Chapter 17
OWEN: Does finger banging and a handy count as sex if you aren’t in high school? I may have screwed up.
MAMA brODIE: Well now, I suppose that depends on a few factors, hon. Degrees of nudity for either party, level of sexual satisfaction for the finger-banged party, levels of intoxication for both parties, amount of intimate kissing, etc.
OWEN: Oh shit. Thought this was the brothers-only group.
DYLAN: Now THAT was funny.
MILES: My expert legal advice is that you have screwed up in many, many ways, Owen. Well played.
OWEN: I am so sorry, Mama.
MAMA brODIE: Nothing to be ashamed of, sweets. We have always raised you boys to have healthy sex lives.
POPS brODIE: We just forgot to teach y’all how to have healthy love lives. What the shit, son? You couldn’t wait until the end of the tour?
MAMA brODIE: Do not listen to him, sweets. Miles told me her name and I’ve started following your girl on the tits. She is adorable.
MAMA brODIE: Oopsie! *Twitter.
OWEN: Not my girl. How does Miles know her name?
MILES: Martin told me.
MAMA brODIE: I Googled her last night.
DYLAN: So did Owen, apparently.
MAMA brODIE: Her YouTube videos are just delightful! You should have her wide open for you.
OWEN: Uhhh…
MAMA brODIE: I meant open for you. Your stand-up show.
POPS brODIE: May I pour you another mimosa, dear?
OWEN: Thanks as always for your input, everyone. Let’s not talk about this anymore.
POPS brODIE: Try to refrain from giving the nanny your input, loverboy. At least until you aren’t her employer anymore.
MILES: Agreed, Pops. Keep it in your pants, Owen. Like the cheese poops.
DYLAN: So mad I didn’t get to make that joke.
OWEN: Hey. Not sure what the protocol is for texting/calling after what we did last night. But we won’t be able to talk about this at breakfast with Sam around, so I’ll just say… Thanks for letting me touch ur boobs and stuff. That was hot.
FRANKIE: Yeah. Ur the Dave Chappelle of making out. But we can’t do that again.
OWEN: Which part?
FRANKIE: All of it.
OWEN: Agree to disagree.
FRANKIE: I’m serious. We need to establish ground rules.
OWEN: Another negotiation. All righty. Sam isn’t up yet, so we can discuss this on here now if you’d like.
FRANKIE: No kissing no touching no hot-guy looks no flirting no anaconda-related banter no interactions of any kind when either or both of us have consumed any amount of alcohol no sexual tension-inducing behavior of any kind in general.
OWEN: Literally everything we say and do creates sexual tension.
FRANKIE: Owen, we can’t do this. You’re my uncle’s client. I can’t risk messing up your relationship with him--he already thinks I’m a huge screw up.
OWEN: Martin doesn’t have to know. Nobody needs to know.
FRANKIE: Owen.
OWEN: I like hearing you say my name when I make you feel good.
FRANKIE: Excellent example of things you should never say to me.
OWEN: Do you deny that I made you feel good?
FRANKIE: No, but I resent it.
OWEN: Fine. We can follow your rules until we get to New York. But then I’m taking you out.
FRANKIE: No way.
OWEN: Yes way. When Sam’s with my brother. I’m going to be in a music video that my friend Nico’s shooting in New York. Our friend Alex is directing it. There’s an after-party that night. You’ll be my date.
FRANKIE: Agree to disagree.
FRANKIE: Wait. You mean Nico Todd?
OWEN: Yes, but he’s happily married so don’t even think about heckling him, missy.
FRANKIE: What about Alex? That’s Alex Vega, right?
OWEN: Also happily married.
FRANKIE: Well, I’m supposed to meet up with some girlfriends in NYC if I have any free time, so.
OWEN: You’ll join me at the party after you see your friends then.
FRANKIE: This is not the kind of negotiation I had intended.
OWEN: This part is non-negotiable. It’s an order.
OWEN: Shit. Sam’s up. He wants cheese.
FRANKIE: Not before a flight!
OWEN: Roger that. See you at the restaurant in twenty?
FRANKIE: Roger that.
OWEN: ;)
FRANKIE: Stop it.
OWEN:
OWEN: Shit. He had pocket cheese. Ate it when I wasn’t looking. We gotta make sure he eats a lot of dry toast for breakfast or something.
FRANKIE: That’ll teach you to wink at me.
OWEN: ;)