34. Chapter 34
Saint
I thank my friends and promise I'll ask for help if I need it. My chest feels raw after the recent revelations, but I tell myself it's good. It's progress. It's life-changing. All I need to figure out next is what to tell Ames when our loose deadline comes.
I take the glass to the bar and ask for a water bottle. More than a drink, I need breathing room. No wonder that my steps take me to the terrace.
The night is dry and cold. No one is out here but me.
I sit on one of the terrace couches and gaze at the twinkling lights of the city.
I sigh. The next two weeks are going to be extremely busy with training and media.
I don't know how the hell I'm supposed to find the time to fling myself into the abyss, and tell Ames how I feel.
As long as Ames doesn't push me off the cliff herself somehow, chances are I'll have to wait until after the game to tell her everything.
See where that leads. If it means finding a way to go back to the friendship we used to have before she moved in, then coming to terms with that.
If it doesn't, happiness will shield me when convincing Pablo that dating Ames won't follow my tired old scripts .
It's ok. I can still be with her without revealing my whole heart just yet. Seeds can be planted. Dreams entangled. I don't have to wait to chat with her the way I want to for the rest of my life.
Saint : Are you still at Evie's?
I leave my water bottle next to me on the cushion and hold my phone in both hands. Three dots have appeared on my screen, and they put a smile on my face.
Ames : No, I'm at home now. How's the party?
Saint : It's okay. Smaller than it could have been
Ames : I bet. I wish I had been there to celebrate with you. I complained about it profusely to my friends.
Saint : Yeah?
Ames : Every time you showed up on TV. This was the game I could go to, and I didn't get to?
I still grin when I call her. She answers right away.
"Even though you get too nervous watching games?" I ask.
"Yeah. Seemed… important."
"Aw. You care about me, at least a little."
"Of course I do. Don't tell me it surprises you?"
"Maybe it does, maybe it doesn't. The important part is I got to hear you saying you care about me."
I want her to care. Everything could change if she cares. Even if all she wanted me for was a fun hookup. Caring means she might consider more with me.
"You're important to me, Saint," she repeats. "Everyone was upset we couldn't be there to celebrate with you all. I was upset the most, because I won't be there for the next one. "
A cool breeze moves through the terrace and I shiver. I keep my voice quiet, letting this conversation be only for us.
"I wish you could come."
"Now, with everything…" She gives me a long sigh. "Me, too."
Her voice, with softly spoken words and a lingering warmth… They blanket me.
"The fact you want to go means a lot," I say.
"I'll be thinking of you while I'm in LA. Maybe I can watch the game on TV that Sunday. I don't have any meetings that day. I'll get a chance to send you a hundred messages again."
"I would welcome a thousand. I love getting to read your reactions after the game."
"I will. A thousand and ten texts at the very least."
"Maybe we can make it into a tradition. If I have to go play for another team…"
I don't know what makes me say that. Once upon a time, weeks before I sacrificed myself as her rebound and just after her breakup, we talked about what would happen if I end up leaving. In a few words, I told her she could keep living in my condo for as long as she needed to.
That's still true, even as it takes a new shape inside of me.
Whether I stay or go, I want her to live with me.
That won't happen if she doesn't want to do this new thing with me, or if I end up on the other end of the country.
Fuck.
"I don't like to think about you leaving," she whispers.
"I don't like to think about it, either."
This is scary. How to tell her I offered to teach her how to end things, and now I want to try for forever with her. How to tell her that even if I have to leave, I don't want to leave this thing between us. How to find a way to tell Pablo I'm possibly in love with Ames .
"Then let's not think about it," she says. "Evie told me you might get MVP. They will have to keep you, right? No way they can give away the MVP."
"That's the hope."
"Ugh. Saint. Lie to me if you have to, why don't you? Tell me you'll stay here in this city."
"I can't lie to you," I say. "And I can't make promises I don't know if I can keep."
I need to be careful. So careful, to promise things I know I can do.
I can promise I'll give it my all.
"Winning isn't entirely in my power," I add. "But we'll make it work."
"I know you'll do everything you can," she whispers.
"I will. So hard."
Could I commute? Sure. Some players do… when they have a family that needs to stay put, for the kids' school or the spouse's job.
I'd be willing, for a relationship with Ames and for my friends.
