Chapter Twenty-Eight Kenny
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
KENNY
A re you fucking kidding me? I said break up with him, not get married !” Jackie’s voice was dangerously loud. It was a good thing Nacho and his mariachi band were playing music inside, or everyone else might have heard.
“I told you I wasn’t leaving him!” I whisper-yelled. “Can you please keep it down?”
“Why, so no one sees you with me? If we have a kid together, people are going to have to see us together. You can’t be embarrassed to be seen with the mother of your child.”
It wasn’t that I was embarrassed, but I didn’t want Han’s family, or mine, getting the wrong idea. I so badly wanted to just tell her to leave and go back inside with Han, but she was right. We were having a kid together, so I had to play nice with her. “I’m not embarrassed of you,” I muttered.
“It sure seems like you are.” She crossed her arms.
“I’m sorry,” I said. I always found myself apologizing to her, even if I wasn’t totally sure what I’d done wrong.
Then Jackie started crying. I just sat there for a moment, not knowing what to do.
“Will you just hold me?” she cried. I wrapped my arms around her and let her cry into my shoulder. “What are we going to do?” she asked.
“I’ll get a better-paying job…” I said. “Han said he’ll help out, too.”
She choked on her sob. “Don’t talk to me about Han right now!”
“Okay, sorry.”
After a few moments of crying, she looked up from my shoulder and into my eyes. Hers were red and puffy, like this wasn’t the first time she had cried over this. I felt so guilty for not having been there.
“I’ll go to your appointments with you,” I said, feeling my words starting to slip into each other a tiny bit.
“Are you drunk?”
“Uh, maybe a little,” I admitted.
Jackie didn’t answer, just kept staring intensely into my eyes. Then she leaned forward and pressed her lips against mine. I was so surprised at first that I didn’t move. Her cheeks were wet with tears, and her face was warm. Warm and soft. Then the door opened.
I quickly pushed Jackie away. It was Han.
“Oh…” he started, closing the door behind him discreetly as words seemed to evade him. Jackie grinned victoriously, and in that moment I hated her all over again. Had she wanted Han to catch us? I knew our relationship wasn’t real, but Jackie didn’t know that. What she did know was that I had been drinking. She knew Han was coming back. And she kissed me anyway.
“I swear, it’s not what it looks like!” I pleaded, partially to keep up with the act, but also because I didn’t want Han to think anything of it. I had just told him things were over with Jackie, and if he thought I was having second thoughts, he’d freak out over the wedding.
“Looks like you two have a lot to work out. I’ll leave you to it,” Jackie said, then sauntered back down the hallway toward the stairs as if the night had gone exactly how she’d planned. Once she was out of earshot, I covered my face with my hands.
“I fucked up,” I said.
“We said no dating other people.”
“I know, I know. She just kissed me, and I wasn’t expecting it. It won’t happen again. I promise.”
“I’m just gonna… go back inside,” Han said, and reached for the door.
“I’ll go with you!” I grabbed Han’s hand. “I’m sorry I almost blew our cover. I really am,” I said.
“It’s fine,” Han said, even though there was an edge in his tone that said otherwise. I opened the door and helped him inside before anyone could get too suspicious.
Once the door opened, the act was back on. Han’s jaw unclenched, and he relaxed in my arms, leaning on me while he hopped back to the couch. I moved to kiss him before I remembered the rule I myself had set. No kissing. I hated that damn rule, but it was definitely for the best. I couldn’t turn Han into a rebound. I helped him sit down, then took another shot before going to the bathroom to cool off.
What the hell had I just done? Why hadn’t I stopped Jackie from kissing me? If it had been anyone but Han who walked out, it would have ruined everything. Somehow, though, Han walking out still felt like the worst possible outcome. I hadn’t wanted to let him down, but that was exactly what I’d just done.
I stared at myself in the mirror, asking myself the same question over and over again. What the hell was wrong with me? Then there was a knock on the door. I opened it, eager to make things right with Han.
“I’m so sorry Ha—Leti?”
“We need to talk.” Leti grabbed my wrist and led me down the hallway. I stumbled along behind them, feeling the effects of the alcohol stuttering my steps. “In private,” they said, then gestured to my bedroom door. I had a feeling this was important, so I opened the door and walked inside. They spoke as soon as the door was closed.
“What did you do?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean why is Han brooding all of a sudden? An hour ago he said he wasn’t going to drink, and now he’s getting hammered. What happened when you left? What did you do to my cousin?” Leti put their hands on their hips and stared me down. I always knew they were confrontational when it came to protecting their family, but I’d never been on this side of their aggression before.
“I—I didn’t do anything,” I stuttered. What was I supposed to say?
