23. Chapter Twenty-Three
Chapter Twenty-Three
Chris
T he shrill sound of Violet’s alarm reached me at my post in front of her door. I shook the sleep from my head, stood up as quietly as possible and went into my room. I changed silently, using the light on my phone to light the closet, and then sat on my bed, waiting to hear Violet leave her room.
I felt like a stalker, but I couldn’t help it. Both Titan and I felt the strong need to protect her, watch her and ensure nothing bad touched her ever again.
Nothing bad’s happened to her except for what you did, Titan reproached. He was still mad at me, and I didn’t blame him.
I was mad at myself, too. I broke the unshakeable trust she and Alpha Cory placed in me, and allowed myself to get involved with her, knowing it would never work. I knew from the beginning that it wouldn’t last. Violet wasn’t my second-chance mate. I’d run inside to find her mere moments after the moon peaked to check and felt nothing. The Goddess didn’t think me worthy of a woman like her.
I understood why, though it didn’t hurt any less.
Violet was an incredible woman. She was so much stronger than she gave herself credit for. I was there the night we rescued her. I was the first person inside that room, and I saw what that man was doing to her before I ripped his throat out for putting his hands on her.
And, here she was, still standing strong, working every damn day to get better. She was fighting her demons harder than I’d ever had to fight anything in my life. I still cursed myself for not making it into her room sooner, though I knew that wouldn’t have changed much for her. By the time we got there, she’d already been through so much trauma.
I also knew all about her imprinting on me when I pulled the man off her and made her feel safe. Alpha Cory and Dr. Campbell explained it when we returned to the pack house. They asked me to stay away from her a month into guarding her, for her own well-being.
When they approached me to guard her this time, I voiced my concerns about it, and they assured me it wasn’t the case anymore. But, what if they were wrong? What if the only reason she wanted me now was because the imprinting was coming back? We were almost alone here, spending every waking moment together. I couldn’t take advantage of her like that.
Violet was Luna Celeste’s daughter. She was literally related to gods. I had no doubt the Moon Goddess would give her the second-chance mate she more than deserved.
I knew all of this. I repeated it like a mantra every morning, but still, I couldn’t help but fall in love with her. It was hard not to when you witnessed a woman like Violet pulling herself from the ashes, stronger than before.
I did my best to keep things professional, but I was spending every waking moment with her, watching her struggle and succeed in dealing with her fears. She allowed me to share and witness her most vulnerable moments and triumphs. She took comfort in me as she tried to put the pieces of herself and her heart back together, unaware she had stolen mine in the process.
The day we came back from the ER was when everything went wrong. My heart was already feeling so raw, seeing her at the bottom of the steps, bleeding from her injuries and with Elim hovering over her.
So many thoughts went through me as I ran down the stairs to her. My heart was in my throat until I was close enough to hear the steady beating of her heart, letting me know she was still on this earth. As much as I tried to fight my feelings for her when she asked me to kiss her later, I was too weak to fight it. I was too weak to deny her anything she asked of me.
But, I also had to think about what was best for her— and for me. Luna Bellarose’s mother-in-law only told me what I already knew, and what other people were going to say when they learned of what happened between us. Eventually, Violet would see it, too, or worse, find her second chance mate after I was too far gone to survive the heartbreak. I couldn’t get more attached. Seeing her walk away from me would destroy me.
I barely survived the year of Traci stringing me along, and I didn’t even fall in love with her. It hurt, to know the woman who was supposed to complete me didn’t want me. It hurt to think I wasn’t enough, but I saw it in her eyes from the first moment we discovered we were mates, and a part of me always knew it would end the way it did.
My fear increased when she asked me to keep it to myself so that people wouldn’t put pressure on her. She said she wanted to get to know me, but aside from showing up in the middle of the night to soothe the incomplete bond, or to ask for things, she avoided my company.
I could see that, but Titan held out hope, and I tried to hang onto it myself. She was the woman the Moon Goddess determined was my better half. The one who made me better. Fated mates were sacred. Surely, I wouldn’t get the one that didn’t care, the one able to resist the pull.
But I did, and it left me wondering what was so wrong with me that made it easy for her to do that. If she found me lacking, what hope could I have that Violet wouldn’t eventually see that?
Violet deserved someone better, and I needed to allow her the time to find that person now that she was getting better.
And I needed the distance to protect my heart.
Except the distance was killing me.
For almost two weeks I had a glimpse of how wonderful things could have been for me as Violet’s man, and letting it go stole the breath from my lungs and seized my heart. When Luna Bellarose told me to stay away, I thought it might be better that way. I kept telling myself we weren’t together long enough to affect Violet, and I could suck it up for her sake.
