8. Chapter Eight
Chapter Eight
Violet
A fter Bells came for Adam and assured me the threat of rogues was gone, Chris decided to stay with me in the Luna office.
At first it was awkward. I tried to work while he was sitting rigidly on the chair, but it was so distracting. So, then I made him go get a tablet, phone or book— anything. I needed him to relax a little before I ended up with more anxiety than I started.
With his usual grunt, he left the office, only to return with a freaking newspaper and a book of crossword puzzles.
I said nothing and tried to get back to work, but as I heard the sound of the pages of the newspaper flipping, an image of Chris wearing glasses, peppered hair, a cardigan and a pipe flashed into my head and I burst into giggles.
He startled slightly at the sound, and I guess it was pretty weird for me to giggle randomly into the silent room. When he saw me in stitches, he raised an eyebrow in question, only sending me into another fit of giggles.
“I’m sorry,” I tried to say before the giggles overtook me again. “It’s ju-just. You behave like such a grumpy old man, and I just imagined you like one.”
“I’m not an old man,” he grumbled.
“No, but you act like one.”
“I don’t,” he huffed, before picking up the newspaper again.
I tried to smother the giggles, but they came out as smothered snorts instead. He put the newspaper down and stared at me with an annoyed look on his face. It was a change from his usual stoic face or tight smile, but his grumpy look only confirmed my assessment and fueled my laughter.
“Why is this so funny to you?” he asked, a genuine smile finally gracing his lips as he watched me lose my shit. He was probably just grateful that it wasn’t a panic attack for once.
“You’re just so serious all the time. I’ve never seen you crack a joke or laugh loudly. You’re this grumpy old man in the body of a twenty-five-year-old.”
“I make jokes,” he mumbled, his smile replaced by a frown.
“Make one now,” I challenged.
He gave me another annoyed look, and I giggled.
“I can’t just make one up on command,” he said, a bit of indignity to his voice, as if I was treating him like a dancing monkey, expecting him to perform.
“Point and match,” I teased.
He gave me a look of incredulity, then decided he was done with my shenanigans and buried his nose in the newspaper. I swallowed the giggle in my throat and turned back to my work, but stopped when I saw Nenetl sitting in the back of my head, watching everything with interest and wagging her tail softly. I was tempted to reach out, but I didn’t want to scare her, so I went back to work.
A few hours later, a notification on Chris’ phone told me it was lunch time. I looked up to see he’d moved on from reading the newspaper to working on his book of crossword puzzles. He placed the pen inside the book and closed it before standing.
“I’ll grab our lunch. Lock the door behind me,” he ordered.
I nodded and locked the door after he left, pacing until I heard his heavy footsteps approaching. I opened the door, and he stopped with his hand raised to knock. I moved away so he could enter, but I didn’t expect him to look so angry when he turned around.
“Don’t answer the door until I make myself known. What if it was someone attacking?” he growled.
I took a step back, not out of fear, but out of surprise. This was probably the most emotion I’d seen out of the man. At my step, he stopped, and his shoulders slumped as he mistook it for fear.
“I’m sorry. I—You’re my responsibility, and there was an attack today. I need you to stay safe.”
“I know your footsteps now. I could hear you coming down the hall,” I explained.
“What if someone has the same step I do?” he asked. I raised an eyebrow, and he slumped a little more. “Sorry,” he mumbled.
“What’s for lunch?” I asked instead.
“Chicken burgers and homemade fries,” he answered, sitting down by the desk.
I walked around to the other side and grabbed the plate with one burger on it instead of two. We ate in comfortable silence for a while before something popped into my head.
“When was the last time you went to train?” I asked him.
“What?”
“You used to train all the time, didn’t you?” I asked, when he nodded, I asked again. “Have you trained since you left Crescent Moon?”
“No,” he shrugged.
“Don’t you want to anymore?”
“Training isn’t part of my assignment,” he grunted, taking a bite of his second burger.
