Chapter Nineteen
R aven
Leave it to Slade to continue to ruin my life without doing much of anything. I laid there, flushed and spread out on the bed after he fucked and left. My heart hammered inside of my chest thinking about that moment, and the high I felt during it.
He had no idea how much he had fucked me up, or how my emotions were scattered when it came to him. He didn’t understand. To him, it was like I was just another girl he could fuck and leave, but we had more history than that. I should mean more to him, shouldn’t I? I was his daughter’s mother, for crying out loud.
I continued to lay on the bed, pondering my life and wondering how I had become so dependent on a human being. I used to be a badass. There was a time in my life when I didn’t care so much about what people thought of me. I had suffered enough at the hands of Father, so what other judgment and harm could they do to me?
At some point though, I had fallen in love. Not just a simple he liked her, she liked him, silly love. This kind of love was one that would make a person bleed. This kind of love was a high that if you came down from it, you wouldn’t be able to get back up. I was in love with Slade to that extent and I still haven’t recovered. So how the hell did he recover so fast?
How come my touch didn’t make him shiver or shake? What was so wrong with me that I wasn’t enough for him?
A sigh tumbled from my lips as I kept my gaze on the ceiling fan above me. My eyes followed the steady rhythm of the blades moving around and around. My wrist started hurting and that brought on my not so innocent thoughts from earlier. What was I thinking? How could I slit my wrist like that, thinking to take myself out of the equation? If Mother were alive, what would she think? What would Julianna think about her mother killing herself?
My thoughts had run rampant, and I was once again losing my mind. I’d become so focused on punishing myself that I didn’t think about the one person it would truly hurt if I left. Julianna. I quickly sat up, clenched my legs together and put my hands in my hair. I needed to go clean up, to get all the sex off of me, but a twisted part of me wanted to keep Slade’s scent for as long as I could. Maybe if I did, then Zeke wouldn’t be so focused on me. Maybe he would move his focus to other things, other people.
The whole thing with him and Father seemed wrong. What exactly happened in his old kingdom and why was Father opening up the estate so damn fast for this stranger? I needed to dig into his past and figure out what happened. He’s already proven to be a danger to Julianna and myself; I couldn’t imagine putting that kind of harm into the hands of our kingdom.
My thoughts roamed back to the only person that mattered. I needed to get better for her. I needed to start acting like a Queen or Father would continue to doubt me and think I needed to have a man by my side. I didn’t need Zeke. I didn’t need Father, and I certainly didn’t need Slade. If Mother could do this, then so could I.
Deciding to stop wallowing, I took in a deep breath, swallowed my pride and made my way to the bathroom to clean up. As I washed my face, I contemplated seeing a therapist. I had been so against going for the longest time, instead choosing to let my fears and pain take over my entire being. I never thought about talking to someone. In fact, I had often heard that therapists did more harm than good to some of their clients.
I removed the wrap from my face, placed my hands on the counter, and looked in the mirror. My black hair was messy, my eyes were dull, the violet hue that made them special disappeared, and my body was bruised. My gaze went to the big bandage on my wrist, and I thought about how I would cover it up.
I reached for my iPhone on the counter. I put in my password and Julianna’s face vanished from the screen. I looked for the weather app and found the temperature for today. The heat index was in the nineties, so not horrible, but too hot to wear a long-sleeved shirt. A sigh escaped my lips.
How would I hide this from Julianna? I didn’t want to cause her any concern. I tried to make her life as normal as possible. I wouldn’t raise her the way Father raised me. I wouldn’t let her drown in these sorrows that tried to swallow me whole.
I placed my phone back on the counter and went into my closet. Rummaging through my clothes, I decided to go simple and went with a royal blue t-shirt and jean shorts. I slipped on my hey-dude shoes and pulled my hair back in a ponytail.
I wasn’t planning on going anywhere but possibly to the park with Julianna. I didn’t feel like being all Queen-like and happy go lucky, so it was probably best to stay out of the public eye for today. Father could disapprove all he wanted, but I really didn’t care what he wanted anymore. He ruined that when I was younger.
