Chapter six #2
“They wanted to throw the party the second week in December. Would that work?”
I pull out my phone and look at my calendar. Soccer season will be over by then and Lilly’s dance recital is the weekend after, so I know I’m free, and I’d be a fool to let this opportunity slip by. “Yes, I can make that work.”
Willow shrieks this time, kicking up her feet. “Yes! This is going to be amazing, and of course, I’ll help with whatever I can.”
“I’m going to hold you to that because I might have to hire everyone I know to help frost cookies and cupcakes on the days leading up to the event.”
Willow tosses her hair over her shoulder. “Hand me an apron and I’m there.”
Once I put the event on my calendar, I put my phone back down and reach for my glass, draining what’s left. “There’s more of this, right?”
Willow laughs as she stands from the couch and heads to the kitchen, grabbing the already open bottle and a slice of pizza, taking a bite of it on her way back to the couch. As she sits, she hands me the bottle and I refill my glass. “So, what else has been going on? How are the kids?”
“Bentley is definitely hitting his pre-teen years. The attitude, the talking back. There are days where I think this can’t get any worse, and then I remember he’s only eleven and I have a long way to go.
” Willow chuckles. “But thankfully he has soccer to keep him grounded. And he’s doing well in school, which is all I can ask for.
Although today he said that he hates school, so I know something must have happened.
And Lilly just has so much energy. I wish I could syphon it from her little body and use some for myself. ”
“She is a rambunctious girl, but so sweet.”
I sigh wistfully. “She is. I know she’s going to keep me on my toes, but I love watching her grow into her own person.
She’s loving her dance classes, is reading so well on her own now, and loves going to school, which I’m so grateful for because Bentley had separation issues when he was younger.
” I sigh and admit, “I just hope I don’t mess the two of them up somehow, you know? ”
Willow moves her eyes down to her lap as she fiddles with the bottom of her sweater. “Astrid, trust me. My parents died when I was two and they still messed me up. I don’t think there’s a way to get around that.”
I close my eyes and sigh. “Shit. I’m sorry, Willow. I didn’t even think about that…”
“Don’t apologize, hon.” She lifts her eyes back to mine.
“I’m just saying, there’s no telling the future.
The only thing you can do is love them with everything you have, and make sure you take care of yourself too.
You are a remarkable mother, Astrid, and I don’t say that lightly.
I’m in awe of you and want you to know that. ”
Trying not to cry, I croak out, “Thank you.”
A few weeks ago, Willow sat down with me and told me the entire story of how she ended up in Carrington Cove, inheriting a house from a mystery benefactor who had known her parents.
She shared her childhood with me, how she grew up with her godparents, and how she met her best friend Shauna in college.
When she unveiled who the man was that left her the house, I couldn’t hide my shock.
After we shared several tears, she vowed not to hide anymore secrets from me, even though I didn’t fault her for being cautious about sharing personal details.
I happen to have a little bit of experience with that as well.
But it felt good to really get to know the woman sitting across from me, a friend that feels like she was destined to be in my life.
And it’s that realization that has me preparing to admit my recent life development before I explode. I take a big sip of wine before I blurt, “I’m going on a date next week.”
Willow’s eyes snap back over to me. “Oh my God! Who’s the lucky guy?”
“Richard Cockwell.” At that, she lets out a surprised laugh that she tries to cover with a fake cough. Ignoring her, I add, “He’s a regular at the bakery who asked me on a date out of the blue last week. We went to high school together, and now he’s a teacher there.”
“Well…that’s great!” she finally says, far too cheerily. “Do you like him?”
“I mean, yeah. He’s a nice guy.”
Willow narrows her eyes at me. “Just nice? He’s your first date in four years and you’re settling for nice?”
I throw my free hand up in the air. “What’s wrong with nice? There aren’t exactly a lot of single men in this town. He asked me out and it felt good to be pursued. Yeah, I’m nervous, but how bad can it be?”
Willow shrugs. “Well, my dating experience is pretty minimal, but I don’t know…I feel like you should be more excited about your first date in years. It’s a big deal!”
Chewing on my bottom lip, I say, “I think I’m more excited about not having to cook a meal and getting to talk to another adult for the night rather than the date part.”