“Doesn’t your wolf need to run?”
“He’s fine.” I shook my head.
“If you need to train and run, I can stay locked in here or my room for a while.”
“I’ll be fine, Violet. I took a look at the training and it’s basic stuff. I won’t learn anything from it.”
“What about working out or letting your wolf... what’s your wolf’s name by the way?”
“Titan,”
“Doesn’t Titan miss running?”
“I guess. He doesn’t talk much anymore,” he shrugged.
“Why?”
Instead of answering, he took another bite of his burger and I took that as a ’mind-your-business’ answer.
“Why don’t you take a patrol shift once or twice a week. That way you can feel useful and you can let Titan out.”
“Patrolling wasn’t my assignment,”
“No, but you can’t babysit me twenty-four seven. It’s not healthy for you or your wolf.”
“I’m fine. I read before bed.”
“But—”
Chris sighed and I stopped, feeling bad about badgering him about it, but I hadn’t been able to shift for the last year, and I missed it. I didn’t want to be responsible for him and his wolf missing out.
“I’m here for one reason, Violet. I don’t need to go on patrol to feel useful. Keeping you safe makes me feel useful. My wolf is fine. If he needs a run, he can tell me himself and we’ll work it out.”
“Okay.” I ceded.
We continued eating and once I was finished with my fries, and worked until dinner. Bells brought us dinner upstairs, and I noticed the look on her face. It wasn’t a happy one.
‘Can you give us a few minutes?’ I asked him.
“I’m going to change,” he said, standing up.
“What’s going on, Bells?” I asked when Chris was out of the room, patting my bed.
She slumped and walked over to me, sitting down with a sigh.
“I think I fucked up and I don’t know how to fix it.”
“What happened?”
“I lashed out at Cade, and now he can barely looked at me,” she answered, slumping even further.
“Did he deserve it?”
“No. I mean, I was finally... maybe... going to get some answers, but he ran in, thinking he was protecting me, and scared off the rogues.”
“And you yelled at him,” I said, knowing my sister.
She wasn’t the most patient woman. She nodded, shame filling her face.
“He’s barely looked at me all day.”
“Then, apologize. I know it’s hard for you, Bells, but Cade is your friend and you’re two alphas in charge of two packs that are currently co-existing. You can’t really be fighting.”
“I’m not an alpha,” she said and I shook my head.
“You may not have the title, but you have alpha blood and the power. You’re also leading your pack right now. There are a lot of women that look to you for leadership. They will follow your example and treat the other pack with some reluctance. You’ve got a full moon coming up with a lot of unmated wolves and a lot of women that need second-chance mates.”
You included, I wanted to add, but refrained.
You too, Nenetl reminded me and my mouth hung open.
“What’s wrong, Violet?” Bells asked.
“I-I think Nenetl just spoke to me.”
“Really? That’s amazing!”
“I—Maybe I imagined it,” I said, seeing Nenetl back in her usual curled-up position.
“I’m sure you didn’t. She just needs time. Coyo has started speaking up more, too. This is good, Violet,” she insisted, grabbing my hand and squeezing it hard. We stared at each other for a moment, and I realized we were just two broken sisters trying to dig ourselves out of similar holes.
“I’m going to go find Adam. I left him in the shower.”
“Make sure you apologize!” I called out after her.
‘You can come back,’ I mind-linked Chris, and he was in the room a few moments later with a different shirt on.
“You didn’t actually have to change you know?”
“What if she called me back in?” he countered, and I swallowed the smile knowing he was looking very uncomfortable at the thought of being caught in a lie by Bells.
I passed him his plate, and we ate in silence for a while before I prodded, “Why do you like doing crossword puzzles?”
“I don’t,” he answered.
“But you spent all day doing them?” I asked incredulously.
“It’s supposed to keep your mind sharp.”
His answer left me speechless.
“Do you do anything for fun?” I asked.
