Chapter twelve Astrid
Chapter twelve
Astrid
“Mommy, why were you talking to God last night?” Lilly asks as she eats her cereal for breakfast.
I nearly spit my coffee all over the kitchen floor. Stuttering, I say, “What?”
“I heard you yelling, ‘Oh God! Oh God!’” She furrows her brow at me. “If you were praying, Mommy, I think you could be a little quieter next time.”
This is what mortification must feel like in its purest form.
It’s Monday morning and Tanya is opening the bakery today, so I didn’t have to be there as early as usual. But it’s the morning after Penn and I finally discussed what is happening between us, and I’m already in a situation I am totally unequipped to handle.
“Uh. I’m sorry,” I reply, still in shock. “I’ll try to keep it down next time.”
“It’s okay, Mommy. I pray sometimes too.”
“Really, baby? What do you pray for?”
“To see Daddy again.”
And there’s the knife slicing straight through my chest. My eyes travel across the room to a family picture on the wall, staring at the face of the man I should want to see again too.
My brain instantly wonders what he would think about this development between me and Penn.
Yes, I wish Brandon was here for my kids. But in my heart, I know it’s time to let him go so I can move on. If he were still alive, I probably would have moved on a long time ago, and I can’t keep living my life in fear of what other people might think.
Easier said than done, of course.
“I wish you could see Daddy again too, baby. But remember,” I say, walking over to her to press my palm to her heart, “he’s always in here.”
“I don’t want to go to school,” she says suddenly, changing the subject out of nowhere.
“Well, I’m sorry. But if you don’t go to school, then Mommy goes to jail. And we don’t want that.”
She tilts her head at me, considering this scenario. “If you go to jail, will we live with Uncle Penn?”
“What?” I ask her, surprised.
“I think it would be fun to live with Uncle Penn. He always has candy and games for us to play, and he kisses my boo-boos when I get hurt.”
Maybe getting Lilly on board with the idea of Penn and me dating won’t be a challenge after all. Convincing Bentley, on the other hand… Something tells me that’s not going to be quite as easy.
“Are there anymore waffles?” Bentley asks as he stumbles into the kitchen, his dark hair still a mess from his sleep, but at least he’s dressed.
“There should be some in the freezer,” I tell him.
He moves to the freezer and pulls it open. “Are they chocolate chip?”
“Yes.”
“I don’t want chocolate chip. I want blueberry.”
“Well, we eat what we have.”
He slams the door shut and heads back toward his room. “Ugh. I just won’t eat then.”
Taking a deep breath, I blow out my frustration and remind myself that he’s just a kid, even though sometimes my children can feel like mental terrorists, eager to see just how far they can push me until I snap.
And as I wait for my mother to arrive to take them to school, I wonder whether things might be easier if I had someone by my side to help handle it all, someone who’s been there through everything anyway and knows what this life is like. Someone like Penn.
***
“What are you doing in here?” The chime above the front door of the shop rings just as Willow steps inside.
“What? Am I not allowed to come visit you?” Her voice is almost an octave higher than normal, so I know she has an ulterior motive. We may not have been friends for very long, but I’d say I already have a pretty good read on Willow.
“You are, but it’s Monday, and I usually see you on Saturdays for your weekend supply of blueberry muffins.” I move toward the case, ready to fill a box for her, but she stops me.
“Fine. I’m not here for muffins. I’m here to see how it went with Penn last night.”
“Willow!” My eyes dart over to the customers sitting at the table in the corner. I don’t recognize them, so I’m pretty sure they’re tourists, but I don’t want to take any chances. “Don’t say stuff like that out loud,” I chastise through a whisper.
“Why?”
I wave her behind the counter and motion for her to follow me back to my office. Tanya and Anthony are frosting a cake for a special order, and Vanessa is washing dishes. “Vanessa, can you please watch the front for a few minutes? I’m going to talk to Willow really quick in my office.”
“Sure, Astrid. No problem.” She wipes her hands dry and then heads out to the front of the shop.
When Willow and I are securely behind my office door, she turns to me, her arms crossed over her chest. “What’s going on?”
I look up at the ceiling in contemplation. “I just don’t want to talk about Penn around other people.”
“Why not?” And then her eyes widen. “Oh, God. Did things not go well?”
I fight back my smile. “No, they did. But we’re keeping things quiet for now.” And avoiding talking about the elephant in the room, but I can’t go there just yet.
Willow claps her hands together. “Oh my God!”
“Shhh! I don’t want Anthony and Tanya to hear you.”
