5.4
“What is going on?”
“I can’t tell you now. Later.” She clutched Alison’s hands. “Keep him here. Talk to him. And for God’s sake, keep your mouth shut.”
Alison smirked at the oxymoronic request. “I got it covered. But I have just one question.”
“What?”
“Does he know?”
“Yes.”
Alison nodded, and Julia thought she looked pleased. While Alison went outside to prepare Paige, Julia returned to William. She found him looking thoughtfully at a framed photograph of Robert that stood on the mantelpiece.
“Would you like to get to know him?”
He nodded without a moment’s hesitation. Julia felt her heart soar with hope, and angrily trampled the dangerous emotion back down. Of course he would want to get to know his own son. In itself, that meant nothing for her and him.
“Stay for dinner. ”
Again he nodded. She gestured for him to follow her downstairs and outside.
As soon as he caught sight of them, Robert cried, “Mommy, the hoop came off again!”
The basketball hoop dangled precariously from its post. William came forward a bit shyly, and Paige retreated back indoors. Julia cast Alison an anxious glance, and Alison gave her a reassuring nod.
William examined the post and hoop and declared, “I can fix this.”
Julia went to the shed and retrieved the toolbox for him. She and Alison hung back, watching him work. Within a few minutes, he successfully screwed the hoop back onto the post and began showing Robert some of his best pick-up basketball moves.
“Go make dinner. I got this,” whispered Alison.
While she cooked, Julia occasionally caught sight of them through the kitchen window. They moved on from basketball to T-ball. Alison shouted encouragement to Robert and coaching tips to William from her seat at the patio table. By the time she was setting the table for dinner, Robert had lost his reserve, and now engaged William in a spirited battle of pirates and hapless ships on the high seas.
“Why is he here, Mom?”
Julia turned to find Paige at her elbow. She set the plates and cups back down and went to sit at the kitchen table. She patted the chair next to her, and Paige took a seat.
“When you were seven years old, this man took you on a boat to see the Farallon Islands,” Julia began. “Do you remember that?”
Paige looked surprised. “Yes, I do. That was a lot of fun.” She hesitated a moment, then said, “Is he your boyfriend?”
Julia fidgeted, startled by how much her daughter’s question discomposed her. “No.”
Paige stared at her, and Julia realized that her daughter was old enough to see through the word to the feelings underneath them. But thankfully, Paige said nothing more. She got up and went back to her room.
Julia put the food on the table, reflecting wryly that William would have to endure her cooking, for once. When she came outside to announce dinner, she found Alison and William sitting next to each other at the patio table. Though not out of the ordinary for William, the grave expression on Alison’s face alarmed her.
Oh God, Julia thought. What did she tell him?
No time to find out now. “Dinner’s ready,” she heard herself call.
Robert came sprinting inside. Alison and William were not so spry on their feet, dragging themselves out of their chairs. As Alison brushed past her, Julia shot her a sharp, questioning look, which Alison avoided so studiously that Julia felt more alarmed than ever.
William’s expression revealed nothing, and besides, it was time to face Paige’s dreaded integration with their little party, her first interaction with William since trying to steal from him.
Alison escorted her from her room, and to Julia’s surprise, Paige actually looked William in the eye and said, “Hi,” before taking her seat at the table. Julia pointed William to a seat between Robert and Alison, which he accepted.
After dishing some spaghetti onto Robert’s plate, Julia passed the bowl to William. He served himself, then passed it across to Paige.
Paige said, “I thought you used to be a cook.”
He glanced briefly at Julia and replied, “I did, once.”
“But now you work at the plant?”
“I was filling in there for a while. My family owns that place.”
“So what do you do now?”
“I run a whale-watching business. I run the boat myself.”
Paige nodded. “I remember when you took me to see the whales.”
“Will you take me sometime?” Robert asked William.
“Yes, definitely. I can take you all.”
“I hope you weren’t including me in that invitation,” said Alison. “If you were, thanks, but I get seasick.”
Julia knew that was a lie, and could not help smirking a bit.
After that, Paige said very little. Occasionally, Julia saw Paige’s eyes flit between her and William and drop back down to her plate again. But their expression conveyed only curiosity, with no resentment or sullenness.
“What kind of a boat do you have?” Robert asked William after a while .
“It’s a catamaran. Mine was built for sport fishing, and it’s only fifty feet long, so it’s pretty small. But it gets the job done.”