Why was he always so serious?
“Of course, I do.”
“What?” I challenged.
“I work out.”
“That’s barely for fun. It’s work-related. What else?”
“I read.”
“The newspaper?” I asked, narrowing my eyes when he turned away.
“I have books, too.”
“What genre.”
“That’s rude to ask.”
“How so? I read a lot, too, maybe we read the same stuff and we can swap books?”
“Ehh... crime novels, fantasy, ro—mystery novels,” he answered.
“What else?”
“I—I don’t know. Do I need more stuff?”
“No, I guess not. I was just curious.”
We ate in silence again for a while before he spoke.
“Well?”
“Well, what?”
“What do you do for fun?”
“Oh...ummm... I have panic attacks, read books, draw—”
“What do you draw?” he asked, ignoring the first part of my smart ass answer.
“It’s mostly anime stuff on my tablet.”
“Can I see some?”
I put my plate down and grabbed my tablet from the nightstand drawer. I flipped through until I found some and then I passed over the tablet.
“Just... don’t scroll forward. Only backward,” I instructed.
Chris grunted, and I breathed a sigh of relief when he went away from the newer drawings. Those were not anime and they were not pretty to look at. I just couldn’t bring myself to delete them for some reason.
“These are good. Do you watch anime?”
“I used to, before—” I stopped and turned away.
“Have you thought about commissioning some?”
“They aren’t that good,” I told him and he shrugged, handing back the tablet.
“I disagree. I know a few warriors who would pay good money for some of those.”
“Not from me.” I shook my head in denial.
“Why not?”
“They aren’t that good. I‘m still learning.”
Chris grunted and dropped the subject, but it was like I could feel his brooding increase, if that was even possible. I didn’t push more conversation, too lost in my own thoughts.
Could I sell some of them? They weren’t the greatest. I’ve seen some incredible anime commissions at conventions, but maybe if I started small? I would hate to waste all the years of education if I never made it back to school.
“ W ake up! Violet, wake up. It’s just a dream,” I heard a voice shouting at me.
I felt hands all over my body and heard someone screaming bloody murder as I woke up. It took me a moment to recognize the scream was coming from me, and only one pair of hands was on me.
“It’s just a dream,” Chris’ voice brought me all the way out of my dream.
I sat up, looking around the dark room, orientating myself. I was not in my room. I was in Redmon Moon. I was here helping Bells. I was safe. I looked up at Chris. His eyes looked a little wild and there was a big scratch on his cheek, drops of blood beaded from the wound, though they were already closed.
“I did that,” I whispered, shame crashing over me. I hurt the one person that made me feel safe.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
“I-I hurt you. I’m so sorry.” I told him and began to sob.
“Hey. No. Come on. I’m okay. It was a scratch. You were defending yourself. It’s something to be proud of.”
A bubble of hysterical laughter left my throat. It got lodged in my throat as a sob collided with it and I started coughing— choking. he pulled me up to a sitting position, using his big hand to pat my back.
“You think it’s okay to hurt you?” I asked when I calmed down.
“You tried to protect yourself from an attacker. That’s always something to be proud of.”
“Except, I hurt the only person that can protect me here.”
“You can protect yourself. You have a shield and you have a wolf,” He said, finally sitting down on the bed next to me.
“My shield hasn’t worked since that night, and Nenetl can’t shift anymore,” I told him quietly.
No one knew. There hadn’t been any opportunity where I was comfortable to do either thing in public or in a situation where it was required, but I tried.
My shield stuttered and failed anytime I tried to bring it forth, and when I tried to shift, Nenetl passed out. My claws had been the only part of my body that shifted. I’d tried a few times since then, but the most I was able to do was shift my snout. Each time, Nenetl passed out and slept for days. Outside of having my enhanced senses, healing half as fast as I used to, and still seeing Nenetl in the back of my head, I may as well be human.
“Your power is connected to your wolf?” He asked.
