Chapter fifteen Penn #3
Reaching for her hand, I bring it to my lips, pressing a soft kiss against her skin, something I just can’t seem to stop doing. “I know, but it’s taken a long time for me to get to this point, Astrid. I just didn’t want to burden anyone else. I feel selfish enough branching out on my own.”
Astrid huffs out a laugh and leans back in her chair again.
“You’re preaching to the choir here. You think I didn’t have the exact same struggle when I bought the bakery?
You think I don’t feel guilty every time I’m getting home late at night, missing time with my kids?
Worrying if they’ll grow up feeling like I’m more concerned about my business than them? ”
“Are you kidding? If anything, you’re showing them how important it is to chase your dreams.” I tell her. “You’re teaching them that it’s okay to go after something you want, to pour your heart and soul into it. I’m so fucking proud of you for taking that risk.”
She shakes her head at me. “So how is it that you can say those things about me, but you can’t tell yourself the same thing, Penn?”
Her question stuns me for a second, because she’s right.
Why is it so easy for us to see the good in someone else, but not in ourselves? To support other people, but hold doubt inside?
Why can’t I accept that I am worthy of Astrid, and that it’s ok to show up for myself instead of everyone else for once?
Her words slam straight into my chest and give me so much clarity, it’s as if I’m seeing the world through a new lens.
“I—I don’t know.” Shaking my head, I say, “But I’m working on it.
I actually put in my two weeks’ notice this morning.
Dropped off a letter at the restaurant and the hardware store before I picked you up.
I haven’t heard from Dallas or Mrs. Hansen, so I don’t know if they’re mad or they were expecting it, but I’m ready to start this next chapter of my life.
” I bring her hand to my lips. “And that includes you and the kids, Astrid.”
She grows visibly uncomfortable for just a second, but then I watch her brush it off. “I would love to take the kids here one day.” She looks around the pub. “Not here, obviously. But this little town, to a mountain getaway.”
“They would love that.”
“I mean, I guess I can now. I’m my own boss. The bakery is doing really well, so I can finally afford it.”
I squeeze her hand. “We will make it happen. You’re not on your own anymore, Astrid. Okay?”
Her eyes bounce back and forth between mine. “Penn, I’ve never been completely on my own.” For a second, I’m not sure what she’s saying, but she continues. “You’ve always been there for me, but I’m talking about independence. Even after Brandon died, my mother was helping me survive financially.”
“I didn’t know that. I would have fucking helped you, Astrid. I have plenty of money in the bank…”
“You and I both know that I wouldn’t have taken it.” She’s right. “But you were there for me in other ways, ways that no other man ever has.”
Fuck. Is this where we’re going to discuss Brandon? In a pub with people milling around us?
“You two aren’t from around here, are you?” An old woman comes up to the table, dropping off my burger and fries and Astrid’s fried chicken dinner on our table.
“How’d you know?” I ask her, slightly irritated that our conversation was interrupted, but grateful for the distraction at the same time. That discussion needs to wait until we are back in the privacy of the cabin.
“Just a hunch.” She brushes her gray hair over her shoulder and extends her hand to me. “I’m Dolores.”
“Nice to meet you, Dolores.” I shake her hand and then Astrid does the same.
“And I’m Donald.” An older gentleman steps up beside her, placing two fresh beers on the table. “Dolores’s old man.”
She swats at him, but he leans in and presses a kiss to her cheek.
“Do you two own this bar?” Astrid asks, popping one of my fries in her mouth.
“We do,” Dolores says. “I’d always wanted to run a little place like this, and when we retired up here, the old owners sold it about a year later. Donald turned to me and said, you wanna knock that item off your bucket list?”
“And she thought I was crazy.” We all share a laugh. “We’d just retired, you know? But honestly, it was one of the best things that could have happened to us.”
Astrid and I share a look. Yeah, I’m sure she’s feeling the same way about her decision to buy the bakery. The jury’s still out on my venture, but I have faith I’ll feel the same way one day.
“Astrid just opened up her own bakery,” I say, bragging about her accomplishment since I know she won’t.
Dolores’s eyes light up and she pulls out a chair at our table, taking a seat. “That’s incredible. Congratulations.”
“Honey, let these two eat in peace,” Donald tells her, but Astrid insists she’s free to join us, so I let it happen.