“Bullshit. Why is he all sad now?”
“He’s sad?” I asked. Han rarely showed his emotions, especially not when he was sad. And it usually took a lot to make him sad-drink. Though I supposed Leti was more in tune with the inner workings of Han than anyone else in the world, besides maybe me.
They just looked at me as if it was obvious. Was Han really that upset about the kiss? I hoped he trusted me enough to know I would keep my word with the wedding. With everything we’d been through, I would have hoped he’d trust me enough not to worry about that. So why was he upset enough for Leti to notice?
I wanted to tell Leti everything because I knew they would be able to give the best advice, but Han and I had decided on that first day we couldn’t tell a single soul, and I wasn’t about to break that promise. I wondered if I should come clean about the part of the truth I knew I could trust them with, that Han saw Jackie kissing me, and I didn’t know what to do about it.
“Jackie kissed me,” I finally said.
“Your ex? Did you kiss her back?”
“Not exactly… but I didn’t stop her right away. I just kind of froze up. Han saw us,” I said, the guilt in my voice 100 percent honest.
“Kenny, what the fuck?”
“I know, I know. I’m the worst.”
“Shut up. Stop that. It’s not about you. It’s about Han . Do you even want to marry him?”
“ Yes. I really, really do.”
We were both quiet for a while before Leti’s eyebrows shot up.
“Ohh, I think I see what’s going on here.”
“What?” I shook my head, trying to hide how tipsy I was.
“I mean, I think I do… I’m pretty sure I figured it out,” they said. “You and Han. You’re doing this for him, aren’t you? It’s not what you really want.”
“What? This is what I want!” I raised my voice slightly. Even though Leti was sort of right, they were wrong about me not wanting this. I wanted Han to stay, whatever it took.
“Really? Look, I’ve known you as long as Han has, and I know you tend to do things for other people and not think about yourself. But marrying someone is huge , Kenny.”
“I know…” I didn’t even try to hide the annoyance in my voice. It was like they were convinced I hadn’t even thought this through.
“You’re doing it for his citizenship, aren’t you?”
I pressed my lips together. How the hell had they figured it out so quickly? And if Leti could figure it out, who else would? I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t confirm, but I knew if I denied it Leti would see right through that, too.
“I know you’re doing Han a huge favor, but like, if you’re not sure, you need to figure that shit out. This can’t be one of those decisions you let someone else make for you. You can’t be second-guessing this. It’s not fair to either of you. Fuck. Are you sure?”
“I’m sure!” I shouted this time.
“I’m just saying. If you’re going to change your mind… it’s better now than at the altar, you know?” Leti was talking so fast, it took me a few moments to put together what they were saying.
“Wait, does anyone else know?” I asked.
“I just figured it out right now, so no.” Leti shrugged. “So, you’re marrying Han so he can stay. It’s a noble gesture, really.”
“You can’t tell anyone, please,” I said.
“No shit. I want Han here as bad as you do. We all want it to work out. Just don’t be all wishy-washy.” They pointed a finger at me. “Be sure. If you’re not sure, you need to tell him. Don’t get his hopes up for nothing. That’s fucked up.”
“I said I was sure,” I said, though considering I’d gotten caught with Jackie just now, I could imagine Leti wasn’t buying it.
“Promise me,” Leti said solemnly.
“I promise.” I nodded. “Han’s the one with the commitment problems. I don’t know why you’re worried about me .”
“Because you always do everything for other people without thinking about what you really want. But this is too big a deal for you to figure out that you don’t really want this when it’s too late. It’s like, all you want from life is to be of service. That’s no life to live.”
Leti was right. But they also weren’t. Sure, maybe I wanted to be of service. But that wasn’t why I was doing this. “Look, Han is the only person in my life who makes sure I put myself into the equation. He’s the only one who cares if I actually want to do whatever I’m doing. Of course I want to marry him. I’d do anything for him.” I felt myself getting emotional, and I couldn’t tell if it was the alcohol or the much-too-belated realization that this whole thing might not be as fake as we had originally planned.
“Oh… oh no,” Leti said.
“What?”
“You love him, don’t you?”
“I mean, yeah. Obviously.”
“No, I mean, you love him.”
“I…” I started, but I’d done my best to avoid asking myself that question this whole time. But with the answer staring me in the face, there was no way I could deny it.
“Don’t tell me. Tell him .” Leti was smiling now.
“I don’t want to complicate it. Han can’t be a rebound.”
“He’s not a rebound. You’ve known him your whole life.”
“I know, but—”
“Hey, you don’t have to figure this out with me right now. Your fiancé is waiting out there for you.” Leti winked and walked out of the room.
I fell down onto my bed and closed my eyes.
I was so fucked.