“No.”
“But it hasn’t worked since...”
“Since it failed the day of the mall.”
“It didn’t fail.”
“But it wasn’t enough.”
“So, it’s a mental block,” he mentioned. I nodded. That’s what Dr. Campbell said anyway. “And Nenetl can’t or won’t shift?”
I shrugged.
"I don’t know. She doesn’t talk to me.”
“At all?”
“She said a couple of words a few days ago. Dr. Campbell said she’s dealing with her own trauma.”
“That’s good, then. It means she’s getting stronger.”
“Maybe.”
We sat in silence for a while. I always used to hate silence, but it was comfortable to just sit here with him.
“Do you want to learn to fight?” he asked into the silence.
“What?”
“I can teach you to fight. You don’t feel safe because you couldn’t defend yourself.”
“Look at me, Chris. Do I look like a fighter?”
“Anyone can be a fighter, Violet.”
He stood up and walked back toward the connecting door. It was the first time I noticed he was only wearing a pair of pajama pants.
“A tiny fighter, but you would be a fighter, anyway,” he added at the door.
“Was that a joke? Did you just take a shot at me?” I asked, smiling despite myself.
“I don’t know what you mean. I don’t make jokes, remember?”
I couldn’t see him smiling, but I caught the whiteness of his teeth before he turned around.
“Good night, Violet,” he said, leaving the doors open a crack.
I managed to fall back asleep after a while, but still woke up very early after another nightmare. I listened carefully, but I couldn’t hear any movement from Chris’ room and I let out a sigh of relief.
I debated what to do. I could go down to the Luna office and get started with all the paperwork, but that meant I needed to find my way down by myself. The pack house was full to the brim right now. While it was only four-thirty in the morning, I wasn’t willing to risk it. Sighing at my own weakness, I got up and showered, closing and locking the door to Chris’ room, but not before I caught a glimpse of the man sleeping. It was a strange sight, to see him in such a vulnerable and relaxed position. His face looked serene instead of rigid and he was hugging a pillow.
What would it feel like to be hugged like that? I wondered, then shook my head. My mate was dead; that wasn’t in the cards for me. I was feeling a lot better after the shower, so I re-opened the door to Chris’ room and turned the TV on in my room. I flipped through the channels, and I couldn’t find anything good to watch. I mean what did I expect at four-thirty in the morning?
I finally set the TV on a cartoon channel, grabbed my tablet, and started drawing. It was just doodling at first, but after a little while, an image came to mind, and I started on a new page. Most of it was done by the time Chris woke up at six. I heard him shuffling into the bathroom before he knocked on my door after he was done.
“Have you been awake all night?” he asked, frowning as he saw me already dressed and wide awake on my bed, the TV on and the tablet on my lap.
“No, I woke up a little while ago, but I didn’t want to go down to the office by myself.”
“You could have just woken me up.”
“I did that once already. I thought it might be better to leave it to one a night.”
“That’s—”
“I drew something while you were sleeping. I thought you might like it. I can print it off at the office.” Chris walks over to me and his jaw dropped in disbelief, making me giggle a little at his reaction. “Don’t you like it?”
“You said you weren’t awake all night.”
“I wasn’t. I woke up at four and took a shower.”
“You did this in an hour and a half?”
“Well, I mean it still needs to be colored better, but—”
“You’re insanely talented,” he interrupted, making a warmth bloom in my chest at the compliment.
“So you like it?”
“I—I mean, it’s an old man and it’s got incredible detail. It looks great, Violet.”
“You don’t recognize him?”
“No. Should I? Is he a pack member?” He squinted at it for a moment, then hummed. “It kind of looks like my dad.”
“It’s you,” I told him.
"That’s not me.”
“It’s what I was picturing yesterday when I said you were a grumpy old man.” Chris looked back down at the drawing, speechless and I wondered if he was offended by it.
“You could have drawn anything and you chose to draw me as an old man?”
