The Broposal

Chapter Four Kenny

CHAPTER FOUR

KENNY

J ackie was long gone by the time Han came out of his room, but he didn’t sit next to me.

“Going for a walk,” he said as he made his way to the door.

“You okay?” I asked, but he just threw me a thumbs-up before shutting the door behind him.

Shit. Walks were one of Han’s tells. I wanted so badly to chase him out there and ask what was wrong, but I knew he wouldn’t say. He didn’t even tell me, his roommate , that he’d lost his job. Had I done something? I must have.

With the “no bullshit” rule, I was supposed to trust that Han would tell me if I’d done something that bothered him, but sometimes Han didn’t realize himself when things were bothering him. Still, if being with Jackie had taught me anything, it was that I had one major talent: fucking things up.

I was constantly saying or doing the wrong thing. According to Jackie, she was the only one I could trust to call me on my shit, and if Han’s lack of criticism was anything to go off, she was right. I might not have known what I did, but it was clear I’d fucked up once again, and I desperately needed to make things right.

When I was depressed like Han seemed to be, I had a particularly hard time doing chores. Maybe I could ease Han’s load a bit by doing some of his?

I went to Han’s room and got to work. I was surprised to see clothes on the floor instead of in his hamper. This looked more like my room than Han’s. The closest I’d ever gotten to using my hamper was tossing clothes in its general direction and hoping for the best. But Han wasn’t like me.

There were only a few outfits on the floor, but it felt so un-Han that I stood there for a moment before getting to work putting them in the hamper and carrying it down to the laundry room. Luckily, I had plenty of spare change for the washer from my serving job.

Han still wasn’t back when the clothes were dry, so I decided to put them away. I hung up his nicer shirts and folded the T-shirts and pants before putting them in his dresser.

I must have accidentally bumped the desk, because the computer screen lit up, and a video with Han holding his guitar popped up.

I smiled. Han sometimes recorded original songs on his computer, and I loved watching him sing. Whenever Han recorded a new song, he’d casually mention it to me, then leave it on the screen and leave the room so I could watch without him having to see my reaction. He was a bit shy like that.

I assumed this was the same, so I pressed play.

He talked instead of singing, but he was strumming his guitar, so it took me a while to realize this particular video wasn’t meant for me.

I don’t think I can stay here anymore.

Han wanted to leave?

Just then the apartment door opened, and I quickly paused the video and shut off the computer, running out of Han’s room and into the living room.

“Han,” I started, but didn’t know how to finish. I couldn’t just beg him to stay. I wasn’t even supposed to know he wanted to leave!

“You okay, bro?”

I hated that he was asking me that instead of the other way around. “I’m worried about you .”

“What’s to worry about? I’m all good. Just needed to clear my head.” Han grinned, but I didn’t buy it. He was thinking about going back to Mexico! And he wasn’t even going to tell me. He was not all good . And neither was I, apparently.

I needed to be better. Needed to be more trustworthy.

“What do you need from me? I’ll do whatever I can to support you,” I said, sounding more desperate than I’d hoped.

“What are you talking about? We’re good, bro.”

I snapped my fingers as a brilliant idea came to me. “I can get you a job at the restaurant!” I hoped that would be enough to get him to stay. He’d said he might leave because of getting fired.

“Really?” Han asked, a hint of hope in his voice.

“Yeah! Two cooks got fired yesterday for fighting. And as assistant manager, I don’t need permission. I can just hire you! You’re already a natural with cooking.”

“Thanks. I, uh, appreciate that, bro.” Han finally smiled, for real.

I drove Han to his first shift the very next day. Now we both worked at Joe’s Cheesecake, which was basically the Cheesecake Factory, but cheaper. As a server and assistant manager, my shifts changed every couple of weeks, while Han’s were expected to stay pretty consistent as a cook. Our shifts didn’t overlap today.

“Jackie said our relationship isn’t healthy because we never fight,” I blurted out as we pulled up to the restaurant. The thought had lingered since the night before.

I wasn’t quite sure why I felt the need to bring it up. Maybe I needed validation that she was wrong. That there wasn’t something wrong with the relationship I had with my lifelong best friend.

“That’s bullshit,” Han said. “Fighting doesn’t make a relationship healthy. And even if we did fight, it’d be nothing like your fights with Jackie. She has no respect.”

I sighed. “I thought you were making nice with her?”

