Chapter 19
Chapter Nineteen
Ella
I couldn't control my instincts around Lucas.
When he dropped to his knees and buried his face in my lap, whispering apologies over and over, I heard something inside me—the dam I'd called reason—start to crack.
This man, who was always cold, always untouchable, was showing me his love in the most vulnerable way possible.
"I'm sorry, Ella." His voice came muffled against my skirt. "I know I haven't been good enough. But please, give me one more chance. I swear I'll change."
My body went rigid as a board. I'd gotten used to him looking at me like I was merchandise. Used to him barking orders like a tyrant. But I'd never seen him this fragile. Never seen him need me.
"Since you left, my family's falling apart." His breath seeped hot through the fabric to my thigh. "Grandfather doesn't even yell at me anymore. He just sits in his study in silence. Without you, the manor's just a fancy tomb."
I sat on the couch, watching Lucas in the dim glow from the streetlight outside.
Rain had started—when, I didn't know. The light was murky as the bottom of a well, making Lucas look like a cornered animal.
His hair was messy, his shirt collar open.
He looked up at me with those gray-blue eyes gone red and raw with pain.
It hit me like a punch. My voice came out hoarse. "Why didn't you ever tell me any of this?"
"Because I was a hopeless asshole." Lucas cupped my face, confessing, "I didn't know how to tell you how much you mattered. Didn't know how to show it. But these past weeks made it crystal clear—how important you are to me."
My heart slammed against my ribs. I'd told myself to hate him, to run far away. But when he bent to kiss the tears from my lashes, my body betrayed my brain. My resolve melted in his warm palms that smelled faintly of tobacco.
Lucas felt me give in. He'd always known how my body responded. He scooped me up and carried me toward the cramped bedroom. Smaller than his walk-in closet back at the Manhattan manor, but right now the air was thick enough to choke on.
He laid me on the narrow bed like I was fragile porcelain.
As our clothes peeled away, as my skin pressed against his burning body, I shivered.
He kissed every inch of me, careful to avoid the IV mark on my hand.
He'd never cared about my feelings before. He used to love barging into the bedroom at night, venting his work stress by practically drilling through me.
But this Lucas was different.
He didn't rush. Instead, his fingers caressed with unbearable gentleness, turning my nerves to putty. I almost drowned in his tenderness.
Until a faint cramp twisted through my lower abdomen. I jolted awake.
"No, Lucas." I gripped his shoulders, breathless but firm. "Stop."
I thought of last night's bleeding.
Fear slammed into me. I pushed against his chest, terrified he'd lose control again.
His Adam's apple bobbed hard. Something flickered in those gray-blue eyes—struggle.
"I know, Ella. I just want to hold you." His voice was sandpaper rough, barely restrained.
The bed sank as he rolled onto his side, his rigid cock pressing against my hip, grinding gently but not pushing in.
His arm locked tight across my chest, his nose buried in my neck.
We were pressed so close I felt his heart hammering against my spine.
I could feel how much restraint was costing him.
"You need to leave." I sighed, forcing my voice cold.
Lucas went stiff.
"Why?" he mumbled against my neck, sulking like a kid whose candy got snatched away. He licked my neck, as if that would satisfy him.
I couldn't take it anymore. I didn't dare think what might happen if this night continued. Maybe he'd snap. Maybe I would.
"Overnight guests require advance notice to the dorm manager." I pulled the blanket over the bottom half of my face. "I don't want to pay fines or deal with neighbor complaints."
"Ella." His voice carried something close to pleading.
Obviously, he saw right through that excuse.
"Lucas, I need space." I closed my eyes, refusing to look at that devastating face.
I had to make him leave. For the sake of that barely-formed child in my belly, I couldn't fall again.
"Ella, it's pouring outside." Lucas frowned, trying to bargain. "I can bribe the manager. Or I'll sleep on the couch."
Raining?
I held my breath and listened. Sure enough—the patter of rain.
