Chapter Seventeen Han
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
HAN
I should have been used to kissing Kenny by now, but my cheeks warmed all over again, every time. I tried to catch my breath without being obvious while we drove home. I reminded myself we were just pretending. That this time it was mostly for Jackie’s eyes. I had to remind myself that was okay . That I knew Jackie seeing Kenny move on was a good thing. Even if Kenny did want to make her jealous, it didn’t mean he only cared about that. He’d proven as much already.
“What do you think she wanted?” I asked.
“Probably for us to break up. But don’t worry, love, I’ll never leave you.” Kenny grinned, but I wished he wouldn’t joke about it.
“You know you can, right?” Giving Kenny an out was a dumbass move, but I had to do it.
His brows scrunched together. “What do you mean?”
“I don’t want you to feel like you have to go through with this, you know? It’s your choice.”
“I know, and I’ll make the same choice every time. I wouldn’t bow out on you,” Kenny said, a frown tugging at his lips.
“Thanks. Seriously, it means a lot, bro.”
“When have I ever let you down? Don’t worry, okay?” Kenny smiled, and I really did believe him. My own smile lingered, even when Kenny looked away.
Dear Mami,
I’m getting married. Can you believe it? If you do, you won’t believe to who. Or, maybe you will, since everyone else pretty much guessed it.
It’s Kenny! I’m marrying Kenny.
But it’s all supposed to be fake and I feel like I’m going to explode if I don’t tell someone.
Love,
Han
I stared at the letter I had written days before, then at my mom’s contact in WhatsApp. It’d been a week since the engagement, but I still hadn’t built up the courage to tell my parents.
Even with Kenny’s prodding, I could hardly bring myself to open the app, let alone call them. What if they disowned me? Part of me felt like that wouldn’t matter. It wasn’t like they’d raised me anyway. But even if it was just a phone call or a video chat every couple of months, I still wanted them in my life. I might not have been the best son in the world. I could call more, but, then again, so could they. Still, I didn’t want to lose them altogether.
And now that I was going to get my green card, I could actually visit them. Maybe we’d get closer than ever. I hadn’t seen them or been to my hometown in so long. God, I missed Xalapa.
I found myself craving a chocolate-filled churro. My dad used to take me to this park with a churro stand all the time. You just couldn’t find authentic filled churros in the States. I’d definitely tried.
Luna broke me out of my reminiscing when she hopped onto the couch next to me, resting her head on my lap. I scratched her ears. Even if Kenny was her first priority (despite her being my dog), she was always there for comfort when I really needed it. And she gave me the tiny push to make the damn call.
It rang. And rang. And God, part of me didn’t want her to answer, until she didn’t. Then I realized how badly I actually wanted to talk to her. My mind immediately went to the scary place it always went when she didn’t answer before I shook it off and called my dad instead. She was probably just busy. Before I knew it, my dad was on the other end of a video call.
“Que pasó, mijo? Everything okay?” His concerned words delivered another shot of guilt into my veins. I knew I didn’t call as much as I should, but I didn’t want my dad’s first instinct when I did call to be that something was horribly wrong.
“Everything’s fine. Where’s Mami? I need to tell you guys something.”
My dad shook his head, sighing. “She’s… not here. What did you want to tell us?”
“I think she’ll want to hear this, Papi. Should I call back another time?”
“I don’t know when she’s coming back, mijo. Just tell me.” I could barely make out the details, but when my dad moved to sit on the couch, the camera shifted, and I saw that the living room was connected to the kitchen, unlike the one he and my mom called from last time. Had it been that long?
“You moved?” I asked.
“Staying with a friend. You know how it is,” he answered, with the slightest hint of a frown.
“I don’t, actually. I can send some money?” A guilty hole formed in my chest. If I had called more, I could have helped. I didn’t make bank, but I could probably squeeze out an extra hundred bucks or so a month.
My dad clicked his tongue and waved me away. “Keep your money, mijo. God knows your mami can’t be trusted with it.”
Oh. Last time I spoke with my mom, she’d been sober for a year. But it sounded like she might have been using again.
“Is she… you know…?” I started, but I couldn’t finish without my voice betraying the lump in my throat.
“Don’t worry. We’re working on it. So, what’s your big news?”
