Chapter 27
The rain continued to fall between them, heavy and relentless, but Alexander barely felt the cold anymore.
All he could see was Eleanor. Not the duchess who society had expected him to protect because of her title and position, not the wife he had convinced himself he had given a secure future, just Eleanor.
He saw the woman who had looked at him with patience when he had given her silence in return, who had brought color back into a home he had allowed to become lifeless. She had loved him quietly while he had spent every day convincing himself that wanting her was a weakness.
He had never truly allowed himself to see how much she had sacrificed until that exact moment. His voice was rough from the storm, but he forced himself to continue.
“I do not expect forgiveness.”
She looked at him silently.
“I know that whatever I say tonight cannot erase what I have done. I know I have hurt you.”
Her expression shifted slightly, but she did not interrupt. Alexander took a breath.
“I spent years believing that the only way to survive was to feel less. The war taught me that everything could be taken from me without warning. People I cared for disappeared in moments. Men I had laughed with one day were gone the next. When I returned, everyone expected me to be grateful to have survived myself, and to move forward. I was expected to take up my responsibilities and become the man my father had always wanted me to be.”
The rain ran down his face, but he made no attempt to wipe it away.
“I thought if I kept control of everything, I could prevent losing anything else, but then you arrived. You came into my home and changed everything without asking for anything in return. You cared about people I had overlooked. You saw things I had stopped noticing. You brought life into rooms I had forgotten could feel warm.”
He looked toward the inn for a moment before returning his attention to her.
“And I was afraid. I was afraid because I realized I cared.”
Eleanor’s breath caught. Alexander continued before he could lose the courage.
“I had spent so long convincing myself that attachment only led to pain, and that needing someone meant giving them the power to destroy you. Then you appeared, and suddenly I found myself looking for you when you were not there. I found myself wanting to tell you things. Wanting to hear your thoughts. Wanting…”
He stopped. The word remained between them.
“Wanting you. And instead of accepting that, I fought against it.”
Eleanor looked down, her fingers curling around the wet fabric of her cloak.
“Alexander, I—”
“I thought distance would protect us both,” Alexander admitted as he gave a quiet, broken laugh.
“It did nothing of the sort, of course. I told myself I was being honorable by giving you freedom. I decided that I was allowing you the chance to build a life without forcing my feelings upon you, but the truth is that I was hiding. I was hiding behind the notion of duty because it was easier than admitting that I wanted something I could not control.”
Eleanor looked at him again.
“Then why did you not tell me? I would have listened. I would have told you that you were wrong.”
“I saw your history with Julian. I saw the way you struggled after we were wed, and instead of asking you what you felt, I decided I already knew.”
His voice became softer.
“I believed everyone else before I believed you. I allowed myself to believe that you were unhappy because of me. I convinced myself that I had trapped you here, and when people around me agreed, there was little that I could do. Even if I had asked you, and you had assured me otherwise, I do not know that I would have believed you. After all, I did not know that you would want to be honest and risk angering me.”
A painful expression crossed his face.
“But I was wrong. You were never my prisoner. I was my own.”
Eleanor’s eyes filled, though she quickly looked away.
Alexander continued. “I built those walls long before you arrived. I built them after the war, after losing people I cared about. I hoped that if I never allowed myself to feel too much, then perhaps I could never hurt that deeply again, but then you came along, and you made me feel. I hated it at first.”
The admission surprised her.
“Not because of you,” he clarified. “Never because of you. What I hated was that I could no longer pretend I was untouched. I hated that you mattered. I hated that the thought of losing you frightened me more than anything I had faced before.”
A silence settled between them, broken only by the storm.
“But now I understand that feeling this pain is better than feeling nothing. I would rather spend a lifetime afraid of losing you than returning to the emptiness I lived in before you.”
For once, there was no careful distance, only the truth.