Willow smirks. “Can’t say that I disagree with you there. I guess I just figured if you went out with anyone…it would be Penn.”
My stomach instantly knots and I tilt my head at her. “Why would you think that?”
She folds in her lips and then it’s her turn to take a big gulp of wine. “No reason,” she murmurs, avoiding my eyes.
“Willow Marshall, what aren’t you telling me?” I purse my lips as she squirms on the other end of the couch. Our eyes lock, and her silence speaks volumes.
“I mean…you don’t see it?”
“See what?” I ask, leaning forward slightly in my seat.
“The way he looks at you, Astrid.”
That sends a chill straight down my spine.
The reality is, I’ve been so concerned with not showing how I felt about him that I haven’t really considered how he feels about me.
And so much time has passed since that night when our lips touched and my life was forever changed.
The truth is, I put him in the friend zone after that just so I could be around him and have some semblance of control.
But I’ve seen it.
Hell, I’ve felt it.
And I’ve fantasized about what it would be like to give myself permission to kiss him again.
“I haven’t noticed,” I lie.
Willow arches a brow. “You haven’t noticed, or you haven’t let yourself see it?” I take a swig of my wine, avoiding answering. “That’s what I thought.”
“It’s complicated, Willow.”
“Then explain it to me.” She situates herself into the cushion, tucking her legs up under her. “Because I know I haven’t been here very long, but it only took a couple of encounters with you two to see the affection there. And I’m pretty sure you feel the same way about Penn as he feels about you.”
I remove the clip from my hair and toss it onto the coffee table.
“Of course there’s affection there. It’s Penn.
I’ve known him for most of my life. Even when Brandon and I were stationed in Yuma for a few years, Penn would come out to visit us.
He was the best man in our wedding, waited in the hospital when both kids were born, and has been there whenever I’ve needed him since Brandon died. ”
“Sounds like a pretty great guy, like a man you can count on. Way better than nice.” Willow looks at me knowingly.
“That’s the thing, Willow…I do count on Penn.”
“So you’re saying you wouldn’t consider crossing that line?”
I take another drink of my wine. “Do you want me to admit that I’ve thought about it?”
“Uh, yeah.” She laughs.
“Fine. I have thought about it, more than I probably should.”
Her face softens. “And he’s never said anything to you?”
I stare off into space across the living room. “No, he has…but I shut it down.” I chug down the rest of my wine after that admission.
Willow’s eyes bug out. “What? When did this happen?”
“A little over three years ago,” I tell her. “It was the anniversary of Brandon’s death. There were copious amounts of tequila involved, and we kissed.”
“Holy shit!” Willow shrieks before covering her mouth and lowering her voice. “Sorry.”
“But that was it,” I continue quickly. “It was a momentary lapse in judgment.”
“And nothing ever happened after that?”
“Nope.” I shake my head and reach for the bottle of wine. “And I imagine he’s moved on by now…”
She scoffs. “Uh, doubtful. But would you even be willing to go there again?”
I turn my face to meet her gaze. “I can’t.”
“Why not?”
“Because I can’t risk losing him. And he was Brandon’s best friend—people would have opinions,” I answer honestly.
Willow gives me a sad smile. “I get that. I do. I mean, hell…my relationship with Dallas had its complications too. But nothing worth having comes easily. And excuse my French, but fuck people and their opinions. They’re not the ones living your life, so they don’t get to dictate your happiness.”
I fluff the pillow behind me, more to stall than anything. “I’d rather have Penn as a friend than risk losing him.”
Willow sighs. “That’s too bad, because I know he must feel the same about you.”
I give her my attention again. “What makes you say that?”
“Because I’ve watched him, Astrid. And don’t get me wrong, my experience with men is negligible, but I’ve never seen a man show up for a woman like he does for you.
Well, excluding Dallas, of course.” She winks.
“Throughout the months when he was working on my house, I got to know him. He’s definitely the strong, silent type, but he’s loyal, hardworking, and selfless.
He’s always helping others and pays attention to details.