“I’m trying, man.” Han shook his head. “I just don’t like how she talks to you. She puts these weird-ass ideas in your head.”

“I don’t just buy into everything she tells me…” I mumbled. I definitely didn’t agree with the fighting thing.

“Good. I’ll see you later.”

And with that, Han left the car and went inside. At least he was trying?

I stalled in the lot for a bit before going to pick Jackie up to bring her to my parents’. I was hoping to get their permission to get married. If Han wasn’t going to give my engagement his enthusiastic approval and unwavering support, maybe my parents could fill that gap.

Jackie’s other goal, besides getting permission to get married, was to get her hands on my grandma’s emerald engagement band. After her parents’ divorce, she latched on to mine quicker than one of those slap bracelets. My parents weren’t as enthusiastic about Jackie as she was about them, but since her own parents wouldn’t give her an ounce of attention, she craved my parents’ affection like a drug. I assumed that was why she wanted the ring so badly. It had been passed down for generations, and my parents offering it would be the ultimate show of accepting her into the family. So, I had to get her that ring. I took a deep breath as we parked in front of the house. I could do this.

The gated community I grew up in was a far cry from Han’s and my little apartment just outside downtown Albuquerque. Both my parents made a decent living from real estate, so they’d lived comfortably in a suburban cookie-cutter home my whole life. When I was growing up, the house was only a few streets down from Han’s place, though the neighborhoods were vastly different in house size and prices. And with Han’s being chock-full of humans every waking moment, he spent a lot of his time at my quiet house with me and my parents. It made mine feel more lived in, and my parents loved it.

When Jackie pressed the doorbell, my mom answered almost immediately. Her face lit up when she saw me, her energy burning bright despite the constant bags under her eyes, which were the only indication she was anywhere near fifty.

“So nice to see you two! Come on in.” She hugged me as if we hadn’t seen each other in years, even though it had been only a few days. She was a bit over-the-top like that. Then she hugged Jackie just as tight, but it looked forced, at least on my mom’s side. Her back was too stiff. She and Jackie had always gotten along superficially, but never on a deeper level. I hoped that might change someday, but I wasn’t sure they’d get along if they knew each other any better. As we walked inside, my mom grabbed my arm and frowned as she inspected it.

“You’re spending too much time in the sun.”

I snatched my arm away. “ Mom , it’s fine.” I wasn’t even that tan, but my mom was always worrying that if I got too tan, I’d get skin cancer. Which totally wasn’t a concern, considering I spent about as much time in the sun as a vampire.

“You need to protect your skin. Are you wearing sunscreen?”

“Yes,” I lied. Why would I wear sunscreen to my parents’ house?

With my mom satisfied, the three of us sat on the couch, chatting about the next party my mom planned to throw for her cousin’s niece’s friend’s quinceanera (she was the go-to party planner for everyone who knew her) while my dad finished up the food. He always insisted on feeding anyone who came over, so it was usually best to show up hungry.

He finally came out of the kitchen carrying a plate full of mini elotes slathered in butter, mayo, chili powder, and lime juice. The smell of the fresh corn on the cob made my mouth water. Our family was pretty assimilated in every way except the food we ate. My dad made it a mission to cook only Mexican food and snacks, even if he got the recipes from white people online.

“Thanks, Dad,” I said as I picked up a piece of corn by the stick poking out of it. I took a bite to stall the conversation. I really wasn’t looking forward to this talk, so instead I reveled in the perfect mixture of sweet and spicy on my tongue.

My dad, on the other hand, didn’t let the food get in the way. “So, you wanted to talk?” he asked with his mouth full, arching one of his bushy caterpillar eyebrows.

I wiped some mayo from my lips with a napkin and forced a smile. “Yeah. Um, thanks for having us over.” I felt myself speaking much more formally than I normally would with them. I could already feel my hands shaking, so I put the elote down and placed them on my lap to hide the tremble. Jackie must have noticed, because she grabbed one of my hands and moved it to her thigh, putting her own hand on top of mine. The gesture should have helped, but all I could think about were the potential consequences of this conversation. It wasn’t that I needed my parents’ approval to marry who I wanted, but how would Jackie react if they said no? Would she be mad at me?

Okay, out with it.

“Um, as you know, Jackie and I have been together for a really long time, and we think it’s a good time to get married.”

My parents shared a look before saying anything.

“Why is now the time?” my mom asked. She didn’t offer to get the ring.

