Chapter 45 I Don’t Want To Think About It
I Don’t Want To Think About It
Tess to Kai: I’m sorry. I don’t mean to annoy you. I just can’t get him out of my head. [unsent]
Tess
“How are you?” Carina asks once we settle into a booth at a quirky café near Haven’s head office.
I groan and let my head drop onto the table. “I think I’m pissing Kai off.”
Carina arches a brow. “Why?”
“He hasn’t said anything, so maybe I’m wrong.” I twist my fingers together, staring down at them. “But… I can’t be alone. Like, ever.”
I glance up at her, hoping she understands what I really mean.
She does. Of course, she does. Her expression softens—not with pity, but with understanding.
“What do you think will happen if you’re alone?”
Before I can answer, a server arrives with our food.
I wait until they’re gone before lowering my voice.
“It’s not about what I think will happen.
I just… can’t stand being alone with my thoughts.
” My throat tightens. “I used to be good at blocking things out, at staying upbeat. But now?” I exhale sharply. “I can’t.”
Tears burn the back of my eyes, and I blink rapidly, staring at the table like it holds the answers.
Carina’s hand covers mine, grounding me. “Maybe you need to talk about it.”
I shake my head. “I can’t. I don’t want to think about it.”
She nods, a faint, sorrowful smile tugging at her lips.
“I thought that too, once upon a time.” She squeezes my hand before sitting back, taking a bite of her panini.
When she swallows, she continues. “Everyone heals differently, so I’m not saying you should do what I did.
But talking to Dr. Morgan? Best decision I ever made. ”
I stay quiet, picking at the edge of my napkin.
“You can’t let him win,” she adds gently. “Confronting your thoughts might be exactly what you need.”
Before I can respond, a wave of nausea slams into me. My stomach lurches.
Shit.
I shove back from the table and bolt for the restrooms, barely making it in time before I’m emptying my stomach into the toilet.
When the nausea finally subsides, I grip the sink, splashing cold water on my face, my breath still shaky.
The door bangs open, and Carina rushes in, concern etched into her face. “What happened?”
I shake my head, trying to clear the dizziness. “I don’t know. I’ve been feeling sick for the past couple of weeks. Ever since…” I trail off, but we both know what I mean.
Carina’s eyes narrow. Her voice drops to a whisper. “Could you be…”
“What?”
She hesitates, then—“Pregnant.”
The word slams into me like a physical blow.
“No.” I shake my head, my pulse pounding. “I’m on the pi—” I stop, inhaling sharply.
I haven’t taken my pills since the Russians kidnapped me.
It hasn’t even crossed my mind.
Carina grips my arms as my knees threaten to buckle. “When was your last period?”
I swallow hard. “The day Nico got me to the safehouse.” My voice is barely above a whisper.
Carina does the math.
“That was the end of June. It’s now mid-August…”
I can’t breathe.
“Alright, let’s not panic just yet.”
Too late for that.
“Deep breath in.” She waits for me to do so. “Now out.” After a few minutes the panic is less prominent. “There you go.
“We’re going to go get a pregnancy test. That way we’ll know for sure.”
I jerk a shaky nod, letting her pull me from the bathrooms and back to our table.
My stomach is too unsettled to eat so we just collect our belongings and head out into the warm air outside.
Carina walks me to the nearest pharmacy where she buys a bunch of pregnancy tests. “Just in case,” she says with a laugh.
It feels like I’m having an out of body experience.
We head back towards Haven, but before we step inside, I stop.
I can’t do this.
“You go inside,” I tell Carina who’s looking at me worriedly.
“You’re not coming?”
“I need a minute alone,” I say, “I’ll be right behind you.”
She studies me for a moment before nodding.
As soon as the door closes behind her, I turn.
And I run.