“Do you sail it every day?” asked Robert, still innocent of the distinctions between sailboats and power boats.
“No. On the weekends, I always do whale watching trips. Some weekdays, I do private charters. Groups of people pay me to take them on the boat, either for whale watching or for sport fishing.”
“What about photography?” Julia ventured quietly, remembering how they had discussed the possibility once.
“Yes, I do private charters for wildlife photography sometimes, too.”
Robert continued to pepper William with questions throughout dinner, and when it was over, Robert looked up at him and said, “When can we go?”
William’s expression softened a bit. “I have to reserve my weekend excursions for paying customers. But I’m pretty sure I could do it Tuesday.”
“Awesome,” said Robert.
Paige looked up at Julia. “Does that mean we get to skip school?”
“Just this once.” Julia turned to smile at William, and realized too late that she had lowered her guard. Something in the expression on her face stopped his eyes for a moment, and a full gamut of emotion cycled through them before he quickly turned them back down to his plate.
Once dinner was over and they had all cleared the table, Paige disappeared into her room again, and Robert ran to turn on the TV.
“I have a lot of orders due tomorrow,” Alison said to Julia.
“Yes. See you later.”
Alison extended her hand to William. “Good to talk to you.”
William shook her hand and nodded, but said nothing.
Alison let herself out of the house, leaving Julia momentarily alone in the kitchen with William.
He leaned back against the kitchen table, bracing himself against it with his hands. Julia gestured and said, “Do you want to sit down?”
He took a seat. Julia reached into the refrigerator for a beer, and offered it to him wordlessly. He declined it, but the gesture prompted him to sit up straighter and finally meet her gaze.
“I’ve missed the first five years of his life.”
“You don’t have to miss any more time with him. You’re welcome here as often as you like.”
He raised an eyebrow. “Here? In your parents’ house?”
“Yes. They’re just going to have to deal with it, until I find my own place.”
“Will that be in the city?”
“I’m not sure.” Julia fidgeted with her fingernails. “I may move to the East Bay.”
He seemed unsure what to say next, so after a while, Julia suggested, “You can have a little time with just Robert. Maybe play a game of Go Fish with him.”
He nodded, and she waved him into the living room. She brought the cards out of the cabinet, and the three of them settled in around the coffee table.
When bedtime rolled around, William hung back in the doorway of Robert’s room, watching as Julia tucked him into bed. When Julia brought the bedtime book down off the shelf, Robert said, “William, will you read it?”
William looked to Julia, and she nodded her encouragement. He moved forward uneasily and took the book from her. Pulled up a chair at Robert’s bedside on the lower bunk. Glanced at the cover and said to Robert, “ Where the Wild Things Are . That was one of my favorites when I was a kid, too.”
Robert smiled at him, and William returned the smile a bit shyly. Then, with an uncertain voice, he began the unfamiliar task of reading his son a bedtime story.
Robert listened attentively as William slowly gained confidence and improvised the sounds and voices of the rumpusing Wild Things, which Robert laughed at.
When the story was over, Robert met William’s gaze with the same blue eyes and pleaded, “I want another one!”
“Not tonight,” Julia said. “We have to save some of your books for another night. ”
She stepped forward to kiss Robert goodnight one last time, brushing past William as he retreated back to the open doorway.
After she turned out the light and closed the door, she checked in briefly on Paige. Then by silent agreement, Julia and William resumed their seats at the kitchen table.
“It must be strange for Paige, seeing me here,” he finally remarked.
Julia gave an awkward laugh. “I’m sure it was, a little bit. But Alison prepared her, before she saw you.” After a moment’s hesitation, she added, “I never got the chance to really tell you how sorry I am for what happened with her at the plant that day.”
He waved his hand dismissively.
“No, I think you should know this. She’s run away from home twice. On the day you found her at the plant, she was stealing because she was planning to run away again. But she’s also very intuitive and perceptive, and she’s had her artwork featured in galleries already. Sometimes I think she’s more Alison’s kid than mine. But she inherited my passion for aquariums, and that’s the glue that’s held us together through the worst times. When her medication works and she takes it, she does pretty well, but it’s a constant battle.”
“Reminds me of my brother Mike.”
“Yes, but I will be dealing with this for the rest of my life. She’s my daughter.”
He slowly nodded his understanding. They sat in silence while he digested it all.
She watched him quietly a moment, then said, “I didn’t know I was pregnant when we broke up. But I knew within days.”