I couldn’t say “because Jackie will break up with me if we don’t get married,” so I pulled away from Jackie’s thigh and wrung my hands together, trying to come up with a reason they’d be satisfied with. She was the only person I had ever even been with—unless you counted the guy I hooked up with in college while Jackie and I were on a break, which I didn’t acknowledge to anyone besides Han and my parents, who actually caught us in the act. But when you were with someone as long as we were, you were supposed to get married. That was, like, the law or something; everyone expected it.

Eventually, Jackie filled the awkward silence. “It just feels like good timing because Kenny’s lease is about to end.” That was a lie. I still had six months left. I guessed that would be when the wedding would happen, though. “And we’ve been waiting to move in until marriage, so it’s perfect timing!” Jackie’s pink-painted lips grinned as she threw her arms around me. She sure was confident. I’d give her that. I was glad she hadn’t mentioned my lie about my parents insisting we get married before moving in. Jackie would not have been happy if she realized I’d made that up. My stomach dropped at the realization I’d finally have to move away from Han. We’d lived together for five years—since we were eighteen—and I’d gotten used to it.

“Are you sure you’re ready for a lifelong commitment?” My dad casually took another bite of corn after the question. “You’re both still young…”

He wasn’t wrong , but he wasn’t particularly right, either. At twenty-three, Jackie, Han, and I were at that age where half our friends were having kids and settling down, and the other half were partying it up or living at home. It was a weird in-between stage, but I had always thought of Jackie and me as being a part of the former group. I had to admit, though, I felt like a traitor for leaving Han behind…

“We’re ready, Papi,” Jackie said. She had been calling my dad Papi and my mom Mami ever since she’d heard Han use the familiar terms with them. I never stopped her, even though it felt a little strange considering she only got the terms from Han, who’d grown up with that kind of language. I didn’t even call my parents that. Honestly, I preferred not to bring Jackie around my parents much because they were a bit judgy. But I knew if I said anything about the nicknames, she’d raise hell, since there was no way Jackie was going to let Han have something she couldn’t. Even if it was different. Even if Han called my parents that because they treated him like their own son. He’d known my parents almost his whole life, while Jackie only saw them on special occasions. “We’ve been together forever; it’s time,” Jackie added when no one answered.

“Forever?” My mom shot my dad a concerned look. “I hate to bring this up, but didn’t you two just get back together a few months ago?” I bit my tongue. Our most recent break was painful enough without my mom drudging it up. We were finally getting past it.

Jackie’s face reddened, and I reached for her hand to ground her before she said anything she couldn’t take back.

“We first got together in high school, Mami. It has been forever,” Jackie said.

“Kenny? Do you feel ready for this?” my mom urged, but I couldn’t get the words out. The silence was pummeling me into my grave, since Jackie would definitely kill me for this. I finally cleared my throat and managed to say something.

“We’ve been together forever.” It was the closest to an “I’m ready” I could muster. All I knew was that I was light-years more ready to get married than to be alone.

“It’s true that you just got back together,” my dad said. “Maybe you should wait a couple of years.”

“I agree,” my mom added. “Statistically, couples who are together three years before marriage are less likely to divorce!”

“But we’ve been together since high school!” Jackie pleaded.

“In the course of a lifetime, what’s another year or two?” my dad asked, and I couldn’t bring myself to argue. I felt relieved, actually. If I was being honest, I wasn’t in any rush, and I was happy Jackie had no power over my parents, meaning she didn’t have control over how quickly we’d get married.

“A year…” Jackie paused, then squeezed my hand and got up to hug my parents. “Thank you so much! It might take us a year to plan a wedding anyway. Now all we need is a ring to make the engagement official!”

Shit. Jackie wasn’t really supposed to know about that ring. It was clear my mom wasn’t going to offer it, and that made me think they didn’t approve after all. I should have been upset about that, but I didn’t know how to feel. I wasn’t happy, but I also didn’t feel angry like I’d expected to if they said no.

I thought Jackie might ask for the ring outright if the conversation went on any longer, so I thanked my parents for the food and their approval, then excused myself and Jackie to pick Han up from work. It was only a half lie. Han wouldn’t be off work for another hour.

“Stay safe! Love you!” my mom said as she hugged me goodbye.

“Love you too.”

“Love you too!” Jackie repeated enthusiastically, but instead of saying it back, my mom offered a stiff goodbye hug. Luckily, Jackie didn’t seem to notice.

