Chapter Ten
ARLO
Twenty-eight – May
Of course I fucking went there again.
I lasted a grand total of three weeks before I was back on my knees for Jack.
Once again, I promised myself it was the last time. That I wasn’t going to make things any more complicated between us than they already were.
Then I’d wake up frustrated, memories of Jack haunting my dreams. Next thing I knew, I was crawling under his duvet and waking Jack with my mouth.
I entered a seemingly never-ending cycle of desperation, pleasure and self-loathing. No matter how much I vowed never to do it again, it only took the smallest inconvenience to have me caving. Before long, barely a day was passing without me shoving at Jack’s trousers and taking him into my mouth.
Jack’s behaviour after each encounter brought a whole new meaning to the phrase ‘killing with kindness.’
Because he was kind. He checked on me each time, making sure he hadn’t been too rough. He wiped my face and fetched me glasses of water. He’d help me stand, making jokes about investing in knee pads as he brushed off my trousers.
I hated it.
I hated the efficient way he cleaned me up. How he checked in on how I was feeling physically. Hated how businesslike it all seemed, as if we’d both taken part in a mutually beneficial transaction.
Which, to Jack, we had.
He never asked how I was doing emotionally.
No, as soon as the deed was done, he’d return to our usual status quo like nothing had happened.
He didn’t seem affected in the slightest. If I’d been hoping he was having some late bi-awakening, I was sorely mistaken.
There was a big difference between getting hard during a blowjob and actually being attracted to a man.
Jack never reciprocated. Never touched me anywhere other than my hair or face. Never suggested us doing anything other than what we already were.
For someone who seemed to know me better than I knew myself, Jack was completely oblivious to the fact that he was breaking my heart. These small moments with him were a tantalising reminder of what I wanted but could never have.
I knew I should put a stop to it, but Jack was an addiction I couldn’t quit.
The truth was, I didn’t want to stop.
As much as my heart was hurting, my body was fucking thrilled to finally be intimate with the man I’d desired for so long. There was no way I was strong enough to say no to getting off with Jack with such regularity.
There was also that tiny burning hope, hidden in the deepest recess of my mind, that maybe eventually Jack might see me differently. That maybe he’d wake up one day and realise he wanted more with me.
Didn’t say it was a smart hope. That was why it was banished to the dark place were secrets never to be confessed were kept.
It had got to the point where I didn’t even care where we were. I’d sucked Jack off in the backs of limos, in empty studios, and even once in a bathroom at Luca’s.
I was amazed Jack indulged me in any of those places, to be honest. After the dressing down he’d given me about getting off in public, I was surprised he went along with it.
The whole thing was so unlike Jack, and not just because he was apparently straight. It was like he’d forgotten all about the fact that I was his client. I lived in fear of the day he remembered.
Personally, I thought Jack just couldn’t say no to me. Something I both loved and loathed.
Loved, because it showed he cared.
Loathed, because he was only doing this to make me happy. Not because he actually wanted me.
With the pressure from Kevin and the label increasing, I found myself seeking Jack out with alarming frequency. While I was on my knees for him, I could ignore their constant criticisms of everything from my hair to song ideas I’d put forward.
Luca, Kai and Silas had my back at every turn, which was probably why the label had started setting up solo meetings.
I’d known for a long time that I didn’t have as much…presence as the others in the band. I didn’t go to as many events or give as many interviews. Ad campaigns and sponsorship opportunities weren’t on my radar. It was something that had irritated the higher ups for a long time.
Basically, they weren’t making as much money off me as they were the others. Now, they’d decided enough was enough. Every meeting was them pitching various ‘opportunities’ to me while making veiled comments about how I wasn’t ‘pulling my weight.’
Even my agent was in on it, knowing it was his pockets that’d be lined too.
Part of me wanted to say yes, just to make them back the fuck off, but how could I? Even with my medication and therapy, I had enough on my plate just trying to keep up with the responsibilities that came with being part of Caffeine Daydreams.
Jack had pushed me to tell the others, to pull Luca or Silas aside and let them know what was going on. I knew I should have, but there was this niggling voice in my head that I couldn’t silence.
What if they already know?
What if they were pissed off that I wasn’t doing as much as them? Were they looking to replace me with someone who could turn a higher profit for everyone involved?
It wasn’t like I contributed anything unique. Drummers were ten a penny. If a position came open, they’d have a queue of talent as long as The Mall waiting to fill it.
I’d just stormed out of a particularly tough meeting, sailing straight past Jack and down the corridor towards the exit.
Jack wasn’t allowed in these meetings either now. Not after he’d tried to intercede on my behalf one too many times. Wasn’t like I could insist he come in with me. Kevin had made it clear he didn’t like how close Jack and I were. He’d actually suggested replacing him more than once.
Jack was the one thing I was immovable on. I’d compromise on anything else they wanted to throw at me, but not him. Never him.
My head was noisy as I stalked along the corridor. Shouts of not being good enough intermingled with the comments from the meeting.
“You’re so lucky to be in the band, Arlo.”
“It’s not fair on the others.”
“When are you going to grow up and be useful?”
Something inside me felt like it had come loose, like my whole sense of self was untethered and spiralling.
I needed it to stop. I needed to feel grounded.
I needed Jack.
A cleaner exited a cupboard up ahead, pulling a loaded trolley along with them.
Waiting until the coast was clear, I grabbed Jack’s wrist and hauled him inside.
“Arlo, what—?”
I ignored him, closing the door behind us and rounding on him. My hands went to his belt as I backed him up against the wall.
“Arlo, we can’t do this here.”
I yanked his belt free, unbuttoning his trousers and reaching in to palm him. Despite his protests, he was half-hard already. “I need this. Please.”
