42. Reid
CHAPTER FORTY-TWO
reid
PRESENT DAY
I knew who had texted me the moment the buzzing started. I didn’t need to look.
“Does she text you a lot?” Isa asked.
I turned my head toward her, but I was unable to say anything, so I just nodded.
She furrowed her brows, like she was trying to figure me out. “I know we’ve talked about it before, but I really think you should give her a chance.”
Frustration boiled up in me. We had talked about it before. And every time my answer was the same. Eileen didn’t want to get better. I sucked in a harsh breath so forcibly my jaw ticked.
“Reid?”
I blew out all the air through my nose, trying to ground myself so I didn’t say something I didn’t mean. “You don’t understand,” I muttered under my breath.
“I’m trying to?—”
“That’s the thing, Isa! You’ll never understand.” I pinched the bridge of my nose, squeezing my eyes shut. “You don’t get it. You had parents who cared about you. You never had to work your ass off as a thirteen-year-old kid just to scrape up enough money to make sure your siblings were fed.”
“That’s not fair…” A pained expression flashed across her face.
Regret rose in my chest as the grief for my lost childhood wrapped around me. I let my frustration and temper get the best of me—something that didn’t happen often. I considered myself a fairly level headed person, but sometimes it all just became too much.
I knew I wasn’t being fair to her, but nothing I said was untrue. Isabelle had parents who loved her and her sister. She was allowed to be a kid. That’s all I’d ever wanted when I was younger.
To be a kid .
Because that’s what I was.
Maybe I was unforgiving when it came to Eileen. But I thought I had earned that right. I had earned it the moment I started slipping in my high school classes because I was spending more time doing odd jobs to make enough money. I had earned it when my father started going on the road for work more than he came home.
Isa always saw the best in people. She was an optimist, a romantic. That was something I admired about her. And I wasn’t sure if it was more that I didn’t want to give Eileen another chance or that I didn’t want Isa to see what she was really like, in the flesh. Because there was a chance if she did see, it would break her, dull her. Who was I to ruin her outlook on life?
Instead of saying anything else to hurt her, I turned toward the cabin door. We needed to be out of here in an hour, but I needed to calm down first—force down the feelings of anger before they swallowed me whole.
“I’ll be back,” I huffed.
She tried to stop me, asking, “Wait, where are you going?” but I pushed past her.
I needed air. I needed space .
I pushed through the front door and started walking. I didn’t know where I was going, just that I needed to go.
But when gravel crunched behind me, I knew Isa had followed me outside. I stopped once the footsteps got closer, not wanting to draw this out.
“Isa.” I whirled around to tell her to leave me alone—I just needed a minute—but she reached out her hand, putting it on my chest, and lightly fisted my shirt.
My eyes slowly raked up from where her hand was to look at her, her chocolate-brown eyes pleading.
She was still holding on to my shirt. “Listen, you ass. You told me you weren’t going to leave me, so don’t.” She softened her tone as she continued. “Talk to me. Let me in.” She paused. “Please.”
“I can handle it on my own.”
She laughed, causing me to contort my face in confusion. “I know you can. Believe me. But you shouldn’t have to carry this all on your own.” She released my shirt. “I see the way you care about the people around you. You shoulder everyone else’s burdens and expect to still be able to carry your own. But unless you let someone else in—to help you with the load—you will crumble, Reid.”
I broke eye contact.
“I’ve been friends with Ellison for years. Trust me when I say you’re not going to be able to push me away that easily. I’m not scared, and you shouldn’t be either. ”
I thought about what she was saying, and my heart ached, the pain in my chest refusing to dull.
“I’m not trying to tell you what to do. That’s obviously not my place. But I also don’t want you to make any decisions you’ll regret because of stubbornness.” She cut me off before I could protest. “Don’t even try to say you’re not stubborn.” She said it with an air of amusement, not out of malicious intent.
I sighed, my breath a bit unsteady. “I never told you how bad it really was. My mom wasn’t always an alcoholic. She used to be…bright. I don’t know what it was that caused things to change. After my youngest brother was born, it just all went downhill. But I’ve never blamed Ryker for anything. It was never any of our faults.
“It started out as her sneaking shots—a little bit in her coffee or orange juice in the morning—but then it turned into drinking in front of us. That’s when my dad started leaving for longer periods of time, even longer than he’d been gone before. Typically, he’d be gone for a week or two and then come home for a bit before heading out again. But after a while, it turned into months where he was away. The twins and Ryker were obviously too young to understand, but I was old enough to know something was wrong.”
Isa drew in a breath, but she didn’t say anything, so I took it as my cue to go on.
“I told you she ruined my birthday for me. Well, the worst was my thirteenth. Kacey and Cooper were nine and Ryker was five and she had planned this big party for me—to celebrate becoming a teenager and all. The week before, she seemed like her old self, and I thought maybe she was starting to get better. Mind you, I had already been taking care of my siblings for a year at this point, but no one knew about that.” I stopped for a moment too long as an emotion I couldn’t name rolled across Isa’s features. “The day of the party came, and a bunch of my friends were there. And I don’t know if she had been sneaking alcohol during the party, but she just snapped.
