Chapter Twenty-Six
Iona
I ona shielded her eyes, gazing up as the plane crossed the brilliant blue sky. Her heavy heart was ready to crack open. The wind tugged at her hair, and she tossed back her ponytail. She was too late. Too late to say the words she wanted to say to Monty’s face.
His plane climbed higher, becoming a speck against the sky.
‘Bye-bye. I love you.’ A tear rolled down her cheek, and she pushed it away with the heel of her hand. Maybe it was better that she hadn’t caught him. What good would it have done? It wasn’t like he could stick around. This way, she could start the healing process without muddying the water any further.
She slumped into her car, staring forward, leaving the door open for air. Suddenly the heat was stifling. Waves crashed nearby and seabirds let out their sharp cries, some of them sounding almost as miserable as she felt. Monty was gone. She crossed her hands on the steering wheel and rested her forehead on them. Moping wasn’t her style, but the weight on her shoulders was so heavy she couldn’t shake it off or find the energy to move. She wasn’t sure what she wanted to do, or what the purpose of life was.
For a long time she sat, head down, the heat burning into her, until eventually she looked up and took a breath. Sitting here all day would be a stupid waste of time. She started the engine and drove on autopilot to Castlebay. Her mind kicked into action again as she spied Kisimul Castle. It may not be pronounced the way it looked on paper, but she’d never be able to think about it now as anywhere other than the place where she’d first kissed Monty. It really was the castle of kisses for her now.
She carried on towards the farm, completely at a loss as to what to do. Maybe she should take Scamp for a walk or go for a run. Her head told her that would help, but her body wasn’t playing along, and she couldn’t coax it into doing anything, because really, it would be so much easier just to go to her room and stare at the ceiling.
The stairs up to her room were like climbing a mountain. She slumped on the edge of the bed, staring at the wall. What the hell was wrong with her? This was ridiculous. She’d never known herself to have so little energy.
A few minutes, maybe longer, had passed when there was a knock at the door. She sighed and called out, ‘Come in.’
Catriona peered in. ‘Hey. I just came to check you were ok.’
Iona gave a little shrug. Honestly, she wasn’t, but she didn’t want to let on how weak she was. Running away was always easier. When shit had hit the fan before with her old job and her ex, she’d come here. Now Monty had gone, and she was far safer staying upstairs, living in denial, than trying to change things. ‘I’m fine.’
Catriona raised an eyebrow and shook her head. ‘No, you’re not.’ She walked over and sat beside her, putting an arm around her shoulders. Iona leaned into it, letting out a shaky breath.
‘It’s just…’ Iona began, but the words stuck in her throat.
‘It’s ok.’ Catriona gave her shoulder a squeeze. ‘You don’t have to say anything right now if you don’t want to.’
Iona nodded, her eyes welling up with tears. ‘This is so stupid. Why am I getting upset like this?’
‘Because you’re not fine. I understand. I was there… With Eilidh’s dad. It hurts. I get it. He was a dick, so I guess that helped me get over him, but it wasn’t easy. Especially when I found out I was pregnant.’
‘You were so brave.’
‘Not really. What else could I do? That was when he showed his true colours and decided he didn’t want anything to do with the baby. At least you know Monty wouldn’t do that.’
‘True.’ Iona nodded. ‘I’m just so confused.’
‘About your feelings?’
‘Yes.’ And even admitting it made her feel stupid. Why was she letting a man affect her so badly?
‘You fell hard, didn’t you?’
‘It sounds idiotic when you put it like that.’
‘Why? You’re allowed to have feelings.’
‘Why him? Why did it have to be him? Someone I can’t have?’ She let out an angry huff. ‘I’ve never felt like this about anyone.’
‘I don’t think it ever makes sense, like why we fall for some people and not others.’
‘The thing is, even if he’d stuck around, how would I know that’s what I wanted?’
‘I guess it’s about commitment and whether or not you’re willing to try. It’s also about how he feels about you. Does he like you too? I thought he did, but when you told me about his ex… Well, is he going to try and get back together with her?’
Iona shook her head. ‘He said he wasn’t. He told me…’ The words stuck in her throat, and she tried to flap away the tears. ‘Told me… He didn’t love her.’
‘Oh…’ Catriona rubbed Iona’s back, watching her with a frown. ‘I guess that something.’
‘He also said he loved me.’
‘Did he?’ Catriona’s eyes widened. ‘Wow. And what did you say?’
‘Nothing. I was too shocked, I suppose. And it wouldn’t have made any difference. He can’t stay here, and I can’t go back to city life. Nothing can change. I just have to live with it.’
‘Maybe. But you could at least message him and tell him the truth.’
‘Hello…’ The door opened a crack and little Eilidh peered around. ‘What’s wrong?’ she asked Iona.
‘Eilidh, sweetheart, why don’t you go and fetch Iona a drink of water? Give us a moment.’
Eilidh hesitated, her gaze shifting between Iona and her mum. ‘But I want to know why she’s crying.’
‘It’s ok, Eilidh.’ Iona forced a smile and opened her arms. Eilidh rushed forward, wrapping her arms around Iona’s waist. ‘I’m just sad that Monty had to leave.’
‘Why?’ Eilidh stared up at Iona with wide eyes.
Iona’s heart twisted. She stroked Eilidh’s hair gently. ‘It’s complicated. Sometimes things happen that we don’t like and have no control over.’
Catriona patted Eilidh’s shoulder. ‘Go on, Eilidh. Get the water like I asked, please.’
‘Ok, Mummy.’ She darted out of the room, leaving Iona and Catriona in silence.
Iona took a deep breath, trying to compose herself. ‘I need to pull myself together.’
‘Be kind to yourself.’
Iona nodded. She glanced towards the window, the bright afternoon sunlight shining through. ‘I just wish…’
‘Things were different?’
‘Yeah,’ Iona whispered, her eyes drifting shut momentarily. ‘But they’re not.’
‘It’ll be worse now, but it’ll get better. You’re strong.’
‘I hope so,’ Iona sighed.
Catriona patted her knee. ‘I understand it’s hard, but you need to be honest with him, even if it’s painful. Don’t hide away and pretend none of this ever happened. Face it.’
A noise from the door made them both look up. Alex had his hand on it and held it open, and Eilidh shuffled in with a glass of water in her small hands.
‘Here, Iona.’ She held out the glass.
Alex’s gaze landed on Catriona. ‘I wanted to make sure she didn’t spill it.’
Catriona looked away. ‘Right.’
‘Come on, Eilidh,’ he said. ‘Let’s give your mum and Iona some space to talk. We can go down to the beach if you like.’
‘Yeah cool.’ She jumped on him and he laughed.
Iona smiled, but Catriona was stony faced.
‘He’s so great with her,’ Iona said.
‘Yeah.’ Catriona got to her feet. ‘You have a rest, then figure out what you want to say to Monty, because I have a feeling this isn’t the end yet.’