I just wonder if you’re both so worried about jeopardizing your friendship that you tiptoe around what you both really want, which could be something even better. ”
Everything she said about Penn is true and why I value having him in my life.. “He was right there when Richard asked me out, Willow. Other than being an overprotective friend, he hasn’t made any move to stop me from going on that date.” My heart thrashes wildly as I finally voice that concern.
“Did you think he would?” Willow asks. “I don’t know him as well as you, but I get the feeling that storming in and claiming you isn’t really Penn’s style.”
Maybe it should be—because that would have been really hot.
But stuff like that is only hot in romance novels.
Yeah, I probably would have yelled at him for acting like he owned me.
“So you’re saying…” I continue, pulling myself from my thoughts.
“I don’t know what I’m saying. I just know that I’m proud of you for taking some action in your love life, but I don’t think Richard Cockwell is the man you really want.” She taps her chin with her finger. “And while we’re on the topic, I just have to point out that his name is hideous.”
I can’t help it. I let out a loud laugh that fills the room. “Grady told me I’m not allowed to marry him because of his name alone.”
“I second that.”
“So what do I do? Do I cancel the date?”
Willow ponders her response. “No, I say you go. See if there’s something there, and like you said, at least get a free meal and evening out of it. Plus, I think it will be a good way to see what you really feel for Penn.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, if you’re comparing Richard to Penn all night, that’s a huge red flag.”
“I wouldn’t do that.”
Willow smirks. “Okay, if you say so.”
How does she know that I’ve already done that so many times in my mind?
Penn is much taller than Richard, although Penn is so much taller than most people.
Penn has dark hair, which I favor more than Richard’s dirty blonde.
Penn isn’t afraid to get his hands dirty while Richard’s hands are so pristine he probably gets regular manicures.
But more than anything, the idea of Richard doesn’t get my blood pumping like thinking about Penn does.
Willow snapping her fingers in front of my face pulls me from my thoughts once more. “Hello? Astrid, are you in there?”
“Yeah, sorry.”
“Daydreaming about Penn and his muscles?” she teases.
I roll my eyes and stand from the couch. “No.”
“Liar.” Willow follows me into the kitchen as Lilly comes around the corner, sliding across the tile in her socks.
“Mommy!”
“What’s up, baby girl?”
“Can I have kisses from Daddy, please?” She juts out her bottom lip, turning her nightly ask into a spectacle when she doesn’t really have to.
“Yes, baby. But only two. You’re going to go to bed soon.”
She nods and races over to the vase. “Okay.”
“The vase just guts me every time I see it,” Willow says as she enters the kitchen.
Willow and I watch as Lilly unwraps each kiss and plops them in her mouth, leaving the foil wrappers on the table. Normally I remind her to throw them in the trash, but I’m too transfixed as I watch her. “I know.”
“And who is the one who fills up the vase again?”
“Penn,” I say without pause.
“Hmmm.”
I twist to face Willow again, noticing the smirk on her lips. “What?”
“I’m just saying…a man that takes responsibility of a sentimental gesture like that?” She shakes her head slowly. “That’s the type of man you keep for yourself, Astrid.”
“Subtle.”
She chuckles. “I wasn’t trying to be, but that brings me to my next question. If you’re not willing to act on your feelings, what happens when Penn meets someone else?”
My stomach drops and reminders of my interaction with Miranda Thorn earlier tonight replay in my head. “What do you mean?”
“Well, I mean, he won’t be single forever, right? Eventually some woman is going to catch his attention, value him for everything that he is. He won’t be in your life the same way he is now, that’s for sure.”
“Oh, well…” Sweat starts to build at my temples. “Penn’s allowed to live his life…” My pulse is racing and I’m sure my concern is written all over my face.
She pats my shoulder and then walks back to the couch. “I think my work here is done.”
I curse her as I have a mild panic attack in the kitchen after she Jedi-ninjaed my mind.
What if Penn starts seeing someone?
I doubt it would be Miranda, but still.
What if she doesn’t want him spending time with me and the kids anymore?
Would he still come over for game night?
Would he still coach Bentley’s soccer team?
Would he still pick up the phone if I needed him?
I could scream from all the questions Willow’s mind game just plagued me with. But ultimately, there’s only one question that needs answering: What am I going to do about it?