Chapter 17
JASON
Iknow the exact moment Kai enters the grove. I don’t have to turn around to know it’s him. Every nerve in my body tingles with his closeness and breathing becomes a little more difficult. I don’t acknowledge him, but instead I continue working on weeding round the statues.
“Jason?” His voice cracks slightly and I hate the uncertainty it holds.
I turn to look at him. He’s standing at the edge of the grove, biting on his bottom lip.
His normally bright eyes are dull and washed of colour.
I desperately want to see them shine again, but I don’t know why he’s here.
It’s so similar to all the times he’s found me in the garden previously, and yet everything is different.
“Kai,” I say simply, and his face creases slightly before he smoothes it again and I see him take a deep breath.
“I have a strange request, but please hear me out as I know you judge me for what I’m doing—”
“Judge you?” I blurt out. “I’ve never judged you!” I straighten from my position, standing to face him.
“But you were in the room, you must have seen the camera and everything. And then I told you all in the kitchen that day and you . . . you couldn’t even look at me.” The anguish in his voice breaks something in me.
“I wasn’t judging you, Kai. I was judging myself.”
“I . . . I don’t understand.” He frowns. I need to come clean. Even if I don’t want him to know my shame, it’ll at least stop him thinking I would actually judge him. I hate that more than what I think of myself.
“You’re right. I did see the room. I recognised it from your videos.
I swear I didn’t know it was you at the time, not when I started watching them.
But then I realised what it was when I picked you up.
I was so embarrassed and I was sure somehow you knew I’d seen your account.
I couldn’t look you in the eye. I was ashamed.
Not to mention you’re my boss, so it’s doubly worse.
” I come to a stop and look away. Now he knows and he can do whatever he needs to, sack me or whatever.
The silence stretches, feeling like a lifetime, though it can’t have been more than a minute.
“Did you like them?” he asks quietly.
“What?” I don’t know what he means, and I turn my head back to look at him.
“The videos. Did you like them?” he repeats.
“Is that even relevant?” I say sharply. What does it matter if I’m out of here?
“It is to me.” He smiles, a small tentative smile, but it’s there, and his eyes brighten slightly. It’s like he’s seeking my good opinion. He walks across the grove and stands a few feet away from me.
“I’ve watched them all.” It’s not a lie, some of them I’ve watched several times. His face transforms as his mouth stretches slowly into a sexy smirk and his eyes take on their irresistible feline shine.
“I like the thought of you watching them,” he says and drops his eyes before lifting them back to mine. It’s coy, and it shouldn’t work, but try telling that to my body as my nerves tingle in a completely different way.
“Hold on.” I take off my gardening gloves and twist them, giving my hands something to do while I try to get my head round this. “So I’ve been avoiding you because I was embarrassed and thought you’d be able to see that. But you’ve been avoiding me because you thought I was judging you?”
“It seems like it, and yet all this time you’ve been lusting over videos of me.”
“That isn’t helping, Kai.” I clench my teeth as his words bring up images of him naked, which I really don’t need right now.
“I’m not sure what you need help with.” He gives me another smile and my stomach flips over. I need to put a stop to this now.
“Kai, you’re my boss. It’s inappropriate for a start. It’s wrong on so many levels.”
“Nope, pretty sure it’s not,” he says, advancing towards me. I take a step back, trying to put some distance between us, and find the statue hard against my back.
“You’re an earl, Lord Buckley, that makes you out of my league, unobtainable,” I say and he stops. His face twists slightly in disgust and his eyes flash angrily.
“I’m a failed actor who by pure accident of birth has ended up here, with all this.” He waves a hand towards the house. “I didn’t ask for any of it, but I’m trying to do the best I can in the only way I know how. You make it sound so lonely, like my fate is sealed.”
“That’s not what I meant,” I protest.
“Then what did you mean, Jason?” he shouts.
“Because I’m confused right now. I came out here, despite feeling like the one person who’s opinion I cared for thought what I was doing was wrong, to ask him to help me.
Only to find he’s been watching me the whole time, but somehow that’s not good enough.
” He stops shouting, staring at me with his chest heaving.
“I’m the one who’s not good enough,” I say, as calmly as I can, fighting the rising nausea from my churning stomach. He steps closer until his chest is almost touching mine.
“Don’t you think that’s for me to decide?” he says with gritted teeth. His lips are pulled back and his eyes are sharp and narrow. He looks like a cat getting ready to strike.
