Chapter Fourteen #4
The rejection was too much. He knew it was no time to be thinking of himself, that Eli was in danger—real danger—and everything else was extraneous, but even as he erected barriers between his thoughts and his feelings, he was aware of the hurt, unmistakable even in the wake of his panic.
Eli didn’t want him. Worse, Eli was angry at him.
Pushing him away. He hates me . And the thought brought such a shock of pain it tore through the barriers—all he could feel for a moment. His entire world.
It must have shown. It was impossible to hide such a thing.
Like sitting down to dinner and having a wrecking ball tear through the dining room wall just as you were tucking your napkin into your shirt.
And Eli saw it. Even though his brow had deep furrows of pain and his neck was bathed in sweat he saw, and he paused.
He caught the hand he had only just knocked away and gave it a squeeze.
“No, puppy. You misunderstand. I didn’t mean—”
“It doesn’t matter.” He slammed the barriers back into place, walling off the pain he couldn’t hope to touch. “We need to get you help. In medical—”
The words backed up in his throat as Eli touched his face.
“It’s vanity, Samuel. Not anything you did wrong.
I don’t want you to...” Eli sighed. His shoulders were rigid, but even so he was beginning to sag.
Samuel wanted to pull the man’s arm over his shoulder.
To take his weight. But the look in Eli’s face kept him frozen.
“I have no control over these attacks once they start. My body betrays me, and I become...I don’t want you to see how I become. ”
“I don’t care. It’s nothing. Let me help.”
“It’s not nothing. Not to me. Let me have this, Samuel. Just this. I don’t want you to see.”
It was nothing but stupidity. Next to Eli’s health what was the loss of a little dignity?
He didn’t care, and it didn’t matter—it shouldn’t have mattered.
The man he loved was in danger and here they were bickering over bullshit!
But it wasn’t bullshit. Not to Eli. It was the thing he was holding onto—the thing he needed to keep himself from losing it.
He didn’t know how to let go. He didn’t think it was possible.
But he clenched his teeth and forced himself to turn his head away.
His gaze fell on Rat, who had just reached them and was trying to get an understanding of the situation.
He didn’t give it to him. There was no time.
He took the man by the shoulder and pushed him within Eli’s reach.
“Help him,” he said. “Don’t leave his side. ”
Rat was an inquisitive creature, but to his credit he asked no questions and only nodded.
But that wasn’t enough. Rat was the first person who had shown him any loyalty within the prison walls, but this was also the first time Samuel was putting any real responsibility into his friend’s hands, and he hated that. “Promise.”
He knew that was childish stupidity. If Rat meant to disobey him, he could do it as easily with the promise as without it, but it was all he could think of to do, in prison one’s word was all he had.
Rat took hold of Eli’s arm and hooked his own through to secure it. “I’ll take care of him. Come on, doc. Before you shit yourself.”
As he watched them leave, he had to force himself to stay in place.
Don’t follow , he told himself, the barrier in his mind still in place.
Don’t follow . It was all he wanted to do.
Even if The Android had been standing there with a gun in his hand, it wouldn’t have stopped him from going to Eli.
But he forced himself to be still. Forced it until Eli was finally out of the cafeteria and gone from sight.
Only then did his reason return to him. He remembered Eli’s directions.
“Nat.”
He raced through the other doorway, hardly noticing Bee and Arty trailing at his heels.
As he ran his panic returned and spurred him on further.
He was going too fast to brake in time and slammed into one of the phone boxes.
The force of the impact sent the phone tumbling from its cradle, but he caught the cord and yanked it up with one hand as his fingers sought the familiar numbers with the other.
Nathaniel didn’t take long to answer, but by the time Samuel heard the voice his panic was so strong that for a few moments he couldn’t choke out a single sound until, “He’s been glutened.
In the cafeteria. He sent me away.” He didn’t know if he was making sense.
He didn’t even know if he was even speaking aloud.
His heart was pounding so hard that all he could hear was the blood rushing in his head.
“When?” Nathaniel’s voice was so sharp it cut right through his babbling.
“Just now. At dinner. He got quiet and then I noticed. He started to sweat. And then he sent me away. ”
“What did he eat? What had the gluten in it?”
For the first time he considered the matter of food. To be glutened Eli had to have eaten something with gluten in it. But what had he eaten? The food was supposed to be gluten-free. It was his father’s food. Norm would never serve Eli anything else, which meant—
“It’s my fault.” The sick truth had the barrier in his mind crashing down once more. “He only eats food with labels, but it was my food. the food I brought in. It was supposed to be safe, and he trusted me and I—”
He couldn’t continue. The ball of horror was lodged in his throat, choking him. He had poisoned Eli. He alone had done it. No wonder he’d been sent away. And now Eli was—
“Enough!” Nathaniel’s voice forced him out of his own head. “That doesn’t matter right now. Where is he?”
“With Rat.” It was Nathaniel’s sharpness that had the words tumbling from his mouth. “And Leslie, I think. He didn’t let me come.”
Nathaniel swore, soft but vicious. “He pulls the same shit with me, but at least outside we have access to Dex. How much did he eat? Do you know?”
“I don’t know what had the gluten in it, but he finished most of his plate.” He was going through the dinner in his mind, but he couldn’t make sense of it. The only thing he could think of was the brownie, but Eli hadn’t eaten that.
“Let’s hope it’s only cross-contamination. Then he might escape with just a rough night, but if it’s more than just a trace, this is going to be bad.”
He clung to the phone like one would to a talisman, but there was nothing Nathaniel could do from the outside, and they both knew it. “He told me to say he wouldn’t be able to see you Saturday. ”
Nathaniel swore again, and now there was a note of hysteria in the man’s voice. Maybe more than just a note. Hearing it stirred Samuel’s panic so badly that before he knew it, he’d choked out a sob.
“None of that!” Nathaniel snapped—though not in anger.
He was too scared for anger. “If you fall apart, I will. It’s this stupid panic disorder.
Fucking contagious— shit . He’ll need hydration.
When he’s badly glutened he won’t be able to keep anything down, not even water.
So you need to get him IV fluids. Do you hear me, Samuel?
Go to medical and tell them. It’s in his file.
Make them look at his file. It’s all in there. ”
“What if they don’t listen?”
“They will. I’ll call the warden, and I’ll call an ambulance if I have to. Now take a breath before you pass out.”
He tried to do as he was told. It was true that he felt dizzy, and the floor was doing weird things again. “Medical,” he said. “IV fluids.”
“Right. Exactly. But Samuel—”
He strained his ears to listen, but Nathaniel only sighed.
For a few tense moments there was only the sound of his rushing blood.
“It’s going to be bad, and it’s not going to feel like it ends, but it does.
It’s happened twice since I met him. Once was a cross-contamination.
Once was a real glutening. After that I told myself I’d never let it happen again.
I’m sorry, Samuel. I wish I was there. I need to be there. ”
He wanted to reach through the phone. He needed Nathaniel to be there too. Badly needed it. But there was no point in dwelling on what he needed. Eli was hurting. “Fluids,” he repeated again. “Medical.”
There was the sound of a cut off breath, and then his final directions. “Go.”