36. Chapter 36
Saint
The peak of my career is brighter than I thought.
I'm building to the biggest game in the sport.
I'm busier than I've ever been, going for gold with training and the media.
Cortisol runs in my veins, pushing me to go harder, making me fly through this time so I can land in Ames' arms at the end of it.
I've never been closer to my dreams than I am right now. That's why I smile as I ride the elevator to the condo. My heart drums against my breastbone, because while the quick meal Ames promised me is a brief goodbye, I know what awaits me on the other side.
When I come back from San José and she comes back from LA, our schedules will open up for a short while.
I'll make the most of that time. I'll ask her on a date and make it special.
Words I haven't chosen yet will ask her to give me a chance.
If she wants to, she'll take my hand. I'll hold on to it, and never let go.
I grin just thinking about it.
The door closes behind me with an energetic click. "Honey, I'm hooooome."
I expect laughter. Maybe some music in the air. Instead, there's only silence .
I stop in my tracks. My smile cools down. I scan the condo from my spot in the entrance, searching for clues. All is still, almost with a museum quality to it, except for the piano bench. It's open, for some reason. I didn't know it did that.
"Saint?"
Ames' voice comes from the kitchen, hidden around the corner.
I find her behind the island. The line of her shoulders pulls down, weighed by invisible anchors. Her brow wrinkles. Her lids are red.
She hasn't looked like this in weeks.
I take a few steps to her and jolt to a stop. "What happened?"
She blinks a few times, like she's trying to make up her mind.
"Ames. Please. Something happened. Tell me what it is so I can make it better."
"But you have to leave soon, and I don't want to wreck your concentration. And the food— it's going to go cold—"
I briefly glance behind her. A beautiful spread waits on the counter.
The way my stomach twists, I don't think I can do the meal justice.
"What's going on?" I insist.
I don't move, beyond grabbing the edge of the stool in front of me.
Ames shakes her head. "It should wait. We can talk after."
"Please. Nothing is more important than finding out why you look like you've been crying."
She holds herself up with hands firmly planted on the counter stone. My knuckles go white.
She sighs. "Aidan showed up outside of the building a while ago."
"What?!"
Sudden anger resounds in my voice. Buzzing fills my ears and power bolts through my limbs, as if I have to fight a wild animal. It's the rage that Aidan could wreck our bliss once more, and the sudden urge to protect Ames from whatever he caused her.
She shakes her head. "He wanted the notebook where he wrote his songs and a few poems. He left it inside the piano bench. "
She makes a small gesture to the instrument behind me.
I keep my eyes on her. "Did you burn it and tell him to go to hell?"
She smirks. "No. I got some anger out and told him to get lost. Again."
"So… we get to burn the notebook together when I'm back?"
"Undecided, but you tempt me."
I purse my lips. Clench my jaw. He probably planned the whole thing. I can see it— Aidan leaving the notebook in the bench, biding his time. He didn't seem to believe Ames the first time… or the second time. This gave him one last chance.
Not what matters now.
"Are you okay?" is all I ask.
She nods. "I'll be okay. It just got me thinking."
Anger turns into fear. My stomach turns once more.
"What's going on?" I ask. "Talk to me."
"This time with you has been great in so many ways…"
Something inside me cracks. I sit on an island stool. Things are caving in.
"It's been so good, in fact," she continues, "that I'm forgetting we were meant to end it soon."
I'm too worried to feel happy.
"Maybe…" I lick my bottom lip. "Maybe that's a good thing."
"Is it, though? Our casual deadline isn't too far away. How long can we do this before things get too conf— complicated?"
"Infinite. We'll uncomplicate it."
I never understood the idea of forever until it took root in my heart. Until I got her out of her room and into mine. Now it escapes my lips and it's easy. I want it more than ever.
"It doesn't have to be complicated or confusing," I add. "We can make it what we want."
"What do we want? Saint, I'm afraid what we have is a relationship and not a rebound thing. "
My heart beats fast. My lungs only pull shallow pants. Everything blurs but Ames standing still across the kitchen island.
"Is that so bad?" I ask.
"We didn't mean to make it into a relationship but we fell into it anyway. It's too soon. I don't want to make the same mistakes."
"Then we… don't. We keep each other in check. Whatever mistakes you think we might make. We'll tackle them."
"Are you trying to tell me you're okay with this?"
I had never had tunnel vision like this before. It makes everything look like crystal. Things look so fragile, I hesitate.
Her brow pulls up high in the center. Wrinkles draw lines on her forehead. Her shoulders pull up.
She expects a no.
I'm not ready to tell her everything and do it right. It has to be okay. I'll have to find my way in the dark.
"Yes, Ames. More than okay. I was going to wait until I was back. Until our deadline, so we had time—"
"What?"
"I was going to ask you to go on a date with me. A real one. The kind where we talk about us and the future and I was going to…"
Something in her face stops me.
"Why?" she asks.
I keep my movements slow, lest I spook her. Rounding the island, I come close to her.
She lifts her eyes up at me. I give her a tenuous smile.
"Why do you think?"
I say it like it's obvious. It hangs in the air with finality.
She studies me, mouth opening bit by bit. Her gasp comes after.