“Arlo,” he repeated in a low voice, giving a low hiss as I pulled him free. “This is too dangerous. Can’t you wait until we’re home?”
I shook my head, tears welling in my eyes as the voices got louder and louder. “No. Please, Jack. Please give me this. I need my head quiet. Please.”
Jack put a finger under my chin and lifted until our eyes met. Whatever he saw there had his expression turning stony. “What did they say to you?”
Shaking my head again, I swallowed back my tears. “I don’t want to talk about it. Not yet. After?”
Jack sighed, his hands moving his trousers out of the way for me. “Okay, but I’m holding you to that.”
Grateful he wasn’t pushing it, I fell to my knees way too fast. Pain ricocheted up my thighs from the impact with the hard floor, but I didn’t care. I couldn’t think about anything other than taking Jack into my mouth and forgetting anything else existed.
There was no finesse or build-up. I took him in way too fast, choking as I went. It didn’t stop me. No, I just went deeper, sucked harder.
The familiar taste of him settled me, his fingers in my hair giving me the tether I so desperately craved.
Finally. The voices were quieting. All my problems melted into nothing during these few minutes—these moments when I could pretend Jack and I were more than we were.
I treasured them all the more because I knew they weren’t real. This fragile thing between us couldn’t last.
But I was going to make the most of it while it did.
“Arlo,” Jack groaned, his hips rocking forward. “Yes, baby. Just like that.”
I squeezed my eyes shut against the hot tears, the way I always did when Jack slipped like this. He didn’t intend for me to take these endearments to heart. He didn’t know hearing them threw salt on my already bleeding wounds.
Just then, I heard something worse. Something far more horrific than the sound of Jack calling me “baby.”
The sound of the door opening behind me.
Light filled the space, no doubt illuminating exactly what I was doing to Jack.
“Shit,” Jack swore as I pulled away from him, my heart in my throat. “Kevin, it’s not what it looks like.”
Kevin.
The whole world seemed to tilt to the right. No, no, no.
Harsh words were being exchanged over my head, but my brain couldn’t process them. I couldn’t focus on anything except the loud buzzing in my ears.
Suddenly my face was lying against cold linoleum. I gasped for air, small pinpricks filling my vision. Jack’s voice rumbled in the air around me. He was kneeling beside me, his hand in my hair again. Now though, his touch was comforting instead of commanding.
Fuck. Would he ever touch me that way again?
When my vision finally cleared, there was no light showing from the doorway. Jack and I were alone once more.
“It’s okay,” Jack was murmuring, stroking my hair continuously. “It’s going to be okay.”
“How?” I asked, my voice cracking. “Everything’s fucked, Jack.”
He helped me sit up until my back was resting against the shelving. “I’ll fix it.”
“You can’t fix this.” I rubbed at my eyes with the sleeve of my hoodie as hot tears spilled over. “They’re looking for a reason to fire me, and I’ve just handed them one on a silver fucking platter.”
Jack was crouched in front of me, arms braced on his knees. “They won’t fire you for this.”
I laughed bitterly. “You haven’t been in the meetings, Jack. They’ve been clear I’m on wafer thin ice. I won’t toe the line, so they want me out. I’m replaceable—something they’ve pointed out to me many times.”
“You’re not replaceable, Arlo.” I looked up at the fierceness in Jack’s voice. “Not to me. Not to your bandmates. Certainly not to the fans.”
I wished I could believe him. The truth was that the fans’ love was fickle.
Sure, they might protest over my departure, but soon enough their affections would transfer to the new guy.
After a while my name would be nothing more than an entry under ‘Previous Members’ on the Caffeine Daydreams Wiki page.
Even my friends would move on. Kevin had told me time and again that they too were sick of me not pulling my weight.
I’d never raised it with the others. I couldn’t. What if it was true? What if that was how they really felt?
It wouldn’t have surprised me. I’d always been a failure. Always been the one who wasn’t wanted.
It was why I stayed quiet. It was a truth I’d rather avoid.
“I fucked it all up,” I sobbed. “What do I have without the band, Jack? Nothing. Fucking nothing, that’s what. I’m gonna end up back on the estate, rotting away with everyone else. Dad always said I was a screwup, and he was right. How could I have been so stupid? Stupid, stupid, fucking stupid.”
I didn’t realise my fist was slamming into the floor until Jack grabbed my arm. “Arlo, stop. You’ll hurt yourself.”
Shit, he was right. Pain radiated from my knuckles all the way up to my elbow. “I’m a mess. I ruin everything.”
Jack sighed. He didn’t let go of my hand, just pulled it between both of his. “This isn’t your fault. It’s mine. I should never have let this happen.”
I let my head drop back, my eyes closing as bitterness rolled over me. “See? Even that proves it’s my fault. You didn’t want any of this. You only did it because of me.”
Jack was silent for a long time. Was he only just realising this? Did he hate me now too?
“It’s okay. I’ll explain to them all that it’s my fault,” I said heavily when I couldn’t bear the silence any longer.
“You’ll do no such thing,” Jack snapped.
My eyes flew open to see him on his feet, storm clouds on his face as he stared down at me. “What?”
“You’re going to go home and not worry about this,” he said quietly. “Nothing is going to happen to your place in the band. The others won’t allow you to be fired, and neither will I.”
I scrambled to my feet, a sense of foreboding choking me. “What are you going to do?”
Something flashed over his face, something uncertain, something new.
Then he did something he’d never done before.
He leaned forwards and brushed his lips over my cheek.
His touch was there and gone in a flash, but my skin burned liked he’d branded me.
“I’m going to fix it, Arlo, no matter what. I promised I’ll always protect you, and that’s what I’m going to do.”
Then he was gone, leaving me alone in a cupboard, a hand pressed to my cheek.
What the fuck had just happened?