Chapter 14 #2
He eyes me again and that damn grin is back. “Oh, you’re definitely my type,” he says, reaching across the table. With his hand he smooths my hair down and tucks it behind my ears, then sits back again. “But us fucking is not a good idea.”
Again, I should feel relieved. But instead it’s more of the acute sting of rejection.
Ryan
Shit. I never should have said that. Brandon looks completely crestfallen. He thinks he’s hiding it, but he’s not. But it’s not what he thinks. It’s not because I’m not attracted to him. I am wildly into him.
So what’s the problem? The problem is he’s my teammate. And as much as I’d like to explore this, to see if having sex with him could get these conflicting feelings I’m having to become clearer, he’s still my teammate. Screwing a teammate is a line that shouldn’t be crossed.
But then again, Gavin and Connor did it, and look how that turned out.
Sure, one of the oldest franchises in the league completely imploded, but the two of them seem happy.
Not that they advertise it. They certainly don’t seem miserable, that’s for sure.
But I can’t run that risk with the Mules.
We’re finally taking huge strides towards being a team the league takes seriously.
The last thing we need is a big gay controversy to derail all our progress.
“Look,” I say, gently. “It’s not that I wouldn’t want to. But we can’t, you know…”
“Risk it,” he finishes for me.
“Exactly. I mean, if we make the playoffs, there’s still a lot of season left.”
“And I only just got here.”
“Then what do we do after the season?”
“Right,” he says. Now he’s starting to come around. His tone is picking up and some of the color has returned to his adorable, kissable face.
Goddamn it.
“And who knows if I’ll even be back here next season. I could get sent down to the AHL.”
“You won’t be,” I assure him as I always do.
“But yes, that’s a valid point.” Except it isn’t.
Because if he was sent down to the AHL, we might be able to pull off being fuck buddies or something.
But I’m not going to drop the thought into his head.
He doesn’t need that. Not when he’s only just stopped visibly reeling.
And honestly, if I was forced to choose between linemate or fuck buddy, I’m choosing linemate every time.
But, of course, now I’m the one reeling. Because damn it, maybe what I need is a fuck buddy. Someone to distract myself from him. It has been a while since I’ve hooked up with anyone. Anonymously, of course. I could open Grindr now and see who’s near user HotTexasStud24.
Which is also a terrible idea. We just narrowly beat the Florida Storm Front and while most gay men don’t give a flying fuck about hockey, some do. It’s not worth the risk of getting found out by a Storm Front fan with a grudge because I scored the game-winning goal.
And also, I’ll be honest, an anonymous quickie isn’t what I want anymore.
What I want, which is becoming harder and harder to ignore—partially due to sharing a room with him—is sitting across from me right now.
I suddenly regret forcing the issue into the open.
Fine, I’ve got the answer I’ve been obsessing over, but what next? What have I started here?
I grab my wine and swallow what’s left in the glass then rise. “Let’s go find the guys before I do something stupid.”
“And by something stupid, you mean me,” he says, looking up at me.
“Of course.” I grab the bottle of wine and drink directly from its neck as I head for the door.
Brandon
Well, tonight has taken a turn and I can’t tell if it’s for better or for worse. I’m leaning towards worse.
To start, I just outed myself… officially.
Thankfully it was to another gay player.
A gay player who I’ve been in love with since I was a fucking fourteen-year-old.
The fucking catalyst for my sexual awakening.
A man who—despite the mixed emotions of this conversation—has still managed to make me half hard.
So yeah, definitely worse. Way worse. I was much better off when I didn’t know the love of my life, my goddamn dream man, is gay.
Ugh. And possibly interested. In me. But also not. But also yes. But also no, it’s a terrible idea. And it is a terrible idea! The worst idea. But also… the best? I mean, Gavin and Connor make it work. Why can’t we?
But also, Gavin and Connor are clearly in love. Meant to be, in fact. Not that I believe in that sort of thing. But if I did, it’s clear it applies to Gavin and Connor. So why couldn’t it apply to me and Ryan too?
Everyone loves a meet cute, don’t they?
Not that we had a meet cute. I’d say it was more of a meet ugly. I was an awkward kid. But here we are, reuniting eight years later and both of us are fully fledged consenting adults.
I consent, Ryan! I consent!
Okay. Tone it down, Brandon. I’m just horny.
That’s all this is. It’s been days since I’ve gotten off.
And I haven’t hooked up with anyone since I left UDub.
That’s definitely all this is. I should let him go find the guys on his own while I stay here and crack some stick alone in the shower.
But who am I kidding? That’s not what I’m going to do at all.
I’m going to follow him out of this room and down the hall, and honestly, to the ends of the earth if I’m given the opportunity.