4. Chapter Four
Chapter Four
Violet
I thought about my conversation with Bells for days, and today I found myself in the last place I wanted to be. The two warriors at the bridge connecting Crescent Moon to Guardian Moon were staring at me, trying to figure out what the heck I was doing.
Me too, dudes. Me too, I thought as I willed my legs to move.
If I could get my legs to move. If I could take this first step across the boundary of the pack grounds, maybe I could do other stuff.
I worked myself up to this point. I ate again with my family in the dining room last night, and I was trying to ride the high of pushing through my fears. I called Aunt Kassie earlier today, asking if I could come over to play with little Koa. Little pups were a good motivation. I loved them and I rarely got to see hers.
So now I was here, trying to convince myself that I would be okay if I moved forward a step. The warriors at the gates knew better than to approach me. Every warrior knew by now what happened to me last year and that I didn’t like being touched. So, we’d been standing here for the last fifteen minutes, all of us waiting to see if I would be able to move from my spot.
I was still trying to convince my legs to move, when a group of warriors approached the bridge from Guardian Moon, and Nenetl’s hackles instantly rose, along with my heart rate. I took a panicked step back, my hands sweating and my eyes unfocused. My breathing was speeding up.
“Are you okay?” one of them asked, stepping away from the group, and I whimpered as he walked closer.
Doug, if I remember his name correctly. I think I went to school with him. I couldn’t answer his question, though. I was trying to breathe through my panic.
You’re safe. You’re safe. You’re home. You’re safe, I chanted, closing my eyes tight. I willed them all away, hoping they would move on when I didn’t answer.
“Violet?” A voice reached my ears.
The voice was familiar, and Nenetl instantly calmed down and curled back up in the back of my mind. I opened my eyes and saw Christopher a few feet away, pushing past the other warriors.
“I’m f-I’m fine,” I stuttered. “I was trying to go see Aunt Kassie.”
Christopher turned around and dismissed the warriors. To my relief, they all walked past me, giving me a wide enough berth that helped calm my racing heart.
“Do you need someone to walk you?” Christopher asked.
“I um...” I started nervous but trailed off, staring at the bridge behind him for a minute. I looked back at Christopher, who didn’t push me to keep going. He just stood there patiently, waiting for me to answer. “I can’t get across the bridge,” I answered quietly, shame crashing into my body as I admitted it to someone outside my family.
Christopher cocked his head at my answer.
“How come?” he asked.
“I can’t move my legs,” I admitted.
“Are you injured? Should I call the doctor or Luna Natalia?”
“No. It’s not phys—I just can’t make myself move.”
“Oh.” He was quiet for a moment, contemplative before he offered. “Should I carry you across?”
I didn’t expect the laugh that came out of me, and I swear I saw the corner of his mouth twitch. “No. I can’t have you carrying me over every threshold I’m scared to cross. I need to do it myself. I have to figure this out.”
He looked at me again for a long moment before he grunted, but didn’t move from his spot.
“Aren’t you going to leave?” I asked awkwardly after a few moments of silence.
“Got nothing more to do. I will wait with you.”
“Why?” I asked, honestly surprise and boggled by his answer.
Christopher grunted and I thought that was the end of his explanation, but then he surprised me.
“Someone being brave enough to push through and do something that scares the crap out of them bears witnessing,” he stated, in that calm way of his that made it feel like his words were a fact he was reciting.
I pondered his words for a while, looking over at the bridge. The guards were still looking at us with curiosity.
If I could do this, maybe I could help Bells, I thought. I repeated it a few times before I took in a deep breath.
You with me, Nenetl? I asked my wolf.
As usual, she didn’t say anything. She didn’t even stand, but she did lift her head to watch. I guess that was as much encouragement as I was going to get out of her.
I walked over to the edge of the bridge with heavy, shaky leg, but when I got to where the gravel met concrete of the bridge, my legs stopped working. I wiped my hands on my jeans, my heart was hammering in my chest, and I was starting to feel a little faint.
You can do this. You can do this. Come on. Do it for Bells. I kept repeating the words, hoping one of them would stick and my legs wouldn’t feel like they were made of marble anymore.
I felt a presence behind me, and I was oddly not reacting to it, but a whiff of the wind brushing by me told me why.
Imprinting.
