Chapter 18
Chapter Eighteen
JACK
“You’re not going to find the answer at the bottom of that glass.”
I grunted, not looking up at Will as he slipped onto the stool next to me.
I studied his profile from the corner of my eye, trying to work out why he was here. I had nothing. Fucker was just as talented at hiding his true feelings as I was. The difference between us was that I hid mine behind a scowl; Will hid his behind a smile.
Instead I turned my attention to his appearance. His hair was a mess, his clothes clearly ones he’d been in all day. Which meant he wasn’t here to pull, but had likely drawn the short straw to be the one to give me a thorough talking to.
Fun times.
I’d wondered how long they’d all let me wallow in my misery before trying to make me snap out of it. I’d joined Phoenix, taking on every job possible in the hope they’d distract me from the fucking mess that was my life.
Outside of that though, I kept to myself. Usually in a bar.
If I drank at home, I’d be tempted to message Arlo. Here, at least, I could watch all the other couples together and remember why it was such a terrible idea. Remind myself that I couldn’t be what he needed.
There was also the slimmest chance that Arlo might one day walk through the door. Not that I’d approach him. But at least I’d be able to lay eyes on him in real life, as opposed to watching endless videos of him on the internet.
Like I said, my life was a fucking mess.
I’d known the others wouldn’t let me continue this cycle forever, so Will turning up tonight wasn’t really a surprise. Better him than Alex or Corey. Alex had the patience of a gnat, while Corey seemed to have lost all his emotions the day Mike died.
Will was definitely the lesser evil. Still, I glared at him as he smiled genially at River and placed his order.
Yep, I’d been here often enough to learn the bartender’s name. He was the one who’d called me out for eye-fucking Arlo all those years ago. Fortunately, he’d learned not to mention Arlo’s name and to keep me supplied with a steady stream of Lagavulin.
Until he decided to be a killjoy and cut me off.
We’d become almost…friends. Which in itself was depressing. The only new relationships I was able to form involved copious amounts of alcohol and someone being paid to be polite to me.
“I’ll have another,” I grunted, shoving the glass at River.
“Nope,” River and Will said simultaneously before exchanging conspiratorial grins.
“You’ve had enough.” River slung his towel over his shoulder. “Your friend here is right—you’re not going to find the answer you’re seeking at the bottom of a glass.”
I glared at him mulishly. “Does the drink cost cover the life advice?”
River winked. “Nah, that’s on the house.”
Will watched him saunter away, a hungry gleam in his eyes. “Is he single?”
“Nope.” I waved in the direction of the auburn-haired behemoth. “That’s his bloke. He’s pretty territorial too, so you might wanna look elsewhere.”
“Figures,” Will muttered, sipping his beer and turning his back to the bar. “So. Third night in a gay club this week.”
I stiffened at the implication. “They serve good Scotch.”
“Are you here to hook up?”
“Nope.”
Will nudged me in the side. “Hey, no judgement. And if you’re not comfortable telling me you’ve officially boarded the rainbow train, that’s also cool.”
“It’s not that,” I hedged. I hadn’t actually discussed my…difficulties with the others. As far as they were aware, the reason I hadn’t taken anyone home was because I was still hung up on Arlo.
Which, granted, was true. But they didn’t know it went deeper than that. That despite the clinical way I’d treated Arlo during those blowjobs in an attempt to keep some boundaries in place, it was still the best sex I’d ever had.
“What is it then?”
Fuck it. The whisky had fogged my mind enough to think that confiding in Will was a great idea. “I’m broken.”
He stared at me for a few seconds, his red curls falling over his forehead in such a similar way to Arlo’s that I had to look away. “Broken? How?”
The room swayed slightly as I gestured at my crotch. Perhaps River had been right to cut me off. “As in, my cock doesn’t work. I mean, I can get it up and everything. Have sex…most of the time. But it always sucks. And lately, I can only get hard if I’m alone. I’m fucking broken.”
“Yeah, I need a shot for this,” Will said, gesturing to River.
Once he’d necked the tequila, he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and turned back to me.
“Okay, let’s do this. First, even if you felt no sexual attraction to anyone ever, you’re not broken.