When we got in the car, Jackie slumped into her seat.

“I thought we were going on a date today?” She puffed out her bottom lip.

“What? We are,” I said, unsure where Jackie got the idea that we weren’t.

“You said you were going to pick up Han.”

“Yeah, babe. I just need to get him and drop him off at home, and then we’ll go on our date.” I’d told Jackie the plan earlier, but she always seemed disappointed when I didn’t cancel on Han.

“Why can’t Han walk home?”

“Because I told him I would take him home.” I didn’t mention that Han still had a messed-up ankle from his high school soccer days. It wasn’t too far of a drive from the restaurant to our apartment, but walking would take about an hour, and after Han’s long walk yesterday, there was no way he’d be able to make another one without coming home in more pain than I ever cared to see him in.

“Well, it would mean a lot to me if we could go on our date now .” Jackie slithered her hand onto my thigh while I drove. I made sure to keep my eyes on the road and not meet her pleading gaze.

“I can’t just ditch Han.” I sighed. I hated getting guilt-tripped. Like I was a bad boyfriend for being a good friend. Couldn’t I be good at both?

Jackie paused, and I could feel her sizing me up. “Bryan would have never done this to me…”

I tightened my grip on the wheel. Bryan was the guy she’d cheated on me with only a few months ago, the reason we’d been on a break. We were still working through it, but Jackie bringing him up was a serious low blow.

“Besides, Han’s an adult. He’ll be fine.” Jackie pouted and pulled her hand away from my thigh. “Seriously, I feel like you love him more than me.”

My fingers tightened around the wheel again. I didn’t like when she compared herself to Han. I hated the thought of having to compare two of the people I loved most. But… Han was the only person who I could really relax around. The only person who made sure I put myself first. How could I possibly have loved anyone more than the most consistent, loyal, trustworthy person I’d ever met?

Somewhere deep down, I knew I was wrong for that. I should have loved the girl I was going to spend the rest of my life with more than my childhood best friend… right? My lack of an answer only angered her more.

“Kenny…” she started, and I could feel her eyes once again trained on me.

I kept my own on the road.

“Kenny.” She said it sternly this time. “If you had to choose between me and Han, who would you choose?” Her confident tone showed she had no idea the true answer.

“I’m not answering that, babe.”

“No. You have to choose. We can go on our date, or you can pick up your little boyfriend. It’s me or him. I’m serious. Who’s it going to be?”

Instead of answering, I took her hand and kissed it. Anything to avoid a confrontation. But she wouldn’t let me.

“Kenny, I swear to God, if you choose Han, we’re breaking up.”

“Jackie, I’m not going to choose!” I hadn’t meant to raise my voice, but I didn’t exactly appreciate another ultimatum so soon after getting engaged.

“What the hell! Are you fucking kidding me?”

“Please don’t make me choose.” Making decisions wasn’t exactly my strong suit, and Jackie knew this. She usually picked for me so I wouldn’t make the wrong choice, but was this something I was willing to let her choose? If I didn’t make up my mind and she chose herself for me, then it didn’t matter what my original choice would have been. If it was Han, she’d know and be bitter about it forever. If it was her, she’d never let me live down that I wasn’t confident enough in our relationship to say it myself.

I started driving to Jackie’s house instead of the restaurant. For the first time, maybe ever, the choice was clear.

It was as if she’d read my mind. My vision went white as Jackie’s hand cracked across my cheek, causing me to swerve into traffic. Horns honked and cars swerved, but I was able to get control before hitting anyone. I clenched my jaw and put one hand on my cheek, leaving the other firmly gripping the wheel. Heat rose in my chest and face, and I struggled to push the anger down. She’d slapped me before, but never while I was driving . She could have gotten us both killed!

“I’m sorry,” Jackie said, coaxing my hand away from my cheek to hold it in hers, then planting a soft kiss on the reddened handprint on my face. “You just make me so mad sometimes!”

I wished she wouldn’t get so angry. I wished I didn’t make her so angry.

“I’m sorry.” My words came out weak and pathetic. Just like I felt. How I too often felt with Jackie.

“I see you made your choice.” Jackie grinned as I pulled my car into my usual spot in her driveway. I had made my choice, and for the first time since we’d been together, I didn’t need any reassurance to know exactly what I wanted.

“I choose Han,” I said. “Please get out of my car.”