Chapter 40 Give Up
Give Up
Tess to Kai: Sometimes I think I’m still trapped there. [unsent]
Tess
The sky is a dull, endless stretch of grey, and the drizzle seeps into my skin, clinging like a second layer. The damp scent of freshly turned earth fills my nose as the coffin sinks lower, swallowed by the grave.
All around me are men wearing perfectly fitted, all black suits. There’s a sombre air around us all as we all say goodbye to Nico.
Enzo stands with an expressionless face, but I can see the pain in his eyes. Max is next to him, the same neutral expression on his own face.
One by one everyone throws a handful of dirt over the top of the coffin before stepping back and turning their faces to my father and brother.
Enzo opens his mouth, his tone commanding respect as he speaks about Nico and his death. It’s only at the end that he cracks a smile. “Nico was a reckless asshole. But he was our reckless asshole. He will be missed.”
A cheer choruses through the group, then everyone disperses. A sea of black breaking up as they all go in their own directions.
Kai stands to my right, Nate and Carina to my left. We’re heading home today, after the funeral, but I wanted to say goodbye to Nico. He was a good friend, who gave his life to save mine and I’ll always be grateful for that. Even if he was an annoying prick most of the time.
An arm gets draped over my shoulder.
I flinch, instinctively.
Kai frowns, his arm going stiff where it rests over my shoulders. I wait for him to pull away. To say something. But he just stands there, silent, unreadable. My chest tightens, the warmth of his touch suddenly feeling colder.
I try to smile convincingly but it seems to come out as more of a grimace.
We haven’t had a chance to really speak since I left, and it’s eating away at me.
He was normal with me last night, but he’s been very quiet today.
I'm nervous. I thought I was doing the right thing. The only thing. But now… Now I see the look in Kai’s eyes, and it’s like watching someone lock a door from the inside.
He’s shutting me out. And the worst part? I handed him the key.
Memories threaten to drag me back under their current, but I push them away.
If I don’t think about it.
If I don’t let myself dwell on that time.
Those moments where I truly wanted to die.
I’ll be okay.
After the funeral we collect our bags from Enzo’s apartment then he drives us to a private airstrip where his jet is waiting.
One by one everyone hugs Enzo goodbye before getting onboard until it’s just me and him. I shuffle a little awkwardly until he pulls me into a hug, my face getting crushed into his chest.
“I’ll visit soon,” he murmurs. “We need time to actually get to know each other. But I have things to take care of here. I’ve been away from my duties for too long.”
I tilt my head back to look at him. “And what exactly do you do? Besides kill people?”
A sharp laugh escapes him. “That’s actually not as big a part of it as you might think.” His lips twitch. “I own a nightclub. And I’ve been neglecting it lately.”
My brow lifts sceptically. “A nightclub?”
He grins. “It’s not all crime and bloodshed. Though... the club is a perfect front for money laundering and drug trafficking.”
I roll my eyes, stepping back. “Right. Good to know you have some honest work.”
He smirks but says nothing.
I wave goodbye one last time before climbing the steps onto the jet. Kai is already in his seat, and I slide in beside him with a sigh. The exhaustion of the past few month’s crashes over me all at once.
Across the aisle, Nate and Carina share a pair of headphones, listening to music together.
Now’s my chance.
I force out the question that’s been gnawing at me. “Are you mad at me?”
Kai doesn’t answer right away. I hold my breath.
“Mad? No,” he says finally. “I just wish you’d told me what you were planning. I could have talked you out of it.”
I groan, leaning my head back against the leather seat. “Who would’ve thought you’d be the one asking me to talk.”
He smirks. “I like it when you talk.”
A little flutter stirs in my stomach. “You do?”
“I like everything you do, Tess.” His expression darkens slightly. “I just didn’t like waking up to an empty bed and a note.”
I stiffen. The hurt in his voice cuts deeper than I expected.
“I let you in,” he continues. “Told you things no one else knows. And you told me you loved me… in a letter. Then you left, like it was nothing.”
Tears prick at my eyes. “I’m sorry,” I whisper, dropping my gaze.
“Will you tell me what happened?” he asks, trying to catch my eyes.
My throat clogs.
I want to. I know that I should, that I should be honest with him. But the words won’t come. I can’t force them from my lips, as if they’re trapped inside me.
He exhales heavily, and I already know I’m not going to like what he says next.
“I need a few days,” he admits. “To process everything. The last few months… it’s all just hitting me now.”
My heart cracks in my chest, but I force a smile. “That makes sense. Are… are you breaking up with me?”
“No,” he says quickly, almost too quickly. “I need to get my head on straight. Get back to real life.”
I swallow hard, nodding even as the weight in my chest grows heavier.
The words I want to say almost surface. But I know that if I tell him what Nikolai did, he’ll take it back—take back his need for space.
I need to give him that.
The rest of the flight is spent in silence. For once, my mind has nothing to say. Eventually I let myself sleep for a while.
When we land at Heathrow, it’s early morning and it’s raining, the sky cloudy and grey.
Carina drives us home in her tiny Fiat 500. Kai’s broad shoulders make the backseat feel even smaller, and I barely breathe until he gets out at his place.
Nate tries to convince him to stay in the guest room a little longer, but Kai refuses, muttering something about annoying mother hens.
Before he disappears inside, he glances at me—longing, hurt, and something else flickering in his eyes. Then he turns away.
Nate watches him go, then tilts his head at me. “You guys on the outs?”
I drop my head against the seat. “Not sure.” I shrug, aiming for casual, though my chest aches. “Can you just take me home?”
Nate nods. “We’ll swing by ours first to grab the new key.”
My head snaps up. “Oh my god. I forgot my flat is a disaster. I don’t even have a carpet.”
Nate waves me off. “Yeah, you do. Kai had me go in and fit one before you got back.” He holds up his hands, twisting them. “I’m not sure I did it right, though. Have you seen these hands? I’m not made for manual labour.”
A strange warmth spreads through me at Kai’s thoughtfulness.
“You’re literally a serial killer.”
Nate scoffs, crossing his arms. “That’s different.”
I shake my head, turning to stare out the window as London blurs past. It feels strange to be back—like no time has passed, yet everything is different.
When we pull up outside their house, Nate jumps out. “I’ll grab your keys. We need to collect Cupcake from my mum, otherwise I’d invite you in.”
Before I can reply, he’s already gone.
Carina turns to me, her gaze sharp. “Did you tell him?”
I shake my head, then my heart clenches painfully and I know that Carina sees the way my face twists.
“Out with it.”
I wrap my arms around myself. “I left him. He’s hurt.”
She purses her lips. “So… you’re just going to give up?”
“No!” I snap, then lower my voice. “He asked for space. I’m giving it to him.”
Carina studies me like she’s peeling back my layers. “I don’t want either of you to get hurt.”
“I already hurt him.” My throat tightens.
“So, show him you’re not going anywhere.”
I frown, and she sighs. “Kai is good at pushing people away. But once he lets you in, he’s all in. If you give him space now, you’re just proving to him that you’ll walk away.”
Her words don’t just settle—they burn. Because she’s right. Kai let me in, and I left. If I walk away now, I’ll be proving to him that he was right to keep his walls up in the first place.
Carina keeps going. “You need to show up for him, Tess.”
I wipe at my eyes, letting her words sink in.
“How’d you get so smart?” I murmur.
She grins. “It’s all the trauma.”