Coraline
Isit in the living room, still trying to process everything I witnessed.
I feel free and yet guilty because Merelyn’s life was collateral damage.
I haven’t stopped crying; the tears just keep falling out.
I only want to sulk and dwell in guilt in Gavin’s arms. I want to stretch out and lie beside him, and ask him to never let me go.
But I’m the reason why he has to plan a funeral.
“Gavin,” I choke up, playing with my fingers nervously—popping them one by one as I keep my vision trained on the wooden floors.
The same wooden floors we played truth or dare on.
The same room where we indulged in brain chemistry-altering, intimate sex.
The same cabin where I feel revived after being in the dark for so long.
I don’t know how to say goodbye. I don’t want to, but I must.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry I dragged you guys into this. I didn’t know Maya would do this to me.”
“I swear to fuck, Coraline,” he quips with an edge. “Don’t be sorry. None of this is your fault. I don’t want to hear it. Don’t guilt yourself,” he says from across the room. He’s standing, looking at a framed photo of him and Merelyn together fishing.
I nod, brushing away another tear with my knuckle.
“What I want to hear you say,” he turns around with reddened eyes, staring straight at me, “is that you’ll stay. Stay here with me.”
“Gavin…” I breathe, already pulling back from him. The air in the room shifts. The spark that always makes its presence known when we’re around each other doesn’t ignite.
He stalked me.
“I lost Merelyn. Don’t make me lose you, too.”
I shake my head, dropping my chin in defeat because I know what comes out of my mouth next is going to hurt him.
“Damn it, Coraline. You feel it too. I’m in love with you.”
He stands in front of me.
“I’m in the middle of a divorce. I need space and time to think.
I need to be on my own. My trust issues just upgraded a tier, and I don’t want you to fix what another man broke.
It’s not fair to you. I can give you my body, but my heart is…
” I shake my head as my vision blurs. Everything just feels like it’s too much.
“I have a lot of healing, thinking, and growing to do.”
It wouldn’t be fair to him and to me if I just ignored every sad bone in my body and the things Gavin did to get me here.
Due to the investigation, I can’t leave Sleepy Coldwater for another few days, but my parents are flying in now that they know where I am. I’m going to stay with them in a hotel and book the first flight out of here. I don’t want to leave Gavin, but I need to pull myself together. Alone.
“You don't have to do anything. I’ll wait. I’ll wait for you even if it means I get the broken parts of you. Wait with me and stay.”
“Gavin…”
He’s not listening.
I grab my bag. One of Matt’s police officers is going to take me to a hotel of my choosing.
“I have to go. You can’t make me stay here.”
“The hell I can’t. I’ll tie you up to my bed if I have to, keep fucking you until I get you pregnant.”
I scoff.
“You’re obsessed,” I clip, rising to my feet. “That isn’t love.”
“Hell yes, I am. Obsession can be love. I’ve never felt like this before, so I know it’s real.
It hurts when you don’t look at me. It hurts when you are hurting.
It hurts to say those three words, and you don’t say them back.
I’ll do anything for you. Everything that I do will be for you.
You want my heart? I’ll cut it out of my chest and give it to you.
If you want the snow to stop, I’ll take you anywhere you want to go and find the bluest beach there is.
You want me to get on my knees? I’ll find the prettiest, biggest ring I can before I’m on them.
I’ll do anything for you, sweetheart.” He grabs my hands with both of his.
He’s shaking. “Make me the wealthiest man and stay, baby.”
“Gavin! That isn’t fair!” I hiccup, as my tone heightens, slipping away from him. “I can’t! You can’t love me after only a few weeks! You stalked me! You brought me here to Alaska. You hacked my GPS to bring me to you. This is…it’s unbelievable. It wasn’t normal.”
“So you think I’m like him?” His shoulders rise and fall for a long beat. “You think I’m like my father?”
“That’s not what I meant.” I sigh. “I have to leave.”
He runs a hand through his beard.
“I’m not normal. I accepted it a long time ago. If loving you so hard, doing anything to make you mine, and doing anything to keep you happy and safe isn’t normal, then I never want to be.”
I slowly meet his penetrating gaze. The bright blue irises I could get lost in forever are doing what they always do—put me in a chokehold.
“No,” I whisper.
“You screamed my name all these nights,” he snarls low.
I start to pace around the room, holding my hand over my mouth, deep in thought. I’m breaking him. I’m trying not to fall apart myself, but he isn’t making leaving any easier. He comes up behind me, tempted to embrace me, but he holds himself back.
“Was this all in my fucking head?” he asks.
A tear rolls down my cheek as I try to hold back my sobs, but I continue to choke on them, failing miserably.
“Don’t make me answer that,” I whisper.
“Look me in my eyes and tell me you didn’t fall in love with me, too?”
I keep my vision pinned to his muscular arms. I can’t look at him.
“Stop it,” I quip. “I have to go,” I murmur somberly.
He scoffs and smiles, but it’s anything but blissful. There’s resentment and unacceptance written all over him. He walks away, his shoulders swaying as he goes. His boots thud with every indignant step. He grabs a cigarette from his pocket and leans on the wall.
“You can’t look me in the eyes, can you, sweetheart?
” he says brokenly but with forced confidence.
I shut my eyes tight as the tears continue to roll down.