But instead, I was dying.
I could hear her crying some days. I could hear her struggling with her nightmares and sobbing through the night, and it killed me not to be able to hold her and make her fears disappear. It was killing Titan, too, and my already fragile relationship with him. He whimpered and snarled at me whenever we heard it.
It was killing us not to see her smiling or laughing at my shitty jokes. She was the only one who did. Everyone else got sick of them pretty quickly and told me to stop.
Goddess, I missed her. I missed seeing that look of determination when she did something she was afraid of. I missed the proud look on her face when she managed it, followed by the fierce motivation to do more. I missed her kisses, her laugh, her touch, her kindness, her voice.
I was slowly losing my damn mind.
I followed her everywhere, keeping enough of a distance so no one saw me. I watched her take those first steps into the dining room alone from behind the kitchen door. I watched her walk down to the office by herself. She was getting better and better every day.
She was letting Elim train her, and as much as I hated the thought of the vampire touching her, I was proud she was still keeping up with it. It was killing me to know he was alone with her for so long every night. I knew he was interested in her. I’d seen it from the first day.
There was also another man who joined her for breakfast and lunch now. Alpha Cade’s beta. It made me enormously proud that Violet was allowing more people to get close to her again, while irrationally jealous that he could be a second-chance mate for her. Violet would make an amazing beta female. She had all the qualities for it.
The soft click of her door brought me out of my internal turmoil, and I began counting to twenty. Once I was sure she was going down the stairs, I opened my door a crack, verified she hadn’t turned back to grab something and followed.
I watched her from the corner of the alpha floor as she made her way down the stairs. When I saw her reach the bottom and turn toward the kitchen, where she met Elim every night, I hurried down and hid around the corner of the hallway to the ranked offices and waited.
Violet was sniffling when they exited through the kitchen doors a few minutes later, and Titan was instantly fighting to push forward, urging me to go to her and figure out who hurt her.
My hands fisted at my sides when Elim hugged her, and my already broken heart was pounded to dust when he kissed the side of her mouth, and Violet didn’t pull back. When she looked up at him, and gave him a small smile, I wondered if it was possible to die from heartbreak.
They walked out of the pack house together, and I walked out of my hiding spot and out the same doors. Unlike the other days, though, instead of following them to the training arena and watching her progress from one of the windows, I walked into the woods, found a downed tree and sat on it, my head in my hands.
Titan was howling in my head, snarling at me to go to her and beg her to take us back. Demanding that I make everything right again.
It’s for the best. She’s already moving on, I told Titan as I struggled not to give in to him.
It was hurting like hell, but what I just saw was confirmation that Violet would be fine. She could move on and find someone to make her happy. Elim was a royal. He was someone more worthy of her. We were doing the right thing.
I stayed on that stump for goddess knew how long, fighting Titan for control while trying to keep the tattered pieces of my heart together.
A sudden noise made us stop. A pair of eyes was looking at me from a bush nearby. I let Titan forward enough to use his more enhanced senses. Whatever this thing was, it wasn’t a wolf. It wasn’t a vampire, either. It must be that thing Elim described to Violet a while ago. My arm twitched, preparing for an attack. This thing was supposed to be deadly and fast, though it’d only chosen to eat wildlife so far.
But, that was when I realized there was absolutely no noise within the woods. Had it run out of wildlife already and had chosen me as its next meal?
A sudden thought I hadn’t had in over a year crossed my mind, and I was surprised when Titan didn’t snarl at it like he did the last time it appeared. Instead, he retreated to the back of my mind and blocked me.
I swallowed. Maybe this was his way of letting me know he accepted this was the best way to go. Mom and Dad would think I went down fighting instead of being the coward that I was. They could continue thinking of their son as a proud warrior who fought until his last breath, instead of the weak man who didn’t know what the point of living was anymore.
Making a choice without allowing myself to think it through, I relaxed my arms and spread my legs out, inviting the thing to attack. Peace and regret settled into me. Peace at knowing it would all stop hurting soon, but regret knowing I wouldn’t see Violet continue to triumph over her trauma. I wouldn’t see her smile again.
The thing moved, faster than I thought it would, and collided against my shoulder, sending me to the ground. Blood seeped out from where the claws raked my shoulder, but I paid the pain no mind. I sat back up, not even bothering to look for where the thing went.
Titan suddenly lowered the block and snarled at me, This is not how we go down! Fight!
