Chapter 9 #2
‘Look, I know she was your daughter and you obviously loved her but she was sleeping with another man pretty much every day of our marriage and before we got married and then she left me and Etta to start a life with him. She didn’t love me and I’m sorry to say I never loved her.
We muddled along because of Etta, because I would never have left my daughter.
But despite the problems in our marriage, I was never unfaithful to her.
I supported her financially so she would never have to work and she was cheating on me behind my back, stuck my daughter in front of the TV so she could sleep with another man in our bed.
I’m sorry to say I have no loyalty to her. Not anymore.’
This clearly angered both of them and that annoyed him. They had no right to be angry about this.
‘She was your wife,’ Margaret said, her voice shaking. ‘Maybe if you’d been a better husband, offered more than just money and stability, she wouldn’t have needed to go elsewhere for love and affection.’
He sighed. ‘You’re right that being a husband is so much more than being a provider and maybe I could have done more for her in that regard.
But she made it clear very early on that she didn’t want love, affection or intimacy from me.
I tried to make our marriage work, I really did, but she wasn’t interested in that at all, which isn’t a big surprise now knowing she was with another man for the entirety of our marriage.
We were… friends that raised a baby together and after the first few years we weren’t even that.
She resented me because she never wanted Etta. ’
‘That’s not true, she loved her daughter very much,’ Margaret said.
Xander let out a hollow laugh. ‘I wish that was true. I wish her problem had only been with me, but she never wanted to do anything with Etta, never wanted to come along on days out, never wanted to come on holiday with us. And on Etta’s fifth birthday, the day she packed her bags and left, she told Etta that she hated her, that she hated being her mum and the life she had with her. ’
They both stared at him in horror.
‘No she didn’t,’ Margaret said, her voice holding none of the conviction it had before.
‘I was there when she said it.’
‘Well, I’m sure she didn’t mean it,’ Tom said. ‘People say things they don’t mean in the heat of the moment and then regret it later.’
‘Are you really defending telling a five-year-old that she was hated on her fifth birthday? I know Brook was your daughter and you loved her but you can’t possibly think that’s OK.’
Neither of them had an answer to that.
Xander sighed. ‘I’m sorry if me moving on upsets you but you can’t expect me to grieve over her after what she did.
I’ve been so scared of dating as I never wanted Etta to be hurt by anyone else but Immy is…
special and she makes me happy. It’s very early days for us and, while the baby was not part of the plan, I’m excited about our future.
And I hope, in time, you can be happy for me too. ’
They were silent for a moment before Tom spoke.
‘What about Etta?’
Xander frowned in confusion. ‘What about her?’
‘You’re not going to want her around when the baby is born.’
‘Of course I will, she’ll be a brilliant big sister.’
‘But you’ll have this perfect little family, a loving girlfriend, maybe wife one day, a baby that’s yours. Etta won’t fit into that.’
Xander felt the anger rise in him. ‘Etta is mine too. I don’t care if we share the same DNA or not, she’s mine.
I was the first to hold her, seconds after she was born.
I held this tiny crying baby in my arms and she just stopped and looked at me.
I fell in love with her there and then and promised I would give her the world, that I would protect her and love her forever.
That hasn’t changed. I was the one that stayed up with her throughout the nights, doing all the late-night bottle feeds and nappy changes, I was there when she spoke for the first time, her first word was “Dada”, I was there when she crawled, when she took her first steps, I helped her to ride a bike, I took her for her first day at school.
She is mine and she will always be mine.
This relationship with Immy and the new baby doesn’t change any of that. ’
They looked doubtful. ‘A baby is a lot of hard work,’ Margaret said. ‘And when you get tired of dealing with that and Etta at the same time you can’t just palm her off on us.’
‘I know that and I have no intention of doing that, not least because you’ve made it very clear you don’t want to spend excessive time with her.’
‘What does that mean?’ Tom said, clearly affronted.
‘You take her out for the day and then bring her back after a few hours, you take her for the weekend and sometimes you bring her back after only one night, because there’s always an appointment or a thing you have to do that you’d completely forgotten about.
Right now, she doesn’t fully understand it but when she’s older she will. ’
‘Well, she’s got so much energy and we are getting on a bit now, we can’t keep up. She runs everywhere, she wants to ride her bike, she wants to rollerskate or use the skateboard, she wants to swim. It’s exhausting,’ Tom said.
‘She’s six, of course she has a ton of energy. But she’d equally be as happy watching a movie, or doing some arts and crafts.’
‘Oh we’ve tried that, but she always wants to use glitter and that stuff gets everywhere,’ Margaret grumbled.
Xander shook his head, letting out a deep breath of exasperation. This wasn’t a battle he was going to win. ‘I appreciate the time you do want to spend with her, but I can assure you, I will never ever dump her on you. She is loved here and she will still be loved when the baby comes.’
They still didn’t look happy but it was a lot to take in: a new girlfriend, a baby, him moving on from Brook. Hopefully they would be happier about it all once they’d got used to the idea.
‘We should go,’ Tom said. ‘We have that thing.’
‘I’m sure you do,’ Xander said.
Margaret moved to the back door and called out to Etta in the garden below who was sailing high on her tree swing.
‘We’re off now, darling.’
Etta gave her a big wave and they walked out without another word to Xander. Etta climbed off the swing and started playing with Jacob and Immy climbed up the stairs back into the lounge.
‘How did it go?’ Immy asked quietly while they watched Etta play.
‘Not well.’
She winced. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘What are you sorry for?’
‘Well, me being pregnant is making your life a little bit stressful right now. First you get grief from Logan, now Etta’s grandparents. I never meant to bring this on you.’
‘I’m not stressed. I’m going to be a dad again, I can’t tell you how excited I am about that.
While I don’t want to upset anyone, I don’t really care what anyone thinks about this.
The only person I really care about is Etta, I want her to be on board with it.
I want her to be as happy and excited as I am.
Everyone else can think or say what they want. ’
Etta came running upstairs from the garden with Jacob in hot pursuit. ‘Can I do some painting? I want to paint Jacob.’
‘Yes of course,’ Xander said.
‘Can I use glitter?’
He smiled. ‘You absolutely can.’