“I was wrong about duty. I was wrong about distance. Most of all, I was wrong about you. You were never asking for anything unreasonable. You were never demanding something I could not give. You only wanted to know that you mattered. I should have told you—I should have told you that from the moment you walked into Ashbourne…You were no longer a stranger in my home. You became the person I looked for.”
The rain poured down around them, but neither stepped away.
“I do not know if I deserve another chance,” he said. “I do not know if I can undo the hurt I have caused you, but I know that if you leave now, I will spend the rest of my life regretting that I allowed fear to make my choices for me.”
His voice softened.
“So please, Eleanor, do not leave believing you were unwanted, because you have been the one person I have wanted most, even though I must admit that you have always frightened me.”
Eleanor’s expression shifted, surprise flickering across her face. Alexander gave a quiet chuckle, looking at her with an honesty that left nowhere to hide.
“You frightened me because you reminded me that I was still capable of wanting something. You walked into my life with your gardens and your questions and your insistence on seeing the good in people, and you made it impossible for me to remain the man I had become. I had convinced myself that surviving was enough, but then you came along, and suddenly I found myself caring whether you smiled, whether you were happy, whether you looked at me with disappointment or not.”
“Then you should know that, for the most part, I was truly happy. I was disappointed too, but there were more good times than bad.”
Her voice was soft, and Alexander wished that she would say more. He knew that he was saying an awful lot, but there was so much that he felt compelled to tell her, and he did not want to leave anything unsaid.
Not if she was going to leave.
“I resented the part of myself that had begun to wake again.” He sighed. “You made me confront the fact that I was not living. I was simply existing, and I was a fool for pushing you away simply because you made me feel something I was afraid to feel.”
Eleanor looked down, avoiding his gaze, but Alexander saw the slight tremble in her hands. She was still listening. She had not turned away, and that gave him the courage to continue.
“I do not want you to return because you are my duchess. I do not want you to return because Ashbourne needs you or because society expects you to stand beside me. I want you to return because you want to. Heaven knows I want you too. I want your laughter in the house. I want your opinions, even when they challenge mine. I want the way you see beauty in places I have ignored for years. I want the woman who walks into a garden and somehow makes it feel alive again.”
He stepped closer, though he still left enough space between them for her to choose.
“I want all of you.”
Eleanor’s breath caught. Her eyes filled, but she did not look away. Alexander swallowed against the ache in his throat, and a sad, honest smile touched his face.
“I cannot promise that I will never fail you again. I am certain I will. I am still learning how to be the man you deserve.”
He reached toward her, stopping just short of taking her hand.
“But I can promise that I will never hide from you again.”
The silence between them stretched. Eleanor watched him carefully, searching his face as though she needed to be certain this was real. She had spent so long wondering what existed behind his guarded expression that seeing him finally open himself completely almost hurt more than his distance had.
Her voice, when it came, was barely audible.
“I know what you are trying to tell me. Say it.”
Alexander went still. The rain continued around them, but the world seemed to narrow to those two words.
“What?”
Her lips trembled.
“Say what you are still trying not to say. You have said so much, but there is something you are yet to allow yourself.”
For a moment, he closed his eyes, because he had known it for longer than he wanted to admit. He had simply been too afraid to speak it, but when he looked at her again, there was no hesitation left.
“I love you.”
The words were quiet. They did not come with the confidence of a man making a grand declaration before a crowd. They came from somewhere far deeper, from a place he had guarded for years and finally opened despite every instinct telling him to protect it.
“I love you, Eleanor. I have loved you for longer than I understood. I loved you when I thought I only admired you. I loved you when I was angry that you mattered to me. I loved you when I convinced myself that distance was the only way to protect myself from losing you.”
He shook his head, rain and tears impossible to distinguish, and he looked at her as though she were the only thing keeping him standing.
“I love you because you make me want to be better. I love you because you make me feel alive again, and most of all, I love you because you are you. I do not want a life without you. I want you beside me. I do not care what else is out there in the world. I choose you.”