Chapter Eight #3
“There was blood down my legs, and some had seeped through my jeans. It hadn’t really shown in the dark outside, but in the lighting of the bathroom it was obvious.
And it was weird to see the blood. I hadn’t known you could bleed from your ass, and so much of it.
It was dried on, and I didn’t know how to get the blood out of them, and the soap wasn’t working.
I thought maybe I would just throw them out if I couldn’t get them clean, but I was still using the soap when my father came in.
He didn’t even try the lock. He just broke it.
He’s big. Bigger than me now, even. Bigger than you, even.
He caught me there with the blood on my legs and I remember looking at him, and him looking at me, and knowing it was over, everything, and there was Jenny, too, with the Tylenol in her hands. ”
He fell silent then. The story felt finished, even though it wasn’t.
There had been so many things after that.
The hospital. The DNA tests. The arrest. Switching schools.
And that was just the first time. But he was tired.
Really tired. He badly wanted to sleep. His jaw cracked in a yawn. And then he heard it.
Eli’s crying.
The man was doing it quietly. He had a hand pressed over his mouth, but he was crying. His hand, shirt, and pants were all spotted with it. He’d been crying for a while.
“Oh,” Samuel said, surprised. Beyond surprised, even.
“Why?” But then he remembered Hailey, who was in sixth grade.
Hailey, who Eli worshiped even more than he did his husband.
He put a hand on the man’s arm. “It’s okay.
She’s smarter than me. Nothing will happen to her.
” But that didn’t work. Eli only cried harder, so hard the sobs became audible, choked out like they were hurting.
Samuel didn’t know what to do. “Nathaniel will protect her, and nothing will happen to you either. No one will touch you. I promised Nathaniel, and I’ll promise you too. Please don’t cry.”
But Eli did cry, and Samuel didn’t have experience with things like that.
The only person he really loved never cried.
But he knew what you were supposed to do, or at least, he knew what people did in books and in movies.
So he pulled on Eli’s shoulders, not really expecting it to work, but Eli followed his pressure and then the man was doing all his bawling into his shoulder.
He could feel the power of the tears then, and Eli’s shaking body sent tremors through his own, and the sound was louder too now that Eli’s mouth was near his ear.
It was awful. Truly. He’d never felt so useless. And more to do something than from any real hope it would work, he began rubbing Eli’s back the way his sister sometimes did for him when he was having trouble falling asleep.
“No,” Eli said, or something like it. He couldn’t be sure. The man wasn’t exactly enunciating. “I’m not the one who—It’s your pain, you shouldn’t have to comfort me.”
That seemed stupid. “But you’re the one crying.”
Eli made a frustrated sound, but he didn’t try to emerge from the safety of his shoulder, so Samuel kept on with his rubbing, even after the man’s breathing had mostly evened out again.
It was kind of soothing, that rubbing. He felt a little like he was rocking a baby to sleep, only this baby was ginormous, and he wanted to see it naked—maybe.
He wondered what Nathaniel did when his husband pulled stunts like this.
Maybe he didn’t have to do anything. Nathaniel probably didn’t make him cry.
Nathaniel, who was so steady and funny and, apparently, great at sex.
He probably made Eli laugh and smile all day long and then at the end of it they had great food and great sex and went to sleep feeling like there was no home in the world better than the one they had.
And now all that was fucked up, their family ripped apart, and Eli was stuck here getting his underwear stolen and listening to child rape stories. Who wouldn’t cry?
“You’ll get back to him soon,” he found himself saying.
“Two years isn’t so long. And at the end of it you’ll appreciate everything so much more.
Food will taste amazing, and showers will be so relaxing and just imagine shitting in private.
I think I miss that the most. And you’ll have Nat back, and Hailey, and you’ll be able to go on your Paris trip. ”
“Nat, huh?”
He didn’t realize what the man was implying at first, then he played the words back over in his head and the heat came to his face again.
Sometimes it felt like all he did these days was fluctuate between anger and embarrassment.
“Nathaniel. Sorry.” He’d started using “Nat” as revenge for the stupid “Sam” business, but Nathaniel hadn’t minded in the slightest, and somehow it had become a habit.
“Don’t apologize. It’s cute.” Eli’s hand found his hair, but instead of the usual ruffling, it just rested there. That is, until the man jerked it back with an apology of his own. “I keep forgetting. You don’t like to be touched. ”
He caught the wrist before it could be retracted completely. “No. It’s—if it’s you, it’s okay. I think.”
“‘You think’ huh?” Eli shook his head. “You don’t have to force yourself, puppy.”
But he wasn’t forcing himself. At least, he didn’t think he was. The man’s danger barely registered anymore. The crying-fest might have eradicated it completely. But something else distracted him from the evaluation. “Why do you call me that?”
“Hmm?”
“Puppy. If you haven’t noticed, I’m on the large side.”
There was a flash of white in the dimness of the closet. Eli’s smile. “I’ve noticed, all right.”
Samuel’s flush deepened, but with embarrassment or pleasure he couldn’t say. He didn’t know how to interpret things like that. From someone else it would have been a compliment, or even flirting, but Eli was so nice—nice to everyone. It didn’t have to mean anything. “Then why?”
