels right. I’m just going through the motions, getting through class the best I can and then retreating to my room at home. It’s been weeks, and I can’t shake the hopelessness.
Mom’s worried, I know she is, I can see it in her eyes every time she looks at me or hugs me a little tighter.
Marissa won’t give up, even though I told her I’m focusing on summer school, and Jenna ended up signing on as her roommate.
I rub my forehead. This is all so fucking confusing.
And awful.
I just want my best friend back.
We’ve never gone this long without speaking, not in all the years of our friendship, but now that sex is involved, things are messy and complicated.
My phone buzzes, so I glance down at the notification.
RenRulesTheWorld started following you.
My brows furrow at the name, but a spark of hope ignites in my belly.
Curious, I click on the new profile that’s definitely not his personal account filled with photos of us. That one’s been inactive since our fight.
I know because I’ve checked.
Many, many times.
Once the page loads, photos of gorgeous, sprawling sand dunes fill the grid— our sand dunes.
There’s a website in the bio, so I click on it, scrolling to the first post.
Episode One: Great Sand Dunes National Park.
As soon as I start reading, I’m immediately pulled in. His words are like poetry, describing not only the setting in vivid details, but also the way it made him feel. Ren’s sense of humor is rolled into his blog post, and I find myself smiling and chuckling a few times, especially when he mentions the cookie sheet sled.
It makes everything ten times harder when I have to see all of this and remember how much fun we had. I agreed for him to use my photo, but in the end, I appreciate him keeping it anonymous.
However, at the same time, I can’t help but feel like I was cut out of the memory. I know it’s only going to get worse when the next post is published, but I click the follow button nonetheless, because I need to know.
But more than that, I need to talk to him.
I have to apologize for the way we left it.
I’m so fucking sorry, and I need to tell him.
I head toward the west garage at Moretti’s Auto Shop and park up front, jogging around to climb up the old, wooden stairs on the side of the building.
Gripping the doorknob, I slowly turn it, pushing it open with no resistance. The apartment is unlocked just like Val said it would be when I texted her to conspire with me.
She thinks Ren and I are meant to be, and this is only a little hiccup along the way. I’m just grateful she’s willing to help me talk to him.
As soon as I step foot inside the renovated apartment, the overpowering scents of fresh paint and bleach sting my nostrils.
Once my eyes blink through the fumes, everything comes into focus.
Holy shit.
The kitchen is stunning.
I wasn’t expecting it to be so high-end.
Ren did an incredible job.
Wow.
My jaw is on the floor as I gaze around at the steel appliances and granite countertops.
It’s empty of furniture and belongings, but otherwise the renovations look complete. Hope bubbles up in my gut that I haven’t ruined everything, and I’m not too late to change my mind.
God, I miss him.
The friendship, support, safety, and intimacy that came so easily isn’t something I should have let go.
I’m an idiot.
An actual fucking idiot.
And with each step, that becomes more and more clear.
I wander down the hallway and into an empty bedroom, finding the string light timeline of our trip hanging on the wall.
It’s all the photos he didn’t post— the photos of us —and a bunch of postcards I’ve never seen before dotted in between.
Incredible.
I plug it in, lighting up our epic journey. My eye catches on a photo I don’t recognize, so I walk over, leaning forward to get a closer look.
I gasp, pressing a hand to my heart as if that will slow the galloping horses inside.
Oh my God.
It’s the very first photo of us that the nice old lady took at the sand dunes. I completely forgot about it. Ren hid it away and never let me see it.
And now I know why.
He’s staring at me with an intensity that goes beyond a platonic friendship.
He’s staring at me as if he loves me.
I take a deep breath, continuing to walk along the timeline, a tidal wave of memories and emotions washing over me.
All of them are good.
Happy.
A terrible longing pierces my ribcage, grabbing hold of my heart.
How could I ever think there was another choice?
It’s Ren.
It always has been and always will be.
Even if I never thought something like this would be part of my life plan.
I’ve been doing a lot of research lately regarding sexuality, and I’m starting to grow more and more comfortable with the term demisexual.
But the mere thought of explaining to everyone I know that I’m with a man because I love him, but not actually gay, makes me queasy and sweaty.
Not a pleasant combination.
But all that matters is that I love my best friend.
And I think I always have, in one way or another.
I hear footsteps on the stairs, but before I can hide or jump out the window, Warren steps in, absentmindedly flipping through what looks like colorful backsplash samples.
He glances up, doing a double take and freezing when he finds me standing in his new apartment. His dark brows crease, and he frowns like he isn’t happy to see me.
I won’t lie, it hurts.
“Uh . . . Um. Hi? ” I mentally facepalm at the way my greeting comes out like a question.
“ Hey. ” His voice sounds cold and hollow. “What are you doing here?”
“I saw your blog,” I blurt out.
“And you drove over here and broke into my place to tell me that?”
I chuckle nervously. “No, of course not. Val let me in because I wanted to see you.” Here goes nothing. “I miss you, Ren. I’m so fucking sorry for everything.”
His gray eyes light up, instantly pulsing to life and awakening with the spark that I know so well.
He’s staring back at me like my Ren.
When he steps closer, I meet him halfway, gripping onto his forearms.
“I miss you,” I repeat. “ So fucking much. Please forgive me, Ren. I never meant to hurt you. I’ve always been a slow-burner, you know that. And I never expected to fall for my best friend.”
Ren’s still silent, but he doesn’t take his eyes off mine, his molten gaze searing a brand into my soul.
I won’t give up.
He needs to know how sorry I am.
“Look, I was freaking out, okay? But I’m fully owning it now. Everything. I thought my whole future would be void if I chose to be with a man, but I see that just isn’t the case. It might look a little different, but I can still have the family I’ve dreamed of. With you, Ren. ”