But it would take a toll, and maybe blacklist me with my new team.
I wouldn't be spending much quality time with them, after all.
I can live with that, if it means living with Ames and our future. Staying in my friends' lives.
Another cold gust of air envelops me, but it doesn't affect me much. A source of heat has taken hold of my chest. It feels like determination.
"You never do things halfway." Her tone is wistful. "I know you'll be here if you say you will."
"Rule number seventy seven. You deserve their whole effort. I'll give you full effort."
"Saint." She laughs. "How many numbers did you skip there? I'm pretty sure you haven't given me more than ten rules. What were those again?"
If she's forgetting the things I told her about keeping things casual, I can't say that I'm upset. If I can start planting thoughts in her head about what I'd want to give her, that's a pretty good use of the rules game .
"Rule number one hundred twelve." I smile into the phone, even though she can't see it. "Forget about the rules, and go for what you want. I'll do the same."
"Yeah? What do you want?"
I gaze out to the city again. A million tiny lights flicker in the dark of the night. The kinetic energy of my quick-beating heart could power a million more.
"You," I say.
She stays silent for a second, two, five, and I hold my breath through it. Until she chuckles.
"I guess winning excites you, huh?"
I smirk, even if she can't see it. "Yeah, we can say that."
"I want you too, Saint."
I don't move. She thinks I was talking about sex. That I meant it as a seduction. I'm too flirty to assume anything else, and my fame still precedes me. She has good reason to come to that conclusion.
"Right here, next to me in bed," she adds in a whisper.
Fuck me all over again. Not that she's wrong. I want her that way, too. All the time. The way my cock is already responding to her suggestion is proof enough.
In the face of not knowing what to do to show her what I mean in love, I go for what I know the best.
"Yeah?" My voice has gone deeper. "Ready to sleep, or…"
"Or." She takes a deep breath. "Have I told you how amazing you look in that tight football uniform? And those clothes you wear…"
"What about when I'm not wearing any clothes? Do you like that, too?"
"Always. I think I like you always."
My heart stops.
"Fuck." I close my eyes and rub my face. "When I met you, you came to dinner in jeans and a loose white blouse. I've never seen anything sexier. You made it sexy. The look you gave me— I've never forgotten."
"And when I'm wearing no clothes? "
I shift forward on the couch until my head rests on the edge of the back cushion. My cock finds room in the tight confines of my pants, but I ignore it. I keep my hand away and fist my water bottle instead.
"You naked on my bed is my favorite sight," I rasp.
She moans. I squeeze the bottle in my hand, begging the cold to keep me in control. Where's another breeze when you need one?
I lick my bottom lip. "You have no idea the sight you are. All those indulgent curves, all that flesh I can touch and make mine. Decadent and fucking plump. Melting into my sheets. I want to get lost in your body. Over and over again."
"Gael…"
"Touch yourself like I would. You know how I would touch you, Amelia. Caress your skin, explore the dips and hills. Give me those sounds again."
"I want it to be you."
"I'll do it again. Again and again for as long as you let me."
"Gael—"
"Get the vibe. Yours. So you can imagine I'm inside you and playing with your clit at the same time."
"I'm already close, just with my fingers."
"Let it be the vibe. Please. So I can control it from my phone. Let it be me. I need it to be me. Please."
For a little while, all I can hear is her fast breathing, a few escaped sounds from her throat, and my own blood rushing in my ears. Precum builds and if I move even a little, it will leak into my underwear.
I keep myself still, except for my hand. The bottle was cold enough to create condensation on the plastic, wetting my hand. I slide my palm under the bottom of my shirt, up my abs and to my chest. The cold air chills the watery path. It doesn't help as much as I thought it would.
She moans. The water might as well have been lava.
"Are you pressing it into your clit, Ames? Did you push it inside?"
"I'm imagining it's you. "
I jerk my hips once, despite trying not to. The friction of my clothes is enough to make my eyes roll up.
Fuck. I'm going to come in my pants again at this pace.
"Make it go faster, Saint."
"I'll do more than that."
I check my surroundings. I'm still alone, but I'm outside. It's fine for now. I tap on my phone until I'm on the vibrator's app. Without fully thinking of it, I choose a faster setting and a different pattern.
She whines.