24. Jess
We drive into work together, stopping briefly at a coffee shop before continuing on our way. Over fresh coffee and bagels, and the satisfaction of a quick, hot elevator encounter (turned into sheer awesomeness), morning traffic is a breeze. The time passes with idle chit-chat and discussions about work, including the final transition points we need to hit.
I’m aware that our partnership as co-owners does have an expiration date: In one week exactly, they’re going to expect me to sell and join their organization, like Sean and I discussed early on.
By now, I have definitely warmed up to the idea, and I’m starting to feel excited at this new chapter in my life. In my continued position as a director, and with the backing of Blackwood Inc., I’m going to be able to take Westerlyn farther than I thought possible, and in a much shorter period of time.
Of course, I don’t know what that means in terms of me and Sean.
Already things are murky, given the circumstances and our habit of hanging around volcanoes each morning and every night, but I’m confident we can figure things out.
In the afternoon, Pauline pokes her head in.
“So what’s the deal with you two?”
I lean back in my seat, silently gesturing for her to close the door and sit. “We may not have a label, but well… I care about him.”
“Just care about him?” She takes a seat and crosses her legs. “Your face lights up when you two talk, and I’ve never seen you more comfortable with someone as you are with him. Are you sure there isn’t a little love peeking through?”
Love? That’s a big word and one I don’t throw around lightly.
After all, I thought I loved Richard and look where that got me. I haven’t known Sean for long, and I can’t say what I feel for him is love. At least I won’t say it, not now, not when we’re in this odd in-between—not quite only colleagues and almost like a real couple.
“Like I said,” I tell her, “I definitely care about him. I wouldn’t go as far as to say love.”
“Uh-huh.”
“Okay, maybe a bit of affection.”
“Uh-huh.”
“Okay, definitely deep infatuation…with the potential for…love.”
“Ah, the ‘L’ word! Finally.”
I mean, what isn’t there to love about Sean? He’s smart, successful, ambitious, and honest. Not to mention generous. All the traits any woman in my position would kill to have in a partner. He’s tough, sure, but there’s this underlying sweetness, a gentleness that I believe I’m one of the few who have been lucky enough to experience. That’s the part of him I’m most attracted to. The part that draws me in and keeps me coming back, because the longer we spend time together, the more he reveals that side of himself to me.
I may not be able to say that I fully, deeply, madly love him, but…sigh…okay, who am I kidding? It’s obvious that I’ve tripped and fallen headfirst into the deepest love pit there is.
Thing is, ever since the charity event, I’ve tried to convince myself that I haven’t, but I have.
“I know,” I say, “it’s way, way too early to be in love, I know! I can tell he likes me, sure, and he has said really sweet things to me, but whether he loves me—no, that’s not a thought I’m entertaining right now.”
“Do you want my opinion?”
“Of course I want your opinion. You found your soul mate years ago. If anyone knows anything about complicated relationships, it’s you.”
“Well, as the wise, old, married broad, he has to be in love with you.”
I seriously didn’t expect her to say that. “Why?”
“I don’t think he’d put his job and reputation on the line just for sex.”
“How do you know we have sex?”
“Girl. Don’t you?”
I shrug. “We do.”
She shrugs. “Duh-uh.”
“And you think he put his job on the line for me?”
Pauline gives me a pointed look. “From what you told me, he was told to buy your properties and decided to compromise and work with instead of against you. Now that you two are sleeping together, if he were using it as leverage to manipulate your decisions, you’d have caught on by now. You really don’t see how that clearly means he genuinely cares about you?”
Now that she puts the thought out there, it’s all I can think about.
It didn’t occur to me that by sleeping with me Sean was putting himself at risk.
After all, I was putting myself at risk doing the same.
I’m sure his dad and the board wouldn’t be too pleased to learn he’s been sleeping with a client-slash-coworker-slash-employee. Yet, he did it and continues to do so on a regular basis.
“Well,” I admit, “this is way more serious than I originally thought.”
“Ah, the joys of love. Just wait—sooner or later, the truth pops out.” She rises from her seat, a knowing expression on her face. “Trust me, he’s head over heels for you. It’s glaringly obvious.”
Deep down, part of me hopes he is.
If we hadn’t been sleeping together in the dazzling manner we are, I would be able to convince myself all our dinner dates were casual meals between neighbors or friends.
But we’re way past casual.
It’s in all the things he does.
It’s in the sense of security and warmth I feel that I haven’t known in a long time.
It’s in the subtle (but real powerful) connection that has grown between us.
I mean, from the fake engagement rescue to entrusting him with decisions for the team, and ultimately leaning on him to support me in business matters, Sean has proven himself to be a reliable partner, and for that, I’m beyond grateful.
When Pauline leaves, I have to bring my focus back to work.
We’re busier than ever. There are several conventions throughout the city, and nearly every hotel in the surrounding area is booked solid. Including ours. But everything is running smoothly, and it requires very little extra work on the managerial side of things.
In fact, when it nears 6:30 p.m. and all of our major tasks are accomplished for the day, Sean and I don’t have to stay any later. It’s a rare opportunity that we’re both seizing, especially with dinner plans already in place. We have been going to dinner on the regular. This time, we find ourselves at a beautiful new Japanese restaurant I picked, having a laid-back evening.
Sometimes, I feel that his mother’s memory burdens him. The relationship with his father seems like another weight on his shoulders. Even though he doesn’t make it obvious, I get a sense that he relaxes when he’s at WH (and not just because of me). Tonight, I gather my strength to ask him about his late mom. He opens up, sharing details about the sad circumstances—why she passed so soon, how much she worked until the end, how much he wished she had spent time planting yellow tulips (her favorite) instead of answering damn phones as his dad’s executive assistant, and how much he regrets his inability to persuade his father to take drastic steps to stop her from overworking.
“As if a thirteen-year-old has the power!” I blurt out, feeling agitated.
“I know,” he says darkly, but I can tell that this time, even though Sean is one of the best listeners, my words barely register with him. I meet his black gaze. It feels like his soul is gone.
When I reassure him, pointing out that he simply couldn’t have borne such responsibility at that age, and that every single person on this planet would agree, he says nothing and hugs me close. In that moment, everything in me melts.
Over the rest of the delicious meal, we talk about God and the world. Culinary adventures, pets, futuristic technology, space exploration. Our discussions fade to places we’ve never traveled to but dream of seeing. For me, it’s Tokyo; for him, it’s Prague.
When the waitress serves us my favorite dessert—Dorayaki, fluffy pancakes filled with sweet red bean paste—Sean mentions he’ll be on a few (boringly local) business trips tomorrow and over the next week, and I can already feel a tinge of longing. Teasingly, I remind him not to let my bed get too cold, and he responds with his signature “cutest lashes in the whole wide world” wink.
We’re a couple. That’s what we are.
Not officially, no, but that’s what it feels like. I can feel it in my heart. It can’t get any more real than this.
“I propose that we scarf down dessert and make a swift exit,” I suggest playfully (but dead serious). Truth is, I’m insatiable for Sean Blackwood, it seems, seriously yearning for all the one-on-one time with him I can get.
I don’t want this to end.
Without even blinking, Sean faces the waitress. “Can we have that to go?”