Chapter 31
Xander
I didn’t talk about the time that directly followed my parents’ death because I was pretty ashamed of how I handled it. While
Marcus was the adult and took care of all the arrangements, I lost control. And every time I did that, someone had to clean
up my mess.
Namely Sloan. Sometimes Tristan.
“It’s not one thing, it’s a million,” I confessed. “After my parents died, I sort of spun out. Drinking, partying, drugs.
All of it. Mostly cleaned up thanks to Sloan and Tristan, but there’s a lot of fodder if someone went looking.”
“ If Silas finds anything,” Penelope encouraged, “nobody would fault you.”
“I don’t care if it gets out,” I blurted. The first place my mind went to when Penelope told me that Silas leveled some ambiguous
threat was the press, because that would be the easiest target. “I just want you to know about it.”
The second thing that popped into my head was the look on Selena’s face whenever something unsavory got printed about Henry.
It happened less now, but I could tell it hurt her—because it was a lot easier to take a hit than watch someone you loved
do so. Not that I thought Penelope felt for me even a quarter of what Selena felt for Henry, but at least she wasn’t caught
off guard.
Penelope nodded, squeezing my hand.
“It was only ever bad twice,” I assured her. “Once when they died and once after Reina and I—”
I stopped, realizing where I was going. Reina was a relic of the past and the last person I wanted to talk about with Penelope.
“Reina and you...” An encouraging smile and gentle squeeze on my knee.
“Yeah. After we broke up, Sloan suggested a trip, we went to Istanbul,” I explained, trying to gauge how Penelope felt as
we moved into much more serious territory than we ever had. “After that, it was like a dam burst. Every memory I’d managed
to keep from following me became this unstoppable highlight reel. I just needed a break. For a second. I was a mess that week
and Sloan and Tristan had to pick up the pieces. I drank, took drugs, ended up in the hospital because I was pretty out of
it.”
Penelope’s eyebrows rose.
“I was fine, after that. A while after. I started trying to handle things better.”
I didn’t venture near things that got me that close to the edge again. Like relationships. I kept them brief and surface level
so I couldn’t possibly hurt like that again. And I held on tight to the people I had, the ones I knew I wouldn’t lose. I didn’t
let them go.
“During those times,” I added, looking down at the floor, “I felt like I was drowning and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t
come up for air.”
Everything that hid in the corners of my mind came to life all at once that night. Sounds of metal screeching. The sound of
bloodcurdling screams. Reina walking away. Feeling like I was completely alone, even though I wasn’t. Every single terrible
thought I’d ever had surrounded me with no escape.
That breakup felt like a marker in time.
After that, my life went on, but a part felt frozen. The part that closed itself to entertaining any bond that might break. That was, until Penelope.
“Hey.” Penelope lifted my chin. “I’m glad you’re alright, now.”
I smoothed a hand down her back. “Listen, about Reina.”
“You’re allowed to have had a past and have been in love.” An upward inflection at the end of her sentence almost made it
sound like a question, but she moved past it quickly. “I don’t know if you recall, but I was engaged for a time.”
I smiled at her attempt at levity.
“I can’t go back to that place, and I won’t,” I assured her. I swallowed against a tightness in my throat. Stability looked
different for everyone. For me, it was having everyone I needed to keep me steady. My family. Home.
The fear of being that hurt, completely untethered, it kept me close to home. Close to my family. The people that were around
for good, that I wouldn’t lose. That kept my world on its axis.
“But fair warning, I’m a little broken.”
“No,” she gently disagreed. She looked at me impishly, shaking her head. She leaned in and rested it against my shoulder.
“Just a bit bent.”