THIRTEEN
Cassie
Present
Mortified doesn’t even begin to describe how I felt when we walked out of that bathroom and back to the table with all our friends there waiting. I felt like every one of them knew exactly what happened, especially since when we got back, Josephine had taken my seat, leaving me to sit right next to Lincoln for the entire dinner.
Which he took full advantage of, keeping his hand on me in some way throughout dinner.
The urge to feel relief and cry at the same time was real. I don’t understand my feelings. I’m stressed about the situation, and it’s because confrontation wasn’t my thing.
So imagine my surprise when I found myself driving to the ice rink to find the one man who held my heart in his hands for exactly that.
I knew after dinner that we were going to have to figure out how to get along for the sake of Mick and Tanner. They deserved happiness. They deserve to have a wedding where their bridal party didn’t fight.
I was doing this for them.
And maybe a little for me.
The past few months have been torture. Not being with Lincoln has been heart-wrenching.
Stepping into the ice rink feels like walking to my death. The feelings that come with being in this building again brought up all sorts of emotions. But when I hear the squeals of little kids echoing around the rink and the loud boom of laughter from Lincoln, my heart gives a little thud, and I find a smile crossing my lips.
I step inside, keeping close to the wall to hopefully not be seen by too many people. There are parents in the stands watching their kids, and probably close to thirty kids are in the rink. I blink when I see Crew skating at the opposite end of the rink, talking with some of the kids.
I had no idea he was coaching, too.
When I’d asked Mick where Lincoln was working, her answer didn’t surprise me. Mick didn’t pry when I asked, and I was grateful she didn’t. I think she could see I wasn’t handling something well.
As far as I knew, though, they knew very little about Lincoln and my relationship. We’d kept to ourselves during our very brief but intense time together, mostly because I don’t think either of us realized what it all meant until it came crashing down around us.
I shuffle my way to the bleachers and take a seat a few rows up. It’s dark enough that I draw little attention to myself, and I give a close-lipped smile to the parents who see me.
Settling, I crossed my jean-clad legs and snuggled into my Rose Hill hoodie. It was the hockey one, and I’d gotten it on a whim. I probably shouldn’t have worn it, but I’d been in a rush out the door this morning, not allowing myself to take extra time to get ready so I wouldn’t talk myself out of coming at all.
A whistle blows, and my attention is drawn back to the rink, my mind going to a conversation we had just before he played the last game when we were together. A game I didn’t go to because I didn’t think I could face my friends during a time when I was falling for my best friend’s brother.
“You could wear my jersey; we could announce we’re together.”
“Oh yeah, you think it’s that easy?”
“To tell everyone how I feel? Absolutely.”
I blink rapidly at the moisture in my eyes. Now was not the time to be thinking about that.
Because immediately after that conversation was when everything blew up.
Lincoln starts leading everyone around the rink, and the little kids follow him quickly, laughing at the quick pace he sets.
As he nears the part of the rink I’m on, nerves start to get the better of me, and fleeing suddenly sounds like a good idea.
He glances up, a wide smile on his face, and his quick look at the bleachers shouldn’t mean anything, except when he does, somehow, he zeros right in on my face. I give him a little wave, and he stumbles on his skates for a quick second, shock evident, before he rights himself.
I would laugh at his misstep if I wasn’t so damn nervous. The class ends, and I stay seated where I am, watching parents get their kids ready to go. Lincoln is rushing through whatever routine he normally has until a parent comes and talks to him, and he takes a breath and smiles, talking with whomever comes over about worries or concerns. Every few minutes, he glances over at me as if willing me to hang around.
I was here, I had no intention of bailing now that he saw me.
Even if avoiding him is a lot easier.
Is it, Cassie?
“Cassie!” I jerk out of my thoughts and smile over at Crew, who bounds up the stairs. I stand, and he wraps his arms around me, lifting me slightly off my feet as he does so. I give him a hug back.
“How are you doing?” I ask, hanging back again. I miss hanging out with Crew. After our little snafu a few months ago, things have definitely been strained, and given that he’s Lincoln’s best friend, I’ve opted not to interfere with that again.
“I’m fine, I miss the shit out of you, though,” he says sincerely. “Where have you been?”
I shrug and glance over at Lincoln. “Just working mostly.”
He eyes me for a minute. “Working and avoiding, more like it.”
I tilt my head and give him a dead-eyed look. “I’m not avoiding.”
Crew looks over at Lincoln, who’s still caught up with parents, and back to me. “He said we could be friends, Cassie.”
“I don’t need his permission.” Ugh, I don’t even like the cattiness in my voice.
“And yet…” He trails off, his golden eyes drilling into me. Since I last saw him, I swear Crew grew another three inches…everywhere. He’s got even more massive shoulders; his height is well over six feet, and his boyish blonde hair that he used to have has started to fade into something browner.
But I still see him as a little brother.
“I just don’t want to step on any toes. We have enough drama without me hanging out with his best friend.”
“Cassie, you’re my friend too. That’s unfair.”
I bite my lip. “You’re right. I’m sorry.”
We look over at the same time and see Lincoln sitting to unlace his skates.
“Did you get the new Heart Kingdom book?”
I smile and nod. “Yeah, I pre-ordered that months ago.”
“And?” he says, asking for my thoughts.
“And it was pretty freaking amazing. But I’m not surprised, coming from that author.”
“Right! He’s fucking awesome. The world building was stupid good, which you know is usually my least favorite part.”
