Chapter Five
Susie
“Hi Mom. How are you? Is everything... Does Dad?—”
“Not yet, sweetheart. But everything is fine. He’ll find something soon. What about you? Are you getting along with the other girls, Susie? Do they know you were never a cheerleader before?”
“Everything’s fine, Mom. The girls are great.”
Guilt heats my face and I cringe. It feels wrong not to tell her about Liz, but there’s no way I want her worrying about me any more than she does. Even if it’s irrational because I’m an adult now, Mom will worry about Liz’s tough family life somehow affecting me, or worry that it affected Liz in a bad way.
“You’re not doing anything dangerous, are you?”
“Of course not.”
She pauses, and my guilty discomfort flares into fear. She has something to say that I’m not going to like.
“I’m proud of you being a cheerleader, Susie.”
Her voice is quiet, not sounding particularly proud. More concerned. “In fact—”
Her voice brightens, but it sounds false and brittle, and tension stiffens my stomach muscles. “I was telling my friend, Connie from the Ladies’ Auxiliary, you remember her, nice woman.”
She pauses, but I don’t speak.
“She told me she heard that Liz McNeil was a cheerleader at UConn and was wondering if that was true.”
I want to throw up. I was foolish to think I could get away with keeping it from her. She was bound to find out. But I’m more worried about her finding out that Liz is my roommate. I need my parents’ support to stay in college. At least for now. I’m not independent yet. I don’t want a repeat of them taking me out of school to avoid Liz now.
“Susie? Is it true?”
Her voice shakes, and I try to take a deep breath, but I can’t because my chest is so tight.
I try to keep my voice even. “Yes. It’s true.”
I don’t bother trying to explain because she knows why I didn’t tell her. She doesn’t like it. She’s going to be sick with needless worry now.
“Susie—you can’t?—”
“Don’t worry, Mom. It’s not the same. I’m a grown adult. And so is Liz. And we’re nowhere near?—”
“Don’t talk about it. Don’t… well, you know you need to stay away from her family.”
She pauses, and I feel too torn to speak. “Is she… all right?”
“She’s fine.”
I’m glad to have something good and true to say. “She’s great. She’s the captain of the squad.”
“Captain?”
Mom’s quiet chuckle holds no humor. “Of course.”
She takes a deep breath. “You watch out for her. Don’t let her?—”
“Don’t worry about me, Mom. I’m my own person. And Liz is not a bad person. She can’t help where she came from…”
My voice trails off, and there’s silence on the line. Expensive seconds of uncomfortable long-distance silence tick by before Mom clears her throat.
“Yes, well… Do you need anything?”
Sneakers and skater’s panties pop into my head, but I have no trouble keeping that to myself because I stubbornly need to stick to my budget and stay as independent as possible. I also keep my mouth shut about Liz being my roommate. For now. I don’t want to have to worry about my parents giving me an ultimatum—find a new roommate or no more college tuition. It seems extreme, but I can’t underestimate Dad’s worry over money influencing the decision.
“I’m all set, Mom.”
Dad gets on the phone and asks when classes start.
“Not yet.”
Twisting the phone cord, I turn away from the mirror.
“What kind of classes are you taking? Any mechanical engineering?”
“Not this semester,”
I toss the words out while my stomach is still churning, thinking about Liz and feeling disloyal to her. And disloyal to Mom. Talking about Engineering when I have no intentions of continuing in that major feels like I’m worse than Benedict Arnold, betraying both my parents with lies.
“You could go for both mechanical and electrical engineering. Why not?”
He laughs like he’s excited that I might follow in his footsteps, while I know there’s not a chance that I will.
Regretting that I can’t do it, that I can’t be an engineer to please him without betraying myself, I practically strangle my hand with the phone cord because there’s no way I can tell him right now.
I have to change to Education as soon as possible, figure out the student loans, and then I’ll tell him. My tummy floats around, unsure about my idea, but it’s something I need to do. To make my own decisions, be an independent adult. That’s what I’m here for.
“I’ll talk to you more about it when classes start, Dad.”
There’s silence for a beat, like I’ve hosed down the fire of his enthusiasm. I bite my lip, dreading our next conversation. “Dad, I promise I’ll study hard and get a good job when I graduate.”
“I know you will, Susie Q. You’re a good girl and an excellent student. You deserve to get everything you want.”
His words relieve some of my tension, and my tummy settles. We say our goodbyes. Mom comes back on the phone.
“Have you heard from Todd?”
She whispers the question like she’s afraid of the answer.
“No. He doesn’t have my phone number.”
That’s not why I haven’t heard from him, and I’m hesitant to tell her I don’t want to.
“Well, I’m sure there are plenty of nice boys at UConn. Have you met any yet?”
And this is why I didn’t want to tell her Todd and I are over.
“The only boys on campus so far are on sports teams like football and soccer,”
I say, skating around the question of whether I’ve met any boys like a champion. It’s useless telling her boys are the last thing I’m worried about right now.
“Don’t worry; once classes get going and the campus fills up with all the students, you’ll find somebody nice. I’m certain of it.”
“You’re probably right, Mom. I have to go to dinner now. I’ll call again next week after classes start.”
Hanging the receiver in the cradle of the wall next to the door, I turn to our shared dresser and pull out a tube top and cutoffs since I imagine Rapp’s Deli is not a particularly formal place. Then I slide on my Dr. Scholl’s sandals, and I’m almost ready to go.
My hair is still damp, so I stand in front of the fan to dry it, long and as straight as it’ll go. It’s unfashionably thick with a slight wave to it, but I don’t care. I should care. I was raised my whole life to care about my appearance at all times, but tonight doesn’t feel like my real life.