I slid my phone in my pocket, turned off the light, unlocked my bedroom door and went out into the hall. I made my way through the estate, but stopped at Julianna’s bedroom when her humming filled my ears.
Her purple curtains were pulled back, and the blinds were open to the bright sunshine spilling through the cracks. Julianna was such a bubbly child who loved anything sunshine, rainbows and daisies. Whenever I think my heart is dead, I think of her and know there’s a purpose to why it’s still beating. Without her, I probably would’ve been dead years ago. She was my reason for living, for breathing.
She was sitting at her white desk, drawing something with a crayon. There were crayons everywhere. On the desk and on the floor, she also had paper dispersed around the room. Some of her clothes were in a pile by the window, and her stuffed animals were all aligned on her bed in a circle, with play plates and cups. The girl had a wild imagination, but I loved it.
“What are you doing?”
Her head popped up and released a wide smile. “I’m playing restaurant.”
A smile broke free on my face. “Then why are you at your desk coloring? Your stuffies are waiting for their waitress.”
She shook her head and a laugh came out. “I’m making the menu silly!”
She was about to say something else when her eyes averted to my wrist and a frown came on her face. “What happened mommy?”
I went over to the desk and placed a kiss on her head. “Nothing you need to worry about, sweetheart. I’m going to head downstairs, but would you like to go to the park later today?”
She nodded and took her menu to place it in front of one of her bears, and proceeded to play restaurant, ignoring that I was still in the room.
I went back into the hall and walked right into a hard body. “Ow, watch where you’re going-” My breath caught and words stopped as I looked up and realized exactly who I had run into.
Slade.
"Oh, so we’re walking through the front door now? Who the hell let you in?”
He opened his mouth but another body stood beside him. Elijah.
Am I in some kind of alternate reality? How on earth did they weasel their way in here? My stomach did a little flip. A part of me was beyond happy to see him, but another part of me was scared for him. If Father found out he was here, all hell would break loose. Father would never let them in here willingly.
“ Sup, Rav. Long time no see.”
I gritted my teeth. “Don’t call me that.” That was Slade’s nickname for me and I didn’t like it coming off of anyone’s tongue but his.
“Be nice, Raven.” My mouth dipped. Lewis came and stood right beside Elijah.
I looked between the three of them. Slade was looking through me, analyzing everything he could. Elijah had the biggest grin on his face as if he was up to no good, and Lewis was just Lewis. Stone on the outside but a big teddy bear on the inside. His upper lip twitched. He always had a soft spot for the boys, especially Slade. That man could probably get away with anything if he wanted.
“Did I miss something? Did you let them in here? You know Father-”
“The King isn’t here.”
What was with all the cryptic bullshit?
My stomach flipped. “What?”
“He had an urgent matter to take care of back in the States, Zeke went with him.”
My brows turned inward. That made no sense. Father rarely left the estate unless he had to, much less the country. And the States for that matter? What the fuck was in the States that he had to rush to deal with? Secret number five hundred and thirty-six he had kept from me. I couldn’t lie, the thought of neither of them being here for a brief amount of time, made the giant weight on my shoulders fall off.
I crossed my arms over my chest. “And? Now they get to come and go whenever they want?”
“Pretty much,” Lewis mumbled under his breath.
“Daddy!” Julianna came running into the hall and into Slade’s arms.
He picked her up and twirled her around. “Hi Princess. I told you I would be back.”
An inch of jealousy swarmed through my body, but I shut it down. How could I be jealous of my little girl getting excited to see her dad? Despite everything between Slade and I, he was a great dad. He truly loved her and would die for her.
I swallowed the lump in my throat and scratched at the bandage on my arm. Shut it down, Raven. You need to stop. Stop hurting yourself. Be stronger.
“ Mommy said we could go to the park, can you come with us, Daddy? You and your friend? He’s so nice.”
Elijah? Nice? Don’t get me wrong, I had nothing against the guy, but he also wasn’t a big fan of mine. Probably because you were always a bitch to him.
“I’m sure they already have plans-”
As if I were invisible, Slade replied with, “Yes, we can tag along.”