“That’s because there’s no dialogue, you’re just bored. You need to try harder to get inside the book. I’m telling you, it helps.”
He groans and shakes his head. “I know, I know.” Lincoln starts to make his way over to us, and Crew pulls me into another hug. “Have coffee with me sometime soon? We need to discuss Madigal. That guy is a prick,” he says, referring to one of the hated characters in our favorite series.
Well, current favorite, anyway.
“Yeah, okay, let’s do it.”
He gives me a wink and steps down the stairs, I follow until I’m on the flat landing and watch with amusement as he taps Lincoln’s fist and walks off.
Most of the parents have gone now, and Crew picks up his bag before he exits the arena.
Lincoln stops and stares at me, questions brewing behind his eyes. “How are you?”
I blink at the question, surprised he led with that. “I’m okay. How are you?”
Ugh, the stented small talk was the root of evil.
“I’m doing good, Sunshine.”
I glance up quickly at the nickname, the urge to ask him not to call me that is on the tip of my tongue, but I can’t bring myself to do it.
I track my eyes over him, he’s got a light sheen of sweat on his brow, not nearly what it would be when he’s finished a game, but enough to say his class this morning was a workout.
“I’m surprised to find you here,” he comments when I don’t reply.
I clear my throat, stuffing my hands in my hoodie pocket. The action draws his eyes to the hoodie, and I see a small tinge of happiness when he notices which one it is.
I quickly say, “We need to talk about the wedding,” to draw his attention away.
“Okay,” he says, leaning against the glass of the rink and shrugging. “What about it?”
“We have to be in it, and apparently there are a lot of pre-wedding activities we’ll be at together, so we need to pretend to get along.”
“I don’t have to pretend.” His words pierce through me quickly, and I close my eyes.
“Okay. So, we’ll behave then?”
Lincoln eyes me for a minute, watching my every move, and then sighs. “Of course. I don’t want to do anything that hurts you, Sunshine.”
“Stop.” I start to ask him not to call me that again, but I can’t freaking say the words. I feel embarrassed when my eyes start to water.
I’m close enough for him to reach out and grasp my hand, and when his skin touches mine, I let him pull me closer until we’re both leaning against the glass, me more pressed to him.
I can’t meet his eyes.
God, I wish it wasn’t so easy to fall into his embrace. Every time I’m near him, I just want his big arms wrapped around me again, to feel safe again.
“Sunshine,” he rasps against the side of my head, and then pulls me even closer, wrapping his big arms around my shoulders and holding tight.
I let my arms fall around his waist, gripping his shirt with my fingertips. All I want is to forget and forgive everything that happened between the two of us and move forward. I knew he was sorry, knew he was trying, but there was this little wall around my heart that didn’t want to be penetrated.
I pull away, wiping at the tear that managed to squeak by. “So.” I clear my throat. “Are you excited to get back to playing again?”
I don’t know why I ask that, why I don’t just march out of this arena and leave it alone. He agreed to behave, so the conversation was done.
“I am.” Hesitating, he blows out a breath. “If I get to.”
I whip my gaze back to his, furrowing my brows. “What does that mean?”
He braces his hands on his knees and shakes his head. “I didn’t do too hot in my finals.”
“Oh.” I crossed my arms, sad that he didn’t get what he needed to play. “Do you…do you need help?” I finally ask, risking my own sanity for the sake of helping him.
Or was it my way of allowing myself to be close to him? I shake my head at the confusing thoughts.
“No, that’s okay. I can’t burden you with that task again.” He gives a half-crooked smile and shrugs. “I’ll figure it out.”
We stand in silence for a few seconds before he stands straight, making it so I have to look up at him again. “Or I’ll try to go pro.”
The words shock me, and I blink at him. “Go pro? Already?”
He sighs. “I mean, I’m good enough to try, right? I suck at school, and sports journalism obviously won’t work out for me anyway, so using it as a fallback is kind of stupid.”
“It’s not stupid,” I say quickly, feeling a tendril of panic at the notion of him leaving. “You’re not a bad writer or speaker, Lincoln. You just need to find the right words.”
For a moment, we stare at each other, taking in all the tiny details of each other. Memories threaten to assault me, and I blink, stepping back.
“If you go pro, you might miss the wedding.” I say, wondering how that would all work out.
“I’ll work it into my contract to be able to be at the wedding.”
Something he’s already thought of then.
I nod, pasting a smile on my face. “Okay, well, I should go.”
I turn to walk out, not wanting to say goodbye for ridiculous reasons and wanting to get to my car so I could be safe with my new emotions, when his hand wraps around mine, turning me back.
“Sunshine,” he starts, bringing my eyes back to his face, his roaming all over mine. “You’re not going to say goodbye?”
“I—” I hesitate, not wanting to give myself away or say too much.
Understanding dawns on him, and he gives me a tight smile. Anguish shines through his eyes, and I want nothing more than to wrap him in my arms and promise everything is going to be okay.
But that wasn’t my job anymore.
He leans forward, overwhelming me with his scent, and I breathe it in greedily, flashing back to the kiss at the restaurant, when he presses his lips to my forehead firmly, giving me a kiss and pulling away.
“I’ll see you soon, okay?”
Releasing me, he turns and walks off to his bag, throwing it over his shoulder and making his way into the back office, leaving me standing there and wondering how, if at all, this whole mess could be fixed.