Chapter 17 - Dylan
DYLAN
MAMA brODIE: Evening, sweets! Just checking in on you and Lady Noodlepants. How y’all doin’?
ME: Mr. Noodles and I are doing fine, Mama. Thanks for asking. How are you?
MAMA brODIE: Oh, you know us retired married people. We’re just sittin’ by the fire on the patio together, enjoying some hot chocolate and feeling grateful for our sons.
POPS brODIE: You’ve likely gathered from the general lack of typos that there is no alcohol in our hot chocolate tonight.
MAMA brODIE: Yet.
MAMA brODIE: Now Dylan, it has occurred to us that Thanksgiving is but right around the corner and it’s high time I decide just how big of a turkey I’ll need to order this year.
Also we must determine sleeping arrangements.
Aside from the young Miss Doodlenoodle, shall we expect you to come with a guest?
ME: As of now I would say you can expect me to sleep on a couch with my kitten.
MAMA brODIE: So no progress with your therapist, then? Relationship-wise, I mean.
POPS brODIE: That is none of our business, so you are not obligated to answer.
ME: Really looking forward to seeing y’all on Thanksgiving!
POPS brODIE: Well played, son.
MAMA brODIE: I will tits nothing but post tits for you, my love.
MAMA brODIE: Shit.
MAMA brODIE: Positive tits!
MAMA brODIE: Thoughts! I will think pork thoughts!
POPS brODIE:
MAMA brODIE:
MAMA brODIE: Oops! Tits was supposed to be
POPS brODIE:
Yeah, I’m out.
I leave my phone on the counter and go to the guest room to check on my cat.
I mean, I don’t know why anyone in my family would expect me to end up with anyone other than a shrink.
It’s just not looking like I’m going to end up with my current shrink. As much as I’d like to. I really don’t like that she walked off on me like that the other night. I understand it. I respect it. But I don’t like it.
My girl’s all curled up in a furry gray ball, fast asleep.
I guess it would be mean to wake her up just because I want to cuddle with her.
I guess that would make me a bad cat parent.
With an anxious attachment style. Maybe kittens and therapists should stop being so fucking cute if they don’t want me to adore them so much.
I guess I should order dinner or something.
Maybe text back one or two of the fifty people who’ve invited me out these past couple of weeks.
Maybe read one of the ten scripts my agent sent me.
Maybe I should jerk it to my therapist one more time to see if that gets her out of my system.
When I pick up my phone to order food, I see that there’s a missed call from a private number and a voicemail.
“Hi. This is Noah. From school? I’m the one who gave you the kitten.
I kept wanting to call you for, like ever since that day, but I’ve been really busy with stuff.
So I’m calling for Mr. Noodles. I’m gonna give you this phone number so you can call me back, okay?
Get something to write it down now because I’m going to read it to you…
Do you have a pen? Okay, the phone number is 310-555-1987.
If my mom answers, just hang up and call again. Okay, bye.”
It’s about time that kid called.
I call him right back, and I don’t have to write down the number because I have an incredible memory.
For instance, I remember exactly what Scarlett Shepard smelled like when I tied her shoelaces three years ago.
I remember exactly how I felt when I saw her standing there in the doorway to her office that first time.
I remember the way she trembled when I caressed her hand with my thumb on Friday night.
Someone answers after the first ring. “Hello?”
Well, that is a sexy hello.
“Hi. I’m returning Noah’s call.”
“Who’s this?”
“This is Dylan.”
Long pause. “You’re calling for Noah?”
I know that voice. “Scarlett?”
“What is happening?”
“You’re Noah’s mom?”
“Why are you calling my son?”
“He just left me a message. He’s the one who found my kitten. At his school.”
“Oh my God. Yeah, that sounds like Noah.”
“Wait, so your son is in my niece’s class.”
“Wait, so you gave my son your phone number?”
“He told me to write it down. In his notebook.”
“Have you been talking to my son?”
“No, he just called me for the first time and left a message a minute ago.”
“I don’t know how I feel about this.”
“Well, I guess we should talk about that in our next session.”
She does not find that funny. “Dylan.”
