Chapter 60
CHAPTER 60
ELIJAH
T ime has stood still. My head and body feel like I’ve been on the fast spin cycle, my thoughts tumbling and churning.
Concern for Lottie, and now Kat, trying to make sense of my life and how I’ve ended up where I am. Wondering what the hell I did to deserve this?
My phone rings, and Gabriel’s name pops up.
“Hey,” I say, connecting the call.
“Elijah, how are you? Caleb is here with me.”
“Hey,” Caleb’s voice comes over the phone. “We just wanted to check in and see how you’re doing?”
What he really means is, he’s called into Gabriel’s office on the way to work, and they’re sitting drinking coffee.
I sigh. I’m tired of telling everyone life is okay when it’s not. I can imagine them staring at each other as the sound comes over the phone.
“Have you spoken to Mum?” Gabriel asks.
My stomach tightens. “No,” I say, more sharply than I probably should.
“No judgement from us. What she and Dad did was wrong. We’ve told her as much. She knows that.”
“I’m not ready to go there yet,” I admit.
Her knowing about Lottie and not telling me.
Part of me understands her logic. It was, after all, the same as mine, but for years, I’ve carried the weight of that knowledge alone and been forced to navigate Darra’s blackmail by myself.
“How’s Lottie doing?” Caleb asks.
“She’s devastated. Blames herself, thinks she’s ruined everyone’s life, however much I tell her the sins of the father, although in this case, her mother. This could have been avoided if Darra was honest with her, with me.”
“Her tenacity makes it hard to believe she isn’t a Frazer. Did you ever get to the bottom of how she disabled her tracker?” he asks before adding. “It shows that environmental factors are as important as biological ones.”
He should know. April was raised in the foster system. Her foster parents have had an enormous impact on her life.
“She bought a cheap signal jammer. I’ll be updating all our trackers shortly,” I say. If I didn’t have scientific proof to the contrary, I would have sworn Lottie was mine.
“Is Pen still with you?” Gabriel asks, and I know he already knows the answer.
He and Pen are close. My little brother used to find every opportunity to spend time with her. Initially, I thought he had a boyhood crush until I realised it was Pen’s brain he was enjoying. She challenged him, made him question what he knew.
“She is. Lottie begged her to stay. She’s been trying to reassure her, this isn’t her fault.”
“How did she take Darra’s revelation?”
I pinch the bridge of my nose.
“We haven’t discussed it.”
“What do you mean? That was quite the bombshell. Surely, she’s had something to say about it.”
I don’t want to admit to my outburst the morning Lottie went missing or that things have not been the same since. I’ve apologised, told her I was angry and out of line, looking for someone to blame, but that’s not an excuse, and I know it. I said some incredibly hurtful things, when all Pen’s ever done is the best for Lottie, for my family, and I threw that in her face.
“Elijah?”
“I fucked up, okay?” I say.
“What the hell did you do now?” Gabriel hisses. His protective streak coming out.
“Lottie told Pen about wanting to find out about her biological father. That she had spoken to Darra, who had shut her down.”
“And she didn’t tell you?” Caleb intercedes.
“No. And I said some things, ” I admit.
“Have you apologised?” Caleb asks.
“Of course I have. It’s just everything is different. I feel like we’re all walking on eggshells, and I just don’t know how to make it right.”
“Pen loves you,” Gabriel says quietly. “If you’ve apologised then she’ll be okay with that. She’s not a teenager. But Elijah, how are you? I mean, really? This is a lot. Maybe, and I say just maybe, Pen and Lottie are all picking up on your confusion, your uncertainty.”
Silence descends as I take in his words.
“I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel,” I admit.
My best friend and my girlfriend duped me into marriage, knowing I loved someone else. Lied to me and my family for years. That same friend moved in with my innocent sister, only to continue screwing my ex-wife. The whole thing is a damn train wreck.
“I don’t know what I want anymore. Everything I’ve spent my life doing, building up, seems tainted.”
“It sounds like you’re having a midlife crisis,” Caleb says.
“I’m not that bloody old.”
“It’s not about age. Something has happened that’s forced you to reevaluate your life. You need to look at what you have, and decide what you want to fight for, what’s worth expending energy on. If Pen is part of that, then fight for her. If she’s not, then you need to let her go,” Caleb says.
“When did you get so wise?”
“You won’t like it, but I’ve been listening to Mum.”
The thought of letting Pen go makes me sick to my stomach. The simple thought of her not being in my life makes my heart ache.
“I can’t let her go,” I admit quietly.
“Then what’s holding you back?” Gabriel asks.
I look around myself. I’m not in the office today. I couldn’t face it.
“Think about what Caleb has said. For the first time, I agree with my twin,” Gabriel says, followed by an ouch .
“We’ll leave you, but remember, we’re only a phone call away.”
“Thank you,” I say as we end the call.
I get up and move to the kitchen. Zach has written me a long letter. I opened it but put it straight in the drawer. I’m not yet ready to forgive or forget, and I’m not sure I ever will be. If it had only been me affected, maybe, but he drew my sister into it. That I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to forgive. Right now, I want to wallow in my anger, in the betrayal. For too many years, I’ve put other people’s feelings first, above my own. Not anymore. He knew about the ruse. He knew I was in love with Pen, yet he kept it to himself.
My doorbell chimes, and I make my way to the door.
“Logan, come in,” I say, stepping back.
“Hey, cousin. It’s good to see you. Caleb and April have a good honeymoon?”
“They did.”
Logan is a Frazer, the eldest son of Dad’s younger brother. He’s a couple of years younger than me, but growing up, we were close, until Darra.
He follows me into the living area.
“Your call was cryptic. To say I’m intrigued is an understatement,” he says, walking deeper into the apartment.
“You kept it to yourself?”
“As requested. What’s with all the cloak and dagger?”
“I want to show you something, and I need you to be honest.”
My hand goes to the back of my neck, rubbing the skin, my stomach churning the same way it would before a swim meet.
“You know me.” He grins. “I’ve made my fortune, being brutally honest.”
I chuckle. It’s the reason I called him. Logan Frazer is renowned for his brutal honesty. His articles in some of the world’s leading magazines and newspapers attest to that. He knows his stuff, and as such is highly respected in his field. It’s why he’s here.
The past week has led to a lot of soul-searching. My brothers are right. Something does need to change. I don’t want my future to look like my past. I don’t want to be a corporate slave, I want to explore other possibilities, and this is the first step.
“Lead the way,” Logan says.
We climb the stairs, butterflies roll in my stomach, and my mouth goes dry as we reach my studio door.
“Discretion.”
He raises an eyebrow as if I need to state the obvious.
“Okay,” I say, closing my eyes and pushing open the door to allow him to enter.