“It scared the shit out of everyone there. And from that day forward, I stopped inviting friends over. I stopped getting invited by friends. No one wanted the kid with the alcoholic mother to show up and ruin their parties.
“I wasn’t afraid my problems would scare you away or you wouldn’t want to be my friend. I was afraid if you ever learned the truth about Eileen, I’d be the reason your light—your optimism—faded. I didn’t want to break you.”
“I’m not fragile,” she whispered, although her voice didn’t falter. “I’m not going to shatter, because life isn’t a fairytale, and I know that. I can take it. Just because my family life growing up was stable, doesn’t mean I haven’t had my own challenges.”
“That’s not what I’m?—”
She interrupted again. “I know. I’m not accusing you of anything. I promise. I just want you to know whatever you decide to tell me, whatever happened to you as a kid, doesn’t change my opinion of you. It doesn’t change what we have. Your past doesn’t define you. Sure, it shapes you, but without the things you went through as a kid, you wouldn’t be the same person you are today. And I happen to really like the Reid in front of me.”
“I’m scared of what I’m going to find if I go see her. If I answer her texts.”
“I know. And I’ll be whatever you need me to be. You’ve been the person I’ve always been able to run to, and I want to be that for you, I think I have been that for you. So, if you want me to come with you, I will. And if it’s something you need to do on your own, I’ll still be supporting you. But I can’t—and won’t—make the decision for you.” She paused. “But I think you deserve closure. And your mom deserves a chance.”
I took a deep breath and pulled out my phone.
*3 texts from unknown number*
All you have to do is look. You don’t even have to answer or do anything with them , I thought to myself as I opened the texts.
Unknown number
Reid, it’s Mom.
I know you probably don’t want to talk to me, and I understand. I wouldn’t want to talk to me either.
I just wanted to tell you I’m sorry. Kacey and Ryker are home. I don’t know if you’ll get this, but I just wanted to let you know that we’re doing okay.
Tears pricked behind my eyes, but I blinked them away. The messages had changed from the ones five years ago. There wasn’t any manipulation behind them, no vitriol or blame.
Maybe she had changed.
I turned to Isabelle, uttering what I never thought I’d ever say. “Okay.”
I took a deep breath as I pulled my pickup into the familiar driveway. The olive-green paint on the house was chipped and showed signs of wear, but other than that, it hadn’t changed in the past nine years since I’d left for college.
“I don’t know if I can do this,” I admitted.
“I’ll be right here with you.” Isa grabbed my hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze.
“Okay.” I exhaled a shaky breath and turned off the ignition. “Let’s do this.”
We walked up to the front door, the wood veneer also starting to crack and chip away. I knocked twice and stepped back, secretly hoping no one would be home.
“I don’t think—” I started to back away, wanting to pull Isa away from this place and never look back, but the door opened inward.
“Reid? W-what are you doing here?” Shock flashed across Eileen’s face, as if she wasn’t ever expecting me to show up. “Wait, no, that came out wrong. Come in. Please.” She opened the door wider and beckoned us to follow her in.
The home may have been cracked and broken on the outside, but the inside was nothing like I remembered. The smell of smoke and liquor had cleared out, and the space was bright with natural light from the windows. Even the furniture had been switched out for a newer, homier feel.
“Who is this?” She gestured to Isa.
“Hi, Mrs. Lawson, I’m Isabelle. I’m a, er…” she started to introduce herself before I cut her off.
“She’s my girlfriend.”
Isa looked at me, her eyebrows raised in confusion, but the expression quickly disappeared.
“Oh, that’s wonderful! It’s great to meet you. And you can call me Eileen.”
I could hardly recognize the woman in front of me. The alcoholism had aged her, that was a given, but her eyes had a light to them I hadn’t seen before.
“Hey, Mom, is there someone—” Kacey’s voice drifted into the living room as she stepped out from the kitchen. “Reid? And a girl ?” She ran over to me, practically jumping into my arms.
“Good to see you, too, Kace.” I pulled her closer into my arms. It had been too long since I’d seen her in person, and she was all grown up now. I had missed so much of their lives.
“I’m Kacey, Reid’s favorite sister.” She extended her hand to Isa.
“You’re my only sister,” I joked with her, the familiarity of our relationship rushing back to comfort me.
“I know. Hence, favorite .” She winked. “I’ll grab drinks for everyone? Isabelle, do you want to help me?”
“Yes, I can help!” she agreed. She mouthed you okay? and I nodded, so she turned to follow Kacey. Before they disappeared around the corner, I heard her say, “You can call me Isa, by the way.”
“Let’s sit?” Eileen gestured to the couch, and I sank into the plush cushion.