I stood there as a mute, not sure what to do next. Goosebumps were on my arms, my stomach had butterflies swarming around, and my throat was dry. He always rendered me speechless. I wish there was a way to get over him, to cut him cold turkey and never look back. Unfortunately, he would always be around because of our daughter.
He would eventually fall in love with someone else and possibly have children with them. The thoughts that were racing through my mind made me nauseous. His gaze met mine and I couldn’t figure out the look he was giving me. I wondered how he felt, what he thought. It seemed like he was trying to figure me out, to bust through the cracks in my armor and find out what lies beneath.
“There you are! It's time to meet your wedding planner!” A feminine voice called from behind me and I knew instantly who it was. Anna.
I still couldn’t figure her out. Sometimes it seemed like she was on my side, but other times it seemed she was on Father’s side. She was torn between the two of us, and that scared me. She’d been around for ages. I often thought of her as a good friend, but the only person I trusted without a doubt was Lewis.
Without meaning to, my body stiffened and Slade noticed the movement. He whispered in Julianna’s ear and put her down. She ran off back to her room.
“I’ve been looking everywhere for you. We have to get going.” I drowned out her voice and continued staring at Slade, not caring about much else. Why was he here? Something was off and I couldn’t put my finger on it.
A horrible thought entered my brain, and my stomach sank. I glanced behind me towards Julianna’s room and then back to him. His eyes narrowed. Was he here to take her from me? Was he trying to get custody? He wouldn’t be that cruel, would he? The truth was, I didn’t know Slade like I used to. He could be the cruelest human alive and want to hurt me to the point that it crippled me.
I swallowed and tried to formulate some words. “Are you here to...” I couldn’t even say the words. The thought of him taking her from me scared the crap out of me. “Are you here to take her from me?” Fear, then anger soared through my body, going deep into my veins, making my blood boil. I started seeing red. “I swear to God Slade, if you are, I will fight you. I can’t lose her too.”
His eyebrows rose briefly as if I had caught him off guard. Hmm, maybe he wasn’t here to take her from me? Maybe I misjudged him. It was like I had rendered him speechless along with everyone else. No one said a word. It was silent in the hall, it didn’t seem like anyone was breathing either. I just played with fire.
While seemingly wrong, I had every right to accuse him of that. He didn’t care for me anymore. What would be a better way to cripple your enemy than to take what is most precious to them.
His face recovered fast and he shook his head. “Despite our differences, no, I’m not here to take her from you.”
“Yeah, I think we can all agree you’re a great mother. A little fucked up in the head, but a great mom, nonetheless.” Elijah’s attempt at cracking a joke didn’t go over well when Slade hit him upside the head.
My shoulders relaxed. Thank fuck.
“Now that we’ve somewhat established that they aren’t here to do any wrongdoing, we really have to go.” My shoulders stiffened when I realized she was still here.
My gaze flickered to Elijah’s who was no longer watching me but had his eyes glued to Anna’s. Not that I could blame him. She was beautiful. Tall, brunette, blue eyes, slim figure with hips that swayed as she walked. The only thing truly fishy about her was her personality switches when it came to loyalty to the crown.
Fuck the crown and everything it stood for.
“I’m not particularly fond that we are disobeying the King’s orders,” she gives a pointed look at Lewis, “but that’s not my main concern. Currently, I need to get you to the wedding planner before she decides to back out, again.” Now her look was pointed at me. It wasn’t my fault the wedding planner only cared about herself and the strict schedule. I was the up and coming Queen, I should have some leeway if something comes up.
I frowned. “I’m not really feeling up to going this morning.”
A harsh glare came over her features. “I don’t care how you’re feeling, you and I are going. Lewis will take care of Julianna. Hell, Slade and his minion are here too. Now come on!”
She dragged me away from the love of my life and once again there was so much I wanted to say, to yell and rant about, but didn’t get the chance. Maybe one day I would tell him exactly how I felt, but currently, I had a duty I had to take care of. Making plans to marry an absolute monster was at the top of the list.
I had to figure a way out of this.