“When inspiration hits,” I answered, shrugging.
“Can you send this to me?” he asked.
“You like it?”
He grunted in response, handing me the tablet. “Let’s get downstairs and I’ll grab us breakfast.”
“Wait, I need your email,” I said.
After I sent him the image, we started heading down to the office.
Cade’s room opened and he almost bumped into me. I backed away, and he grabbed me by the shoulders instinctively. His eyes widened as he realized what he’d done and he let me go, backing away when Chris growled and placed himself between us.
“Shit, Violet. I’m sorry. I didn’t see you. I didn’t mean to touch you,” Cade apologized.
“It’s okay,” I said. Cade wasn’t making me panic, so I grabbed Chris’ arm and moved to his side. “I trust you. My wolf and I didn’t panic.”
It’s never happened that quickly, only with family and Chris. Maybe I was getting better, or maybe we always saw him as family.
“Really?” Cade looked excited, came over and hugged me.
“Still not overly touchy-feely,” I said awkwardly.
“Right. Sorry. I’m just excited,” he said, backing up.
I giggled and Chris relaxed next to me by a tiny fraction. We walked down the stairs together. Chris was in front of me as usual, with Cade coming up behind. As we approach the spot where we were to part ways, a woman came bounding up to us. I took a step back, panic rising at her approach. Seeing my panic, Chris stepped in front of me protectively, and I saw the woman stop when she heard his growl.
“Ada, what do you need?” Cade asked, coming around us.
His tone sounded harsh and clipped. It was clear he didn’t like her and that just made the panic mount. Chris took a step back, close enough for me to grab onto the back of his shirt. It helped my panic ebb a little.
“I was wondering if you’d sit with me for breakfast, Alpha,” Ada answered, her sugary sweet voice making me want to gag. She glared at me as if she could hear what I was thinking, making me tense before adding, “You haven’t spent any time with the pack since we arrived.”
“We’re all working, Ada.”
“Of course, Alpha. I just miss you.”
“I’m having breakfast with Violet and Chris. Thanks for the offer, though,”
“But—”
“I said no, Ada. I’ve told you once already. Don’t make me tell you again.”
The woman glared at me again, spun and left, leaving an apologetic Cade staring the way she left, shaking his head.
“Sorry, Violet. Why don’t you and Chris go to your office and I’ll bring the plates?”
“I can grab them, Alpha Cade,” Chris volunteered.
“I’ve got it Chris, and just call me Cade.”
We walked to the office. Chris left the door open, but stayed standing in front of it. I heard footsteps, and judging by the way Chris didn’t tense, I figured it was Cade, however before Cade could get here, I heard my sister’s voice.
“Cade, can we talk?”
“Sorry, Luna Bellarose, I’ve been invited for breakfast.”
“Wha—”
Chris moved from the door and Cade walked in with a platter of food.
“Here we go. Chris, I hope I brought enough food for ya, big guy.”
“Violet?” Bells poked her head inside in confusion.
“It’s okay, Bells. We’re the witness protection program,” I said, making Cade blush and chuckle.
“O-okay,” she answered, unsure of what was happening. She shook her head, and looked over at Cade. “Can I grab you for a few minutes sometime today, Alpha Cade?”
“As you wish.”
My sister left after sighing her displeasure. Chris closed the door behind her, and then there was an awkward silence in the room for a moment.
I couldn’t stand it, so I asked, “So Ada wants in your pants and you don’t know how to tell her no?”
Cade threw his head back and laughed at my crude words. “I’ve told her. She doesn’t seem to get the clue that I won’t take her as my luna, and I’m tired of repeating the same conversation with her.”
“Why don’t you have a luna yet?” I asked. “Sorry, that’s a personal question, but don’t most alphas take a chosen mate if they’re over thirty?”
It was an unofficial rule of the council. Any alpha over thirty who hadn’t found his mate must choose a luna before their wolves went feral.