"But—" she stalls. "But we said… and you never… you're not looking for the same … thing…"
"Ames…"
"I relied on you being strong!"
"Was I weak for falling for you all those years ago?
This time around, all over again, despite telling you this would be temporary?
Maybe. But to me it feels like I've never been more invincible.
I've always felt this way for you, Ames.
From the moment I met you. I felt something I knew was different, and important, and it scared me.
Even then, I tried to do something about it, but I didn't figure out the full truth until you showed up at my door, and I couldn't help my heart. "
"The truth?"
"There's no way to test myself or have a guaranteed future but, if I'm going to try with anyone, I want it to be you."
"Oh, God."
"I can't think of anyone else. I don't want anyone else. Have you wondered why I stopped dating as soon as you made it through that door? Now ask why it was so easy, and I'll tell you it's because there's never been anyone else but you."
She covers her mouth with both of her shaky hands. Tears fill her wide-open eyes.
I take one last step toward her.
She speaks through her fingers. "Wanting isn't enough. If it was, I would still be with every ex. I wanted each one of those relationships to last. It wasn't enough."
"But did they want the same thing? If Aidan wanted it, he had a terrible way of showing it."
"The way he keeps— kept trying to get me to give him another chance means he did. He wanted to, and he screwed up. Can we be any better than that? I can't lose you if we wreck this. I still don't know how to make things work—"
"Fuck yes, we can be better. I'll promise it to you. Right here. I will not give up on us. I'll keep showing up and asking you what's wrong, then fixing it. And I'll tell you when I'm struggling, so you can do the same with me."
"It can't be that simple." A tear falls down her face .
I cradle her face and dry the tear with my thumb. The drumming in my chest is insistent, hammering so hard against my breastbone it's at risk of breaking.
"But it is, Ames. It has to be. We can make it be that simple for us.
If you feel like I do, then we'll have a million good weeks, like we've had since I told you I'd be your rebound.
Hell, since you came to me when you were hurting.
I just need you to want the same thing. I crave you to want the same thing. To want me like that."
"Saint…"
"I want you to go for love with me. For your— our— happily ever after.
There will be rough times. I want you to get angry with me when I mess up.
And I still want you to come to me every time you need something.
Give me your every doubt. All the love in your heart.
Of course I'll get angry at you at times.
Other times I'll ask for a lot, just like I am right now. But we'll do it together."
"I don't know." More tears overflow. "What if I'm not what you need?
Because this isn't— I'm not me. I have not fully found myself yet.
And what if I end up bending myself backwards?
I didn't even realize how much I've done…
and if that's not how you make a relationship work, then I have no idea how to… how to…"
"Then let's not know together." I bring my forehead to hers. "Let us figure it out together, bella."
"We should be scared."
"I'm terrified. Who knows what waits for us."
"Then, what? What if you get traded? How do we figure this out long distance? When we're lonely and all we have are texts. Will you feel the same way?"
"I will."
She shakes her head. "You can't know that."
"But I do. You deserve to be loved exactly how you want. And I want to love you that way. That's not going to stop if I'm away. All I need is that you want the same thing."
She doesn't answer .
I frown. "I was going to tell you how I feel after the game. I hoped I'd find a romantic way to show you what's in my heart. I thought I could tell you something… I don't know. Something that would convince you. I guess blurting it all out will have to do."
"I have to think."
"Can you feel, too? Thoughts can get so tangled up. But I'll trust what's in your heart every time."
She stares at me. Motionless. Big beautiful brown eyes, with reddened lids and blushing cheeks.
"If you feel half the things I feel," I add, "you'll want to try with me. And if you don't…"
She nods.
"You know," I whisper, "I used to think I couldn't ask you to do this with me.
That it would be unfair, because I couldn't promise I wouldn't hurt you.
I thought it made me selfish to ask for more.
Then I realized that no one can make that promise.
We all walk into the maze hoping we will find our way out.
All I can ask is if you'll hold my hand so we can walk through the twists and turns of life together.
That's what you need to decide, mi divina. "
Her eyes close in a renewed gesture of pain. More tears fall down her face.
"I'll give you time." I kiss her forehead, then each wet cheek.
I step away.
"What do you mean?" she asks in a thin voice.
"It works out, if you think about it. We both have to be in different places in the next little while. I'd rather do this with you. Keep talking and working through it but, since we will be apart… maybe it's what you need to make up your mind."
"Saint." She shakes her head and looks down to the floor.
I check my watch. "I can grab some food on the way to the Thunderdome. I'll get a few points with Coach Clark if I'm there early."
"Right. Yeah. I'm sorry. I know…"
"Don't apologize. "
"I was going to give you food. We were going to have a nice meal."
"We'll have a chance when we're back. We can talk again. We'll know if I have to leave. You'll know about your show."
"What if I'm not meant to figure this out alone?"
"We're not meant to do it alone. Until we're back together, talk to your friends. Tell them everything. I'm not embarrassed."
"I'm going to give it my all, Gael."
"Then maybe this is another shred of proof I can give you. Let's get through this. I'm not going to give up just because of this… discussion. Or because we'll be apart for a bit. What matters is we'll come together again to give it another go."
"And if all I want is friendship?"
"Then I'll love you as a friend. Don't you know?"