Chapter 30
THIRTY
Brandon
“So you’re sure you want to do this?” I ask Ryan for probably the tenth time this morning. We’re on our way to practice, early, and he’s already called Coach Chris, requesting a meeting.
“Yeah.” He chances a quick glance at me before taking his eyes back to the road.
He’s calmly driving. Meanwhile, my heart is beating like I’ve been mainlining caffeine all morning.
In reality, I haven’t even finished my first cup of coffee; I’ve just been staring at the lid of the cup in my hand because every time I go to take a sip my stomach recoils before I bring it to my lips.
Okay. I might be having second thoughts about this.
Like major second thoughts. Technically, I think they are first thoughts as at no point in the conversation when Ryan brought this up did I have a chance to process it.
My head went completely empty. But he, for whatever reason, is ready to steamroll this plan of his forward and I’m not entirely sure if I can say no.
I mean, I guess it’s for the best. His argument does make sense.
It’s all very logical, which Ryan tends to be when he’s not being a complete and total smartass.
He’s way less prone to making emotional, panic-stricken decisions than I am.
But that’s also what makes this situation so strange.
It’s unlike him to be this impulsive and this open and honest. Which is one of the many reasons why I’ve asked him over and over again if he’s sure he wants to do this.
“What did you tell him when you said we wanted to talk before practice?” I ask.
“Brandon.” Ryan looks at me again, then reaches across the center console and squeezes my hand. “You were there. I just said that we needed to talk but that it wasn’t a big deal.”
“Do you think he suspects?”
“I don’t know.” He shrugs. “Maybe. You said once you thought his wife knew.”
“She did give me that impression.” I sigh.
When we reach the stop sign before the entrance to our practice rink, he hits the brakes harder than I think is necessary, sending me forward in my seat. The seatbelt catches me.
“Are you having second thoughts?” he asks.
I turn to look at him. I can feel my eyebrows simultaneously lift and scrunch together, while I chew on my lower lip.
“You are? Aren’t you?” He pulls into the practice facility’s parking lot and puts us in the shade near the far south corner.
“It’s not so much second thoughts as it’s first thoughts. I just got here. I’m doing well, the team has embraced me. Coach Chris seems to have a delusional amount of faith in me. What if this ruins all of that?”
He places his hand on the back of my neck and massages it with his fingers. “It won’t. Coach isn’t like that, and neither are the team.”
I try to relax into his words because he is right. I know he is. But I’m still nervous. I’ve never had to say any of this out loud before.
He turns in his seat and looks at me. His eyes are gentle, but also still determined.
“I’m tired of hiding. I’m tired of making decisions that keep me from having the life I want.
And the life I want involves being out, at least to the people important to me, with you.
I love you and I want everyone important to me to know it. ”
He looks so earnest as he says it, my heart clenches.
I want that too. I mean, for fuck’s sake, it’s been my literal dream since I was fourteen.
I’m still in shock that it’s within my grasp and I for damn sure don’t want to lose it.
But also, this is terrifying. My heart is racing and I’m sweating in all of my joints.
“I love you too,” I say. Being able to speak those words out loud helps to calm me.
He reaches across the car with his other hand, then places both hands on my shoulders. His palms feel heavy and warm and most of all settling.
“I’m going to ask you something and I want you to answer it honestly,” he says.
“Okay.” I swallow. A lot of the honesty we’ve shared over the last twelve hours has been a bit overwhelming. I don’t expect his question to break that trend.
“When did you know you wanted to play in the NHL?”
I sputter out a laugh. Okay, that wasn’t what I was expecting. “For as long as I can remember.”
“And when did you realize you were gay?”
“Oh no,” I say. My skin starts to get hot. “We’re not going there.”
“Why?” he laughs. “There’s no way you can be embarrassed about that. You’re talking to your gay boyfriend, remember?”
“Well… considering I figured it out when I was fourteen…”
His eyebrows rise and his mouth drops slightly open. “Oh.”
A sudden knock onto Ryan’s window startles us both.
“You two good?!” Danton shouts through the glass. He has his thumbs up and a goofy smile on his face.
Ryan hits the button to roll down his window. “Yeah, we’re good,” he says, then gestures at me with his thumb. “Just giving Baby over here a much-needed pep talk.”
Danton slaps the roof of the car, then leans his head through the open window to get a better look at me. He nods his chin in my direction. “What’s he freaking out about?”
“The usual,” Ryan says. “Coming out to the coach. You know how it is.”
“Of course I do.” Danton laughs. “I’m an expert. And as your captain, I’m obliged to ask. Do you want me to come with you?”
Ryan
What was supposed to be a casual, albeit revelation-filled meeting with our coach, has now turned into a bit of a group affair. We brought in Danton, and much to our surprise, Coach Chris’s wife, Michelle, is also here in his office when we arrive.
“Give me one second, boys,” she says, grabbing her laptop off the corner table. “I can find another room to work in.”
“Actually—” Brandon flashes me a look, “maybe you should stick around for this.”
I tip my head at him. That’s not a bad idea.
After all, she was instrumental in getting Connor Kennedy out of his situation in Chicago, and her husband under a contract here in St. Louis.
As an attorney working for the Mules now, there’s nobody who knows the legal ins and outs of the NHL better than she does.