“Ah. It’s the only time I’ve been happy not to have been born an alpha. My wolf is strong, and became stronger once I took over the alpha title from Dad, but the fact he wasn’t born one makes him more stable than your normal alpha wolf. The council’s given me until thirty-five to find my mate or choose a luna.”
“You’re what, thirty-two, now?”
“Yep.”
“Have you looked?”
“Violet, I’ve looked under every damn stone. She doesn’t exist and if she does, she’s in another continent.”
“So you’re going to choose?”
Cade deflated and looked so defeated that my heart went out to him.
“I don’t want to. I have three years to figure it out. Won’t be Ada, though. I can guarantee that. The woman doesn’t care about me, she just wants to be luna,” Cade answered, wincing.
“There’s one in every pack. Dad and Cory both went through it,” I mentioned. Cade nodded and sat, and that was when I noticed Chris had stopped moving in his seat by the table.
‘Are you okay?’ I asked.
His eyes flickered to me then to Cade, but he didn’t answer and I saw the panic I usually see reflected on my face in the mirror. Cade hadn’t noticed yet, so I took a bite of my food and changed the subject. By the time Cade left with the empty plates, Chris was back to his broody self.
“What happened?”
“I don’t know what you mean.”
“Come on Chris. I saw your face.”
“I’m fine Violet. Don’t worry about me.”
“But I—”
“I said I was fine,” he said a little shortly, effectively shutting me up.
I couldn’t help but feel hurt. This man had seen me in the most vulnerable moments of my life but he wouldn’t open up to me.
“Okay,” I said curtly, and turned back to my computer.
I tried to work, but after a few minutes of seething quietly, I turned back to Chris. “Why don’t you go for a run? Let your wolf out, I’ll be okay by myself.”
“That’s not necessary.”
“No. I think it is. I would like to be alone right now.”
“I’ll wait out—”
“Go for a run, Chris.”
“I’m trying to do my j—”
“And as your employer, I’m ordering you to go for a run.”
“You’re not my employer. You’re my job,” he snapped back.
“You’re job is to keep me comfortable and feeling safe. I would like to feel comfortable. Please, leave. Come back after lunch.”
“I d—”
“Don’t really care. I’m telling you what I need. Please, respect it.”
His jaw ticked, but he left without another word. I slumped in my seat when I saw the door click shut, immediately regretting my decision and my outburst. I wasn’t entirely sure why it hurt so much to know he didn’t trust me back. Chris was always a private man. Even as kids, he never really shared anything and it never phased me. Why did it hurt so much now?
I got up and opened the door to check if Chris left as I asked. I was almost disappointed to see that he’d listened and wasn’t waiting in the hallway.
Suddenly, a man walked across the entrance to the hallway and I quickly closed the door and secured the internal lock, my heart racing when his eyes made eye contact with mine.
I spent the morning pacing the luna office. Every sound made me jump and I wanted to call Chris back so badly, but the pride I thought was non-existent by now wouldn’t let me. In my head, Nenetl kept whimpering at the thoughts running through my mind. I could feel guilt and sadness flowing from her, and it was overwhelming me.
Stop. Stop. Please just stop! It wasn’t your fault. None of this is your fault! I miss you. Stop punishing yourself. Stop punishing me! I begged her.
My cries only seemed to increase her whimpers until she was howling. The sound was too much, and I covered my ears with my hands, dropping to my knees.
It was like the dam had broken. My wolf was the one having a meltdown now, and I had no way to stop it. No way to comfort her because her meltdown was fueling mine.
There was pounding on the door, but I could barely hear it over the sound of Nenetl howling. I rocked back and forth, begging my wolf to stop. Telling her it wasn’t her fault, but it was like she wasn’t listening.