He looked up at her sharply. “How?”
“The morning sickness. I had it with Paige, too, but never like this. This came on like a lion, and it lasted all day. I had to be hospitalized for it. I had to receive IV fluid and nutrition. It was impossible to hide from anyone. With the timing, everyone knew he couldn’t possibly be Kevin’s, including Kevin.”
“And he was okay with that?”
“Like I told you, at first he accepted it as a sort of a penance. But within a few months, when I asked him what he thought we should name the baby, he told me it was my decision. That’s how I knew his remorse was wearing thin. So I named him Robert, after my uncle. I figured you wouldn’t mind, and with you being such a Led Zeppelin fan, the allusion to Robert Plant couldn’t hurt.”
He couldn’t help laughing a little bit at this. Then she said, “His middle name is Patrick.” She waited for this to register, and added, “Either Kevin didn’t know that’s your middle name, or he didn’t care.”
The look he gave her was pained. “Did he treat Robert well?”
“He was always just as kind and provided just as well for him as he did for Paige. He never blamed Robert directly, but I do think it was the strain that drove him and me apart for good. He could never just accept that I had borne another man’s child. And for me, Robert was a permanent bond – a daily reminder of you.”
The wariness that had held him back all night came crashing down, and he looked at her with poignancy. After a while, he asked her, “So you only knew when you got morning sickness? Didn’t you miss a period or anything?”
“Yes, but I attributed it to all the stress I was going through at the time. I also blamed stress for the way I was coming unhinged and crying all the time, as you may remember. I didn’t suspect I was pregnant because I thought I was taking my pills. But clearly, with everything that was distracting me, I messed up somewhere along the way. That’s how determined this little life was to burst onto the scene, and he definitely made his presence known.”
William opened his mouth once or twice as if he wanted to say something, but just couldn’t get it out. Finally, looking resigned, he said, “I can be here by four or five tomorrow afternoon, if that’s okay.”
“Of course it is.” She wondered how much to press the point. Instead, she said, “If you’re going to be a part of Robert’s life from now on, I think it makes sense for me to get your phone number and your address. In case I ever need to reach you about him for any reason.”
He nodded, and she went to retrieve a piece of paper and a pen. He wrote his information down, folded it up, and slid it across the table to her.
He lingered a moment longer. Then, finally, he dragged himself to his feet and gathered up his belongings. She followed him silently to the front door, and held it open for him. As he passed through it, she thought of what to say.
“I’ll tell Robert you’re coming.”
It was manipulative; she knew it was. But he looked at her briefly and nodded, and she thought she saw the corners of his mouth turn up.
She closed the door and ran straight up the stairs to her darkened bedroom. She pulled the curtains aside just a crack, and peered out at the street below. He was heading in the direction of his parents’ house, on foot.
“He was the man in the house, wasn’t he?”
Julia jumped at her daughter’s voice behind her. She dropped the curtain, making it even harder to distinguish Paige’s face in the darkness. Carefully, Julia felt her way to her own bed, and sat at the edge of it.
“Paige, honey, why are you awake?”
“I couldn’t sleep.” Paige sat up and said, “I remember, when Dad left us the first time, I heard a noise one night and saw a man in bed with you. I remember thinking it was Dad, but you said it wasn’t.”
Julia’s heart pounded. “Can I turn on the light?”
Paige reached over and turned it on herself. She shielded her eyes and squinted up at Julia. After a moment, she said, “I knew I wasn’t crazy. I knew someone was there.”
“You’re right,” said Julia. “Of course you weren’t crazy.”
“All these years, I thought you were lying to me. I thought it really was Dad. I thought Dad must have come back, and you didn’t want me to know for some reason. But once I was old enough to understand, I realized it must have been someone else.” She lowered her hand from her face now, her eyes adjusted to the light. “Was it William?”
Julia didn’t know how to lie to her, and didn’t want to, anyway. “Yes.”
“So that’s Robert’s real dad.”
This rattled Julia to the core. Her mouth opened, and she shifted her weight a bit. Unable to think of a better response, she said, “You think William is Robert’s real dad?”
“They look exactly alike. And Grandma Beale told me a couple of years ago that Dad isn’t Robert’s real dad.”
“What?” gasped Julia. “Why would she tell you such a thing? ”
“We were having an argument. About you. I defended you, and that’s when she told me.”