An awkward silence filled the air as we sat together.
“Reid, I?—”
“Why?” I choked out at the same time she said my name. “Why didn’t you do anything to help yourself?”
Her eyes welled up, and she looked away for a moment before wiping her eyes and looking back at me.
“You were never there.” My voice broke as I rasped out the words.
“That’s the thing about addiction, baby. It’s ugly, and it brings out the worst in people. I’m not trying to make excuses for what I did to you. There’s nothing I could say to excuse that.” She put her hand on mine, a motherly instinct I hadn’t experienced in years. “I’ve been sober for a month now, which doesn’t seem like a long time, but…but for me it is. And I don’t expect you to, but I hope one day you can forgive me and I can make it right with you.”
“Why now? Why is it you’re finally getting sober now that none of us need to rely on you anymore?”
She shrugged. “I have no excuse for the things that happened when you were a child, and I wish I could have done this back then. But I couldn’t and I can’t change the past, and I am so sorry for that.”
“I’ve held a lot of resentment for the way I was raised, and I think you know that.” I swallowed the lump rising in my throat as she nodded. “But I appreciate the apology. I’m not going to lie and say it’s okay or that I forgive you, because it’s not that simple, but I’m glad you’re finally getting the help you need.”
“I love you, Reid. And I’m so proud of you.”
I’d waited over fifteen years to hear those words come out of her mouth. I’d wanted so long for her to be a mother, to do her job. It would take time, I wasn’t ready to fully open my arms to her yet, but this was a start.
“I love you too, Ei—Mom.” I squeezed her hand three times, something she’d do when I was really young, before the alcohol took over her life.
“I made sun tea! Reid, you’ve gotta try it.” Kacey’s singsong voice entered the room again as she carried a big pitcher of tea and Isa followed her with glasses.
I knew they were eavesdropping. Kacey was the nosiest kid I’d ever met growing up, and that apparently hadn’t changed.
Isa sat next to me, and Kacey took the armchair on the other side of the coffee table after pouring everyone a glass.
“It was my first time ever making it, so if it’s terrible just don’t tell me,” she joked, causing us all to laugh with her.
“Is Ryke at work?” I asked.
“Yup. He’s working at a mechanic’s shop here in town for the summer,” Kacey said through a sip of her tea.
“Good for him. And Coop is still overseas?”
Kacey nodded again.
Cooper had been sent on different deployments the past few years, but he was set to come back home in the next few months.
“Enough about us, brother. How did you and Isa meet?” Kacey crossed her legs, and Eileen looked at us both expectantly.
“Well…” we both said at the same time.
“My best friend married his best friend.” Isa chuckled as she picked at the strings on her shorts. “I was the maid of honor and he was the best man, but we met long before that, actually.”
“We somehow, uh, friend-zoned each other while simultaneously pining for each other,” I added.
“Excuse me, what ?” Kacey choked out a laugh.
“It’s a long story, but we finally admitted our feelings to each other and it just went from there, I guess.” Isa shrugged.
“I hope you know I’m going to need all of the details,” Kacey said.
“Later.” I rolled my eyes.
Eileen smiled at our banter. “You two are definitely siblings.”
We spent the rest of the afternoon chatting and spending time together until Ryker got home from work. I hadn’t realized how late it had gotten until he walked through the front door, a look of surprise plastered across his face. He was no longer the lanky teenager he’d been, his muscles filling out his work uniform.
“Reid?” His lip quivered a little.
“Hey, buddy.” I gave him a long hug.
“Are you going to stay for dinner?” he asked, and a glimmer of the little kid I once knew flickered in his expression.
I patted him on the back, hoping he wouldn’t be too upset. “Listen, bud, I’d love to stay, but we’ve gotta get going. It’s a long drive back to Silver Creek.”
“All right. Well, I’ll see you soon, right?” It was hard to miss the disappointment in his voice.
“Of course, Ryke.” A little bit of guilt ate at me as I realized I had been no better than our parents in a way. Even though Ryker was only seven years younger, I’d still raised him. He looked at me like an older brother and a parent. I internally made a promise that I’d do better about visiting my siblings.
“Come back to visit, please. And bring back your girlfriend, she’s lovely.” Eileen whispered the last part. “It was a pleasure to meet you, Isa.”
“You as well, Mrs. Lawson.” She smiled.
“See you all later.” I waved as we exited the front door.
Isa climbed into the pickup, and after I got in and started it, she leaned over to kiss me. I kissed her back, despite my surprise.
“What was that for?” I asked, confused, once she had pulled back.
“I’m proud of you. It takes a lot of courage to do what you just did. You should be proud of yourself too. ”
My shoulders relaxed, like a huge weight had been lifted off of them as I put the truck in reverse and backed out of the driveway, pointing the vehicle toward the interstate to head east and go home. And I smiled—even if it was a bittersweet one—because even after everything I’d gone through, and everything still to come, I knew I’d have her by my side.
“I am.”