“Sorry, but can I just tell you how excited Dallas and I are?”
My smile falls. “What? Dallas knows?”
“Yeah.” Willow stares at me with a pinch in her brow. “Did Penn not tell you?”
“Tell me what?” My pulse is wild as I wait for her to continue.
“Dallas was the one that told him to, in his terms, ‘shit or get off the pot’ where it concerns you. Penn was about to punch Richard Cockwell in the face when he came into the restaurant one night, and that’s when Dallas told him he’d better do something about his feelings for you before he lost you. ”
My hand comes up to my mouth. “Oh my God.”
“I told you, Astrid…we all saw it. We knew how he felt about you, which is why I thought it was so crazy that you didn’t.”
“I didn’t allow myself to see it,” I admit in a whisper.
“Now you do though, right?”
“Yes…”
“And you two are going to see where it goes?”
“Yeah.” I swallow hard, still not resolute in how I feel.
I know what my heart and body want, but my head is having a hard time catching up.
“But like I said, we’re keeping it under wraps for right now.
With the grand reopening next week and Penn starting his new business, we don’t want our personal lives to interfere with our business and reputations.
You know how people can talk in this town. ”
Willow huffs out a laugh. “Um, yeah. I’m aware. The longer I live here, the more I learn about myself from other people.”
“Really? What are they saying?”
“That Dallas knocked me up and that’s why I’m staying. That I’m on the run from the law and I’m hiding out in Carrington Cove. Or my favorite…that I’m actually one of those undercover bosses and I’m here to shut down Dallas’s restaurant, but I decided to date him first.”
Laughing, I say, “Where the hell do people come up with this stuff?”
“The hell if I know, girl.” Willow shrugs. “Whatever. The important thing is to not let people’s opinions dictate your happiness.”
“I’m not,” I say, moving my attention to some papers on my desk. But Willow stops me and forces me to look at her.
“Astrid…”
“I just need some time, Willow.” I can feel the tears building but I blink them away. “I’m crazy about Penn. In fact, I didn’t know what I was missing. Being with him is…”
“Life-changing,” she finishes for me.
“Yes. But it’s also terrifying. And I need to decide how to talk to him about everything that I’m feeling. I don’t want to mess that up.”
She nods. “Then take your time, but promise me that you’ll be honest with him eventually.”
There was so much I wanted to say last night, so many concerns and thoughts that have been plaguing me.
But as soon as he kissed me, the words left my brain.
Only after we had sex was I reminded of everything we have to face, but then he told me how long he’s wanted this, how much he cares about me.
I didn’t want to dampen the moment. I didn’t want to ruin the high.
So I kept it all in, letting my anxiety fester yet again. But the orgasms definitely helped me sleep, so there is an upside to all of this.
“I will,” I say, coming back to our conversation.
“Then in the meantime, enjoy all the sex.” She bounces her eyebrows up and down, releasing her hand from my arm.
Giggling, I say, “Oh, believe me. I don’t think that will be a problem.”
She smiles brightly. “I’m so happy for you. Now I bet you can’t wait for Hazel’s passion party, huh?”
I slap my palm to my forehead. “Shit. That’s next Saturday, right?”
“Yup. And then the benefit is two weeks after that.”
“Ugh. And the grand reopening is one week from today, then it’s Thanksgiving. I can’t keep anything straight right now.”
Penn has not only scrambled my emotions, but my sense of time as well.
She reaches out to rub my arm again. “It will be fine. Focus on the reopening right now, and the rest can wait. Is there anything I can do to help?”
“Yeah. Do you know someone that can do some printing for me in less than a week?” I say, knowing I need new menus, business cards, and other marketing materials for the reopening with the new name of the bakery.
She takes out her cell phone, her thumbs poised over the screen. “Absolutely. Just tell me what you want and your wish is my command.”
“You’re like my own personal genie.”
“Damn straight. And you don’t even have to rub me the right way to get what you need.”
***
Penn lets out another yawn as he slides his card in front of Lilly. It’s game night and we’re playing Kids Create Absurdity. It’s basically Cards Against Humanity, but a kid-friendly version.
“You okay over there?”
He nods. “Yeah. I’m fine. Why?”
I tilt my head at him. “Because you can’t stop yawning.”
He covers up his mouth as another yawn escapes. “It’s just been a long week.”
I want to press him further, but Lilly starts reading off the cards in front of her and chooses Bentley’s card, crowning him as the winner. “Aw, man!”
Bentley stands up from his chair and does a celebratory dance. “Heck yeah! It’s all about knowing your audience,” he explains to the three of us.