Chapter 2
MAMA brODIE: Hello, Miles! Now, I just watched that precious video you sent me of Macy singing the national anthem at that baseball game. Twice!
POPS brODIE: She even turned the sound on the second time.
MAMA brODIE: It was absolutely precious. She tries so hard, the little angel. I’m just curious—what kind of a deal did you make to create that wonderful opportunity for her?
MILES: It wasn’t a deal exactly. They needed someone to sing the national anthem. I recommended Macy.
MILES: And told the manager of the team I’d get an actor whose name rhymes with Schwayne Schmonson to sign a baseball for him if he’d let Macy do it.
MAMA brODIE: Well that was very sweet of you, son. Very sweet indeed. I intend to give Macy a call in a bit. Is she at your house tonight?
MILES: She’s with her mom this week, but it would make her really happy if you call her there.
MAMA brODIE: Will do!
MAMA brODIE: Now, is she embarrassed at all? Should I be reassuring? Or does she not hear what other people hear? I need to know how to approach this.
MILES: If you could just support and encourage her, that would be great.
MAMA brODIE: I do support her!
MAMA brODIE: I’m just wondering how much longer we’re going to be encouraging her to pursue a passion that she has absolutely no talent for?
POPS brODIE: Bonnie Lyn.
MAMA brODIE: I am not telling him how to parent, Joe, I am simply wondering if our normally very shrewd son has considered whether or not a little tough love and good old-fashioned honesty might truly be more supportive in the long run.
POPS brODIE: Or some singing lessons, perhaps…
MILES: We’ve hired two different vocal coaches before, but they’re very discouraging and it’s not good for her self-esteem.
MAMA brODIE:
POPS brODIE: Surely there’s more than two vocal coaches out there. Just a matter of finding the right one.
MILES: Maybe it’d be better if you don’t call her, Mama. She’ll have to go to bed pretty soon anyway.
POPS brODIE: Good idea. We’ll call her as soon as your mama realizes it’s not her job to tell everyone how to live their lives. Or we will call her when Macy graduates from high school—whichever comes first.
MILES: We look forward to hearing from y’all again in ten years.
MAMA brODIE: Oh hush, you two. Now, Miles. I spoke with the lovely Juanita again, and she is still single, if you can believe it!
POPS brODIE: Jesus.
MAMA brODIE: Well, if Miles is already seeing someone, then he can tell us and I will keep my mouth shut about this matter from now on.
POPS brODIE:
MILES: Juanita is the customer service representative you speak to in Puerto Rico, right?
POPS brODIE: Taking her phone away now, Miles. Have a good night. Give Macy our love.
MILES: Will do.
DYLAN: Good evening! This is your regularly scheduled reminder that I’m engaged and you aren’t.
DYLAN: Also reminding you that you should ask out that woman you like.
MILES: I don’t like anyone. Leave me alone.
DYLAN: Not until you’ve found what you’re looking for.
MILES: I have no memory of that conversation you keep referring to, so stop referring to it.
DYLAN:
MILES:
DYLAN:
OWEN: Hi there. Mama would like me to encourage you to keep an open mind about dating prospects. Specifically, Juanita from Puerto Rico.
OWEN: Actually, what she texted was “Tell Miles to kink an open moaned about daring probe. Spunk Juanita from Pork Sword.” And Frankie helped me translate it. We think Mama might be writing erotica on her phone.
OWEN: Actually, Frankie thinks Mama and Pops sext each other a lot, but I’d rather think of her as writing Fleshy Shafts of Girth in her Notes app.
OWEN: Is that funny? I’m trying to work that into a comedy bit.
MILES: No. None of that is funny.
OWEN: It’s funny because it’s true.
MILES: It’s not funny because you aren’t funny. I seriously don’t know how you make a living as a comedian.
OWEN: Well, someone’s meatstick is in a twist.
OWEN: Who’s Juanita, anyway? Is she that woman you told Dylan you liked when you were drunk that time?
MILES: That never happened. There is no woman.
OWEN: There’s always Juanita!
MILES: Leave me alone.
OWEN: I’m just gonna leave this Spotify playlist right here and you can listen to it whenever you want a little pick-me-up. xoxo
OWEN brODIE’S BALONEY PONY MIX
MILES: Are you 12?
OWEN: Are you 82? You need to lighten up.
MILES: What are you talking about? I’m hilarious.
OWEN: You’ve been living under a dark cloud lately.
MILES: No I haven’t.
OWEN: .
MILES: Missed opportunity. There are tons of songs called “Trouser Snake” that you could have put on there.
OWEN: Didn’t like any of them. That’s a very carefully curated list, FYI.
MILES: It’s funny. Thanks.
OWEN: You okay?
MILES: Yeah. Thanks. We’ll talk soon.
MILES: But I am hilarious.
OWEN: .