19. Quiet As A Mouse
QUIET AS A MOUSE
K andi
It was amazing how much alike they looked, despite the fact that she was emaciated and one side of her face drooped due to the stroke.
The drugs had eaten away at her, and through time, age took what the drugs had left behind.
She was older and tired, but those sleepy, bedroom eyes that looked out from that warm, rich sepia skin, triangular face, and high eyebrows were all Kayn’s.
I saw the pain etched on his face and the distance in her eyes.
I wondered if she even knew he was here.
I sat as quietly as a mouse tucked away in a corner of the room.
My eyes darted from the book I read on my Kindle app on my phone back to the two of them from time to time.
I finally gave up reading my book when I realized that I had read the same paragraph three times.
Locking my phone, I stuffed it into my pocket and pulled my feet up into the chair with me.
Kayn’s hands were clasped tightly together as though he were willing himself not to touch his mother.
She stared at him as he spoke, but she didn’t utter a word or move a muscle.
If it weren’t for the faint rise and fall of her chest or the flutter of her eyelashes every now and then, I would have sworn that she was already gone.
“Man, . . . just say something. I mean, even if it’s go fuck ya self, tell me something. Why didn’t you give a damn about me, Ma?”
His voice broke, and I wanted to run to him and hold him.
But I willed myself to remain quiet, letting him have this moment alone.
I had suggested that I remain outside in the waiting area for friends and family, but he insisted that I come into the room with him.
He told me that since it was my idea for him to come, it was only right that I be there.
And he was right. I would always have his back and support him.
On the ride over, Kayn told me how his mother had ended up in the hospital for almost a week from a drug overdose.
When the neighbors reported it to the school, the counselor had come to see Kayn at home and got child protective services involved.
Once CPS became involved, it was a wrap.
His mother’s brother, Johnny Robley, or Uncle JR, had rushed to where he lived in Atlanta right away and brought him back to Mistletoe Falls.
He shared that they had never failed to treat him as their own, even if he rejected it at the time.
Kayn said he had never known true love, thanks to his mother’s abuse and his father’s abandonment.
He had only visited his aunt and uncle once a year before that.
Therefore, he struggled to receive the love from them.
I mused about how time healed all wounds, but he needed this greatest wound to heal so that he could be free to live and to love.
“That’s all I ever wanted was for you to say you loved me. Tell me that I mattered. I don’t know what’s worse, the abuse or the way you’re ignoring me right now. Least when you was kicking my ass, I knew that you saw me.”
Kayn shook his head and turned it away from me. But I didn’t miss the fact that he was wiping the tears from his eyes.
“You just gon’ sit here and keep on digging the wound deeper, huh?”
Kayn’s jaw clenched, and he stood, signaling me that he was done. I unfolded my limbs from the chair and rose but immediately sat back down when I heard his mother whisper, “Manny.”
“Kayn, she called you.” He had told me that his mom and dad used to call him that when he was little, “Manny,” short for Emmanuel. But when his mama was high and feeling good, she would call him Coke for cocaine or his middle name, CoKaine.
He was still moving as though he hadn’t heard her, but when I spoke, he turned back to look at his mother. His face cleared up from the pain momentarily, and he frowned down at her.
“Ma.”
“Didn’t expect you ta come,” she slurred. Although she had had a stroke, her speech was still mostly clear. From what the doctors had shared with Kayn, his mother had a plethora of health issues, including heart and liver problems. She could go at any time, and not just from the stroke.
He dropped into the chair again. “Not even sure why I did ’cept Kandi and RJ said I should.”
“Been in and outta rehab and hospitals most ya life.”
“I know. You seemed to prefer that over me.”
She shook her head.
“Best thing ta happen to ya . . . is for you to go to RJ and Frances with da boys.” Her breathing was labored, but she finished. “Don’t know why you so angry.”
“I’m angry because my own damn parents didn’t want me. How the fuck you gon’ say that shit to me? The best thing for me would’ve been for my mama to be in my life. How you gon’ sit and tell me what was best for me, and you never even knew what my life was like down there?” He snarled.
I wanted to tell him to calm down, but she showed me she could handle him just fine.
“I did know. RJ called ’bout you every damn week.” She paused again, closed her eyes, and then opened them. “He da one who told me not to come back for you till I got my shit together.”
“Guess that never happened. And you still chose the drugs over me in the end.”
“Drugs helped me cope. Ya daddy gave ’em to me to help me. Schizo did me in.”
I was floored. I knew that he told me she had some mental health issues, but I didn’t think about it too much. He hadn’t told me what the diagnosis was, but hearing it blew my mind and broke my heart for both him and her. She wasn’t a bad mother by choice, but it was beyond her control.