I reach the front of the house and look out the window.
There’s an officer waiting in the driver’s seat for me.
I need to run. Run away and never come back here like the coward that I am.
“Promise me you’ll be okay? Promise me you won’t shut yourself out from the world?” I whisper, still unable to face him. “I don’t want you to be alone.”
He chuckles darkly, sarcasm clearly in between us.
I glance over at him and tense up. He lights a cigarette with his lighter.
He takes a drag and blows the smoke in the air, and seconds later, he's heading toward the backyard. He turns to me, his lips pressed together, with half-moon circles under his eyes, looking incredibly defeated and tired. Then he’s ambling toward me, his strides long and purposeful.
That same scent of his that drives me wild filters through my nose.
“Do it. Put a fucking end to my misery. Tell me to let you go.”
“Stop it,” I scold.
“I’ve killed for you. I’d die for you, but right now, you’re making it hard to live for you. Don’t you see? If you think I’ll ever stop loving you once you leave, you’re fucking wrong. I’ll keep watching you. I’ll keep waiting.”
“I can’t stay here.”
“Stay with me, then. Choose the quiet. Choose us.”
“Gavin…I-I don’t know what to say.” I turn around and walk further away so that I can breathe.
“Tell me, you love me.” He takes a step forward, forcing me to stop breathing.
“Tell me you can’t live without me.” Another step.
He cups my face, and I gaze into his reddened eyes. Our chests collide, and my hands hover over his, but I’m still unsure what to do.
“Or tell me to let you go.”
He pushes his face in front of mine so that our noses are touching. He closes his eyes as his brows furrow, and I clench onto his fingers like I’m trying to make him decide for me.
“Let me go,” I breathe. His entire body loosens, and he rests his forehead against mine.
My heart chips more, and I open my mouth to say something, but no words come out.
I suck in another breath just as my frown slips into a heavy pout.
The one man I thought I could trust obliterated that hope in seconds.
He gave me the push I needed to draw again—to dream, but his secrets are burying me back into darkness.
I know he’s not like Liam, but stalking me?
Pretending not to know who I truly am? Hacking my GPS?
It’s a lot for me to process, especially after what happened to Merelyn.
I’m traumatized, and yet I still ache for him.
“I don’t want to break your heart. You cannot force me to accept that everything you did to get me here was okay. This was always going to end. A winter storm doesn’t last forever.” I take a step away from him. I don’t miss the muscle underneath his eye flexing with despair.
“The lengths I’d go to keep you are limitless. If it takes a damn winter storm to keep you here with me, I’ll find a way to make it snow 365 days out of the year.” He shakes his head. “But that’s not what you want, is it?” He swings the door open and stands with one foot out. “You don’t want me?”
I don’t know what I want. That’s why I’m asking him for space, but I know it’s hurting him. I turn away, facing the tall mountains I woke up to every morning. A beautiful view that always took my breath away.
I want him. I want him so dangerously and toxic that ignoring what he did to get me here is knocking on my door, but if I cave in, it won’t be fair to him or me.
“We can be friends. Come see me sometime?”
“I’m not your fucking friend. I’ll always be greedy over you.”
“Gavin.” I breathe brokenheartedly.
“The city life isn’t for me. This is my home. Alone. Cold. And barren. This is what I’m used to.” He raises both arms, insinuating the cabin. His glassy eyes become more textured. He forces a pretend smile.
“Are you going back to him?”
My mouth gapes open. I turn to him, appalled.
“What?”
“Liam.”
“No. Hell no.”
A possessive edge flashes across his strained face.
“I should have warned you how greedy I can be, but I’ll do that now.
” He takes another drag of his cigarette.
Eyes glimmering with possessiveness. “If you let another man touch you, Coraline, I will know, and I will break his hands. If you let another man kiss you, I will cut off his tongue. If you let him have you—what I’ve licked and worshipped, I’ll destroy him. ” The muscle in his jaw tightens.
I know he’ll do it.
“Please. I beg of you. Let me go.”
“I can’t. I won’t. You’re mine. You’ll always be mine.
You’ve always been mine. Even if you’re old and grey, married to another man, living halfway across the world, past a different ocean.
Even if we don’t speak another word to each other in this lifetime, you’ll always be the one who gives me hope. ”
My throat tightens. No one has ever said words like this to me before. No one has made me laugh, smile, or feel peace like I do when I’m with him. But the tiny voice in my head tells me that he’ll get bored. He’ll get bored and see what Liam did and walk away like I was never anything.
“Do you know what it’s like to watch your family be ripped apart in front of you?” his voice trembles.
“Do you know what it’s like to watch the only family you have left die in front of you? Twice?” he roars.
His mother and now Merelyn.
Quivering, I look away.
I’m a coward.
“What if I told you that when I look at you, it feels like home?”
I shut my lids tight. I can’t look at him as he falls apart.
“I’m terrified,” I whisper. “I’m scared. I’m cautious! I’m petrified that the man I spent these past few weeks with doesn’t see anything wrong with what he did. It almost got me killed.”
The car crash. The GPS.
I open the front porch door and close it for the last time. The familiar bells chime as the cold wind blows.
Without looking at him, I mutter, “Don’t follow me. Don’t stalk me. Don’t look for me.”