That’s what Dr. Campbell called it when she explained why I didn’t fear Christopher after the attack. Me and my wolf had imprinted on the poor man because he was the one who rescued us, the one that pulled the vile man off me and took me out of that place. For almost a month, he was the only male outside of Cory, Lucien and Dad we could stand being near. He was the only person outside my immediate family that we didn’t fear. He was still the only male outside my family who didn’t make me scream when he got near.
Christopher wasn’t saying anything as he continued to stand beside me, but his presence alone helped clear the panic and fear that made my brain ineffective. Once I took that first step onto the bridge, the rest of them came a little easier.
One foot in front of the other, like Bells said. Before I knew it, I was standing on the other side of the bridge and felt like I was twenty feet tall, not my meager five-foot-two.
I continued to walk toward the pack house, and I managed to push through the double doors without meeting anyone. I thought the hard part was over, but the moment I walked in and saw all the movement of people around me, my heart seized, and I started to back away. In a panic, I took two steps back and I felt my back hit a hard wall.
“You’re almost there. You can make it up the stairs,” Christopher murmured only loud enough for me to hear.
I gulped and nodded. One step in front of the other repeated in my head until I was in front of Aunt Kassie’s room. I turned around to thank Christopher, but he was nowhere behind me.
I turned back to the door with a smile and knocked. Aunt Kassie opened the door, and I grinned at the shocked look on her face. She schooled it quickly, but I knew she was just as shocked as I was that I made it all the way here.
“Violet! Come in, sweetie. You’ve got great timing. He just woke up.” Her voice still sounded a little shocked and incredibly happy.
I walked in and sat on the couch, exhausted over the energy I’d spent just getting here, but it was worth it. I texted Mom to let her know where I went so she wouldn’t worry. She worried a lot about everyone, but I wanted to be cautious of her feelings considering the last time I went out without telling anyone, I was kidnapped. I took a picture of Aunt Kassie walking in with her son and sent it as proof. Mom sent me back a giant thumbs up.
I took little Lorenzo into my arms. This was the best reward, though I was tired enough that I didn’t know how long I would be able to stay here. The internal fight and panic wiped me out a little.
“I can’t believe how big he’s gotten,” I said, inhaling his baby smell. Maybe if there was a baby waiting for me at the end of every place I went, I might be able to get through this.
“He’s giving me hell for sure. I can’t get him to sleep through the night.”
“Maybe he’s got more vampire than your other pups, Auntie,” I teased.
“It’s possible, but he doesn’t sleep through the day either,” she chuckled. “How are you doing? I’m sorry I haven’t been over too often lately. The kid wipes me out, and I’ve gone back to training.”
“That’s alright. You’ve got a busy life. I’m... Well, I’m trying,” I answered, giving her a half smile.
“Trying and succeeding. This is huge, Violet. Since when are you able to leave... your house, really.”
“I went to dinner at the pack house twice this month, and this is the first time I’ve left the pack grounds,” I admitted.
“Wow, I’m happy for you, Violet. That’s amazing progress.”
“I want to be happy, Aunt Kassie,” I replied softly, looking down at Lorenzo so she wouldn’t see me blinking back tears.
“You deserve to be, Violet. What happened to you... It never should have happened.”
“I got off lucky, all things considered. How’s Adrien? I haven’t seen him since—” I stopped talking, unable to finish the sentence.
Adrien was Tori’s father and Aunt Kassie’s son. He and his mate Elias found Tori that night. Elias visited me a month after we got back, but I hadn’t seen my cousin Adrien since before I was kidnapped.
“He’s working through his grief. He and Elias are visiting Sam right now. He loves you, Violet, but it’s painful for him to even be in the pack house. Her room is still untouched.”
“Does he blame me? Because Tori was trying to get me out of the house?” I asked, voicing the question I hadn’t been able to ask Mom all this time. Tori was out of the pack grounds because she was trying to cheer me up after I lost my mate. If she hadn’t tried, she would be back in university right now, studying to become an architect.
“Oh, no. Sweetie, he doesn’t. He doesn’t blame you at all. It’s just... Adrien didn’t have a lot of family for a long time, and Tori was his baby. Outside of Mama Isabel, he hadn’t lost family in a very long time. It’s a process he’s slowly getting through.”
Process. I knew all about that, so I stopped pushing.
“Lalo and Miguel are coming up from training. Is that okay?”
I nodded and held onto little Lorenzo a little tighter. I didn’t mind the males in my family anymore. I really didn’t. But Uncle Lalo and Miguel were bear huggers, and I wasn’t sure I was up for one of those yet.
