Chapter 8
FROM: owenbrodieishilarious@
Dear Ms. Hogan,
I’m emailing to offer you the job as my son’s nanny because Sam had a temper tantrum when I told him I can’t hire you to come on my stand-up tour with us.
“She heckled me at a club a few years ago,” I wanted to say.
“She is the sassy little turd who trolls me on Twitter,” I could have told him.
“She’s an even bigger pain in the butt when we’re face-to-face,” I thought to myself.
What I would never tell him is—things could get complicated. For reasons.
Let me know if you want the job.
With great reluctance,
Owen
#AdorableHowObsessedYouAreWithMe
P.S. Were there six Frankies before you who also think they’re funny?
TO: owenbrodieishilarious@
FROM: frankieisfunny7@
Dear Mr. Brodie,
Thank you for your email. Please inform Sam that I like him very much and would love to be his nanny and accompany him on your terrible joke of a stand-up tour.
I can assure you—things will not get complicated. For many, many reasons.
Primarily because Owen Brodie isn’t funny, and he can suck it.
Out of financial desperation and a fondness for your son,
Frankie
#GetOverYourselfPrettyBoy
P.S. There were only five funny Frankies before me.
Gmail suggested frankieisfunny6 for my username at first so I used that for a while.
But my mother is Australian and when most Australians say the word “sex” it sounds like “six.” So when my mum told Australians my email address they thought she said “frankieisfunnysex.” So I wouldn’t get their emails.
And I’m not funny sex. So I changed it to 7.
P.P.S. I guess the only time anyone has ever written the words “Owen Brodie is hilarious” is when they email you.
Clever.
And sad.
TO: Frankie Hogan
FROM: Owen Brodie
Actually, I created this Gmail account just for you, so YOU would have to type out the words “Owen Brodie is hilarious.” Pretty hilarious, huh?
I’m glad you’ve agreed to be Sam’s nanny.
For his sake. I’ll have my business manager send you some paperwork and get your payment info.
I’m sure Martin told you that we’ll need you with us for one month.
In addition to your weekly salary, I will be paying for your travel, hotel accommodations, and meals.
If you need any money to cover incidentals, just let me know.
I’m attaching the itinerary for my tour. We’re flying to the East Coast first and working our way back west. As I mentioned earlier, we’re going to Tampa, so if you still have family there, you can see them because Sam will be spending the night with his mother’s parents.
I should warn you that since I’ll be doing shows at theaters instead of over-twenty-one comedy clubs, I will be asking you to accompany my son to my shows on occasion.
At least until his bedtime. But I will literally be paying you to hear me perform, so I guess the joke’s on me because I can’t stop you from heckling me.
TO: Owen Brodie
FROM: Frankie Hogan
I guess you aren’t very clever after all, Mr. Brodie, since I didn’t have to type out your email address. I just hit Reply to your email.
TO: Frankie Hogan
FROM: Owen Brodie
Copy-pasted from your email: P.P.S. I guess the only time anyone has ever written the words “Owen Brodie is hilarious” is when they email you.
Clever.
Yes. It was clever.
Please give me your phone number for non-flirtational Sam-related purposes only.
Mine is (310) 555-9765
TO: Owen Brodie
FROM: Frankie Hogan
(813) 555-3697
Are we going to schedule a time for me to get to know Sam a little better before we actually go on tour? Obviously he already likes me, but I want to make sure he’s comfortable with me before we travel together.
TO: Frankie Hogan
FROM: Owen Brodie
Yes.
Have you really dated nine guys named Justin?
TO: Owen Brodie
FROM: Frankie Hogan
Oh my God stop watching my YouTube videos!!!!!!
TO: Frankie Hogan
FROM: Owen Brodie
No.