Chapter 38 Saoirse
SAOIRSE
“It’s weird being away from him.” High up on the hospital roof, New York stretches out before me like a glittering blanket that twinkles and sways with the wind rushing past. It’s cold, but not enough to send me back inside, not yet.
“Well.” Bruno appears by my side and hands me a champagne glass. “We have spent the past month eating, sleeping, and breathing the NICU. It’ll do us good to take five minutes to ourselves.”
“Will it?” Accepting the glass, I eye the amber liquid curiously.
“It’s just apple juice,” Bruno says. “Didn’t think alcohol would be a wise choice just in case—”
“In case Cian calls because there’s something wrong with our baby?”
“There’s nothing wrong with our baby. He’s perfect.”
“You know that’s not true.”
“No, I know it is true. Sure, he was born too early and came into the world stressed like his mother, but he’s strong. Tell me.” Bruno leans against the railing and angles himself to look at me. “How many times in the past four or five weeks have we had an emergency with him?”
My eyes narrow. “Seven.”
“And when was the last one?”
A deep sigh rushes out of me as I speak. “Three weeks ago.”
“Exactly. He’s been the picture of perfect health since then.
He’s growing every day. He’s getting stronger every day.
He’s just like his mother, and just like him, his mother needs a moment to breathe, so please.
” Bruno’s warm hand closes over mine around the glass.
“Drink your apple juice and enjoy these moments of just being Saoirse for a moment.”
Just be Saoirse.
A strange concept right now. I’ve been nothing but Liam’s mother since he was born and while my sense of identity didn’t feel important at the time when all that mattered was the health of my baby, being up here with Bruno under the stars suddenly highlights how easy it was to lose myself.
“Better?” Bruno sips his own glass while I breathe in the crisp, cool night air and nod.
“A little. I just feel like being away from him is a recipe for disaster. Like every bad thing I’m afraid of will happen when I’m not by his side.”
“He’s not alone. Cian is with him and he’s just as strong as you.”
“You’re only saying that because he broke your nose just after Halloween.”
Bruno scoffs softly. “Deserved, I would say. After what he went through, what everyone went through… I’m honestly surprised Cormac hasn’t killed me.”
“I’m not.” Leaning on the railing next to Bruno, I gaze down at the parking lot filled with a hundred cars connected to a hundred different stories within this hospital.
“What happened with your father is… horrible for all of us, but Cormac recognizes what you did to help us and save us. I recognize that, too.”
Bruno doesn’t look like he believes me but he smiles softly. “Maybe.”
“Not maybe. It’s the truth.”
It wasn’t easy. After Bruno woke up and was able to talk about things, Cormac understandably had a lot of questions.
Bruno hid nothing once he was reunited with his sister.
The assurance that she was safe was all he needed to spill everything and anything he had gathered on his father while I was in captivity.
Long nights were spent by Liam’s side just watching him breathe while we talked over the dismantling of the human trafficking operations, the harsh punishment of the Triad, and the search for the mysterious third investor.
Cian’s in charge of that. It’s been his fuel while healing from his terrible injuries and learning to walk again. While he’s not entirely all there, he is rocking a flame-painted cane and making it most of his personality, not that I blame him. I’m just happy he’s alive.
I’m happy everyone is alive.
“Look. It’s Thanksgiving in two days. And Ma invited you. What more proof do you need that no one is holding a grudge?”
Bruno drains his glass and pushes up from the railing. “I’m invited because you’re having Thanksgiving here at the hospital for Liam.”
“You’re not wrong. But you’re not entirely right, either.”
It’s been a hard month dealing with the complicated feelings tied to Bruno.
Too many nights I woke up in terror thinking I was back in my cell, or back in the corridor with my brother dying under my hands.
Bruno was always there to soothe me back to sleep and on the nights he couldn’t, rest never came.
He was healing from his own injuries and insane personal turmoil.
But he hasn’t complained. Not once. Guilt keeps him quiet, I think.
No one is punishing Bruno harder than himself.
“Hungry?” Bruno moves away from me toward the small picnic blanket he set up on the roof.
It’s covered in a small spread of sandwiches and cakes from nearby bakeries, as well as some fruit and of course, the apple juice.
When he invited me up here for dinner, I’d expected cafeteria food and he proved me wrong.
Just like he’s done with how attentive he’s been these past few weeks.
