Chapter Twenty-Nine
Bryan
“What’s wrong?”
She asks a legitimate question while I try to avoid her eyes.
“Do you want to sit there and eat while Liz plays tonsil hockey with some guy—who, by the way, is going to end up either getting his heart broken by her or punched in the nose by me, possibly both.”
First, she looks chagrinned, then she looks puzzled. I don’t blame her. I swipe a hand through my hair and keep walking. She walks with me. I’m not surprised. Beyond that, I’m not sure how I feel because I’m fucking confused.
I don’t want to have feelings for her. Hell, I don’t even want to have lust for her, but that boat has sunk.
The problem is, as much as I don’t want Liz to be my girlfriend, I can’t toss her aside, can’t not have her in my life. I care about her, and there’s no way I can abandon her—not even for Susie. That’s what my head and my heart say—until Susie comes along and makes me feel crazy.
She gives me her trust, wearing her heart on her sleeve even when she’s trying to hold back. And she has no idea how beautiful she is, no matter how many guys flatter her. She deserves better than a horny college kid. And I’m not sure I’m that guy.
She bumps into my side, and I’m not sure if it’s accidental until I glance down at her and see the hopeful grin. “A penny for your thoughts?”
she asks naively.
“Afraid my thoughts will cost you a whole hell of a lot more than that, Princess. You don’t have what it takes.”
I absolutely love provoking her, especially with the truth.
She wrinkles her nose, and I can’t wait to hear what smartass comment she has for me, theoretically to put me in my place.
“Arrogance? Is that what you’re going to try to deflect me with?”
She shakes her head. “Why do guys always think I’m so fragile?”
“What guys?”
It’s a knee-jerk response, and I could bite off my tongue for letting my caveman instincts take over. Shit. I’m better than that.
Her eyebrows shoot up, and she suppresses a smile. “Do you really care?”
“Now who’s deflecting?”
I reel in my quick-trigger Susie-inspired emotions because she’s right. It shouldn’t matter to me if there are other guys in the picture, even assholes who underestimate her strength.
“I don’t underestimate you. Maybe I don’t see the point of dragging you down with my inner turmoil.”
“You mean melodrama?”
She doesn’t bother hiding her small laugh at my expense now.
I heave a sigh and smirk at her. “No melodrama. It would only be melodrama if I shared my shit with you.”
I raise an eyebrow to emphasize my point, that not sharing makes sense.
“That’s a cop-out I’ve never heard before, but it’s still a cop-out.”
I snort.
But then she slows down when we reach the student union, and I stop and turn to her because she looks serious.
“What’s the matter?”
“I wish you would trust me.”
She stares into my eyes like she’s waiting for a response, as if she’s asked a question. But it feels more like a dare.
“I do.”
“Prove it.”
I glance around. Students are coming and going, and the breeze kicks up. “Let’s go inside.”
She follows me, and the sparring of a few seconds ago, even though it had an edge, makes me want to wind back the clock.
We get inside, and I lead her down a hall to the left and open one of the doors to an empty room, except for the furniture, which makes it look like a lounge. I’ve been here before for an alumni event. I close the door behind us and then lean against it, pulling her into me, holding onto her hips.
She pulls back to keep the smallest space between us, looking up at me, her eyes wide, expectant.
“If I get drafted by the NFL, I’ll have to play.”
“And that’s a problem.”
She’s not being sarcastic, not telling me what’s the problem,
but she doesn’t understand.
“I know there’s more to this story, Bryan. Tell me.”
She’s almost pleading.
My heart thuds, and it has nothing to do with her hips pressing into my dick. I swallow down the fear that revealing myself makes me feel, the vulnerability that I swore I would never allow, and I nod.
“It’s what I promised to do. It would be the life I dreamed of coming true, the impossible becoming a reality.”
I pull her to my chest and hold her, needing the flimsy protection of not letting her look in my eyes. As if that’ll stop her from seeing me.
“But it’s someone else’s life, never meant to be mine. The one that feels like an affirmation of my deepest secrets and a betrayal to my soul at the same time.”
She loosens my grip and steps back from me. “Why is it so hard to have your dream?”
I take a shuddering breath and pull her close, but she keeps her eyes on mine, waiting.
“Because I’m a farmer. I love the farm—or I used to. It’s been in the family for four generations. But we’ve been selling it off piece by piece until now. I could make it work. I know I could.”
I close my eyes for a beat. “My mother and Wally are depending on me.”
“What about your father?”
I laugh. “He’s the reason for everything. He’s the reason… never mind.”
I shake my head, unable to say anymore, unable to let the words form in my head. Caleb’s gone either way. And either way, I owe him. I promised him.
She goes on her toes and kisses me, and as if she’s blowing fairy dust, the specter of Caleb and my father and the farm all disappear.
The jiggling of the doorknob behind me ends the kiss. Stepping back, I pull Susie behind me and open the door, prepared to tell the story about looking for the room with the Farmers of America meeting.
The woman’s eyes pop, and whoever she is, she recognizes me. “Bryan Granger? I had no idea you’d be?—”
“In the wrong place.”
I try a smile.
Susie steps around me and takes control. “We’re so sorry. We’ll get out of your way now.”
We exchange places with the woman and head back down the hall to the exit, Susie holding my hand tight.
We’re silent until we get outside, and Susie turns to me, her face earnest, her eyes searching. “Thank you for telling me what’s troubling you, Bryan. I had no idea things were so complicated.”
She stands in front of me staring, and I’m acutely aware of the other students coming and going and being across the street from the field house. I don’t want anyone else to recognize me, to have to deal with talking with anyone else right now.
“Your welcome doesn’t seem like an appropriate response.”
She laughs, dispelling the tension I created by spilling my guts.
“You can talk to me any time?—”
“No. I can’t. I think that was… enough.”
I quirk my mouth. “I wouldn’t want you thinking I need a shrink or something.”
“Strangely, I think you’re just fine.”
She grins. “You take your life decisions seriously; you understand the consequences and that nothing is that simple, not even your dreams coming true.”
My brows go up all on their own, and I smirk. “Now that you mention it, I guess I’m a very mature adult.”
She rolls her eyes, grinning. “Back to being arrogant? Seriously, whatever happens, I know you’ll be okay. Better than okay.”
I wish I could have her, my own personal cheerleader, around for the foreseeable future; then she’d be right. But there’s no way I’m going down that path, to another useless pipedream.