His close proximity is intoxicating, and I can’t trust myself to say anything sensible. When I don’t answer, the fight goes out of him and his shoulders slump.
“What I really wanted to tell you was how much I missed you. I looked forward to coming out here and talking to you. I like you a lot, Jason. I thought we had something special.”
“I miss you too. Seeing you was the highlight of my day,” I say, but that feels woefully inadequate. Fuck, I need to try to sort this out. “I’m sorry, I’ve messed this up. Can we go back to how we were before?”
“I don’t think so,” he says, and my heart sinks as my mind races with how to salvage this, at least to get him to talk to me again. It’s not what I want. I want a lot more, but I’ll take anything over the avoiding each other we’ve been doing.
“Why not?” It comes out reeking of anguish but I don’t care.
“Because it’s uneven, isn’t it?” He tilts his head and gives me a calculating look, and once again I feel like prey under his gaze.
“Oh, with you being an earl?” Now I’m confused. Is this some sort of punishment to twist my words back at me?
“No, it’s not that.” His sly smile is back, which makes my heart race after the emotional turmoil of the last few minutes.
“What, then?” I ask and he deliberately looks me up and down.
“You’ve seen me naked.” His face is deadpan, and I just stare at him trying to work out if he’s joking. Then his mouth starts twitching as if he’s trying to hold in a laugh. It’s infectious, and soon I’m giggling as much as him. He stops just as suddenly and looks up at the statue of his uncle.
“I’ve worked out who the other guy is,” he says.
“Who is it?” I follow his gaze. The laughter worked wonderfully to ease the tension.
“Lord Bernard Lamont Hawksmoor. It took me a while as he was only labelled as M in the journals.”
“Monty,” I say and he nods. “I never knew his full name. He was only ever called Monty while he was here.”
“Estranged from his wife and with two adult children. I like to think that he and my uncle were happy. But as a peer in the House of Lords, as well as his banking heritage, I can see why he might not have wanted to go public.”
“They certainly seemed happy,” I say. It’s the truth, and I hope it brings him some comfort. He smiles briefly.
“I don’t want to be like my uncle—a recluse, hiding away from the world.
I want to be able to shout my love out loud,” he declares and levels a look at me.
It bores straight into my soul and I know I can’t let him go.
I don’t feel worthy of an earl, but Kai is like no one else I’ve met, and I know if I want him, I need to try.
Then, like he says, it’s for him to decide. I take a deep breath.
“We might not be able to go back, but can we move forward instead?” I ask and wait, seeing his slight smile.
“What do you suggest?” he asks, lifting his chin slightly.
“Well, first of all, I’d like to kiss you.” This time I step forward into his space so he has to tilt his head to look up at me.
“I’d like that too,” he whispers. Locking my eyes onto his, I lower my head.
His lips are soft, exactly how I imagined them.
I take it slowly at first, licking across his bottom lip and savouring him.
I put my arms around him, holding him close, and he sighs slightly and melts into me.
I go to pull back and he chases my lips with his own, wrapping his hands round my neck and pulling me back to him.
He opens up for me and I explore, our tongues dancing until I lose myself in him.
I break off slowly, not wanting to end the kiss but needing some air, and even as our lips part, I touch them together again, not wanting to let go just yet.
I don’t release my arms, and he moves his hands down my back and around my waist, holding me too.
“Wow, that was incredible.” I smile at him, watching his face light up. Then I remember what he said as he entered the grove. “You said you needed my help with something.”
“Oh yes, about that. I’ve received a pledge on For my Fans, a very large one. Huge, in fact. They want a bespoke video of me, but also with someone else.”
“Oh.” I wasn’t expecting that. I’m extremely honoured he thought of me, and to come out here to ask me when he believed I thought ill of him took courage. “Yes.”
“It would really help me out, to save the hall,” he starts. “And what my uncle built here. And of course saving your jobs, so you’d be helping yourself really—”
“Kai, I said yes,” I repeat a little louder.
“Oh.” He looks up at me. “Are you sure?”
“I’m very sure, but is there a timescale?”
“I need to double check, but in a couple of weeks I think.”
“That’s good. I don’t want to rush what’s happening between us. I’d like to explore us first without that pressure.” I mean every word. I want to separate what I’ve watched in his videos from reality.
“I want to explore this too,” he says and reaches up to kiss me. “Starting now.”