“Because you’re sweet and loyal and so cute I just want to keep you in my pocket.”
He waited for the man’s laugh. He usually laughed at his own jokes.
It was the dad in him, maybe. But Eli didn’t laugh.
He was still leaning on his shoulder, seemingly content to remain there forever.
It did something to Samuel’s stomach, and he stood up without warning, nearly dumping Eli to the floor.
“Samuel?”
“We should head back. It’ll be lights out soon.”
“I totally forgot about—you trashed everyone’s shit.”
They also hadn’t discussed the whole ‘prison husband’ thing, but there wasn’t time for it, and the pace they set to the dorm was halfway between a power-walk and a sprint.
(Technically they weren’t allowed to run within the prison walls.) They got back three minutes before lights out, and most of the mess had already been cleared away.
There were still some crumbs on the floor, and one mattress was leaning against the wall, but otherwise it was business as usual save for the veritable mountain of underwear sitting on Eli’s bed.
There were at least a dozen pairs, and probably more like twenty.
But the showpiece was sitting at the very top of the pile—a fluorescent pink G-string with a little white bow on the ass.
It was so out of place mixed in among all the commissary tighty-whities, like a flamingo among an army of pigeons.
He tried to ignore it. He could have genuine reactions later. For now, he had to stick to the script. So he put a possessive hand on the back of Eli’s neck and pressed their bodies together. “Is this everything, darling?”
Eli raised an eyebrow but otherwise made no comment at the sudden change in address. “And then some, I’d say.”
He didn’t actually care about the missing underwear.
He would buy Eli new clothes in the morning and burn everything that was sitting on the bed now.
It was the precedent that mattered. He jerked the blanket up, scattering the underwear over the floor, and sat down on the bed.
Since he was still hanging onto Eli, that meant pulling him down with him.
“Wow, a man who knows what he wants.” Eli was barely holding back his laughter.
“Shut up and close your eyes,” he hissed.
“Yes, sir, husband, sir.” At this Eli failed and had to push his face into Samuel’s shoulder to muffle his laughter.
Samuel rolled his eyes and pulled the blanket up over them just as the lights went out.
It made a difference. Even with the dimmers on, there was a surprising amount of intimacy in the near-dark.
He was suddenly all-too aware of Eli’s closeness.
Also his largeness. And the worst part? Eli picked up on his distress.
He lifted the blanket and rolled over to give him room to exit.
“Night, Samuel,” he said in an effort to normalize a clear over-reaction.
But he didn’t get up. Nor did he calm down. “I’m staying.”
“You can’t sleep this way.”
“I don’t care. I promised Nat.”
“Promised him you’d have a heart attack? Look at you. You’re shaking.”
He snatched away the hand that was being inspected. He wasn’t shaking . The slight tremor could have been anything. Excitement or exertion. Not shaking .
Eli touched his neck next. The hammering pulse was harder to explain away.
“Samuel,” Eli said, and his voice was so soft, so gentle, it made him furious.
“I’m fine. Go to sleep.”
“But—”
“You’ll become safe to me once you’re asleep.”
It was a bit of truth he hadn’t planned to reveal, but now that it was out of the bag, he wasn’t about to take it back. Eli reclaimed some of the space between them, leaning in to study his face. “Yeah?” he didn’t sound convinced.
Samuel sighed out his breath, a short, sharp (and deeply annoyed) exhalation. “When you’re asleep you become vulnerable, and when you’re vulnerable, you’re not scary. Once you’re asleep, I can sleep too.”
It was all perfectly sound logic, but apparently not good enough for Eli. “I hate that I’m a source of fear for you. Especially after all you’ve done for me and my family.”
“I haven’t done jackshit for your family.”
“Then explain why Hailey’s back in school full time or why Nathaniel’s anxiety is suddenly manageable. ”
“I guess they’re getting used to you being here. You know, settling into it. Just like you.”
“I’m not settling into anything, Samuel. It’s you. All of it. Food and protection and companionship—hope. How can you not see those are all things you’ve given me?”
That would have been embarrassing were it true, but thankfully it wasn’t.
“You’re the one who makes the food. I just buy shit from commissary.
And you’re still not sleeping enough. Also, I haven’t protected shit if that bruise on your ribs is anything to go by, and as for the rest, well, when I’m not pissing you off, I’m making you cry. ”
Someone launched something in their direction. A balled-up pair of socks from the looks of it. It hit the corner of the bunk with a neighborly, “Shut up!”
He flipped a rude hand gesture in the general direction of the socks and said, “Fuck you, I’m on my honeymoon.”
Eli tried to school his features into disapproval but ended up laughing instead.
“You see? This is what I’m talking about.
” He brushed the hair off his face. Samuel had been meaning to cut it, but once Eli had started touching it, he’d changed his mind.
“I think about you being in this place, fighting all alone for so many years, and it’s so lonely I can’t stand it.
I don’t know what I would have done without you, Samuel. ”
He hoped the room was dark enough to hide his expression. He was glad he himself couldn’t see it. “Just go to sleep, old man.”