Something crashed through the window, and I scuttled to the wall when I saw a dark brown wolf snarling around the room. Whatever he was looking for, he didn’t find and then he turned his sights on me. I whimpered, and the wolf returned the whimper. he took a step toward me, and I stared at his brown eyes, wondering if he was going to attack. I should be terrified, but I wasn’t, because I suddenly recognized those brown eyes. Nenetl stopped howling and she watched the wolf in front of me with interest. She wanted to see what he would do.
“Titan?” My voice quivered as I said his name and the wolf whimpered again.
Somewhere deep inside, I knew he was upset that I was afraid of him. Nenetl was calm now, following my thoughts and she encouraged me to lift my hand.
Titan took two more steps until he placed his head under my hand tentatively. When I started petting his head, the big wolf curled itself around me and lay his head on my thigh.
‘I-I can’t get control back,’ Chris’ voice was uncertain.
I didn’t answer him. I just kept petting the wolf’s head. I thought he was just feeling grateful I kept asking Chris to let him run for a bit and this was his way of showing it.
“Violet, are you okay in there? People heard noises,” Bells’ voice floated through the door.
“I’m fine.”
“Can you let me in? I’m worried.”
“Bells, I just want to be alone for a bit. Is that okay?”
“Okay.”
“You’ll need a new window, though.” I thought I’d mention before she left.
Bells was quiet for a few moments and I wondered if she had already left.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” she finally asked.
“I’m sure.”
“Let me know when you’re out of the office and I’ll have someone fix it.”
“Will do. Thanks, Bells.”
Titan didn’t move from where he was, and I was okay with that. I felt as safe with Titan as I felt with his human counterpart and he was good for Nenetl. She wasn’t howling anymore. She wasn’t speaking, but I was used to that. It was enough that he’d broken through her panic attack.
‘He’s going to give me back control. Do you want me to leave again?’ Chris asked after a while.
‘No. It’s okay. I want to go back to my room. I’m tired.’
‘Okay.’
I stood to grab the tear-away clothes Bells kept in her bottom drawer, when I felt Titan’s snout hit the back of my shoulder.
“What’s wrong?” I asked him.
Titan rubbed his body against my hand, then bones began to crack. I turned around, and grabbed the tear-away clothes and placed them on the desk, leaving my back to him. Chris’ hand reached for them and, when I was sure he was wearing them, I turned around again.
“I’d like to go to my room please,” I told him quietly.
Chris nodded, and unlocked the door. He looked to make sure there was no one nearby. He nodded at me again so I followed behind him. Once we were back in my room, I texted Bells to let her know I was done for the day.
He stood inside my room after closing the door behind me, unsure of what to do. I didn’t know what to say, either. I thought about apologizing when he beat me to it and began to speak.
“I’d like to explain,” he started.
“It’s okay. You don’t owe me an explanation.”
“You trust me. It’s only fair I do the same.”
I sat down on my bed and watched him pace a bit.
“I told you Titan doesn’t talk much,” he started, when I nodded, he continued, “I found my mate two years ago.”
My heart sank. If he wasn’t marked and his wolf was quiet, it had to mean she passed away.
“I’m sorry. How did it happen?” I asked.
He looked at me and cocked his head, “How did what happen?”
“How did she die?”
His eyes widened and then he shook his head.
“She didn’t die—well, she’s dead now, but we weren’t mates when she died.”
It was my turn to be confused. When he noticed my confusion, he walked over and sat down at the other end of the bed.
“When I met her, she told me she needed time. She wanted to get to know me before she accepted me. She strung me along for a year, asking for things. Expensive dinners, expensive stuff. I gave it all to her, until I found out she was just using me. She never had any intention of accepting me. The entire time, she wanted someone else.”
“She rejected you,” I whispered, but Chris shook his head again.
“I rejected her when I found out what she did. Titan didn’t speak to me for a long time. He wanted us to keep trying. He said if we’d kept trying, she might’ve loved us eventually.”
“You didn’t think so?”