It definitely won’t hurt to have her in our corner in case this breaches containment.
“Alright, then,” she says and sits back down with a not-so-subtle knowing smile on her face. She grabs her tea off the table and crosses her legs in her chair.
Danton shuts the door behind him and stands against it, out of the way, while Brandon and I take seats in the chairs sitting across from Coach Chris’s desk.
He looks up at us from the stack of game notes in front of him. “Why am I getting the feeling I’m about to owe my wife a thousand dollars?”
“Because you are, dear,” she says. “Pay up.”
“Goddamn it,” he grumbles. He looks at us and shakes his head, but there’s a smile pulling at his lips. “Is it too much to ask to have a peaceful coaching existence?”
“Well, this is going much easier than I expected,” I say, then turn to look at Brandon. For a man who usually can’t hide the way he feels about anything, for some reason, right now, I can’t get a good read on him.
He narrows his eyes at Coach Chris. “Did you two bet on us?”
“To be fair,” Danton says, “I think half the team is playing the odds.”
“I can’t say I’d be surprised by that,” I say, then reach over and squeeze the back of Brandon’s neck. He feels hot, but he does relax under my touch. “Look, we both knew coming into this meeting that the team wasn’t going to be an issue.”
A small smile pulls at his lips. “I know,” he says around a sigh. “I just… every other team I’ve ever been on, this would have been an issue.”
“Every other team you’ve ever been on has sucked,” Danton says.
He’s not wrong. I only got a small taste of it from that Richie McDaniel kid, but I hate that that’s what Brandon is used to.
“Danton’s right,” Coach Chris says. “I know I’ve only been here a few months, but this team is different.” He looks back and forth between me and Danton. “What you guys have built here is special and I’m glad to be a part of it.”
I reach across his desk with my fist and bump his. “And we’re happy to have you, Coach. You are the perfect fit here.”
“Technically, I think that was Brandon,” Danton says.
I turn in my chair to look at him. “Fair point.”
Michelle comes around the desk to stand beside her husband. She places her laptop down and opens it, then looks right at us. “Are you two planning on coming out publicly?”
“Not at the moment, no,” I answer as Brandon shakes his head. It’s not that I wouldn’t, but right now, I just don’t see the need. It’s truly nobody else’s business, though I’m also not naive enough to believe that being publicly outed isn’t always going to be a threat looming over us.
“Here.” Coach Chris gets up and gives her his chair. She takes it and he starts to pace.
Settled into her seat, Michelle is all business. I already liked her, but now I like her more. “Who outside of this room knows about the two of you?”
“No one,” I say.
She looks at Brandon. “What about your parents?”
“We’re planning on telling them in Dallas.” He suddenly looks queasy.
She looks at me. “And when are you telling yours?” I can sense the nerves coming off of her. It’s like she already knows that my parents are going to be the issue.
“We’re not,” I say. “We don’t speak.”
Her face falls in sympathy. “Because of this?”
I shake my head no. “I mean… this doesn’t help, but it’s not the reason.”
Michelle’s voice is gentle. “May I ask what is?”
“Long or short version?”
“Let’s start with the short. For right now, I just need the basics, so we’re all prepared.”
“My mom had an affair. I’m not my dad’s kid. They cut ties with me pretty much as soon as I got sent to Green Bay to play junior hockey.”
“Which is when you two met, correct?” Michelle asks, not lingering.
I nod my head yes this time and breathe a sigh of relief. Happy that she sped right past the bullshit.
“Looks like I need to beat the shit out of Ryan’s father,” Danton says, his voice low and angry.
“No one is beating the shit out of anyone,” Coach Chris says. “We’re fighting for a chance to play in the Stanley Cup Finals.” He pauses his pacing and looks at me. “Ryan, we can deal with your shitty parents when the season’s over.”
Danton slaps him a high five. “Damn right.” He then comes to stand by me and places a hand on my shoulder. “You know, this explains a lot about you, right?”
I shrug under his palm.
“Vicky and I never liked that your parents never showed up for you.”
“Neither did mine,” Brandon says.
She smiles warmly at him. “I’m assuming your parents will be in your guys’ corner.”
Brandon places his hands in his lap. “Definitely.”
“Good.” She points at him. “And you have Ander too. He’s going to be very helpful.”
“He’s our potential opponent,” Coach Chris says. “Let’s not get too buddy buddy with him.”
Michelle looks at her husband with a knowing smirk on her face. “You and I both know that’s what the league is hoping for.”
He stops his pacing and smiles at her. “Two brothers battling it out for the glory of the cup.”
“You against the players you used to coach,” she adds.
I grab Brandon’s hand, and smile when he looks down at it, and then over at me. “And two players falling for each other.”
Danton wipes his eyes. “Damn it,” he says. “I’m suddenly feeling very romantic about hockey.”
Michelle shakes her head and laughs. “You boys are such a trip.” She takes her attention back to me and Brandon. “I’ll prepare a statement just in case it’s needed or the two of you change your mind. No matter what, you’ll have the full support of this organization. I’ll make sure of that.”
“Thank you,” Brandon and I both say together.
I look over at Brandon. He looks a little calmer, but I know inside that head of his, he’s freaking out. I don’t know why. His parents are the best that there is.