CHAPTER 38 GAVIN
GAVIN
Grief. Another day going through this alone.
In the end, everyone dies. We’re a blip in time; our small molecular imprint in this world comes and goes so quickly.
Too quickly. One minute, we’re here, surviving, and then the next, we’re corpses.
In my forty years of life, I’ve realized that life is too short to spend it in fear.
Everyone has it all wrong about what it means to be rich.
It’s not about money, material things, or how big your house is.
Being wealthy is to wake up next to the love of your life.
To be rich is to sleep next to the one who makes you smile just by sitting next to them.
To find someone who will protect you and make you feel safe is a blessing.
Not everyone gets to find their soulmate.
That’s what being rich means to me. It’s in the memories, showing up for each other, and encouragement when times get rough.
She made me laugh.
She made me see the world differently.
She made me see that life is still worth living.
I stare at my phone screen. Drunk. Numb.
Yearning and craving to hear her voice again.
Coraline doesn’t want anything to do with me.
It fucking hurts. Sitting on my porch, I stare at the sun setting on the March sky.
The air is still cold, but I can’t feel it on my flesh.
I can’t feel anything but dread since she left me.
Spring is around the corner, one of my favorite times of the year, because it means more animals will shed their antlers.
A rock forms in my throat.
Coraline.
I want to go shed hunting, go back to my regular scheduled programming as a lonely broken man with a routine that keeps me sane…but I can’t do it anymore. Not when I don’t have her next to me to help hold them while I collect and search. I want to hear about her next art piece.
I’m in love.
This is the first time I’ve fallen in love.
It’s love because even though I’m angry, hurt, and broken, I still want her to be happy. I’m still grateful for everything we shared, and her absence has left a hole inside me that nothing and no one will fill.
It was fast for me because I had known about her a long time before she knew me.
Coraline fell in love with me, too. I know she did. I felt it.
Holding a bottle of whiskey, I stare at the amber liquid still in my all-black suit, which I wore from visiting Merelyn’s resting place today.
When we buried her, Matt and Georgia were the only ones in attendance besides me.
I wished things were different. I wanted Coraline there. Merelyn fell in love with her, too.
I feel like I’m going insane without her. I have to grieve Merelyn and also go through Cora slipping through my fingers.
The only time I see her now is in my dreams. So I drink, and I drink until I pass out just so I can see her—every day since she’s left. Before I know what I’m doing, I dial her number without looking it up, because I have it memorized. I want to say things I didn’t get to say when she was here.
I hope she didn’t change numbers.
It rings and rings while my heart pumps out of my tight chest. What the hell do I do when she answers? I’m already losing my train of thought. The whole world is blurry. I’m too drunk for this. I didn’t think it through. My knee bounces anxiously, my fingers sweating, making my cell phone slippery.
“Hi, you’ve reached Coraline. I’m not available at the moment, but please leave a message, and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can!”
Beep.
Her beautiful, soft voice.
I’m so choked up hearing it again, I forget why I called in the first place. So, I stay seated, with the phone to my ear, and look at the mountains until my head clears again.
“Hey.”
I focus on the snow in front of me as silence envelopes me again.
“It’s been almost two months since we laid Merelyn to rest.”
It’s also been about two months since I last felt okay—since I last felt like the sun wasn’t the only thing in this world to brighten my days.
I shut my eyes tight, feeling lost, but I continue. I’m already here, and it’s already recording.
Get your shit together, Gavin.
“I’m going to say it. I miss you, sweetheart.” My shoulders rise and fall. “I told you when you were here that I would share the story of my injury, but I guess I never got a chance to, so I’ll do it now.”
My whole body trembles as I go back into my past and replay one of the most painful days of my life.
“I was thirty-three years old on a deployment. I was close friends with my superior. Long story short, I took a bomb for him. He had a mama who wrote him a letter every day. A brother and sister who would send him weekly care packages. A father who would remind him he was there for him for anything he needed. He had a family. So when I saw he was about to step on an IED, I pushed him out of the way. He fell and survived with minor injuries, and I…well, I lost my leg. I would make the same choice again. I was ready to die that day. I had no one when he had a whole family waiting for him. I was going to make sure he came back home to them.”
I take another gulp of whiskey.
“You know what I keep thinking to myself, sweetheart? I want to tell you about the day I first met you. Reasonably so. I know you’re angry and confused, but I want to be clear about my feelings for you, if I wasn’t before.
I’ve been yearning for you every day and every night since I first saw you.
It was a rainy day in Northern California.
I took the first flight out with little to no planning.
I just wanted to see my favorite person in person.
I don’t do shit like this. I don’t go to concerts to see my favorite band.
I don’t go to basketball games to watch my favorite team play.
I don’t travel to see my favorite place.
But I wanted to see you. The brilliant dreamer and mastermind behind the brush and pencil.
” I suck in a breath, my throat thickening.
“Beautiful. That nine-letter word was all I could think about when my eyes landed on you for the first time. You looked so beautiful doing what you loved. It took my fucking breath away. I couldn’t move.
I couldn’t do anything but look at you. And when a thought finally did cross my mind, I realized that I had to have you.
I want to go back to that day all the time and wish I could go up to you like a normal man would and ask you out on a date…
but it would have been a lie. I could never worship you the way a nice man would.
So I stayed away, paralyzed from your presence.
I was shocked that I didn’t realize I was spilling my coffee all over myself.
” I chuckle lightly but force the fleeting good feeling in my chest away.
“Someone handed me a napkin.” I stare at the screen, realizing it’s already five minutes long.
I could go on forever, but I’ll keep it short.
“I kept thinking to myself, I’m one lucky man just to be in the same room as you.
You were standing next to your husband and friends.
” I grit my teeth at the thought of those miserable people around her.
They were disguised as supportive people, but on the inside, they were snakes.
“Every single painting you did was mesmerizing. I couldn’t fucking choose, so I bought them all.
I didn’t want anyone else to have them. It was like finding gold amongst stars.
That night on the plane home, I realized something.
I was done yearning. I didn’t want to long for you.
I didn’t want to feel like you weren’t within my reach.
I didn’t want to think about all the things I would do and say to you if you were mine.
No, sweetheart. I was going to take a chance. ”
I press the red button.