“When I found out she was accusing Luna Evie of witchcraft because Alpha Cory was mated to her, I knew there was no hope. Tracy wanted to be luna. She would never be happy with me. With us. I convinced Luna Celeste to let me go down to the dungeons, and I rejected her.”
“You said she died. I thought she was banished.”
“She left the pack. I think she was headed to Cali to her sister’s pack. It was the last family she had left. Luna Celeste said she was taken by Nickolas when she left. She died in the attack when we tried to rescue everyone.”
I paled. I never asked about what happened to anyone that night. After I was told Tori died, I had a mental breakdown and no one ever brought it up again. I never asked, I didn’t want to know the cost of that night. Tori’s life was already a high price.
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. It was... it happened how it needed to. I wasn’t what she wanted and, from what I’m told, she did the right thing at the end, so I’m sure the Moon Goddess will give her a better mate in her next life.”
“I—” I wanted to tell him there was no better mate, but he continued before I could.
“When you were talking about Ada, I couldn’t h—”
“You thought I knew about Traci. You panicked, thinking I would tell Cade when I mentioned it happened to him,” I finished for him.
“I didn’t know if you knew or not. When you asked me what happened, I figured out you didn’t and I didn’t want to tell you.” Chris looked away. “I didn’t want you to know I wasn’t good enough for my mate. That the person that was made for me didn’t trust me to protect her. I thought you would send me away.” He snorted. “You sent me away anyway.”
“Chris... I—You didn’t—You’ve seen the worst of me. I told you things I haven’t even told my therapist. I was just hurt that you didn’t trust me enough to tell me what was bothering you. It was irrational. You don’t owe me anything.”
“I trust you. I am just... bad at talking.”
The way he said this as if it was new information to anyone who knew him made me snort, and his eyebrows furrowed at the noise.
“You grunt half of your responses, Chris. The whole world knows you’re bad at talking,” I explained.
Chris’ cheeks became stained with pink and he grunted, making me laugh and his blush deepen. I felt the need to give him a boon, so I took a deep breath and willed myself to tell him.
“Full disclosure?” I started. Chris stayed quiet, letting me continue. “I lost my mate, too.”
“H-What?”
“During the Blue Moon massacre last year. I met him minutes before he was killed. It’s one of the reasons why Nenetl became so weak after we were raped. She was already weak, and that was the proverbial nail in the coffin. Dr. Campbell said I was lucky she was alive at all.”
“What happened?”
“I tol—”
“In the office,” he interrupted and, in part, I was thankful not to have to recount how Billy died.
“Oh, I was nervous after you left, and Nenetl started howling and wouldn’t stop. I wanted to reach out but couldn’t bring myself to look even weaker in your eyes, especially when I thought you didn’t trust me. I think she was having a breakdown. I think in part she needed it. I’m sorry, though. I didn’t mean to scare you.”
“No, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have been so rude.”
“I shouldn’t have reacted the way I did. You have a right to your privacy, but thank you for telling me.” Trying to lighten the mood, I added, “Hey, the full moon is only like two weeks away, and there are a lot of women here who need second-chance mates.”
“Second-chance mates are rare, Violet. They’re for alphas and ranked members mostly. So their wolves don’t go feral. You have a higher chance of getting one than I do,” Chris pointed out.
“No one is going to want a damaged woman for a mate.”
“You’re not damaged, Violet.”
“We’ll agree to disagree. Now, I think I need a nap.”
As if proving my point, I let out a big yawn.
“Do you want me to wake you up for dinner?”
“Sure. You should take a nap too.”
“I think I’ll let Titan out for a while. He clearly needed it if he forced the shift to get to you.”
“I thought you were out running already?”
Chris blushed and shuffled a little uncomfortably.
“I-I was, uh, standing around the corner of the hall.”
“The whole time?”
“I wanted to make sure you were safe.”
“You take your job way too seriously,” I told him, warmth spreading over my chest at his words nonetheless.
“You deserve to be safe, Violet. Have a good nap.”