I hadn't realized I'd been so lost in him I'd missed the weather changing.
"Go, Lucas." I turned away ruthlessly, giving him my back. "If we keep holding each other like this, neither of us will sleep. I'm still sick. I need rest."
I heard his heavy sigh, then the rustle of him dressing. At the door, he lingered, asking quietly, "What's wrong with you?"
"Nothing serious. Doctor said I'm fine." I clutched the blanket, not daring to look up, downplaying it as much as possible to keep him from digging deeper. I was terrified that if he knew about the baby, my fragile peace would shatter again.
Lucas's gaze stayed on me from the doorway, but I never turned around. Not until I heard the heavy thud of the door closing. Then I let out a huge breath.
A minute or two later, I sprang from bed like a wound-up toy, bare feet hitting the floor as I rushed to the window.
In the sickly yellow glow of the streetlight below, I watched Lucas push through the building door straight into the downpour.
He didn't run to his car parked in the distance.
Didn't ask the manager for an umbrella. Just walked, impossibly slow, letting the rain soak through his expensive custom shirt in seconds. The wet fabric clung to his broad back.
He stopped and looked up at my lit window through the rain, standing there for a long time while cold water streamed down his face. Through that dense curtain of rain, I couldn't read his expression, but I felt something radiating from him I'd never felt before—complete bewilderment.
But I steeled myself and yanked the curtain shut.
I lay in bed, staring at the cracks in the ceiling. His faint tobacco scent lingered. His body heat still warmed the sheets.
I closed my eyes, but my mind stayed sharp.
Get a grip, Ella.
You can't erase two years of cold violence because of one apology, one kiss.
Lucas came back because he'd never been abandoned before. He was just chasing prey that got away.
Obviously. That was the only explanation. Men always chase novelty.
I could enjoy his affection, but I couldn't love him again.
For my sake, for the baby's sake, I had to stay clear-headed and controlled.
I don't know when I fell asleep. A phone ring woke me, 3 AM on the screen.
"Ms. Bruce, your sister's condition has deteriorated." The nurse sounded panicked. "She's in a deep coma. Her numbers are crashing. The doctor suggests you come immediately."
My brain went blank. My heart felt crushed in a giant fist.
I threw on clothes, overpaid for a taxi, and urged the driver to speed the whole way.
When I reached the hospital, I was soaked through, hair dripping.
I didn't care. I ran straight to the ICU.
I stood before those heavy automatic doors, hands shaking as I signed a stack of critical condition notices under the nurse's prompting.
Then I was led to a changing room—blue protective suit, mask digging into my face, goggles. Only then was I allowed into the room.
Maya was covered in tubes. The monitors flashed wild numbers.
My eyes nearly fell out. The goggles fogged with tears.
This was my fault.
If I hadn't brought her away from Manhattan, she could've lasted longer in that top-tier sanatorium.
If I hadn't hemorrhaged, Maya wouldn't have gotten worse from shock and fear.
"Maya, please wake up," I whispered against the glass, tears soaking my mask. I remembered graduation day—coming home with my acceptance letter to find my sister collapsed on the kitchen floor, face blue-purple.
I couldn't imagine her gone. How shattered my life would become.
"Ella."
Someone called my name. I turned. Lucas stood there.
"What are you doing here?" I froze completely, forgot to breathe.
"The hospital notified me." He looked at me with complicated tenderness I couldn't read. "Remember? Your sister's my sister too. When I updated Saint Heart Sanatorium's records, I added myself to Maya's emergency contacts."
I stared into Lucas's bloodshot eyes, feeling something like fate.
"Don't worry. Even if it takes everything I have, I'll make sure Maya gets better." Lucas gripped my hand hard. "I'm always here."
Tears spilled over again.
Why.
No matter how far I ran, my life would always be tangled with Lucas.
Maya was. The child in my belly was, too.
He'd brought me despair before. And when I sank into new despair, he was the one offering company and help.
What was I supposed to do with him?