CHAPTER TWENTY - LIZ
CHAPTER TWENTY
LIZ
Liz caught herself fidgeting and stopped. She wasn’t anxious exactly. It was just a bad habit. Okay, maybe Dr. Mayer still made her a little nervous. He kept writing notes on his pad of paper, which always made her a little paranoid. What was he writing?
“I’m glad to hear you’re feeling good behind the wheel. That’s quite a milestone for you,” he said.
“Well, I didn’t drive here today,” Liz pointed out. “I rode my bike.” But she’d wanted to drive. She’d contemplated it. “My friend, Melody, is chaperoning the high school’s prom in two weeks.”
Dr. Mayer gave her a steady look. “Oh?”
“She’s going with Christopher West, a teacher at the school.”
“And how do you feel about that?” Dr. Mayer asked.
Liz could have predicted that question. “Irritated,” she answered honestly.
“Irritated that she would feel okay going after what happened to you and your group of friends?” Dr. Mayer asked.
“No.” Liz shook her head. That wasn’t it at all. She was happy for her friends. “I’m irritated that I’m not able to go too. I don’t feel comfortable. The idea makes me sweaty and nauseous.” Even talking about this right now had her palms damp. “I should be okay by now, shouldn’t I? I mean, it’s been years. Melody is fine to go. Why aren’t I?”
Dr. Mayer’s gaze was steady. “You tell me?”
Liz shrugged as she searched for some deep answer. There was only one explanation for why she couldn’t bring herself to go to prom too. “Because I’m not as strong as she is.”
Dr. Mayer gave her an unwavering look. “I don’t think that’s true. I see you as a very strong woman, Liz. Look at all you’ve overcome.”
Liz didn’t feel like she’d overcome anything. She’d just been surviving, living one breath and one day at a time.
“What would happen if you did go to this prom?” Dr. Mayer asked.
Liz squirmed in her chair. She uncrossed her legs and recrossed to the other side, still not feeling comfortable. Was his office usually this hot? “What do you mean?”
“Exactly what I said. What would happen?”
“Well, my chest would feel tight. I might have a heart attack. I’d definitely have a panic attack.”
“You’ve had panic attacks before. You know what to do. You know how to calm yourself when you’re having one. And you have a support system who could help you if that were to happen,” he said.
Liz swallowed past a tight throat. “We could get in a car accident on the way. Just like we did that night.”
“That could happen next time you’re a passenger in the car with someone though, couldn’t it?” he asked. “Didn’t you say you just traveled to the women’s prison with your friend? And you arrived back home safely.”
Liz was fidgeting again. She didn’t even try to stop herself this time. She uncrossed her legs and folded them underneath her this time.
“What would happen if you said yes and went to that prom and proved to yourself that you were strong? It’s not about proving that to anyone else. Everyone who knows you already knows that’s the case.”
Liz blinked, trying to calm the burn of tears in her eyes that was clouding her vision.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” Dr. Mayer pressed.
Liz could feel her heart beating harder. She could hear the sound of her pulse in her ears. All of this just because she was thinking about going to the prom. “I could die, I guess,” she finally said.
“You could die sitting here right now.”
Did he think that would make her feel calmer?
“Now, what’s the best thing that could happen?” he asked, leaning forward over his desk.
Liz shook her head, her fingers running over the charm bracelet on her wrist. Her fingers felt each one, trying to name them in her head as she moved from one to the other. A dress. A butterfly. The newest one—the wave, representing Bri’s dream of going to the ocean. “I guess the best thing would be that I wouldn’t die. I’d live.”
“You’d live,” Dr. Mayer repeated, the smallest hint of a smile on his mouth.
Liz wasn’t sure she’d ever seen him smile before. He always looked so serious and contemplative. “Yeah. I’d live and I’d be proud of myself, I guess. It’d be like I passed some impossible test.”
“I’m guessing that would be an amazing feeling,” Dr. Mayer said. “Doing something that is hard. That you feel incapable of doing.”
Liz’s heart was still beating fast, but it wasn’t solely from fear anymore. There was a spark of something more. Possibly excitement. “Yeah.”
“What if you just thought about it for a couple of days? What if you devoted some time to picturing yourself in a dress and high heels. Picture your friend picking you up and driving you to the high school. Imagine that the trip is uneventful and you feel calm all the way there. Then you arrive and go inside and you’re still calm. Do you think you could work on imagining that?”
“Visualization?” Liz asked.
“It’s a very effective tool that’s always available to you. Prom is two weeks away, you say? Visualizing yourself there every day for two weeks might make it a reality.”
Liz looked down at the bracelet. Her fingers were still resting on the wave charm that Bri had added. “So you think I should go?”
“If there’s something a person can do to make themselves feel a sense of pride, to overcome a fear, or something they can hurdle that will advance them leaps and bounds instead of setting them back, I always think they should take a chance and do that thing.”
Liz was surprised that Dr. Mayer was fully smiling at her now. “I’ll think about it. And visualize it.”
He leaned back in his chair, a satisfied look on his face. “Good. Let me know what happens.”
She nodded and unfolded her legs to stand. “I will.”
* * *
Later that evening, Liz sat on her front porch swing, letting the forward and backward motion carry her thoughts to and from various places. Rose was working at The Bitery tonight with her friend Devin helping out. Liz was certain that Rose probably wasn’t dressed appropriately for running the counter, but Liz wasn’t Rose’s mother. When their mother got back, she could try to reign in Liz’s unruly, outspoken, vibrant, and courageous sister.