Julia felt the fury rising in her chest, while simultaneously marveling that Paige would ever defend her in any argument. “How old were you at the time?”
“Eleven.”
Julia scowled. “It was very wrong of her to tell you such a thing, especially at that age. I wish you had talked to me about it.”
“So is he?”
Julia sighed. “Yes.”
“So you’re going to shack up with him now.”
“No! I mean – there’s no relationship between us now. There’s no reason for me to think there ever would be.”
“But you wouldn’t mind if there was.”
Julia marveled at her daughter’s powers of perception, on the cusp of young adulthood. Unsure how else to respond, she said, “You’re going to see William a lot more now. He didn’t know before about Robert, but now he does, and he wants to be a part of Robert’s life. I’d like to ask you to be respectful to him, even if you don’t like him.”
Paige looked surprised. “He’s okay. I mean, I know I didn’t like him after he caught me and everything, but I didn’t know who he was. I remember him from the whale watching trip. He let me drive the boat. He was the one we went crabbing with, too, wasn’t he?”
Julia nodded.
“He was cool,” said Paige, and Julia knew that was high praise, coming from her. “He looks different now.”
Julia touched her hand to her chin. “The beard.”
“Yeah, I think that’s it. Because he used to be kind of cute.”
Julia couldn’t help giving a short laugh. After a moment, she said, “I’m sorry you had to figure things out in this way. I’m afraid this night has been a bit of a shock for us all.”
Paige shrugged, and seemed to have nothing more to say.
After a moment, Julia said, “Can I hug you?”
Paige smiled as if a bit embarrassed, but nodded. Julia went over and squeezed her around the shoulders .
“Get some sleep,” she said, switching off the lamp once Paige had climbed back in bed.
As for herself, she knew sleep would be impossible for the rest of the night. She went back to the kitchen, switched on the light, and sat down at the table again. Stared at the empty seat where, half an hour earlier, against all odds, William had sat.
She knew how important it was to be complete all by herself, and she had taken that lesson to heart. She had plenty to fill her life, even without him. She did not need him.
But she wanted him. It was as simple as that.
In spite of everything – in spite of all her pep talks to herself, and all her fears, and all her independent accomplishments – she knew that without him, it would always feel like something was missing. And there didn’t have to be anything wrong with that.
She saw the piece of paper on the table top and snatched it up. Unfolded it and read his address, still in the Mission. Beneath it, her eyes seized on the words he had written: “I’m by myself.”
What in the world did he mean by that? Because she didn’t dare trust the hope rising like a phoenix that it was some kind of a message to her. That after all this time, he was still alone, and if she came to him, no one would stand in their way.
With the party over, the mess cleaned up, and her mother out of the house, Julia still had an hour or two of nervous energy to burn before William was due.
At four-thirty, she was beginning to worry that he might have changed his mind, when she heard the doorbell ring.
“I’ll get it,” she called, and stumbled downstairs.
She opened the front door, and was startled to find him bearing a wrapped gift for Robert.
“Oh, you didn’t have to do that,” she said breathlessly, reaching for the gift. He started to hand it to her, but she suddenly retracted her hands. “On second thought, you should give it to him yourself. ”
He smiled, a bit nervously she thought, and she stepped aside to let him in.
“I didn’t have time to go shopping for anything,” he said. “But I stopped by my parents’ house and went digging through the attic for something I’ve been holding on to since I was a kid.”
She smiled, and said, “He’s out back, playing. Do you want me to bring him in now?”
“I was thinking it might be best to wait until his bath time to let him open it. But I’ll go out and see him now, if that’s okay.”
“Okay, but the other idea I had was for us all to go down to the beach for a little while, since it’s such a warm day.”
He nodded his agreement, and she took the gift after all and hid it. Then she led him out back, where Robert was busy playing with his new train set, still clad in his pirate costume from the party.
“Robert, William is here,” she called.
“Hi,” he chirped, barely looking up from his game.
“Would you like to walk down to the beach?”
“Yeah!” he cried, and while he ran inside to change into his beach clothes and gather his sand toys, Julia poked her head into Paige’s room to see if she wanted to come. To Julia’s shock, Paige said, “Okay.”
Anxious not to leave William a moment’s opportunity to escape, Julia returned to the living room. She found him gazing thoughtfully at the framed photograph of Robert on the mantelpiece. He had not yet detected her presence, and she did not know what to say, so she watched him silently. He covered his mouth with his hand as if struggling with some intense emotion.