Kayn dropped his head, and I suspected that he knew exactly what she’d been dealing with. That thought was confirmed moments later.
“JR told me dat he told you ’bout my diagnosis ’fo’ you ran away.”
“I was a grown man. Ain’t no running away.”
“You was seventeen, Manny.”
“Grown enough.”
“You ran because of me?”
Kayn’s mouth was screwed up tightly, and his eyes narrowed with resentment. I wished that I could erase that feeling for him. My heart ached for him. He had been holding his head down, but when he lifted his eyes again, I saw how red they were. He was battling tears.
“Partly. We also argued about me selling dope that day. He told me I was going down the same track as you and my daddy, and no good would come to me. So, he gave me a choice to stop selling and stay or get out and do what I wanted to do. I was sick of everybody thinking they knew what was best for me. So I bounced. Guess I followed in your footsteps after all,” he stated bitterly.
“I heard ya did one better and followed in muh brother’s footsteps.”
“Why did you turn me away whenever I came to visit?”
That was news to me. I didn’t know Kayn had visited his mother since she had been in the institution.
“Couldn’t let you see me like dat.”
“I’d seen you in a lot worse ways than that.”
She looked away from him in shame. I recalled the stories of how he said he had walked in on her having sex or giving a customer head on multiple occasions. She wouldn’t even bother to acknowledge that he had walked into the house. She would just keep going.
“You didn’t give a shit about what you looked like when you was tricking in front of me. All I wanted to do was see you. Why didn’t you love me? Why wasn’t I enough?”
“I tried.”
“Nah, you didn’t try. I just wanted to hear what you had to say. Sounds like the same old excuses to me.”
“What you want me to say, Manny? I ain’t got no love in me. Don’t know how ta love.”
“Yeah? Well, you loved them drugs enough.”
She closed her eyes, and Kayn stood, leaned over her, and kissed her forehead. “Goodbye, Mama,” he whispered.
Kayn walked out of the room with his head held high, and I followed. I had no idea how long his mother would live beyond the day, but I was glad he visited her one last time.
We drove JR’s car back to their home in silence. I was uncertain if we were still leaving or if our stay would be prolonged again. Whatever he needed, I would give him. Later that morning, after breakfast had ended and I had helped clean the kitchen, I found him in the backyard, chopping wood.
I walked up to him and stood on the side of him. Kayn wiped the sweat from his brow and threw the ax down.
“Hey, I just wanted to check on you to see how you were feeling.”
His eyes searched mine, but he said nothing. I folded my arms and asked, “Should I call the New York office and cancel?”
“No.”
“Mkay. Is there anything that I can get you? Are you thirsty? I noticed that you didn’t eat your breakfast.”
“No.”
“Okay, well, if there’s anything at all that I can do for you, Kayn, just let me know. I’m here. Even if you just need a shoulder to lean on, I’ve got you.”
“Would you stop?”
The harshness of his voice startled me and caused me to jump back.
“I’m sorry. What did I do?”
“All these damn questions and being attentive. Everywhere I go, there you are. I can’t fucking breathe without you asking if the oxygen is good enough for me.”
“I just want to make sure that you’re okay, Kayn.
I can appreciate that you have a lot on your plate right now.
I’m not tripping about how you just came at me, and I’ll let you have your headspace.
So, I’m going to go in right now so that you can work things out in peace before I say something that I might regret. ”
I was trying so hard to keep my cool. As happy and chill as I could be, I didn’t play that about anyone hollering at me. My parents hadn’t done it, and I wasn’t putting up with it from anyone else.
“You can stop with all the acting. You’ve earned your bonus, Kandi.
This ain’t no damn Hallmark movie with happy endings.
Some of us don’t have the luxury of being happy all the time and seeing the brighter side of shit.
Some of us have a reality that we can’t escape no matter how hard we muthafuckin’ try! ”
My jaws clenched, and I nodded.
I took a step closer to him, and I stared up at him.
I pointed my finger in his face and spoke.
“You’re hurting right now, Kayn, and that’s cool.
They say you take it out on those closest to you.
So I’m gonna take you snapping at me for the compliment that I know you intend it to be.
Because if I take it as anything else, I might lose my job, and you might lose your head because I’m this close to knocking that big ole head of yours off those massive shoulders,” I replied, pinching my fingers together.
I turned quickly and walked away from him before he could see a teardrop fall. As I made my way back into the house through the kitchen, I was thankful that no one was around. Just like Kayn needed some time alone, so did I. I was heated.