They made so much noise while coming down the hallway, but entered slowly and quietly. I chuckled, hugging Lorenzo to me. Clearly, they knew of Mom and Dad’s strategies when dealing with me.
“Hey, Violet! Good to see you, cousin.” Miguel came over and pressed a sweaty sloppy kiss on my temple but otherwise made sure to keep his hands on the couch, away from me.
Uncle Lalo came and did the same, though with much less slobber. Miguel was always the more expressive one of my cousins, and I appreciated the restraint he made when he flopped down next to me, only to jump as if his butt was on fire and move further down to the other end.
We hung out for another twenty minutes before I returned the baby to Aunt Kassie and excused myself to go home. I made it to the stairs and paused as I took in the activity on the ground floor. I didn’t realize it was so close to supper time, and the foyer was bustling with people running around.
I wasn’t sure if I could do this, but I forced my legs to keep moving down. I got to the base of the stairs but couldn’t force myself to take the last step. I pulled my phone out, with every intention of calling Aunt Kassie to come help me, when I felt movement to my side. Christopher was standing in front of a set of chairs under the stairs.
“Ready?” he grunted.
“You’ve been waiting for me this whole time?” I asked incredulously. I was up there almost an hour and a half.
“Been hanging out,” he shrugged, motioning over with his head toward the other seats, where a few other warriors were sitting.
I didn’t know how to respond without falling before his feet to cry out my gratefulness. When I simply stood there staring at him, speechless, he waved at the other men and came to my side. He didn’t touch me, but was a steady beacon of safety ready to protect me.
“Shoulders back, chin up. Looking tough is half the battle. Whenever you’re ready,” he whispered.
I shook my head to clear the turbulent thoughts and squared my shoulders. I didn’t feel tough, but I sure as heck felt safe right now, so I put one step forward, then the other. I concentrated on looking at each goal. The doors, the bridge, the pack house, and the dining room. When I got there, Christopher looked around and when he saw my family was in there, he nodded sharply at my thanks and left.
Cory smiled proudly at me when I walked in, and I almost crumbled at having it directed at me. I didn’t know if I deserved it yet, but it did make me feel the motivation to keep pushing myself and make my big brother proud. I sat next to Evie and James today, talking to little Molly on his lap. She just started first grade this month and told me all about her teacher and friends while I held Lucas in my arms so Evie could eat comfortably.
Dad came and got me from the pack house after dinner, and we talked about the ending of the second Kingkiller Chronicles book, and my indignation at knowing there was no date for the third, even after all these years. Mom and Dad were both readers, and while I didn’t read the romance novels Mom loved, I shared a love of epic fantasy with Dad. As we got near the house, Dad pulled out his phone and sent me names of a few series he’d read that I hadn’t heard of.
“You know, it’s your fault I became a reader,” he mentioned as we climbed the porch steps.
“How is that my fault?” I wanted to know.
“You’ve always been a bookworm, and when you were little, you liked to read stories before bed. Mom took over most days, but sometimes you wanted me to read to you, and I couldn’t say no.”
“So, you got hooked on reading because I made you read me fairy tales?” I asked, smiling.
“No. The fairy tales was Mom. I read you stories about dragons, trolls and fairies,” he insisted.
“Aren’t those fairy tales?”
“Let an old man keep his dignity, Vi,” he chuckled. We got to the bottom of the stairs, and his chuckle trailed off. “I’m proud of you Violet.”
“It was just dinner, Dad,” I chuckled, but accepted his hug nonetheless.
“It’s never just dinner, Violet. It’s something to be proud of. Your mom left a piece of cheesecake in the fridge for you if you need a snack.”
“Thanks, but I just want a hot shower and to pass out. I’m exhausted.”
“Alright, but I don’t guarantee it’ll be there in the morning. I think we have mice,” he warned, making me chuckle.
“Mice that can open fridge doors?” I teased.
“They’re evolving, Violet. Soon, they’ll take over the world,” he said ominously as he backed away and walked down toward their room.
By the time I made it to my room, my entire battery was drained. I took a scorching shower to relax the muscles that had practically seized while forcing my body to do something my brain was screaming it not to do. I laid down in bed after, wondering about what I was going to do next. By the time I fell asleep, I had something to discuss with my therapist tomorrow.
“ I want to go to Redmon,” I told Mom and Dad the next day at dinner.
“I’m sorry, what?” Dad asked, his fork slipping out of his hand, and I watching him fumble to catch it on the way down.