I’m tired of fighting everything. I’m tired of hurting.
You’re the one hurting yourself. You’re the one fighting yourself. You didn’t fight for her. Violet never made you fight for her. She willingly gave you her heart. You’re the one who gave it up!
Titan started to push forward to take control, but I pushed him back as I felt the demon dog-creature collide with the back of my head. I stumbled forward, landing on my hands and knees, trying to shake the stars that danced before my eyes
I’m not going to let you give up. If you want to die, do it when it won’t make Violet feel responsible for it. She doesn’t need our death added to her trauma, he snarled.
She wouldn’t t—
She brought you out here. She’s the reason you’re still here. She stopped Luna Bellarose from sending you back to Crescent Moon, so you could save face even though you didn’t deserve it. What do you think is going to happen when you turn up dead because she kept you here? he roared at me.
Shit. He was right. I couldn’t do that to Violet. I shook the last of the dizziness and looked up, determined to fight. The demon dog ran toward me again, but before I could do anything, something collided with it. The fight was over before it began. Once the dog saw it was outnumbered, it fled. Leaving me on my hands and feet in front of Elim.
“What the fuck was that?” Elim asked angrily, breathing heavily. “You didn’t even try to fight it!”
I didn’t reply because I didn’t have an answer for him. I couldn’t tell him I wanted it to be over. I stood and shook the dirt from my pants, ignoring the pain in my shoulders and back.
Elim continued to glare at me, and I saw the moment he realized what I was trying to do.
“You came here to die.” He said it so quietly that I almost didn’t catch it.
“Of course, I didn’t. I didn’t see it,” I lied. I couldn’t let this get back to Violet. She didn’t need more of my shit added onto her shoulders.
“Bullshit! I tracked it all the way to you. I watched you stare it down and do nothing. The only thing you didn’t do was ask it to kill you out loud,” Elim seethed. “You don’t fucking deserve her,” he ground out.
“I know,” I answered and walked away, but stopped when I pulled out my phone, and the screen lit up to display the time, showing the picture she drew of me as an old man on my lock screen. I turned around and slammed Elim against the nearest tree. “You fucking left her alone with that thing out here? Where is she? You can’t leave Violet unprotected!” I roared. How could he just leave her alone after everything she’d been through?
“She wasn’t in the mood for training. I escorted her to her room so she could try to get some sleep half an hour ago,” Elim answered, and I let him go, relief washing over me.
“I’m sorry,” I mumbled at him.
“You should be. You’re hurting her.”
I walked away, feeling worse than when the night began. My wounds were healed by the time I got up to my room, though I knew by the way Titan had blocked me again that it was more so Violet wouldn’t see them and worry, than to help me.
I went into the shower, dropping the torn, bloody shirt into the trash can. I stood in my pajama pants in front of the mirror after I was done, asking myself how I let it get to this point.
Where had my life taken such a nosedive? This wasn’t who I was. Maybe I was a grump, as Violet called me, but I never thought I was unhappy with my life. I was privileged. I grew up in a house with two loving parents, stability, and friends. I liked my job, more or less. The only time I ever thought to do what I almost let happen tonight was when I rejected Traci, but even then, it was in passing. The thought came and went so fast, that only Titan’s reaction to it confirmed that it actually happened.
I had been struggling with finding any joy in life over the past year, but I never got depressed enough to consider letting it all end. I thought if I kept pushing, if I became someone, if I was good enough, I could find someone who would love me with or without a mate bond someday.
It was those two weeks, I knew. I allowed the shining light and strength that radiated from Violet to fill me with warmth, and now that it was gone, everything felt dark and cold. Now that I put that light out, I was drowning in the darkness.
I looked over at the closed door to Violet’s room. There was light filtering under the door. She was awake. I could just go in there and beg her to forgive me. I would beg her to give me another chance and let me prove to her that I could keep her safe, that I could make her happy. Because now I knew that she was the only one who could make me happy.
She was my light.
My feet took me to the door and I found my hand wrapping around the doorknob.
It might be locked. If she locked the door to stop me from entering, I knew there was no turning back, and Violet was done with me. But if it wasn’t, maybe there was a chance.
My heart was beating out of my chest. I couldn’t make myself turn the knob. I needed to be stronger before I found out. I released a sigh at the same time as I released the handle.
I needed more time. I would come up with a plan and an explanation, and take my shot her later this week. If she let me explain. I pulled out my laptop, and started going through emails and browsing for a movie to watch. I barely paid attention, my eyes always on the door to the bathroom.
Fuck.
I missed her so much.