You’re likely asexual, and there’s nothing wrong with that. ”
My mouth opened and closed. Asexual. I’d been too hung up on the main letters in the rainbow alphabet to consider the others.
Was I asexual?
Will tapped his fingers as he studied me. “You’ve had sex, right?”
“I just said I have,” I grumbled. “Not that it was worth it. Have a better time when I’m on my own.”
“Always? There hasn’t been anyone you’ve enjoyed sleeping with?”
Arlo. On his knees. Lips stretched around my cock. Looking up at me from under his thick, dark lashes. Tears streaming down his face as he chokes on my length.
“No.”
“Not even Arlo?”
“We didn’t have sex.” My automatic response earned me a clip around the ear from Will. “Ow, what’s that for?”
“It’s me trying to knock some sense into that thick skull. Did he touch you? Were orgasms achieved in his presence?”
“Well, yeah…”
“Well nothing,” Will said firmly. “You had sex.”
“You don’t understand,” I said, huffing in frustration. “I barely touched him. He’d get me off to feel calm and that was all it was. It was nothing more than a tr—”
“If you say transaction, I’ll wallop you for real,” Will warned darkly. “You might have a foot on me both in height and width, but I’ll have you on your arse before you can blink.”
He didn’t need to remind me. Wouldn’t be the first time he’d done it and likely wouldn’t be the last. You wouldn’t think it to look at Will, with his smaller frame and quick smile, but he was a scary motherfucker when provoked.
I’d seen him walk into a literal war zone with nothing more than a knife, and stroll back out with the hostage under his arm and a grin on his lips.
I held up my hands in surrender.
“Don’t degrade what you had,” Will continued, his intense gaze piercing me. “That’s disrespectful to Arlo and you.”
“Sorry,” I muttered, wishing I could have another drink. I knew better than to try though. River never caved. “It’s just…it’s difficult to think that we had sex.”
“Why? Because he’s a bloke?”
I rolled my eyes. “No. Don’t be a fucking idiot. Because he’s Arlo. Crossing that line with him, then betraying him the way I did…”
“We’ve been over this,” Will reminded me. “You didn’t betray him. Kevin had you over a fucking barrel. You didn’t have a choice. Arlo would understand.”
No. He wouldn’t. It was bad enough that he thought I’d chosen my job over him, but that was better than the truth.
“So, you enjoyed being with Arlo?”
I thought about lying, but Will’s comment about not degrading what we had was still ringing in my ears. “Yeah. More than I think I realised at the time.”
“And when you get off now, is it him you think of? Those times that you picture?”
I levelled a glare at him. “That’s none of your fucking business.”
“Believe me, I’d rather be discussing anything other than this right now, but I have a theory that I think might be able to help you.”
I ground my teeth together. “Yes, okay? It’s always Arlo.”
“In that case, I’d say you need to go research what it means to be demisexual.”
Okay, that one I definitely hadn’t heard of. “Hit me with highlights.”
“People who are demisexual often need an emotional connection before they feel a sexual attraction.”
It was like there was a cartoon record scratch in my head. I’d said labels didn’t matter, but now that I had one that felt like me?
Yeah. Suddenly it fucking mattered.
“You doing okay there?” Will patted my thigh. “You kinda look like your brain is melting out of your ears.”
“Fuck, I shouldn’t have drunk so much whisky,” I said, leaning my head in my hands and wishing I’d stayed sober so my brain could properly process this information. “So you’re saying my attraction to Arlo won’t suddenly go away over time?”
“Wait, is that why you’re not with him?”
I shifted uncomfortably on my seat. “Part of it, yeah.”
Will growled. “What the fuck, man? Even if you didn’t want sex at all, I’m certain Arlo would still want to be with you.”
I got to my feet unsteadily, grateful when Will caught my arm to steady me. “It’s not the only reason I’m not with him though.”
“But what if you told Arlo about Kevin and he didn’t hate you for it?” Will raised a brow. “You could be at his house right now, living happily alongside the love of your life. Are you really throwing away that possibility because you think you know better?”
I didn’t bother denying what Will said about loving Arlo. I’d known for a long time that that’s what this feeling was. It’d just taken me way longer than necessary to realise I loved him in a different way from anyone else.
Will threw some money on the bar before hurling one more truth bomb in my direction.