“Cory and Evie are traveling to Redmon Moon to help Bells with the harvest. I want to go with them,” I clarified.
“Sweetie, I don’t think you’re ready for that,” Mom answered, looking concerned.
“For which part?”
“All of it. Leaving the pack, traveling on a plane full of people, living in the pack house with strangers, doing manual labor in the middle of a hundred other people. You’re making good progress. I don’t want you to backtrack because you pushed too fast.”
“I talked to Dr. Campbell. She thinks it’s a good idea, if I take precautions,” I countered.
“What kind of precautions?” Dad asked.
“She thinks if I travel with Cory and Evie, I should be okay. I feel safe with my family. Once I get there, I just need to stick to them, and I should be fine. I can ask Bells to give me an inside door lock to feel safe.”
“And when you’re outside?” Dad asked, side-eyeing Mom, unconvinced.
“I won’t be outside. Bells needs help with paperwork. That’s what I want to help with. I’ll be in her office.”
My parents were quiet for a while, so I continued eating as I let them process and talk about my decision via mind-link. I think they knew that ultimately, I would do whatever I felt was necessary. I was an adult, and as long as I didn’t abandon my pack, there was no reason why Cory, who was technically my alpha, would deny my request. They knew this as well as I did, but I still wanted their blessing.
“Okay,” Dad finally said.
“Yeah?” I said, feeling happy that they were going to support me with this.
“Yeah, but I want a guard with you at all times,” Dad added.
“But—”
“It’s for me and your mom. We need to make sure you’re okay.”
“I c-can’t. I don’t want someone over my shoulder the entire time. I’m not there yet,” I answered honestly.
“We’ll talk to Dr. Campbell, if you’ll allow us to, and figure something out. Maybe a woman guard or Miguel?” Mom suggested.
“I d-I don’t know. I’ll think about it, alright?”
“Thank you. That’s all we’re asking,” Dad said, smiling widely at me.
“If you’re thinking about doing this, will you be okay with going back to school?” Mom asked.
“I deferred for this year already, but if I can push through this, I want to, yes. It’s only one last year.”
“I’m proud of you for pushing through your fear, Violet. Especially to help your sister,” Mom grabbed and squeezed my hand.
“It’s not just for Bells, Mom. I need to change. To become unstuck. I think going there will do it,” I replied, feeling hope for the first time in a year.
“I think it will be good for you,” Dad agreed.
I was sitting in Cory’s office with Dad. I was waiting for them to tell me what conditions they were setting up for me to go visit Bells. We were leaving in two days and they’d been so secretive about it. I agreed to Dad’s request, and Dr. Campbell, Cory, and Dad had been searching for the right guard to accompany me. At the end of the day, though, I had the last say. Especially if my wolf or I freaked out with their choice.
The door finally opened, and in walked the last person I expected to be recommended by Dr. Campbell.
“Violet, Christopher is going to be accompanying you to Redmon. He’ll be your shadow while you’re outside the pack grounds for the foreseeable future, if you’re okay with that.”
“Dr. Campbell agreed to this?” I asked. It was Dr. Campbell who said Nenetl and I imprinted on Christopher and only time would make the imprinting dissipate.
“Dr. Campbell is the person who suggested him. Are you not comfortable with the choice?”
I bit my lip. It was at times like these that I wished Nenetl would still speak to me, but as usual, she was laying in the back of my mind, oblivious to the turmoil going through my head.
“Are you sure you want to do this, Christopher?” I asked, hoping to get some sort of understanding of how he was feeling for this. But he wasn’t giving anything away. His face was blank and his eyes were focused on a picture behind Cory.
“I do as I’m instructed. If I’m needed to accompany you, I will accompany you without complaint.”
I sighed. “That’s not what I was asking. You’re one of Cory’s top warriors. Even I know you should have become an elite warrior long before now. You’re taking on a babysitting job. Don’t you want to take on more important assignments?”
“You are one of the most important people in Crescent Moon. It’s my duty and honor to protect and support in any way I’m needed.”
I wanted to scoff at him calling me important. I was one of the alpha children, that was true, but I was not important in the grand scheme of things. Lucien and I were the odd ones out of this, the middle children. The ones destined for normal lives. And his ambiguous, generic response did nothing to help me feel better about this situation. It sounded like it belonged in a movie like Mulan rather than the twenty first century.