“Wait. Noah said his dad is Adam Bryce. That’s your ex-husband?”
“I don’t think it’s a good idea to discuss my personal life with you.”
“You were married to an actor?” Now I’m having some vague memory of a magazine cover saying that he fell in love with his co-star. “Is that why you don’t want to date me?”
“There are numerous reasons why I can’t date you.”
“You didn’t say you don’t want to.”
I can hear Noah in the background. “Did someone call for me?”
“You aren’t supposed to make calls to anyone other than your dad without telling me, Noah.” Her voice is muffled. She’s probably holding the phone against one of her beautiful breasts. My lips are currently separated from her beautiful breast by two phones.
“Is it the guy with my cat? I need to talk to him!”
“It is not your cat.”
“Moooommmm!!!”
“You’re in big trouble, young man.”
I don’t know which of us young men she’s talking to, but I hope it’s me.
“Hello?” Noah is on the phone with me now. “This is Noah.”
“Hey, Noah. This is Dylan.”
“Hi. You were s’posed to hang up if my mom answered.”
“I know. I probably should have.”
“Do you still have Mr. Noodles?”
“I do, and guess what? The vet told me Mr. Noodles is a girl. But I’m keeping the name anyway.”
“Oh, cool! So she didn’t have the thing in her neck?”
“She didn’t have a microchip, so I decided to keep her. She’s healthy and great, and they said she’s old enough for vaccinations, so she got her shots and I take her back to get more in a few weeks.”
“Can I talk to her?”
“Well, she’s sleeping right now.”
“Can I come see her?”
“Okay, that’s enough, Noah. Go to your room.” Noah’s mom does not sound happy.
“Why?!” Noah sounds even less happy than his mom does.
“Because you can’t just go around calling strange men and asking to go to their houses.”
“Strange men.” Rude.
“But he’s Greyson Manning’s brother!”
“His name is Ashton Manning.”
Well, now. Dr. Shepard knows my Disney name.
“Go to your room, Noah. One. Two. Three…”
“I need a snack!”
“I will bring you one later. Off you go. Don’t make me count again.”
Oh no. Not the counting again.
I hear Noah stomping off and growling.
I know how he feels. His mom is very frustrating.
She sighs into the phone. “Hello, Dylan.”
“Hello, Noah’s mom.”
“I guess we’ll discuss all of this on Thursday.” She sounds a tad accusatory.
“You don’t actually think I somehow devised this plan to give a talk to my niece’s class because I knew your son was in it and asked him to find a kitten and give it to me so I could have a reason to call your house, do you?”
“I really don’t know what to think.”
“You don’t know what to think or feel, but your instinct is to walk away from me and send your son to his room.”
“Yes.” So resolute. Then she exhales loudly. “I’m sorry I walked off like that the other night.”
“It didn’t feel great.”
“I shouldn’t have been around you when I was intoxicated.”
I have to laugh at her use of the word intoxicated. I wish it didn’t make me like her more. I wish something would make me like her less.
“I hope I didn’t ruin your night…” she mutters.
“I didn’t go home with anyone else, if that’s what you want to know.”
“That is not what I was getting at.” She sighs. She sounds relieved to me. “I’ll see you on Thursday.”
She doesn’t hang up.
I don’t say anything.
“Dylan?”
“You still don’t believe in fate?”
She doesn’t answer right away this time, so that’s something. “I believe in coincidences, and I believe in upholding ethical standards in fiduciary relationships.”
“I’m going to have to Google the definition of fiduciary, but maybe you should look up the definition of denial.”
I end the call.
It’s a shitty thing to do, but there’s nothing else we can say about this that hasn’t been said before.
Except “I don’t want to be your client anymore.
I want to be so much more to you. All you have to do is let me.
” But then she’d just say, “I still can’t date you because you’re a former patient.
And because you’re six years younger than me.
And because you’re an actor who falls in love with his co-stars.
And because I’m clearly so attracted to you that I’m afraid my life will implode if I allow myself to experience the amount of pleasure that you are capable of giving me, both physically and emotionally. ”
And all I would say in response to that is…“Yes. Exactly. Let me.”