Chapter Thirty-Five
Susie
“Tonight’s the night!”
Liz whisper-shouts in my ear.
“The night?”
Fletcher’s house is crowded and noisy, and I wonder if I missed something she said while I was staring at Bryan, the bane of my existence, the guy I wish I’d never met. The guy I can’t stop thinking about, can’t stop wanting. The guy I’m trying to avoid until after I talk to Liz because I’m not giving up on him, on us, even if he is for all the wrong reasons. Finals are over, and I have no more reason to wait.
Tonight is the night I plan to tell her that I have feelings for him, that we’ve… kissed. I need to tell her because I still want him, want to make a relationship with him work.
“Tonight’s the night I sleep with Bryan,”
she says loud and clear. “Again. We’re going to be a couple again starting tonight.”
Shit. Judy and I follow her as we squeeze through the crowd in the small living room of the cottage.
“Crazy cool. Tell us all about it,”
Judy says, her face brightening with a grin that makes her cheerleading smile look anemic. “Are you staying at his place?”
“Of course. I have it all planned.”
Liz grins like she knows something I don’t, and for a fraction of a time, I panic, my stomach giving a heave. What if she’s right? What if she does know something I don’t know—about how Bryan really feels? Maybe he’s changed his mind and chosen her, given up on fighting her because their bond is too much to give up. Because they have in common a tragic past and damaged relationships with their fathers.
What do I know about that? Maybe Bryan realizes he doesn’t want a na?ve, clueless girl to share his tragic secrets with. Maybe he needs someone who understands because they’ve experienced horrors themselves.
“You okay?”
Liz asks, a concerned frown furrowing her brow.
“No. I don’t feel good. I need to leave. Give me your keys.”
“We’ve only been here ten minutes,”
Judy says. “What’s wrong?”
Liz pulls her car keys from the bib pocket of her overalls but hesitates. “Are you okay to drive, Susie? You don’t look well at all.”
“I’ll be fine. Fresh air will help.”
Taking the keys from her with shaking hands, I turn to the front door and rush in that direction, struggling past the incoming crowd.
I feel someone following me, and I’m ready to reassure Susie when a hand touches my shoulder. I stop with my mouth open, words of reassurance ready to spill from my mouth when I see it’s Judy at my side. Stumbling, I drop the keys. She quickly bends to pick them up.
“Let’s get you home,”
she says, and I nod gratefully. She blocks for me as we push through the crowd to the door and finally get outside.
Taking a giant gulp of cool air, I feel better, like I can see the finish line. “You don’t have to leave with me, Judy. I need to?—”
“Are you sure you can drive?”
I need to be alone. But I don’t say that because no matter how sick I feel right now, I refuse to be mean to her. She follows me as I keep walking, forcing deep breaths. I hurry my steps. I need to escape before my emotions burst in a flood of embarrassing tears, the kind of tears that I can give no explanation for because no one can know how I really feel. Not yet.
Ignoring her question, I make it to the car and lean against the door in relief, as if getting away will save me from feeling the gaping wound, as if not seeing Liz and Bryan together will keep it from happening.
Judy opens the passenger door and I get in. Maybe she’s decided to drive me home. I don’t have the energy to argue or to make up an excuse about why I want to be alone.
But then she doesn’t get in the driver’s side. She backs away, holding up her finger like she’s telling me to wait a minute.
When she disappears, I sigh in relief. Taking a shuddering breath in the silent dark car, I take a second to appreciate my aloneness. I’ll go back to my room and put the Beatles’ White Album on my stereo, eat M&Ms, and cry until I fall asleep.
I’m almost content with my plan, determined to unblock the sadness, to let it all out, to squeeze every last ounce of heartbreak from my chest, to wring it all out of me in one night and move on.
Until I realize Judy took the keys with her.
Shit.