Chapter 23 Miles #2
“All right, all right, all right,” Pops says, always the master of ceremonies for family game night and always Matthew McConaughey for a portion of it, at least since the year 2014.
“Welcome to this very special family friendly Engagement Party edition of Brodie Mad Libs. You have your word cards in front of you. I will now read aloud from a Sentence Card, and each of you will choose which words you would like to use to fill in the blanks. We will then go around and read our sentences. After hearing each sentence, we will point to the player whose sentence we enjoyed the most. You may not choose your own sentence. The player with the most votes wins a point for that round. First player to win three points wins the game.” He sticks a large card up on a bulletin board.
“Our first sentence is: The best advice I can give to the happy couple is to always blank the blank whenever you blank.”
My selection of words stinks, but since I’m a super chill happy guy now, I do not complain. I can tell Macy isn’t thrilled with her selection either, but she probably ate too many biscuits to have the energy to voice her dissatisfaction with anything.
We all read aloud our versions of the sentence. So far, one of my favorites comes from Evelyn Chan Shepard: “The best advice I can give to the happy couple is to always kiss the vulva whenever you hammer.”
“As a reminder, ladies and Owen, these words were supposed to be family friendly.”
“In my defense—the v-word was Frankie’s contribution, and I’m willing to bet hammer was Mama’s.”
“In my defense,” says Mama, “I did mean for it to be used as a noun. It was Evelyn’s marvelous choice to utilize it as a verb.” She winks at Scarlett’s mom.
“My sentence is, coincidentally, very similar to a Chinese proverb,” Evelyn says with as straight a face as her daughter had when she was messing with me. “I’m just kidding. It’s similar to one of my sayings to my husband.” She nudges her husband.
There are so many cute couples here I just want to throw up.
My next favorite comes from Frankie’s Australian mother Donna Hogan, via Skype. “The best advice I can give to the happy couple is to always butter the barbie whenever you crack a fat.”
“What does crack a fat mean?” asks Noah. “Please tell me it means fart in Australian.”
“Sure,” says Frankie. “Let’s go with that.”
Peter Hogan, who’s originally from Kentucky, is next. “The best advice I can give to the happy couple is always to yobbo the dirty bird whenever you choof off.”
“Oh, Peetah,” Donna says, giving him a nudge. “Yobbo is a noun.”
“I thought we were encouraged to be creative. My apologies.”
“Miss Alice,” Pops says when it’s Macy’s turn. “Whatcha got there, darlin’?”
She rolls her eyes and then stands up to recite her sentence.
“The best advice I can give to the happy couple is to always fart the cheese whenever you poop.” She huffs and sits back down.
“All of the words I got were fart, cheese, and poop.” She eyes Noah and Owen accusingly.
They are both holding their stomachs because they’re laughing so hard.
“Are those the only words you boys wrote down?”
“Yes!” Noah says. “Only because we were hoping you’d get them.”
“Cheese poop fart!” Sam cries out, laughing. He has clearly consumed too much sugar. “Fart cheese poop! The only words you need for a sentence!”
“Poop fart cheese!” Noah says with a straight face.
“All right, you two,” Scarlett says. “That’s enough.”
When it’s time to vote for our favorite sentence, I vote for my daughter’s, of course, as do Sam and Noah.
She wins that round. She also somehow manages to win every round thereafter and, thus, the game.
She’s in such a good mood by the end of it, she stands up on the sofa and says, “Okay! I have a joke for you! Are you ready?” She flips her hair before continuing—a mannerism she’s picked up from Summer Miller.
“What do you call dairy air?” She pauses for a beat. “A cow fart! Get it?!”
Everyone is so surprised she attempted a fart joke that no one points out that she told it wrong.
I am so proud of her. We all laugh and applaud her.
Even though I can’t share my secret news with her tonight, it’s enough that she was willing to share my stupid fart joke with our family.
She falls asleep in the Uber on the way home, and I carry her up to bed, feeling like everything is going to be okay.
I text Aria that I’m back and then go over to her guest house for a quick visit. She put curtains up a couple of weeks ago, so there’s privacy. She answers the door wearing pajamas and looking sleepy, even though it’s only ten o’clock. We wait until she’s closed the door behind me to hug.
“Have a good time?” she asks.
“Yeah. They’re all excited to meet you at the party on opening night.”
“Good. I’m excited to meet them too.” She yawns. She’s been working so hard.
“I won’t stay long,” I tell her, kissing her forehead. “I missed you tonight. And I am so in love with you. I just had to say it.”
She looks up at me with very little shock in her expression. “I love you too.”
And that’s all we say to each other before we hug again and I leave.
I really wanted to tell her about the cow fart joke, but I wanted to leave it with I love you more.