“The Jack I know isn’t a fucking coward.
He’s cautious, yes, but that never stopped him going after what he wanted in the past. Now, are you gonna be the man I know you are?
Or are you gonna keep wasting your life missing him? ”
He didn’t give me a chance to respond, just strolled away, leaving me reeling in his wake.
Was Will right? Was I being a coward?
I didn’t know how long I stayed there, staring at nothing. Every scenario I’d considered ended up with Arlo hating me, or being with me and being disappointed that I wasn’t what he expected.
For the first time, I allowed myself to consider an alternative future.
One where I threw myself at his feet. Where I confessed everything and begged him to forgive me.
Where I explained that I didn’t know what my sexuality was, but if Arlo was willing to stand at my side while I figured it out, I’d be the best damned partner he could ever wish for.
Could I do that? Would he forgive me? Did he still want me?
I wouldn’t know unless I tried.
First, I was going to sober up. Then I was going to research the fuck out of everything Will had told me.
Arlo might never give me another chance, but we’d lost so much fucking time because of my pigheadedness and cowardice.
I wasn’t losing another day.
Jack
Can we talk?
I was sat in the conference room at Phoenix, an untouched cup of coffee and a pastry beside me. My phone was in my hands, my body held in the exact same position it’d been since I’d pressed send on the message to Arlo, eighty-two minutes ago.
After Will’s intervention a week ago, I’d done little else but think about what he’d said. I’d researched what it meant to be demisexual, relief growing with every article I read as each one cemented my beliefs.
This is what I am.
I’d also written a hundred pros and cons lists, tossing each one aside. No matter how you looked at it, the answer was always the same.
The pro was that I might end up with Arlo in my life again.
The con was that he might tell me to go fuck myself.
I’d drafted even more messages to him than I had pros and cons lists. Ones that outlined the ways I’d fucked up. How I’d betrayed him with Kevin. My new realisation about my sexuality. My hopes and dreams for the future.
As with the lists though, I’d scrapped all of them. Shit at this I might be, but even I was aware that this wasn’t the kind of stuff you sent via text message. It needed to be face to face.
Arlo deserved nothing less.
I wasn’t going to force my presence on him by showing up unexpectedly. I’d crossed so many of his boundaries already, and I wasn’t prepared to do it again.
That was why I’d settled on a simple request to talk. I wasn’t sure what response I’d been expecting, but radio silence hadn’t been it.
Eighty-three minutes.
The message had shown as read almost instantly. Little bubbles had popped up and disappeared so many times that I’d lost count. But nothing had come through.
It took another agonising twenty-one minutes, but eventually a response came through.
Arlo
I don’t think that’s a good idea. Nothing more can be said that won’t lead to more hurt for me.
My heart sank. I knew he thought that, but he didn’t know the truth. He didn’t know what I’d been hiding. I didn’t want to do this over text, but if it was the only way to get him to speak to me, I was going to have to.
Jack
I’m so fucking sorry for everything I’ve put you through.
I’ll regret how I treated you until the end of my days.
I don’t deserve any of your time, but I’m going to ask for it anyway.
Please give me a chance to explain. There’s no excusing how I acted, but you deserve to know the truth behind why I did it.
Please, Arlo. One hour of your time, and if at the end of it you never want me to contact you again, I swear I’ll honour that.
I hit send and my whole body immediately went numb.
The message turned green, not blue.
Arlo had blocked me.
Unable to believe it, I pressed the button to call him. The beeping in my ear told me my fate.
Arlo had given me so much time to be honest with him. Chance after fucking chance, and I’d wasted all of them.
Now I was too late.
The walls felt too close. I needed to leave. Needed to get outside where I could breathe.
Before my hand touched the door, it swung open to reveal my three friends and business partners.
“Oh good, you’re here,” Alex said briskly, striding into the room. With his styled raven hair and refined features, he was the only one of us who looked at home in a conference room. “We’ve got something important to discuss.”
“Actually, I was just leaving.”
“You’re going to want to hear this,” Alex said, taking a seat at the table while Corey and Will followed suit. It was only then that I clocked the expression on their faces. A mixture of grim and sympathetic, it could only mean one thing.
They knew something I didn’t, and whatever it was, I wasn’t going to like it.