He’s kept me fed and watered, helped me shower when the exhaustion was too much, been with me through every education baby class I’ve found here, and every test run on our impossibly small baby boy.
He even fought with a doctor who kept telling me some of the pain I was feeling was lingering labor pains and it wasn’t until Bruno had him up against the wall, threatening to break his neck that they finally ran some tests and found a tear in the lining of abdominal wall that had been missed.
He’s become my strongest advocate and my greatest protector.
My feelings for him, as complicated as they are, never faded. In fact, the first time I saw him with Liam, they began to grow and they’ve been doing that with every gesture of kindness, every comforting word and every smile since.
The anger and hurt I felt from his betrayal has long faded. I can’t hold a grudge when he was manipulated, nor can I hate him for doing what he did to protect me. Without him, I’d be sold halfway across the world and Liam would be gone.
He sits next to me on the picnic blanket and lies backward with one resting lightly on his abdomen and the other tucked behind his head. “You know, I don’t think I’ve ever had a proper Thanksgiving before.”
“Really?” Pulling a grape from the vine, I pop it into my mouth and savor the burst of sweetness while studying Bruno’s relaxed face. “Not even when you were little?”
“Not that I can remember.”
“You’re in for a treat. Ma’s going all out this year. She’ll feed the entire hospital if they let her.”
“She sounds like a terrifying woman.”
“She is. But she’s also the sweetest thing to walk the earth. I find it funny that you slept through her last visit though.”
Bruno laughs softly. “I think I was subconsciously so terrified she’d kill me that I just stayed asleep.”
“Maybe. She’s uhm…” I savor another grape. “She’s just happy the family is alive.”
“Mmmhmm.” Bruno rolls his head in my direction and locks eyes with me. “Me too.”
“Don’t look at me like that,” I smirk.
His brows twitch. “Like that.”
“Like that. Like you’re seeing me for the first time.”
“Well…” Bruno’s voice softens to match his gaze. “It’s because I’m never taking that for granted ever again.”
“I’m not going anywhere.”
“Right now. But if this year has taught me anything, it’s that I can’t rely on anything remaining stable. So I’m going to treasure every moment with you and Liam for the rest of my life.”
Normally, I’d roll my eyes at such a thought and drive my elbow into his ribs until he stopped being so sappy but tonight, it’s enjoyable. Maybe I’m just softer because I miss my baby.
“Do you think about it?” I ask. “What the rest of Liam’s life is going to be like?”
Bruno nods and turns his attention back to the sky.
“All the time. I never… I never thought I’d have kids so I never thought about it.
But suddenly I’m dreaming of playing catch with him, or sitting in art class if he likes to paint, or pouring through magazines if he decides fashion is his passion.
I just know, deep down, that I’m going to be there for him no matter what. But—” Bruno hesitates and falls silent.
“But?”
He doesn’t answer. He keeps his gaze up and his breathing slow but his eyes dart as if he’s counting stars to remain calm. Slowly, I crawl across the picnic blanket and then slide into his lap before I can change my mind.
Bruno’s eyes snap down to meet mine and his brow reaches his hairline as surprise opens up his face. “Saoirse?”
“Tell me,” I say, settling onto his hips. “But what?”
Bruno swallows audibly. “I—” The word catches in his throat once more so I place my hand over his as it rests on his abdomen.
“You…?” I prompt.
“I’m scared,” he says hoarsely.
“Of?”
“You sitting in my lap.” His cheeky smile is nothing more than an attempt to deflect but I’m not giving up so easily.
“Come on. Tell me. Surely we’re past the ability to have secrets.”
“It’s not a secret,” he says carefully. “I… I’m terrified.
Honest to God I’m more scared of being a Dad than anything else I’ve been through.
I’m so terrified that I’m either going to turn out like my own father, or that my attempts to not be like him will be too much and I’ll end up pushing Liam away.
Either way, I’m scared of fucking up and losing him and not seeing it until it’s too late. ”
My heart squeezes in my chest and I interlace our fingers. “Bruno. You are nothing like your father.”
“You don’t know that,” he replies hoarsely and his eyes shine on his next blink. “Having kids changes people. Maybe I’m what changed my father.”
“Don’t you dare.” My grip tightens. “For one, I don’t think your father ever lay awake at night worrying if he was a good father or not. But you do. You want to be good. You want to be the best and you’ve experienced the worst so I think that will guide you.”
“But—”