Chapter 2 #2
I love my dad to death, and I’m well aware that my family is privileged beyond measure.
He’s always been an incredible dad, but if he can’t see that I’m not made for being a lawyer, I don’t know what to tell him.
At 29, I still don’t know what I am meant to do, but it sure as shit isn’t sitting in an office with a suit on.
That doesn’t make me any less of a success than my sisters, and I hate that he thinks that way.
I like my job, I work hard, and I do really well at it.
That’s all I can ask for right now until I figure myself out.
The start of this getting worse was when Taran moved on from delivering for UPS to become a certified nursing assistant.
He’s a part of the family, and my parents were so thrilled and supportive of him.
The comments started from my dad in earnest. “Why can’t you find something fulfilling and challenging like that?
” he’d ask. Lucia’s laugh pulls me back from my dark thoughts to focus on the conversation.
“If my kids learn nothing else this year, I will get them to learn to stop eating each other’s boogers, so help me,” Lucia is saying, shaking her head as she finishes up one of her entertaining but gross stories about her first graders.
“A perfect dinner time story, thank you so much, Luce,” Rosa deadpans.
“Pass me the boogers, I mean salad, please,” I joke, earning a simultaneous snort from Dani, Rosa, and Anita. Luce kicks me under the table with a playful scowl. We’re reduced to being 12 year olds sometimes, the way we still tease each other.
“How was hauling boxes today, mijo?” My dad’s question comes out innocently enough, but the derision underneath is unmistakable.
I bristle, my jaw clenching. I know he means well.
It’s his pride talking, and wanting what he thinks is best for me.
Why am I the one getting the derision, though?
Teaching is such an incredibly hard and thankless job, but we literally just got done talking about kids eating boogers at school.
A sigh escapes me before I can stop it as I answer him. I put on my most unbothered grin.
“It was good, Papi. My route was fun today, and I tried the new sandwich joint in the next town for lunch. They made a really good muffuletta. I didn’t have to teach anyone to not eat boogers, so that’s a huge bonus, too.
” At the last part, I shoot a wink at my sister, who rolls her eyes at me.
My dad makes a disapproving noise that I’ve come to know too well, and shakes his head.
“You could be doing so much more with your brain and abilities.” He says it softly, almost to himself, but of course we all hear it.
“Hector.” My mom’s normally gentle, sweet voice only gets this sharp when she’s defending her children.
It’s a knife’s edge, her only warning before she goes full mama bear, and one of the only things that gets through to my dad when he is about to make one of his cutting comments to me.
On top of disappointing my dad, I’ve become the main source of tension between him and my mom, which just makes me feel great.
He looks at her though, and when their eyes meet, his face completely softens.
The magic of love. Crisis averted for now, and I think it’s my cue to head out soon before he starts in again.
My mom has him talking about the house closing he handled today.
Next to me, Rosa gives my foot a nudge with hers under the table to look at her, and her brow is furrowed with concern.
We grew up like twins together, and we have our own wordless communication down pat.
“You ok? That was shitty,” she says with her eyes.
I give her the barest nod that I’ll be fine.
It’s nothing new. She nudges my foot again in understanding.
As soon as I down some dessert and help with the dishes, I’m grabbing my jacket and saying my goodbyes.
I give my sisters bear hugs, and my dad and I do an awkward bro hug before he turns his attention back to cleaning up.
My mom walks me to the door, and whispers in my ear, “Papi loves you so much, mijo. He wants the best for you, even though he’s very misguided in how he does it.
I’ll talk to him, ok? Then you two need to sit down and talk.
” I wrap her up in my biggest hug yet as I kiss her cheek.
“Mami, it’s fine. He’s not going to change, and neither will I. We’ll agree to disagree on this.”
“My two favorite men in the world are not going to agree to disagree. We will work this out the way our family has always done,” she tells me in her mama bear voice.
“You and your optimism,” I tell her, giving her another quick kiss to the top of her head. “I’ll see you soon, ok?”
“Goodnight, sweetheart.”
I go home thinking how I’ve dug myself into a hole I’m not sure I’ll ever get out of.
I’ve spent years making sure I don’t take anything too seriously to manage my dad’s expectations of me, and now I don’t think I’ll ever get taken seriously.
I like being the shit stirrer, but it’s getting to the point now where I just want to feel settled.
Like I can breathe and not always be the clown.
My best buddy getting engaged has made me realize I’ve been missing that in my life.
Lyra has settled him, he’s so content and confident in what he wants nowadays. I want that so desperately for myself.