Would I feel better with Christopher by my side? Absolutely. But was I willing to stop this man from moving forward? I watched him as we grew up. He was a good warrior. He had a lot of promise and he was loyal to a fault. I knew he wanted to be more and I wasn’t about to take that from him.
“No,” I told my brother and father, making up my mind. All three men looked at me in surprise. “I will go by myself. I might have a few setbacks, but I can do this.”
Dad and Cory started mind-linking as they talked about it, and I was fine with that until Christopher joined in their mind-linking.
“I would prefer to be included in this conversation since it’s about me,” I pointed out, making Cory sigh as their eyes cleared.
“I would prefer you go with a guard, but if you need to prove something to yourself, you have my support.”
Dad looked more conflicted, but in the end he nodded. Christopher excused himself and after discussing a few more things with my family, I walked back home with Dad. I packed and then sat in my room waiting for the panic attack to hit. It didn’t come. Instead, what I felt was incredible sadness.
I pulled my tablet out and started reading, hoping to keep the sadness at bay, but the words blurred, and my tears began running down freely. I didn’t deserve this. Any of this. All I ever wanted growing up was to find my mate and make babies. I was studying graphic design to help the family company. I was a good girl. I obeyed my parents. I never ran off to find trouble. I had saved myself for my mate.
In a few months, everything I worked for was stripped away.
I put my tablet aside, held my pillow to my mouth to stop the sobs from carrying down to my parents and willed myself asleep. It took a while, but eventually, darkness took me.
I woke up the next morning and checked my bedroom for anything else I needed to take.
“Violet, I’m here!” Cory called down as I stuffed my tablet into my backpack and rushed down to meet him. Dad helped me put my suitcase in the back.
“Be safe, sweetie,” Mom hugged me tight.
“I will.”
“Call every night,” Dad said.
“I will try.”
“Make sure you keep your appointments with Dr. Campbell.”
“I will, Dad,” I answered, getting annoyed.
“Come on, Violet. We’re going to be late,” Cory called.
“It’s a private jet. There is no late,” Dad pointed out.
“Yeah, well, neither is there an end to your mushiness when it comes to your princess,” Cory countered and Evie laughed out of the passenger side of the SUV.
“Dick. My son is a dick,” Dad grumbled, giving me another hug before I climbed into the SUV between the two car seats.
My anxiety kicked up a little when I felt us leaving the pack grounds, and I saw the way Cory’s eyes flickered to me through the rearview mirror.
“We’ve got five SUVs in front of us and three behind us. Each with about eight warriors. We’re going to be fine. I promise.”
I nodded and tried to steady my heart rate back to normal. I distracted myself with Lucas and Leo as they played with their toys. We made it without any issue to the airport and I watched everyone exit. I grabbed one of the twins while two warriors grabbed the baggage. We boarded and took our seats before the rest started climbing up. I looked at Cory when I saw Christopher climbing up. He walked past us, not even looking at me, and I wondered if he was mad at me.
‘Don’t look at me like that. He had already volunteered to help harvest even before we tried to make him your guard,’ Cory mind-linked.
‘He looks mad at me,’ I replied.
‘The man spent most of his life trying to be a good warrior for the pack. I think you hurt his feelings when you declined him the chance to do it.’
‘Babysitting the damaged sister of the alpha isn’t what a good warrior should be doing. I declined him because he is a good warrior. He doesn’t deserve this punishment.’
‘It wasn’ — You’re not damaged, Violet,’ Cory’s voice sounded harsh and angry.
‘I am, and we both know it. I don’t know how long I’ll stay this way. I’m not going to let him be punished because he was the one who found me. He should be rewarded, not stuck caring for a mentally ill woman for years until she’s able to function again.’
“Stop it, Violet,” Cory growled out loud, his aura slipping and forcing everyone around him to bend their necks, including me, though I was trying not to show how weak I’d become and was trying to fight it. “Shit. Sorry guys,” he apologized, bringing it back in.
I grabbed my tablet and busied myself with it, ignoring the way Cory was trying to connect with me again. He could force it, as my alpha, but Cory would never abuse his power like that. In the end, he growled, and tried to stand up to come talk to me, but the fasten your seatbelt sign came on. I could feel his aura leaking through his control, making the warriors twitch uncomfortably when it did until Evie took his hand and slowly calmed him down.
I felt bad, I really did. It was never my intention to make him feel like this, but he needed to face the truth. And the truth was, I would never be the same as I was before everything happened. I might become a functioning adult again at some point, but I would never be the same.