Somehow being at UConn—and especially running into Liz and becoming a cheerleader, of all things—doesn’t feel real. It feels more like I’m in an episode of the Twilight Zone, like this is a temporary suspension of reality.
Truthfully, I’ve felt like this since Dad was laid off from his job. Things changed then, the effect of his job loss rippling through my life in waves, on and on, from leaving Smith to working a summer job at the tobacco farm—something I never expected to do—to my parents talking to a real estate agent.
I was too chicken to ask Dad about his job hunt today because I don’t want to hear about his interviews on the West Coast. When he gets a job, he’ll tell me. Or Mom will.
And when they sell the house, they’ll tell me. They’ll sit me down in the never-used formal living room for one of those life-altering talks. Shit. I swipe at my eyes as I stare at myself in the mirror, then try to look busy rummaging through my makeup when Liz saunters into the room in her towel.
She carries on a monologue about Rapp’s as she dresses in fast motion, putting on old Levi’s and a red halter top that sets off her dark hair. She doesn’t need makeup—not that I’m wearing much myself besides a little eyeliner and mascara. The sunshine took care of adding a touch of pink to my face whether I wanted it or not.
“I hope Bryan is there tonight.”
She sits down to put on her strappy sandals. They’re a few years out of fashion, and I wonder if she got them at Goodwill. It’s where she used to get her clothes. But I don’t ask.
“Why wouldn’t he be there?”
“He’s a loner sometimes. A real party pooper.”
She makes a comically disapproving face.
“You would make an odd couple then. Why do you like him?”
“Besides the fact that he’s the ultimate fox?”
She grins and sighs. “He’s my guy, my person, the one I count on, I unload on. The one person in the world I need.”
Sounds more like a father substitute or a brother more than a boyfriend—except for the fox part because I agree that he has a lot of sex appeal. But I nod because it’s her call who to crush on, and maybe connecting doesn’t need an explanation.
“Sounds like you know him really well, like you have quite a past with him.”
“We do. I’ve known him longer than I’ve known you.”
“You never mentioned him.”
“No. He was my secret friend—or the friend I shared all my secrets with. And now I need to win him back. I need a plan because he’s so dug in and won’t listen to reason. I need to appeal to his baser needs—if you know what I mean.”
“You mean you’re going to throw yourself at him?”
I’m half kidding.
“Not exactly… well, maybe. If that doesn’t work, I’m thinking I’ll have to make him jealous. Jealousy always works.”
I shake my head. “I don’t know, Liz. It might not. It’s risky. You’ll have to involve another guy?—”
“That’s the beauty of it.”
She laughs. “I’m always up for flirting and maybe making out with a cute guy.”
“That’s what I’m worried about,”
I say, half laughing. I’m not sure if she’s serious.
“Let’s go.”
Liz flips her hair over her shoulder. It’s the same length as mine, only straighter and finer, parted down the middle, the most in-vogue, effortless style. “We should get there early since I’m in charge.”
Liz checks her watch, a basic black-banded Timex.
My watch is a slick Seiko with a gold satin-finish band and an emerald green face. I reach for the latch, automatically self-conscious enough to want to remove it. She flashes her friendly smile with a what are you waiting for question in her eyes.
I’m not really a fancy watch kind of girl anymore.
I grab my bag, an old fringed one that I almost didn’t bring to school. I’ll wear the watch because it’s my only one, but I don’t want to bring my Dooney at worst, he’s not-so-politely disinterested. Either way, he dismisses me, and his attention snaps back to Liz. He gently guides her into my hold, and I have no choice but to take control. I probably should have done that on my own, but I’m too used to Liz being in charge. Or, sure, it could be that Bryan rattles me. No. More than that.
He intrigues me. Shit. That’s no good.
But I can’t help feeling we met once before. A long time ago. As I stare into his eyes, the recognition shakes me. I know it’s him. He’s that boy. The one in the ditch.
Turning away, I tug on Liz’s arm and murmur, “Let’s go.”
She tugs back, ignoring me, her eyes aimed in Bryan’s direction.
My glance returns to him like it’s magnetized, and I watch his retreating back. Staring in astonishment at the massiveness of him, the rippling muscles of his back, the tight ass outlined perfectly under his tighty-whiteys, I’m glad he doesn’t see my wide eyes glued to him.
He may as well be naked. His dark, tanned skin ends halfway up his thighs, and the dark hairs on his legs show against his white skin. His back gleams white, and his dark, tanned arms perfectly mark invisible T-shirt sleeves halfway up his biceps.
I stare until he disappears down the hall into the darkness, and I hear a door shut. Letting out a breath I didn’t realize I was holding, I turn back to Liz.
She’s looking at me pensively, and God only knows what she’s thinking.
“He is breathtaking, isn’t he?”
Awe fills her voice, and I know a rhetorical question when I hear one; honestly, I do, but I answer her.
“He is. Let’s go.”
She moves ahead of me, faster and with more force, taking me along with her energy when I thought I was leading her away a second ago. But that’s how Liz is—a force of nature.
Something I need to remember before I get too caught up in her whirlwind. Or is it too late? Because, hell, she’s already scooped me into her world of cheerleading.
Now I’m not only at a school where I never thought I’d be; my major is in question, and I’m without a plan for my future. My dad is desperate for work and may need to sell my childhood home, and who knows where my parents will end up or where I’ll go.
I’m doing things I definitely never planned to do: rooming with a childhood friend who my parents thought was a bad influence. My life is unrecognizable from a year ago. I’m struggling to figure out how to be independent and follow my own path.