Liz’s gaze traveled to the brightest star in the sky tonight, which made her mind go to Jo. “Hey, Jo. Hey, Alyssa,” she said quietly, blowing out a breath as the swing screeched in its upward motion. “Do either of you have any advice for me?” As soon as she uttered the words, movement on the street caught her eye. She blinked the figure into focus, realizing it was Matt walking Mr. Beast past her home. She flicked her gaze back to the star. “You never were very subtle,” she told Jo, wondering and hoping her late friend could hear her.
Matt stopped walking when he seemed to notice her sitting there. Then he lifted his hand and waved.
She waved back, feeling a jolt of something in her heart. A tiny lightning bolt of energy. A spark.
“It’s a beautiful night,” he called across her lawn. “Care to join me on my walk?”
Liz started to say no, but the word came out all wrong. “Sure.” She stood on wobbly legs and headed down the porch steps. Then she walked across the grass to where he was standing. Mr. Beast ran over to sniff her shoes.
“Complete honesty here,” Matt said, looking at her, “I was pretty sure you were going to turn me down.”
“Me too.” She turned her body forward and took a step, waiting for him to walk with her. It was just an evening stroll under the stars with a guy who made her heart skip. No big deal, she told herself.
“How was your day?” Matt asked.
Liz considered the question, deciding to follow Matt’s lead and go with complete honesty too. “I had an appointment with my psychologist.”
“Yeah?”
She listened for any hint of judgement, but there was none. No one had ever judged her for seeking help. It was her own paranoia and self-judgement that made her shy away from talking about things with people. “Mm-hmm. He thinks I’m a strong person.”
Matt cleared his throat. “Well, he sounds like a smart guy. For the record, I think the same thing about you.”
Liz glanced over. “You do?”
“Hell, yeah. The strongest woman I know.”
Liz took a shuddery breath, feeling the little bump in her pulse. “He wants me to visualize myself going to prom. And consider going for real. Just like Melody.”
“Wow,” he said quietly. “What do you think? Is that something you’re ready for?”
“I don’t know.”
Matt was quiet for a long moment. “I’m not a psychologist. I’m just a cop. But, in my book, you’re strong regardless of whether you decide to go. You could decide to shut yourself inside your home and never get behind a steering wheel again, and it wouldn’t make me think you were weak.”
Liz kept her gaze forward. She couldn’t look at Matt right now. She might break. “Thank you for saying so.”
“I’m just saying what’s true. Do you want to go to prom?” he asked.
They stopped walking so that Mr. Beast could lift his leg on a mailbox post. Liz finally looked at Matt.
“No, I really, really don’t want to go,” she said. She wasn’t sure, but she thought she saw disappointment flash in his eyes. “But . . . somewhere deep inside I feel like I need to. Does that make sense?”
Mr. Beast tugged on the leash that Matt was holding and they began to walk again.
“When I was a kid, I was scared of the dark.” Matt chuckled softly beside her. “Like, I was really scared. I had a nightlight, a flashlight, you name it. My mom said it was okay to be afraid of something, but then I went to stay with my dad and he belittled me. He said no son of his was going to let fear win out.”
“You were just a kid,” Liz said softly.
Matt nodded. “Yeah, my dad was a first-class jerk on a lot of levels. He didn’t let me have my nightlight or flashlight. He took the bulb out of the ceiling fixture so I couldn’t have light at all. Those first couple nights were the longest of my life.” He looked over at Liz. “I would never be the person to tell you to do something just because it scares you.” His jawline bunched and released. “I will say, after that visit with my dad, I was never afraid of the dark again. I was never really afraid of anything much again.” He looked at her. “Except maybe a pretty woman. Those always scare me.”
Liz wanted to look away, but she couldn’t. Was he talking about her? Was he calling her pretty? “So, what you’re saying is, if I force myself to face my fears and go to prom, I’ll never be afraid of anything again?”
Matt shook his head on a smile. “No, I’m not saying that at all. But I am offering to go with you, if you want me to.”
Liz’s heart melted at the offer. Matt had asked her to go to prom with him every year for the last five. It was always a casual invitation that she didn’t think twice about turning down. “He went about it all wrong, but I think your dad was just doing what he thought was best.”
“Loving me in his own way.” Matt nodded. “I know. So? What do you say?”
Liz felt shaky and weak. “My doctor told me to visualize going. I haven’t really been able to picture it in my mind. I can’t imagine wearing the dress or walking into the gym. It’s like my brain refuses to go there.”
The sound of Mr. Beast’s paws against the pavement ahead punctuated the quiet of the night. “I understand,” Matt said after a moment.
Liz shook her head, knowing Matt didn’t understand. “I haven’t been able to visualize going until right now in this moment. I can imagine going with you. Kind of.” She laughed nervously. “I mean, it’s a blurry vision. But I’m there. With you. It doesn’t feel as scary with you beside me.”
Matt grinned at her, his eyes seeming to sparkle as they reflected the stars. “Then we should go—together. I can be your nightlight.”
“I would like that.”
To: Liz Dawson
From: Bri Johnson
Subject: Grounded
Liz,
There’s something so comforting about doing what’s familiar. I love working in the prison library. I love it, and the thought of not having this job to go to once I’m out makes me feel breathless and panicky. Once I leave this building, I won’t have any of the familiar things that I’ve come to rely on these last few years. You’re probably thinking, “you’ll have me.” But even you aren’t familiar because I’m used to turning to you with an e-message. I’m not used to seeing you face-to-face all that often. I’m not the adventurous girl I once was, who loved the idea of what was new and exciting. I’ve changed. We all have. And now I’m faced with having to change again because I can’t be who I’ve become in this prison out there in the real world. I just can’t. And I can’t go back to who I was before I got here either. Anyway, I guess what I’m trying to say is, don’t be surprised if I continue to email you once I’m free. Our e-messages might just be the one familiar thing that keeps me grounded.
B