I wanted to think she was in rehab getting better, but I knew my parents couldn’t afford that. So she was using. She’d always struggled with addiction. A memory resurfaced of her desperately trying to sell me for drugs. One of my only clear memories of her. My parents acted like that never happened. Like I was too young to remember, but I remembered.
They sent me here to live with my tíos after that. They never flat-out said it, but I knew it was to protect me from my mom’s negligence. But she seemed so much better the last time we spoke. Another pang of guilt tugged at my heart for not reaching out sooner. For not answering when she had called, or even calling back. I should have at least checked in.
“Talk to me, Papi. What’s going on?” I wished my dad would just be up front, no matter how hard it was to talk about. Shit, I was starting to sound like Kenny. I wondered if I’d gotten my emotionally stunted habits from my dad, even if I lived without his influence most of my life. Could that kind of thing be genetic?
“There’s no time, mijo. Just tell me your news.”
I sighed. “Okay, I’ll tell you, but please have Mami call me when she can, okay?”
“I’ll have her call when she’s better. So what’s this news, mijo? What’s bothering you?” He gave me a reassuring smile, and I relaxed a little.
“Actually, everything is really great. I’m… getting married.” I forced myself to smile despite what I’d just learned about my mom. In contrast, my dad’s smile didn’t look forced at all.
“You really are grown now, aren’t you?” he said. “Who’s the lucky lady?”
“Um, well, it’s Kenny.”
I had introduced Kenny to my parents on video chats before, but I never explained the nature of our relationship. I’d be surprised if my parents hadn’t made the same assumption as everyone else.
“This is so you can get citizenship, verdad?”
“What? No!” I said, defensive against the correct assumption. I hated how quickly he came to that conclusion.
“Mijo, I don’t see why you can’t just marry a nice girl,” he said, and I had to resist the urge to hang up on him.
“I don’t want to marry a nice girl. I want to marry Kenny. It’s not just a gimmick. I…” I felt myself getting heated, but I had no words to articulate it. Just then Kenny walked into the room, giving me two thumbs-up for encouragement. “I love him…” I finally finished. I don’t know; it felt like the right thing to say.
My dad put his hands up in defeat. “All right, all right. I won’t judge how you’re doing it. I’m just happy you’re gonna be a citizen.”
“I’m not doing it for citizenship!” My dad knowing made my forehead bead with sweat. At the same time, I figured he was desperate to dismiss the idea of me marrying a man for love.
“Okay, enough of this. So what else is new in your life?”
“What else? I’m getting married . It’s kind of a big deal.” I didn’t want to admit that there really wasn’t anything else going on in my life. My whole life had been constant mediocrity. I was never able to do the things I really wanted to do for fear of attracting too much attention. I had to work a job I hated, skip college. Forget about living my dreams—I didn’t even let myself have any. Hell, I couldn’t even travel across state lines. I knew my parents sent me here so I’d be safer, but I was still constantly looking over my shoulder.
“I love him…” I repeated. Of course it was true, even if we were best friends. Still, I wasn’t one to go blurting out my feelings. The guise of it being fake was freeing that way. Ironically, it allowed me to say how I really felt.
“Okay, okay, I get it,” Papi said.
“I have to go.” I hung up before my dad could voice any more judgment. I wasn’t sure why, but his disapproval hurt more than the guilt of Elisa and Cedric’s approval. The guilt from spinning all these lies melted away. Now all I felt was heat flushing my cheeks and twisting my hands into fists.
Kenny sat next to me and swung an arm over my shoulders.
“He’ll come around.” At least Kenny didn’t say anything about my acting skills. He always seemed to know what to say to make me feel better, even without me having to tell him what was actually wrong.
I don’t see why you can’t just marry a nice girl.
I never planned on marrying a girl, or anyone. But I also never planned on meeting someone like Kenny. Someone willing to put everything on the line for me without blinking. Someone who didn’t hesitate to marry me the moment he realized it would get me to stay for good. I wasn’t one for commitment, but I had already committed most of my life to being his best friend. I really didn’t know why I was so afraid of commitment in the first place. Maybe I didn’t want to end up with the wrong person. And Kenny was nothing if not so fucking right in every way.
And truthfully? If I were to marry someone, for real, it would be him.
That thought scared the shit out of me.
And maybe it changed everything.