Almost an hour later, the four of us have shared another round of beers, we learn that Donald was a truck driver for forty years, Dolores worked at the post office for thirty, and they’ve been married for almost forty-five years.
“You two aren’t married?” Dolores asks, waving a finger between the two of us.
Our eyes meet and I decide to answer the question for us. “Not yet.”
Astrid’s eyes bug out and then she picks up her beer, drinking instead of remarking on my answer. Dolores picks up on the shift in her demeanor. “Something tells me there’s a story here.”
“There is, but it’s complicated,” I reply.
She leans in closer to Astrid. “If you don’t snatch up this man, someone else will, honey. The way he looks at you? Most people never see a love like that in their entire lives.” Her eyes shift to her husband. “Luckily, I’m not one of them.”
Donald blows her a kiss. “I still can’t stop staring at you, baby. That’ll never change.”
Astrid clears her throat. “You two are very lucky.”
“Luck is only a sliver of what it takes, you two,” Dolores adds. “It takes a lot of work, but when you have someone who supports you through thick and thin, it doesn’t feel like work.”
Astrid smiles at her. “Then you deserve all of your happiness.” I watch her stand, smoothing her shirt down before she announces, “Excuse me. I’m going to the restroom.”
The three of us watch her walk away and then Dolores stands from her chair. “I’m going to go check on things.” She pats Donald’s arm and walks away, leaving the two of us alone.
“It’s complicated, huh?” He echoes my words from earlier with a grin on his lips.
“You have no idea.”
“Lay it on me.” He leans back in his chair and rests his arm along the back of it.
I don’t know this man, but hell—the advice from a man that’s been married for longer than I’ve been alive might just be worth something. “She was married before…to my best friend. He died four years ago.”
Understanding flashes across Donald’s face. “Ah. Yes...that is complicated.”
“Told ya. And they had two kids together. They were high school sweethearts and I’ve been in their lives for so long that it feels like…”
“Betraying him,” he finishes for me.
I nod. “He used to brag to me all the time about their marriage. I was envious…”
Donald scratches his chin through his thick, gray beard.
“You know, my father asked me something when I was debating what I wanted to do about Dolores. We were teenagers when we met, too, but I knew she was it for me. I didn’t want to wait to start my life with her, but I was worried about what people might think. ”
“Yeah, I understand that too, more than you know.”
Donald taps his fingers on the table. “But my father said, ask yourself this: if you were in a room full of every person you’ve ever met in your entire life, who would you look for first? If the answer is her, then you know what to do.”
For a moment, I picture walking into a room full of every person I’ve ever met—friends, family, people that live in our town. But the only face I’d want to see is Astrid’s.
“It doesn’t matter if she was his first. What matters is that she’s the one you were supposed to find now.
” Donald smirks at me once again. “And that means that she never really belonged with him forever in the first place.” Donald stands and I watch him move, his body unfolding as he lengthens his spine.
“Thank you, Donald—for your hospitality and your advice.”
“My pleasure, Penn. Good luck. Any woman that’s worth fighting for won’t make it easy, just remember that too.” With a wink, he walks off to check on another table and within minutes, Astrid returns.
“You okay?” I ask her, noticing her cheeks are flushed.
“Yes. The heat in that bathroom was unreal.” Fanning her face with her hands, she blows out a breath.
“You ready to start heading back?”
“Yeah. I’m beat and full.” Her hand rubs circles around her stomach.
“Well, I hope you’re not too full.” I stand and offer her my hand. “We still have to fit in dessert.”
Taking my hand, she stands from her seat, reaching behind her to grab her jacket from the back of the chair. “Is that an inuendo, or do you actually expect us to eat more tonight?”
“It’s both, Astrid. Just always assume it’s both.”
***
When we walk into the cabin, I head straight for the wood burning stove and load a few more logs in to keep the heat going. Astrid was quiet during the entire ride home, and I knew the conversation with Dolores and Donald must have gotten to her.
I find Astrid standing in the kitchen, filling up a glass of water from the fridge. I wait for her to finish drinking until I come up behind her and grab her hand.
“What the…”
“Come with me.”
Leading her into our bedroom, I head straight for the bathroom and make her stand in front of the mirror over the counter with me behind her.
“Penn? What are we doing?”